separation & children

[daisyduke]

In PA - I have been married for 15 years and have 5 children. I chose to leave my husband last summer and took the children because of several reasons including emotional abuse and control issues. I walked away from everything we worked for over the years to spare my sanity and to give the children normalcy in their lives. We agreed to sell the house and have worked out many issues without involving attorneys and courts. However, a big issue arises when it comes to the children. I believe very strongly in bringing up my children with good Christian values. He on the other hand bases everything on how he feels. He won't work to help support the family. He is disabled and collects Social Security of which the children get a part of. I feel that there is no reconciliation of our marriage, although he wants to get back together with me. He has committed adultery in the past several times over with different woman (not to mention the fact that one of them was 16 at the time) I stayed with him to try to make things work, but got to the point where I knew it was over. Here are my questions: 1) Can he tell me what to do now that we are living separately? 2) Can he tell me who I can and cannot have in my house? My children are very close with a friend who has stuck by our family through the years and my husband is very jealous of him. Being a Christian woman, I do not believe in divorce except for adultery, which my husband has committed but doesn't admit to. An attorney I did speak with on this issue said that if I had sexual relations with my husband since the affair that that only condones his affairs. Is this true? Someone please help me sort out some of these issues. Thank you.

 

[Tigres]

Condonation is a legal term simply meaning that if you have continued to live together as husband and wife since discovering the affair, you have no legal basis of using this against him. Now, if you found out about another affair and left shortly after, you could technically use that.

You don't need to use the affairs against him in court though. (Some would recommend against it anyway as it can make the process messier and longer.) You can get a divorce anyway.

As to your other questions.

No, he can not tell you what to do. If you have a parenting disagreement that is not covered in the original divorce paperwork, he would have to take you back to court to argue his case before a judge. If it has nothing to do with the children and is not covered in the paperwork, then he is blowing hot air. (My ex does this a lot! After awhile, it becomes slightly amusing!)

No, he can not tell you who you can and can't have in your home. IF he thinks to, he might try to include no overnight guests for you of the opposite sex. Since you described your friend as a person with good christian values, I will assume that isn't a possibility anyway. The only way he can restrict you from having an individual around your children is if, in some way, he can prove that person's presence is harmful to the children. Since someone with values is unlikely to be a drug dealer or a mass murderer, then I don't think you need to worry to much about that.

On a side note, I am a Christian also, and entering into my first marriage, I did not believe in divorce except for in cases of adultery. BUT, I now have extended my views to a much broader spectrum. For one thing, I will not tolerate violence in my home and I can not bring myself to believe that God meant for any of us too...

Tig