Re-establishing visitation after years of no contact?

[ancalagonblack]

What is the name of your state? NY

Since you all were so nice and helpful with my questions, I thought I might post a question about a friend's situation. This is NOT about me, so if that's not allowed here, let me know and I'll drop the thread.

My friend Bill and his ex had a kid around the same time I had my second, about 11 years ago. He and his girlfriend broke up horribly, it went really bad. Anyway, for reasons I won't go into because it's not my story to tell, he hasn't seen his boy in at least 6 years, maybe 7. He pays his support like he's supposed to but he's bitter about it.

What would happen if he tried to see his son again now, after zero contact for all these years? Should he get a lawyer? Would it take years and years to get it figured out? Would he have to have supervised visitation, and what would that entail? She now lives about 4 hours away. How often would he be expected to drive out there, would she be expected to bring him here, etc? What would happen if she refused to allow contact, as she has in the past (he drove 4 hours once and she was just not home)?

She is going to fight this tooth and nail, if she hasn't changed from when I knew her. She does not want my friend to see his son-- the man she left him for is now "Daddy." I'm wondering how crazy the legal process would be for him to get back into his son's life.

 

[BL]

What is the name of your state? NY

Since you all were so nice and helpful with my questions, I thought I might post a question about a friend's situation. This is NOT about me, so if that's not allowed here, let me know and I'll drop the thread.

My friend Bill and his ex had a kid around the same time I had my second, about 11 years ago. He and his girlfriend broke up horribly, it went really bad. Anyway, for reasons I won't go into because it's not my story to tell, he hasn't seen his boy in at least 6 years, maybe 7. He pays his support like he's supposed to but he's bitter about it.

What would happen if he tried to see his son again now, after zero contact for all these years? Should he get a lawyer? Would it take years and years to get it figured out? Would he have to have supervised visitation, and what would that entail? She now lives about 4 hours away. How often would he be expected to drive out there, would she be expected to bring him here, etc? What would happen if she refused to allow contact, as she has in the past (he drove 4 hours once and she was just not home)?

She is going to fight this tooth and nail, if she hasn't changed from when I knew her. She does not want my friend to see his son-- the man she left him for is now "Daddy." I'm wondering how crazy the legal process would be for him to get back into his son's life.

He has a right to file for Custody/Visitation rights .

He would need an Attorney . If he qualifies as indigent , an Attorney can be appointed by the court .

The visits would start out gradually as to re-introduce the relationship , or to introduce .

It is quite likely for the court to suggest an agreement between the parties entered in to order(s) . If an agreement can not be made , the court will decide .

He most likely would have to travel , and when the visits turn to overnights , have proper housing .

 

[ancalagonblack]

Bill is a long-haul trucker now. He got this job to make more money so he could send it to support his kid. He drives coast to coast now, and lives in his truck, basically. Mostly I talk to him via e-mail or IM.

He is only home 4 days per month. This is why he stopped seeing his son in the first place. His ex said that once a month or every other month was not enough, that it was going to be confusing for the boy to have 2 dads, one of whom he only saw a few times a year. Then she just stopped being home when he came for visitations.

Is it legit to only see your kid once a month or every other month? His ex claims it's not, that the court would FORCE him to see the boy more often, and if he couldn't, she'd go to court to change visitation and make it really hard for him (only supervised visits, only in her area, every single weekend he's home, etc). I think he's just given up.

 

[CLBKLCDTB]

Bill is a long-haul trucker now. He got this job to make more money so he could send it to support his kid. He drives coast to coast now, and lives in his truck, basically. Mostly I talk to him via e-mail or IM.

He is only home 4 days per month. This is why he stopped seeing his son in the first place. His ex said that once a month or every other month was not enough, that it was going to be confusing for the boy to have 2 dads, one of whom he only saw a few times a year. Then she just stopped being home when he came for visitations.

Is it legit to only see your kid once a month or every other month? His ex claims it's not, that the court would FORCE him to see the boy more often, and if he couldn't, she'd go to court to change visitation and make it really hard for him (only supervised visits, only in her area, every single weekend he's home, etc). I think he's just given up.

It is legal to come to an agreement between MOM and DAD.

If Mom and Dad can not come to an agreement then they can go to court and get and order by the judge.

I have a question though. Is Dad doing this now because he wants to do what is in the best interest of the child, or because he feels guilt for not being around all these years?

The law does state that parents have rights to their children that is true.

A couple question How will the child feel about being re-united with his long lost father? Once Dad is granted his visitation rights, will he stick to them or just disappoint the child again?

 

[ancalagonblack]

I have a question though. Is Dad doing this now because he wants to do what is in the best interest of the child, or because he feels guilt for not being around all these years?

I would say both. I think it's always in the best interest of the child to know both his parents, if possible, don't you? Is it worse for the kid not to know his dad, to think his dad doesn't care about knowing him? Or is it better to leave his life undisturbed? I don't know the answer to that.

A couple question How will the child feel about being re-united with his long lost father? Once Dad is granted his visitation rights, will he stick to them or just disappoint the child again?

I have no idea how the child will feel. I don't know how he feels now. Maybe he doesn't even know he has another dad out there, who knows what his mother told him? Might turn his life upside down to find out Dad is out there. Is it better for him to never know? I can't imagine my kids not knowing me, or what kind of woman wouldn't want her kid to know his father.

Will he disppoint the child again? If visitation takes his schedule into account (like, he can only come every other month, he doesn't have holidays off, etc), then he would stick to it I'm sure. If she insists, as she has in the past, that he has to go there every single weekend and rent a hotel room, or drive 8 hours every weekend... no, he won't do it. He can't, unless he wants to take a $20-30,000 per year pay cut, while paying the same child support because of voluntarily decreasing his income (yeah, my ex did the same thing to me and it SUCKED).

The court would probably be a lot more reasonable about the visitation schedule than she has been. Her stance was, all or nothing. I don't think that's fair or reasonable considering he took a very tough job in order to be able to send more money to a kid she won't even let him see.

What happens legally if he shows up on a weekend when he's supposed to be there and she decides to disappear again?

 

[CLBKLCDTB]

I would say both. I think it's always in the best interest of the child to know both his parents, if possible, don't you? Is it worse for the kid not to know his dad, to think his dad doesn't care about knowing him? Or is it better to leave his life undisturbed? I don't know the answer to that.

I have a child who's father decided to enter in and out of her life leaving years of gaps in between. This was with a court order of liberal visitation. She is 17 and has chosen not to ever speak to her father again.
For the record, I spent my life appoligizing for this man and his ways to my daughter...

I have no idea how the child will feel. I don't know how he feels now.
Maybe he doesn't even know he has another dad out there, who knows what his mother told him?

It is wrong to "assume mom said anything bad about dad. Children are not stupid. It has been said that mom has given dad a hard time in the past, however it is up to DAD to MAKE visitation happen for himself and his child. Not just walk around with blinders on, or say "I'll do something when I have more money"...or...I'll do something when I get a better job. Ect.
Dad needs to not blame Mom for his lack of doing anything untill now.

Might turn his life upside down to find out Dad is out there. Is it better for him to never know?

It would have been better if Dad did something...anything.... to get a court order of visitation a long time ago.

I can't imagine my kids not knowing me, or what kind of woman wouldn't want her kid to know his father.

This happens more often than you know. the only ones who suffer are the children.

Will he disppoint the child again? If visitation takes his schedule into account (like, he can only come every other month, he doesn't have holidays off, etc), then he would stick to it I'm sure. If she insists, as she has in the past, that he has to go there every single weekend and rent a hotel room, or drive 8 hours every weekend... no, he won't do it.

I am sure if the parents can not come to an agreement, the judge will do what is fair and take into consideration dad's job and the distance between where Mom lives. Right down to the split in travel time and expense.
If DAD really wants to be in this childs life, he will do what he has to do...no matter what.

He can't, unless he wants to take a $20-30,000 per year pay cut, while paying the same child support because of voluntarily decreasing his income (yeah, my ex did the same thing to me and it SUCKED).

Being a parent is sacrifice. That is the program we all sign up for when we become parents.

The court would probably be a lot more reasonable about the visitation schedule than she has been. Her stance was, all or nothing. I don't think that's fair or reasonable considering he took a very tough job in order to be able to send more money to a kid she won't even let him see.

And raising a child alone...untill said time that the other parent desides they now want to be in the childs life isn't hard?

Dad can place the blame on mom untill the cows come home. Fact is, untill now DAD has done nothing legaly to enfoce his rights. What 11 years, if i remember? So at this point he has no one to blame but himself.

What happens legally if he shows up on a weekend when he's supposed to be there and she decides to disappear again?

If there is a court order and mom refuses to abide by it, then Dad can take her to court for contempt.

Again, this will take time, money , and sacrifice. All things DAD has had issues with for a long time. If he is infact ready to be a father he will do what he has to do. Regaurdless.