should i?

[newmommy20]

What is the name of your state? Florida

My fiancee and i have been together for 4 1/2 yrs and have just split. I am 7 mo. pregnant and im trying to keep him very involved, informing and inviting him to all dr. appointments giving him little updates bout how he is kicking a lot or cute little things. He has no money n hasnt gotten a thing for our son.

im kinda ok w/ that but his parents are constantly telling him to be a minimal father he is only 23 and doesnt need that responsibility. He was exited and motivated durring the first six mo. now he keeps going back and forth. should i stop being so nice? i desperately want him to be an active part of our son's life, i know what its like to not have a father and honestly if i could choose id rather not get child sup. if it meant he would be an active suportive father who shares in the parenting role. Am i skrewing myself over by involving him so much??? If i have to bear those sole burden of raising him can he really get away w/ just paying $ and seeing him on the weekends????

 

[Buddabrother]

Ok, maybe I'm not the greatest guy in the world, but kiddo...if a man skips out on his 7 month pregnant fiancee, he's a dirt-bag.

Stop worrying about whats going to happen, and start thinking about the here and now. You are (presumably) 20 yrs old, 7 months pregnant, and un-married...if you are not going to get it straight for you, think about the baby.

Regardless of how good a father you think your former fiancee is/was/will be, he has rights to see his child and be a part that childs life...wether you guys get back together or not, move to australia, whatever...and the courts will require him to help support that child. He doesn't pick the amount, you don't pick the amount, the State you live in has guidelines that the court will follow, and that will be the amount.

No matter how he decides to act, you guys are going to be parents...in my opinion it's the greatest thing to have ever happened to me, and hopefully he will pull his head out of his ass and feel the same way, but there is no guarantee.

What help/support are you getting from your folks?
Have you talked to an attorney to get some free advice for a first consultation?

(edit sry to multipost cjane)

 

[CJane]

Am i skrewing myself over by involving him so much??? If i have to bear those sole burden of raising him can he really get away w/ just paying $ and seeing him on the weekends????

Involve him as much as you want - but don't expect him to involve himself. Right now, he probably has very little interest because he's no longer interested in YOU and the baby isn't 'real'.

And yes, he can 'get away with' that and more. Legally, he's not the father until paternity is established (usually through DNA) and owes you no money, no support, no anything at all until paternity is established and a court orders support.

Even after paternity is established, he would have to file for visitation/custody in order to have any rights to see the child. Once he does THAT, he has every right to choose whether or not to actually exercise the visitation that he's granted, but YOU will be required by the courts to always have the child ready whether he shows up or not. Whether or not he shows up, at least in the beginning will have a LOT to do with your behavior toward him and whether or not he's comfortable around you.

 

[newmommy20]

i dont even know where to begin as far as a lawyer and my mom and fam are being very suportive (its their first grandchild)

 

[CJane]

i dont even know where to begin as far as a lawyer and my mom and fam are being very suportive (its their first grandchild)

Don't do anything at all. Unless you need the child support, leave it up to dad to file for paternity and visitation.

 

[Buddabrother]

Well your other post about the presumed fathers family leads me to believe they won't be much help to you.

Looking at things in a "legal" way is very different than from the heart...and that's on you. Promoting positive contact between the child and other parent is important, but don't leave yourself vulnerable if you can help it.

Everything Cjane said is spot on...paternity is going to have to be established before any of the legal stuff gets started...and that most likely will require an attorney (or state programs) to get done. Look up social services in your town, try to find what programs there are for unwed mothers, and start the process of educating yourself on these topics...coming here is a good start, but www.google.com is your best friend when it comes to getting the skinny on what steps you need to take...as well as locating legal assistance.

Think of it as stepping stones across a pond...one before the other, and step carefully...each step like establishing paternity, establishing a support order, the likelihood of his requesting visitation, his being awarded visitation, you two coming to terms with the complexity of making it happen...all that crap needs to happen.

But the bottom line is what's best for the child you two are going to share for the rest of your lives.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

And what, pray tell, are your LEGAL issues?