Seriously, when does it end?

[tiredofdrama]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? PA
Hi Everyone. Okay, here is the latest issues. My ex and I have joint legal, I am primary physical. Our son is 8 years old. My ex does not have a drivers license currently (DUI) and has to rely on wife to do everything for him. He does not take initiative to stay informed of what is going on in son's life. His latest complaint is he feels I wait until the last minute to tell him about things. I had gotten information about our son's football banquet and waited 24 hours to give him the info. He had more than 2 weeks after that to decide if he was going to go but waited until 3 days before the banquet and then called me and told me to call around and find out if he and his wife could still go. I told him it was his responsibility to do these things but I did make a few calls but got no replies. He is angry about that. He is also angry because last weekend our son went with me to a hair appointment and on the spur of the moment the stylist used the leftover highlight mixture to put some blond highlights in our son's hair. A lot of the kids have it and it looks cute. He actually looks very cute and loves it. I took a picture of him and sent it to my ex and told him it was a last minute decision and that I hope he's not upset. He threw a fit. He said our son cares way too much about how he looks (I don't feel this is true, but he is starting to develop his own identity and is expressing a few opinions here and there about his appearance and clothing). He said I am allowing our son to grow up too fast and he is very concerned about it. This is the same man who constantly tells me to stop babying our son and who at the age of 6, left our son unattended at a public pool and has been badgering me to let him fly alone for the past 3 years. He says he's old enough and that I need to accept that he's growing up. I hardly consider 8 years old to be anything other than an young child, but I don't think it's unreasonable to allow him to make some small choices. It's just hair, after all, it will grow out.

In the 5 years we have been apart, it has become increasingly clear we cannot get along. I used to keep my mouth shut and allow him to push me around. Now I'm just getting fed up. Our fights are now usually laced with hateful remarks towards him. Our son knows nothing of these fights and I'd never bad mouth his father in front of him. But I worry that he is going to try and build a case against me to change custody. Do you think that anything that I've done could bring about a change? Am I not showing him the proper respect as the father? Thanks. Sorry this is so long. I

 

[stealth2]

It'll end when one of you is dead and gone. We're going on 10 years divorced (and a few before that separated) and he can still find a drama. All you can do is shake your head and move on along.

 

[tiredofdrama]

It'll end when one of you is dead and gone. We're going on 10 years divorced (and a few before that separated) and he can still find a drama. All you can do is shake your head and move on along.

Thanks, I really envy those people that can get along. I hate that I've recently started allowing myself to really let loose on him about how I really feel but I've just gotten so fed up with the craziness and trying to be nice isn't working. I am always nice when my son is around. That's all a court would be concerned with, right? They don't care if I tell him he's a Jacka$$ when our son isn't present, right?

Seriously, I know that it is very important for the CP to respect and not alienate the NCP, especially to the courts. I just want to make sure that I am not doing that or if I have to make more of an effort to keep my ex involved in our son's life.

 

[Silverplum]

It may not happen for you, but as soon as the children aged out of CS and were emancipated, my H's X suddenly became Ms. Sweetness And Light. She even told me she loves me and thanked me for my -- I quote -- "tender care" of the children all those years.

Friendly.

Pleasant.

Scary.



True story.

 

[tiredofdrama]

It may not happen for you, but as soon as the children aged out of CS and were emancipated, my H's X suddenly became Ms. Sweetness And Light. She even told me she loves me and thanked me for my -- I quote -- "tender care" of the children all those years.

Friendly.

Pleasant.

Scary.



True story.

I've gotten that before, but only when he wanted to work out a deal to lower CS. When I didn't agree, then I suddenly became the worst mother on earth.

Ok Silver, you always give it to me straight. I'm sure I am turning this into something more than what it is, but my real question is how much responsibility do I need to take to ensure he is involved in our son's life? How much is his responsiblity? He keeps telling me that since I am CP, it is my responsibility to keep him informed of EVERYTHING, which I try to do. But doesn't some responsibility fall on him to, I don't know, maybe CALL his son and ask what's going on? Call the school and request info (although I do tell him about all school functions)? And as far as the hair goes, did I do a terrible thing? Am I wrong to let our son make some small choices about his appearance as long as they aren't disruptive or crazy? Thanks!

 

[Silverplum]

I've gotten that before, but only when he wanted to work out a deal to lower CS. When I didn't agree, then I suddenly became the worst mother on earth.

Ok Silver, you always give it to me straight. I'm sure I am turning this into something more than what it is, but my real question is how much responsibility do I need to take to ensure he is involved in our son's life? How much is his responsiblity? He keeps telling me that since I am CP, it is my responsibility to keep him informed of EVERYTHING, which I try to do. But doesn't some responsibility fall on him to, I don't know, maybe CALL his son and ask what's going on? Call the school and request info (although I do tell him about all school functions)? And as far as the hair goes, did I do a terrible thing? Am I wrong to let our son make some small choices about his appearance as long as they aren't disruptive or crazy? Thanks!

It always helps to put yourself (FULLY) into his shoes and truly think about how he feels about these situations. IMO, the worst thing about being an NCP is being shoved into the back corner of your beloved child's whole life. Treated like a cash machine, but not as a valued, equal parent.

For instance, my skids' schools treated my H like fried crap and did not want to give him info, even when he provided SASEs. If you have the info, pass it along.

I absolutely would NEVER call him a *@#$&% to his face, or on the phone. I would do it privately, with my friends, or in my closet alone. But I would never diss him in person. That's not going to take your ONGOING relationship anywhere GOOD, is it? No, it will not.

The hair thing? Eh. It'll grow. Not the end of the world.

 

[tiredofdrama]

It always helps to put yourself (FULLY) into his shoes and truly think about how he feels about these situations. IMO, the worst thing about being an NCP is being shoved into the back corner of your beloved child's whole life. Treated like a cash machine, but not as a valued, equal parent.

For instance, my skids' schools treated my H like fried crap and did not want to give him info, even when he provided SASEs. If you have the info, pass it along.

I absolutely would NEVER call him a *@#$&% to his face, or on the phone. I would do it privately, with my friends, or in my closet alone. But I would never diss him in person. That's not going to take your ONGOING relationship anywhere GOOD, is it? No, it will not.

The hair thing? Eh. It'll grow. Not the end of the world.

Thanks. I actually do try and put myself in his shoes, which is why I do always try to keep him informed of everything that's going on. As Dad, he deserves it. As a human, he deserves nothing (I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like 5 years worth of surpressed anger is spewing out of me lately)! I try to treat him as I would want to be treated if the tables were turned. The only problem is I always feel like an idiot when he turns around and treats me like dirt (at which point lately I've not been holding back my feelings from him). Anyway, not important. This isn't therapy! I just wanted to make sure that these two issues would not be grounds for him to try and pull some kind of custody power play.

I'll try to keep my anger in check from now

 

[Silverplum]

Thanks. I actually do try and put myself in his shoes, which is why I do always try to keep him informed of everything that's going on. As Dad, he deserves it. As a human, he deserves nothing (I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like 5 years worth of surpressed anger is spewing out of me lately)! I try to treat him as I would want to be treated if the tables were turned. The only problem is I always feel like an idiot when he turns around and treats me like dirt (at which point lately I've not been holding back my feelings from him). Anyway, not important. This isn't therapy! I just wanted to make sure that these two issues would not be grounds for him to try and pull some kind of custody power play.

I'll try to keep my anger in check from now

My H says, "Your X will ALWAYS remind you of WHY s/he is your X."

And as OG says, "Love your child/ren more than you hate your X."

 

[Humusluvr]

Thanks. I actually do try and put myself in his shoes, which is why I do always try to keep him informed of everything that's going on. As Dad, he deserves it. As a human, he deserves nothing (I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like 5 years worth of surpressed anger is spewing out of me lately)! I try to treat him as I would want to be treated if the tables were turned. The only problem is I always feel like an idiot when he turns around and treats me like dirt (at which point lately I've not been holding back my feelings from him). Anyway, not important. This isn't therapy! I just wanted to make sure that these two issues would not be grounds for him to try and pull some kind of custody power play.

I'll try to keep my anger in check from now

And just a suggestion - watch how you word your texts or emails or whatever to your ex.

Don't say, "Don't freak out, look at our son's hair." That INVITES a freak-out. Instead, say "Passing along a pic of Billy for you."

If you preface it like its going to be a problem, he can easily make it into a problem. Never start out in the negative. Never say, "Hope this isn't a problem" or "Don't get mad but..." or "I know you hate this but Billy did this." If you start out with sentences like those, then your ex will eat it up.

My ex pulls that crap all the time. I've just learned to word things better.

Good Luck to you

 

[LdiJ]

And just a suggestion - watch how you word your texts or emails or whatever to your ex.

Don't say, "Don't freak out, look at our son's hair." That INVITES a freak-out. Instead, say "Passing along a pic of Billy for you."

If you preface it like its going to be a problem, he can easily make it into a problem. Never start out in the negative. Never say, "Hope this isn't a problem" or "Don't get mad but..." or "I know you hate this but Billy did this." If you start out with sentences like those, then your ex will eat it up.

My ex pulls that crap all the time. I've just learned to word things better.

Good Luck to you

I agree. He might not have even noticed that the child had highlights. When they are done well, they look really natural.

 

[Isis1]

It may not happen for you, but as soon as the children aged out of CS and were emancipated, my H's X suddenly became Ms. Sweetness And Light. She even told me she loves me and thanked me for my -- I quote -- "tender care" of the children all those years.

Friendly.

Pleasant.

Scary.



True story.

ew. that was a scary story