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Relationship in and After a Divorce

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Bummerific

Junior Member
What is the name of your state? Tennessee

I understand that during a divorce it would not be a wise idea to have a "partner" around the kids and definitely not sleeping over night. But post-divorce is there anything that can be done should it come out that a wife or husband has had their current partner staying over night in the house.

As I understand it, it is not good to have a live in boyfriend/girlfriend during or after a divorce but by law what does "live in" mean. Staying a night a week or establishing domicile?

---Bummerific
 


LdiJ

Senior Member
Bummerific said:
What is the name of your state? Tennessee

I understand that during a divorce it would not be a wise idea to have a "partner" around the kids and definitely not sleeping over night. But post-divorce is there anything that can be done should it come out that a wife or husband has had their current partner staying over night in the house.

As I understand it, it is not good to have a live in boyfriend/girlfriend during or after a divorce but by law what does "live in" mean. Staying a night a week or establishing domicile?

---Bummerific
The general consensus, psychologically, for the kids, is that its best not to involve new partners with the kids, specifically not on an overnight basis, unless the relationship is truly serious and likely to lead to marriage. On top of that, the general consensus is that you shouldn't even do that unless the children have truly adjusted to the divorce.

Legally....it all depends on the judge. In general, most judges won't micromanage a family to that extent....but a few will.
 

nextwife

Senior Member
Live In is establishing a domicile.

But I have a question. Why have overnights with the kids around at all for some time? Why not do the overnights when the kids are with the other parent?


How can you teach discretion, and being sexually responsible, if your kids see you having overnights with someone with whom you may not be in a truly commited relationship? I've just always been curious why a parent whose kids are still emotionally dealing with a breakup would think it a good idea for their kids to be aware of opposite sex partners sleeping ovenight?
 
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nextwife

Senior Member
LdiJ said:
The general consensus, psychologically, for the kids, is that its best not to involve new partners with the kids, specifically not on an overnight basis, unless the relationship is truly serious and likely to lead to marriage. On top of that, the general consensus is that you shouldn't even do that unless the children have truly adjusted to the divorce.
I sure agree with that. THe kids emotional needs are the top priority.
 

Bummerific

Junior Member
Okay...

Hypothetically speaking...

The current relationship is headed in the direction of marriage. The kids have already been exposed to this relationship and have grown fond of the other person.

The husband in the case has been served with an order of protection preventing him from seeing, trying to contact or even being around the kids as well as the wife.

Should the wife have a relationship that is headed towards marriage and that has already screwed up the psychological stand point of the children by allowing the other partner to be around the kids, should she:

a.) Finish the divorce and hope that her current relationship not come out in court
or
b.) be discreet, not overly public, and continue in her current relationship not allowing her current relationship to be visible to the children
or.
c.) continue with the relationship, minus any more stay overs. And wait for the children to have adjusted to the divorce or perhaps wait for marriage before her partner stays the night.

And also, since only a few judges might micromanage a family to that extent should the wife be worried she might lose custody of her children even though there is an order of protection on her current, soon to be ex, husband?
 
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nextwife

Senior Member
And can't this woman take a breather between relationships and NOT jump into having another man around instantly? Maybe she should step back and give herself some time so she makes sure she is making BETTER choices this time? What's wrong with being on her own FOR A WHILE without another man into her kid's lives? OR being on her own and just dating quietly and letting her kids adjust to the divorce?

WHY is she rushing if she's not even really, legally out of the prior relationship?

And has really known him well enough and long enough to know that he is not capable of any violence toward herself and her kids BEFORE she allows him overnight in the same home her kids are sleeping in?
 
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Bummerific

Junior Member
To my understanding this is a legal forum as oppossed to an ethics and moral standards convention.

I am asking these questions not to be ridiculed or harrassed by other people for making a poor choice in relationships, but asking these questions to gather more knowledge as to where to go from here.

The children are my first priority and I am trying to figure out where to go and what to do. I can salvage the children's idea of discretion as of now and do not plan on any more stay overs. Just legal, are there any ramifications of making these poor decisions.
 
Legally

Legally speaking only:

If you are not yet divorced, you are legally committing adultery. Ramifications: STBX could use as grounds/additional grounds for divorce-little impact on property division, possibly bigger impact on spousal support (marital misconduct), and possible impact on custody (greatly depends jurisdictional norms and mostly on the judge and his/her interpretation of being "morally unfit").

If you are divorced. ramifications: not committing adultery & property division already decided, so no problem. In some states & depending on how court order is written could affect spousal support (usually would have to prove ongoing living arrangement, not overnight guests). Again, depending on how custody order is written (very rare-but could be written in that no opposite sex overnight guests are allowed in childrens' presence), then other parent could file contempt & ask for change in custody.

Legally--you can do many things that can or may mess with your children's mental and emotional well-being and there will be few, if any, legal "ramifications". And, there will always be a bunch of different "experts" with different theories about what is or isn't harmful. Plus, a situation that most judges would consider "normal", a particular judge might find it "disgusting".

So, basically, there are no black & white legal ramifications for this.

I've forgotten the exact phrase, but something like "err on the side of caution". Which it seems from your post you already realized you've perhaps, "thrown caution to the winds". So make better decisions from now on. Can't change what you've already done, so quit worrying about it.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
Bummerific said:
Okay...

Hypothetically speaking...

The current relationship is headed in the direction of marriage. The kids have already been exposed to this relationship and have grown fond of the other person.

The husband in the case has been served with an order of protection preventing him from seeing, trying to contact or even being around the kids as well as the wife.

Should the wife have a relationship that is headed towards marriage and that has already screwed up the psychological stand point of the children by allowing the other partner to be around the kids, should she:

a.) Finish the divorce and hope that her current relationship not come out in court
or
b.) be discreet, not overly public, and continue in her current relationship not allowing her current relationship to be visible to the children
or.
c.) continue with the relationship, minus any more stay overs. And wait for the children to have adjusted to the divorce or perhaps wait for marriage before her partner stays the night.

And also, since only a few judges might micromanage a family to that extent should the wife be worried she might lose custody of her children even though there is an order of protection on her current, soon to be ex, husband?
My recommendation is "c"....with a little bit of "a" thrown in. You are already in the relationship and its apparently fairly committed. You don't have to give it up, nor would it necessarily benefit you or your children to do so at this point. However avoiding stay overs and using some discretion would be wise.
 

CandiceH

Member
Relationship in and after divorce

Wow, all of these answers were helpful for me also. Ex moved gf into my house 4 days after I took the children and left. I will not allow her to be there "overnights" when my children are present. I do not care what he does when they are not. I copied and pasted this board and printed out to give to soon to be ex. Maybe he will see my position now and not think I am being vindictive. He doesnt understand that I am trying to protect my children from seeing another woman in mommys bed with daddy.

When the divorce is final and they have gotten their own place and the kids have adjusted then no problem, until then, forget it!!!!!!!!
 

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