should the stepmom stand aside?

[hishersandours]

i received a couple of response that i should detach from my skids...but is that really the solution? i tend to believe that if i sit still and let the mom plan her next rediculous move...the skids will also think that I don't care about them...somehow they almost like being the center of attention....especially the 13 yr. old daughter but they hate to chose over any one particular person. lets put it this way...when they are with us...they are happy and when they go to moms house they are happy...what mom says has a major impact on their lives and sometimes mom doens't say the most honest of situations. she tends to make the skids feel sorry for her and sometimes she involves them in lies that maybe a "little white lie" in her eyes...but interestingly enough we know better!! anyone have any advise on this?

 

[txkowgirl6]

When I said detach I meant from the situations that drive you crazy, not from the children themselves. For instance if they don't put their clothes in the dirty clothes and they are all over the room, they don't get washed, close the door to the room. I know this is easier said than done. I thought I'd have a nervous breakdown or one of my friends would see the room. But you have to have an "I don't care if you don't" attitude. It ended up working for me after I gave DH and or else, homework is their responsibility and if they have to share a room with yours, positive rewards for yours for doing the right thing and them seeing it happen. Some hurt feelings could bring them around. There is a forum you might want to visit on delphi for stepmom and friends, don't know if you've been there but the girls there have a lot of advice and big shoulders. Good Luck

 

[haiku]

When I said detach I meant, turn yourself into more of an "aunt" then a parent. Realize you are not going to change thier views, attitudes, morals, nutritional habits, etc. In a weekend. let the little things go, as txcowgrl said. but of course hold on ot the big things like respect. it has not happened often, but the children are not allowed to disrespect anyone in our home, while in our home we are THE family, and we will learn to respect that, and go by our rules and not the moms.

concentrate on mothering your own, as the other ones already have a mom. (thats what i do- I fill in when needed for hugs and support, but in an auntie kind of way...)

Most importantly, you MUST have your husbands support on this! he MUST put you FIRST in the home, and NEVER make decisions involving the ex and kids without you! You and he must run your home like a team or it will never work!

I truly believe marriage first, than child in home, them the skids. (on an as needed basis of course) Without a strong marriage, i think the family is doomed to fail.

Once yo uhave this atitiude it will be hard at first but you need to stay strong.

may I suggest a book? Called "the Enlightened Stepmother" by Perdita kirkness Norwood. A very helpful book, lets you know yo uare not alone and will give you idea's.