questions about custody and stepmom

[Rowan602]

What is the name of your state? Colorado, El Paso County

I have a 5 year old daughter with a man that I did not marry. We split up due to emotional abuse, and physical abuse. I obtained a restraining order against him for various reasons. In the restraining order, I set up a visitation schedule for him, with exchanges to be made at the police department. it was pretty standard, every other weekend, and one dinner visit each week. The orders concerning my daughter fell off the restraining order after 120 days, although the RO is still in effect as regards her father and me. He does pay child support, although he lied to get the amount reduced. Those are the only court orders ever made regarding my daughter. There is no court ordered custody, and no court ordered visitation.

He got married in 2005, and now I mostly deal with his wife. Recently, I discovered several things. His wife used to volunteer at my daughter's preschool last year. On one occasion, she told the teacher that they "had gotten a lawyer and were going to get her out of there." This is an exact quote from the teacher's notes. She has also said other things to the teachers regarding my parenting skills, etc.

On the last weekend visitation, she told my daughter "I wish you were a baby again so you could come out of my tummy instead of your Mommy's." WTF?? They have told my daughter that she does not have to follow my rules, that she does not have to clean her room, and that if she doesn't like my cooking, to call them and they'll bring her food. Those are just a few of the things.

I also recently found out (SM slipped and told me) that when we were potty training, they would not give her a diaper so she could have a BM. Instead, they gave her laxatives in hopes of forcing her to use the toilet. She would hold it in all weekend, and ask for a diaper immediately upon walking in the door to my house, and do her business right away.This went on for about 4 months.

I realize that rough transitions are normal for children of this age, but my daughter comes home from their house defiant and rude. after a day or so, she's well behaved again. When I tell her that she's going to his house that day, she refuses and says he doesnt love her, and he's mean to her. Her teachers from preschool last year heard her say MANY times that she did not want to go, cause she didn't like it over there, they were mean to her and she was scared.

I feel that his wife is overstepping her bounds. She is not dd's parent, I am. I have no problem with her being involved in dd's life, but when it's to the point of excluding me from things that I have a right to be involved in, and telling her things like what she said this weekend, something needs to be done.

I am planning on getting a lawyer and filing for custody and set visitation. But until I am able to do so, does anybody have any suggestions for getting SM to back off? I don't want to alienate them, as I do feel that my daughter deserves to have her father in her life, regardless of what I think of him. But I feel she's going too far and I'm not sure how to deal with this.Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. There are many other issues, but these are the most pressing, and this is too long as it is. I'm sorry for the length.

Thanks,
Rowan

 

[Zephyr]

to start with - STOP DEALING WITH THE WIFE----- you are partly to blame by letting her have so much participation already.....only deal with dad. as far as what sm is saying to your daughter- very inappropriate but not much you can really do at this point

 

[CJane]

Welcome to the world of parenting with an ex and a new 'mommy'.

Most of what you described is just a difference in parenting styles. And Z is right... you're partly to blame if you've been communicating with stepmom. You've helped put her in a position of authority and now you want her to back off. You can't have it both ways.

 

[ceara19]

Why would a 5 year old child be asking for a diaper?

 

[Rowan602]

thank you

I realize that you're both completely right, I do need to stop dealing with her. The problem is that he refuses to deal with me. He insists that she do pick ups, and that she be the one to call me with any concerns. Any ideas how to counteract that? Should I just refuse to deal with her completely? Not let dd go with her when she shows up to pick her up,. and if she calls, not answer, or tell her to have him call me? If I do that, things are going to get very tense, which will be bad for dd.

Anyhow, thanks for the advice. I appreciate the insights.

Rowan

 

[Ohiogal]

I realize that you're both completely right, I do need to stop dealing with her. The problem is that he refuses to deal with me. He insists that she do pick ups, and that she be the one to call me with any concerns. Any ideas how to counteract that? Should I just refuse to deal with her completely? Not let dd go with her when she shows up to pick her up,. and if she calls, not answer, or tell her to have him call me? If I do that, things are going to get very tense, which will be bad for dd.

Anyhow, thanks for the advice. I appreciate the insights.

Rowan

What does the law in your state say about transportation -- or your court order. You may not be able to NOT let her go with step mom when it comes to transportation but you can correspond only with dad about the daughter. If she calls you with concerns state you will only talk to the child's father about things concerning your child.

 

[Neal1421]

What does the law in your state say about transportation -- or your court order. You may not be able to NOT let her go with step mom when it comes to transportation but you can correspond only with dad about the daughter. If she calls you with concerns state you will only talk to the child's father about things concerning your child.

The OP does not have a court order for visitation or custody.

I have a 5 year old daughter with a man that I did not marry. We split up due to emotional abuse, and physical abuse. I obtained a restraining order against him for various reasons. In the restraining order, I set up a visitation schedule for him, with exchanges to be made at the police department. it was pretty standard, every other weekend, and one dinner visit each week. The orders concerning my daughter fell off the restraining order after 120 days, although the RO is still in effect as regards her father and me. He does pay child support, although he lied to get the amount reduced. Those are the only court orders ever made regarding my daughter. There is no court ordered custody, and no court ordered visitation.

OP, if it is that big of a concern and you want to encourage a relationship between your daughter and her father, tell him that you only agree to visitation if he is the one who gets her and he is the one that deals with you.

Without a court order, you are under no obligation to allow the child to visit with her father. However, at any point he can petition the court for visitation and custody. Go ahead and have everything established through the court.

 

[Rowan602]

response

Ceara19,

This was when she was 3. I only just recently found out about it, though. I knew they weren't giving her diapers, tho I spoke with him about it several times, and he always agreed that he would. I did not know about the laxatives until about 2 weeks ago. I don't know what other stuff like this they may have done. I guess the best thing at this point is to just keep things the way they are until I can get a lawyer and do all of this through the courts. Thanks to everyone for your advice

Rowan