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she won't let him see the kids

  • Thread starter softheartedcountrygirl
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softheartedcountrygirl

Guest
we live in kansas but his wife lives in missouri.she left him 1 1/2 years ago and we got together 6 months after she left.we all knew each other before this happened,she really has it in for me now and won't let him see the kids (for a year now),and she calls me vulgar names in front of the children.he tried to take christmas to the kids and she comes outside screaming and starts beating on the truck with the kids watching.he wants custody of the kids,she tells his family things that happen,like,her family got the youngest boy (5) drunk off beer and laughed about it.the girl (2) has respiritory infection from cigerette smoke and is not to be around it ,but she is anyway,now she is sick again.right after the girl was born ,his wife was put in a mental hospital cause she claims that satin was telling her to sacrifice the children.her and the children are living with an alcoholic (her sister).he has called the child abuse hotline and they say there is no proof that the kids are being abused so they can't file a report.a lawyer wants $1,700.00 to take the case.she parties on weekends and leaves the 3 children with her other sister who does drugs and she tells his family this (her and my boyfriends sister are friends,but for the welfare of the children his sister tells him what she is told).can she legally keep him from seeing the children?she refuses to take any money and welfare is supporting her and the kids,and we know that money will have to be paid back when he goes to court.she is also refusing dna on the kids.dfs wants to enforce child support but she won't do it .she says i am the reason he can't see his kids,i have done nothing to her,we got along fine until all this happened.any suggestions?he was told he needed a court order to see the kids and then she'd have to let him see them,but she moves all the time so he won't find her.how hard is it to prove her unfit?they was married for 8 yrs so he knows what she is capable of.do we need to tape record her or get a little video camera for proof or what?they have never been to court or filed for divorce yet,so there are no court orders for anything.
 


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morning_angel

Guest
If he's never been to court and there are no custody papers, then he has as much right to have the kids as she does. When she's left them with relatives is the best time to "take" them, since he has the right to have the kids over an aunt or grandparent. Caution, though, police are reluctant to get involved in domestic matters, and if they are called, they are more likely to remove him from the situation than they are to help him, particularly without a court order on his behalf, since they don't know the particulars of the situation. If he feels they are in jeopardy, he should try to take physical custody of them if he can, document their condition when he retrieves them, and immediately file for custody (which will have to be done in the county where they have resided for the last 6 months.) Otherwise, he should persist in seeking visitation from her, and file for custody at the same time. Her visitation interference is not good for her case. If he can provide a stable, loving environment for the children, it is good for <i>his</i> case. Oh, and document, document, document...keep logs of everything that happens.

Good Luck!
 
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softheartedcountrygirl

Guest
Thank you so much for your advice.It has helped alot!!!My boyfriend does not like to fight so he has basically just sat back and let her have her way.She has moved 6 times in the past year that we know of,she won't answer his emails and the last phone conversation they had was in december and she hung up on him while he was talking to his oldest boy (8).We have reported her for child abuse but nothing ever happens.His sister has the boys about once a month and is suppose to have the oldest boy all summer,but we have not heard anything about it yet.They think she may have changed her mind.She made the comment that he will never see his kids again as long as he is with me and it has really put a strain on our relationship,but i feel for the kids more than i do myself.They have not seen their dad in over a year now and she tells them that "daddy don't love us anymore", and that is not true at all,he loves those kids so much and she could careless if they are sround or not.
 
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Grandma B

Guest
What's with the dna refusal? If they were married for 8 years and the children were born during that time, there is a presumption of paternity. In most states that would have to be contested within 2 years of the birth.

Your boyfriend needs to get an attorney and file for dissolution of the marriage and custody of the children. One thing not in his favor is that he has done nothing about the situation for 1-1/2 years.

If she took the children from Kansas to Missouri when she left him, that would be a big plus for him.

By the way, the fact that she won't accept child support has no connection with his right to visitation. They are separate issues.

[Edited by Grandma B on 06-10-2001 at 08:54 PM]
 
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softheartedcountrygirl

Guest
I have no idea what the DNA tests are all about.He recieved papers from DFS last summer demanding him to take a dna for the oldest boy,that has been a year ago and we have not heard anything else from them.Well see, we was told that since he was not supporting the kids then he had no right to see them.Everyone he talks to says he has no chance at getting them cause it is hard to prove a mother unfit in most cases,but she is crazy!!!! Also we are afraid that she will run off with the kids if he tries to get custody and she is in that state of mind to vanish with them.We live 4 hours away and she moved cause she thought we was stalking her.Our main problem is that we don't have that kind of cash and we are all loaned out at the bank,don't get me wrong, we have enough to make ends meet and then some so the kids will be well taking care of,but $1,700.00 is a chunk of money for us and thats just the down payment for the lawyer!!!He estimated at least $5,000 maybe more if she fights it.where we have to get a lawyer in her state and county thats hard when we work all week and only have the weekend to go to missouri. They was living in missouri when she left him,but he is a brick mason and could not find work in our area so we had to follow the job,now we are doing great and plan on staying here for quite awhile and buying a house later on.If he was to go get the kids from her and tell her where the kids are going to be and offer her visitation,can she still get him for kidnapping or does he have the right to take his kids?,cause thats what he wants to do,but he's afraid kidnapping will ruin his chance at getting the kids.
 
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morning_angel

Guest
Without her having court ordered custody, he won't be considered to have "kidnapped" his own children. If there were a court order giving her custody, that would be different. Since it's pretty easy for her to get at least an emergency order for custody, you don't want to go around telling too many people if you are planning to "take" them. Remember, once he has them..."posession is 9/10ths of the law" be prepared to keep them close.

Like Grandma B told you, visitation and support are separate issues. She cannot withold visitation based upon support. Further, if she is collecting welfare, you had better be ready for the outcome when you go into court, because the state will likely try to collect support from you to compensate for the money they have paid. Also, like Grandma B said, the fact that he's waited 1 1/2 years to do anything about this isn't good for his case. If he was so concerned for the welfare of the children, he certainly should have acted sooner than this. The longer he waits, the more likely the court is going to be to take into account that she has been the only parent those children know.

Also, calling the child abuse hotline is not likely to bring you results. The tend to treat calls from NCP's as vindictive and disregard them. The kids would get better results if a neighbor called, rather than you! (We called to report abuse when my stepdaughter showed up with welts across her legs and she said "mommy's boyfriend whipped me", the EX snatched the kids before DCFS could investigate and kept them hidden until things were cleared up. Then she instructed the kids to say I told them to say she whipped them...go figure...next thing I know, DCFS is telling me that I am trying to harrass the "poor woman" and they will press charges if I contact them again regarding the matter.)

The request for DNA tests is prossibly from some story she trumped up to tell the welfare office as to why she wasn't collecting child support for the kids. If she told them that she didn't know who the father was, they would have pressed her to name someone and the DNA testing would have been the next logical step for them to proceed to collect support.

Good Luck!

 
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softheartedcountrygirl

Guest
To be honest,I don't know what his reasoning is for waiting so long.We talk about it on a daily basis what he should be doing.I know he is afraid to push her to far cause she told him he'd never see them again if he tried to take the kids from her and she will do it!!She's doing it now,if she thinks she saw us or heard we are around she packs up and moves.The oldest boy told him right before christmas that they had been in 6 schools already,thats absurd,she just don't care.
We haven't told anyone what we are planning to do.He can't do it around her family anyway cause she has 3 brothers that are nothing but trouble,and she is very violent herself.I'm not making excuses for him,I know he has waited to long to deal with this.I have told him many times that "she is getting away with it cause you are letting her", and it's true,cause she knows he will not push her,he never has,but it is time to fight back for the sake of his kids.Thank you for you advice.
 
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softheartedcountrygirl

Guest
Well,my boyfriend called DFS yesterday in her town and the case worker accused him of being intoxicated and refused to take any information about the situation his kids was in.He just asked for advice and she ended up hanging up on him.So we contacted the state of missouri about the DFS office being so rude,they are supposed to let us know what they find out.We think he was talking to her case worker and she didn't want to investigate her own client!!!!We found a lawyer,we meet with him next week,and as soon as he gets the court order for rights to see his kids he is taking physical custody of them.You have been so much help, thank you. Now we have to find a bigger house,for he has 3 children and we live in a 1 bedroom house.
 
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Grandma B

Guest
Whoa!!

I'm glad you're getting an attorney and will hopefully get a court order for visitation.

About the custody though--you don't "take" custody; it has to be granted to him by the court. So, unless you want a bigger house anyway, don't start house hunting just yet.
 
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morning_angel

Guest
Well now, you're getting <i>out</i> of the grey area....right NOW, while no one has court ordered custody, either of you has as much right to the kids as the other, so technically, if he can get them, he can "keep" them until there IS court ordered custody, HOWEVER, once he files for visitation, he can't KEEP them then, because filing for visitation is saying "she has them, and I want to visit with them..." so THEN he would be in contempt of court. I am sorry if you misunderstood me.

Good Luck!
 
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softheartedcountrygirl

Guest
Oh ok,now I see.The lawyer basically told him to go get his kids until the court date.No,he is filing for custody,sorry about that,the lawyer said if there was a problem getting the kids that he can get a court order to see them and she'll have to let him see them then.This is all confusing to us,we just don't want to get in trouble or jeapordize his chance of getting custody.Can anyone give me some advice on how to be a good step mom when it comes to discipline,since I am the "bad guy" already according to thier mother?I love his kids ,but I can't let them get away with murder while he is at work,even if he just gets joint custody,there will be a time when I will have to take charge sooner or later,any ideas?
 

Ambr

Senior Member
love them like they are yours. realize that they aren't.

don't let them do anything that you wouldn't allow your own children to do. don't give in to them to get them to like you.

and of course - none of this works if dad isn't willing to push with you.

there was a post that outlined the duties of the stepmom really good. i wish i could remember the title of it.
 
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softheartedcountrygirl

Guest
Just got off the phone with the lawyer,he wants $2000 to take the case,cause of the "digging" he will have to do to prove she is not fit for the kids.He has instructed us now to back off,and let the court handle it,since she is refusing visitation,he thinks the judge will frown upon that and since we have no address or number to reach her at,its best to let the judge take care of it.She has our number and address but has never called.He is just so anxious to get the kids.
He is fairly strict with the kids.They pretty much walk the line when dad is around!!!He has told me to treat them like my own but I know they have heard I am the bad one,and afraid they will let me know about it.Thanks for your advice Ambr.But,I know they say what they have heard and its not thier fault,so I will have to take that into consideration.They are 8,5,and 2.Well,I have to get off here,the lawyer is suppose to call back.Thanks.
 

Ambr

Senior Member
the best thing about kids...

they can hear how evil and wicked that you are. how you caused everything to happen and everything is your fault. and as long as you keep showing them love, that you truly care for their feelings and what is happening in their life, and be a big part of their life -- and do it all unconditionally. they will make up their own minds.

they are pretty smart cookies.

keep us updated on what happens.
 
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morning_angel

Guest
Did you ask the lawyer if you can do some of the "legwork" yourself on this one? maybe reduce your retainer a little?

Oh, and as for your question about step-parenting, I've been a stepmother for 16 years and I can tell you this...<b><i>IT SUCKS!!!</i></b> There is nothing you do that is right, you're either in trouble with the EX, your husband, or the kids ALL the time. You can't win.
And be cautious about disciplining them, because even if the natural mother would have whipped them with a bike chain for something, if you so much as swat their bottoms for it, she will report you for abuse. For a few years there I signed all their birthday/holiday cards "with love, your wicked stepmother" ...Oh, and be prepared to do everything for them that you can, love them as though they were your own, and then at the first opportunity they can, they will slap you in the face with the infamous, <i>"You're NOT my mother..."</i> yup, you're in for a real treat...:D

Good Luck!!


 

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