Questioning down

[Momof4boyz]

What is the name of your state? Nevada
Well, my step daughter came to live with us at the end of august. Everything is fine, we have always got along....the problem....her mother. She calls a couple of times a day and questions down Merissa. Merissa talks to me about everything and she tells me about it all. I dont question her about anything to do with that, because I figure she gets enough of it. I am at my wits end. I feel like I am under a microscope. Yesterday Merissa told her she went to the dentist, her mom asked her how much it was and if dad was going to get half of it from her. When she first moved in with us, she questioned Merissa on how much school clothes I bought her and how much I spent on her. She had Merissa call me when she was packing to move over to our house and ask me if we were going to go after her for child support. She questions Merissa on what I am doing when she calls. Merissa now goes in the bathroom, upstair or the garage when she calls, and I know she does it because she feels obligated to tell her. I am tired of her putting Merissa into the middle. Merissa should not even have to deal with that part. It needs to stop, but my husband doesnt want to cause any waves, which is understandable. I wont even answer the phone when she calls, I let merissa answer it or it to go to the machine. It was Merissas choice to move with us, she is old enough to chose where she wanted to live, But her mom wants to keep control of everything still. She calls and asks her where she has been and why she was outside, was her homework done etc. I have her do her homework and such before she even goes outside. This woman must think I am a total MORON. She tells her if her grades slip at all shes coming back home. aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, I cannot stand it. Is there anything we can do legally that can stop her from putting Merissa as the go between, she wont listen even if we try to talk to her. I have always stayed out of it and her mom and I have never fought, but we never talk. Is there anything we can legally do to have her stop putting a 13 year old as the go between. I know it would just cause a battle if anything was said, so can anything be done? Thanks for all suggestions and help
Amber

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

My response:

There's nothing you can do, legally, to stop Momma Bear from talking to her daughter about any subject. That's her right.

Now, from your perspective, while you don't like what's happening, you're the one who allowed it by having Merrisa move in with you. Also, you "married" into the situation, knowing full well that the man you married had "baggage"; i.e., an ex, and a child. You agreed to this, and all past, present and future problems.

So, knowing this full well, and accepting it because you married him, then you have nothing to complain about. This is your "Cross to bear", and you're the one who allowed her to put that "Cross" on your shoulder.

Don't like it?

Then divorce and get out.

IAAL

 

[Momof4boyz]

I dont concider it a cross to bear, I just think it is wrong to emotionally put her in the middle. I didnt just take this on, we have been married 11 years now and divorce is not an option. I should have figured it is legally ok to screw with a kids mind. We have laws for everything else, just figured maybe a judge would or could tell her to stop. As you can tell, I have very little legal knowledge.

 

[Momof4boyz]

Oh and I thought we were doing right when I told my husband not to go after her for child support or her medical needs because it might cause friction and I didnt want to put Merissa through that. Obviously that was the wrong way to go and it has only got me in the position of being walked on.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

I dont concider it a cross to bear

===================================


My response:

Oh, really? Then what would you call your moaning, groaning and whining?

Look, if you don't like the situation, then you send Marissa "packing" back to Momma Bear. Problems stop, and problem solved.

You're not going to stop it any other way.

IAAL

 

[Momof4boyz]

The situation isnt for me, but watching her go through it, and then stressing about it afterwards. BTW what crawled up your a** and died.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

The situation isnt for me, but watching her go through it, and then stressing about it afterwards. BTW what crawled up your a** and died.

My response:

Listen, all because I don't agree with you, and because I'm not going to give you a soft, warm, shoulder to piss, moan, groan, and cry on, doesn't mean I'm wrong about your situation or your "feelings".

This was, and still is, about YOU. Your initial post is all about how YOU don't like what's going on, and how it's affecting YOU. Sure, you don't like what's going on concerning Momma Bear and Marissa, and what this is doing to Marissa, but YOU were the one moaning about how this is affecting you too!

Look, if you don't like my legal opinion; i.e., my assessment that there's nothing you can do legally while Marissa is living with you, then you have three choices:

1. Live with it and get used to what's happening;

2. Divorce and get out; or

3. Send Marissa back to Momma Bear.


This is the "cross" you have chosen to bear, and no one else, including Momma Bear, is responsible except for you. You have and hold the key to your own psychological well-being. If you choose not to use that key, then that's your fault.

IAAL

 

[FJ1200guy]

Less caustic... but still...

I may not have phrased it the way Mr. Liable did, but please take away what you can from his posts... he is correct.

Your best bet is to let the mother be the mother she wants to be. The daughter will take away what she will from this interaction, and learn from it... this is called growing up. Parents don't always teach by offering GOOD examples, eh?

I do understand what you're saying, and I think the hardest thing to do in your situation is to just let it go... take the high road, in other words...

Her mother is trying to stay close to her daughter, let it develop naturally.

Lyle

 

[jez51]

Sounds like mom is afraid you will replace her, give it some time and she'll eventually back off. Continue to give your step-daughter moral support and don't let on that any of this bothers you. A parent should not make their child feel guilty because they care about a step-parent. So this is your chance to be the adult, and show your step-daughter how grownups are supposed to act. The mother in her jealousy is hurting her relationship with this child, hopefully she'll see it before to much damage is done.

 

[Supmom810]

From what I get from your post, I see a mother is having a hard time letting her daughter go. She wants to make sure things are good for her at your house. Did you ever think that Merissa is having a hard time with this because she knows that YOU don't agree with the questions the mother is asking.
Have you put yourself in the mothers shoes. How would you feel if a daughter that you had raised for 13 years moved away? Not because it was what you wanted, but because it what was your daughter wanted? Bet you would be doing the same thing.
Give it time. Once the mother finds out her daughter is just fine, the questions will stop.

 

[Sandman-XX]

My 2 cents..

Sounds like your husband needs to get a set and control his daughter a little more, at least along the lines of revealing financial issues.. it's none of the mother's business how much YOU 2 spend on her. ALl I keep thinking is, the same situation I went thru awhile back.. the children will NOT discuss anything that could be seen as 'MY' (Dad's) business. Medical, school, etc., yes, she can talk about anything, as that's her business, as well as anything that has to do directly with her. In your situation it sounds like the mother may eventually have an affect on YOUR relationship with your stepdaughter.. she is 13, sit down and talk to her about some your feelings.. however I would NOT talk negative at all about the mother.. no mudslinging allowed!

 

[Kim328]

The posters above have given good advice. Although Liable's responses are accurate, it's not too subtle. Why did your stepdaughter want to leave her mother?

The mother is probably a little jealous that her daughter wanted to leave her to live with your family. I am not aware that there is anything legally that you can do to stop the mother's interrogation of her daughter. Eventually, your step-daughter will tire of those types of questions unless there is something between she and her mother that would make your step-daughter want to perpetuate her mother's jealousy.

It is unfortunate that the mother is acting in that way. Is your husband aware of the situation? Without bashing anyone or appearing to have selfish motives, maybe there is a way to help him become aware. Then, depending upon the communication between he and his ex-wife, he could possibly explain to her that he is not going to try to get money from her and it might alleviate the problem.

Otherwise, I would agree to not let on that it bothers you and be sure to morally support your step-daughter and always keep the lines of communication wide open.