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sneaky BF & BF's mom

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twinmommy

Junior Member
What is the name of your state? CA
here i am again and still with problems. my situation is strange, i think. my BF & i live together with our 2 1/2 yr. old twins. We don't get along at all anymore, partly due to his mother's influence and participation in our relationship. my boyfriend doesn't have a job and hasn't for a long time with the exception of 2-3 mos. here 6 mos. there, etc. This drives me insane. instead of making him take car of his responsibilities, she pays our bills, buys our groceries, clothes & toys for our kids, ANYTHING my BF needs or wants, BF drives her vehicles(which I don't have a car at all, so BF & his mom are the only ones who can take my kids places). the only thing she buys or does for me is cigs. i know that this would sound wonderful to some people, but it's not. this woman is evil. she only does what she does so that she can have control and interfear. and she hates me, so i don't put anything past her. what i need to know is, can the 2 of them file/do anything behind my back that could jeopardize me losing custody of my kids? or is there anything i should be doing to protect myself and my rights now, because a seperation is just around the corner and i don't want any surprises from them. they've tortured me enough. thank you for any help in this matter
 


A

Any Hope

Guest
Don't mean to sound rude...but, if he's not working ...are you? Are you able to work?
 

CMSC

Senior Member
twinmommy, you are allowing her to pay your bills! When you get the mail why does she end up paying them. I would suggest that if this is such a huge problem that you kick them out or you leave and file for custody and child support. If bf's mommy wants to help him support children let her do it under a court order.
 

ellencee

Senior Member
twinmommy
Who has legal custody?
You may be able to get support from grandma when you leave, but be ready to allow her to have alot of visitation, if not on her own, then through the father. and, that's not a bad thing; she's the one who has kept a roof over their heads, diapers on their hinnys, and milk in their tummies. She can't be all evil. She has taken care of you and those babies and not thrown you out on the streets.

(I don't know how to spell hi-nies!)
 

twinmommy

Junior Member
There is a lot more to this situation, but not a lot of room in this little box :) For intstance, I wasn't raised like this. My Dad worked his butt off to provide for me and my sister. I guess I just don't understand this way. I am able to work and am very willing to do so, however I don't think it's right for me to work and him to have to do nothing. Shouldn't he be expected to do something without the help of his mother? I have worked since I was 13 yrs. old because I wanted to have my own spending money. Now, am I supposed to give him a family, care for my kids, take care of the house, AND hold a job? with nothing from him? I don't think so. I don't mean to sound so defensive, but enough is enough. I'm at the point that I wish he didn't have any rights to these kids, because he doesn't deserve it. Him and his mom play games with me all the time. She lies for him any time I question his whereabouts, she offers to take care of his responsibilites like diapers, wipes, etc. It's NOT her responsibility. It's his! We are not married and I need to know where to start to get away from him and make him start paying for his responsibilities.
 

ellencee

Senior Member
twinmommy
The main thing you have to understand is this, you can't change anyone's behavior but your own. It isn't possible. not for anyone.

We, women, seem to think we can change men into being what we want them to be--responsible, caring, affectionate, hard-working, handy around the house, etc. We can't change them into anything once they learn to dress themselves and go potty on their own. It's up to them, each man.

You can work or not work; that's up to you. Whether you work or not will not change whether or not he works and it will not change what his mother does or does not do for him. I would chose to work; I would chose to not be dependent on others or to be bored, sitting around the house--but that's me and my life--this is you and your life.

I am almost 100% against terminating parental rights. Children are made up of two people and when you throw away one of those parts, the children suffer--they carry that throughout their lives. Parents justifiy it all the time, for their own reasons; the law upholds it; but children always know they have that other parent and that child stays on alert for that parent all through their lives.

You have to decide if you want to keep living like you are living, or if you want to change yourself. Do you want financial independence and security? If so, get a job. You can't wait on him to get one.

You can't go through life saying 'this is fair', 'this isn't fair'. Life is not fair. Even in the best of relationships, the best of marriages, sometimes one partner carries 90% and the other carries 10%. Sometimes it's more equally balanced. The point is, life is 100%. Right now, his mother is in that 100%, so that divides the % even further. You can decrease her % by getting a job and getting some income, and some transportation, and maybe some self-respect will start developing in you again. It seems you once had some.

You aren't even married and I'm sure that's one reason why his mother does not respect your postition. There is no comittment between you and her son. You have children together, but not within marriage. She probably thinks much less of you than she would have if you and her son had married and then had a family.
But, don't marry the guy until he grows up, if ever.

Who has custody? Is his name on the birth certificates? She could file for custody by declaring you "unfit". The judge would not be impressed that no one works. The judge might just give her custody, but who knows. There is always so much more than can be expressed on a site like this.

Do you have family? could you go home to mom and dad? and take the kids?
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
twinmommy said:
I am able to work and am very willing to do so, however I don't think it's right for me to work and him to have to do nothing. Shouldn't he be expected to do something without the help of his mother? I have worked since I was 13 yrs. old because I wanted to have my own spending money. Now, am I supposed to give him a family, care for my kids, take care of the house, AND hold a job? with nothing from him? I don't think so. I don't mean to sound so defensive, but enough is enough. I'm at the point that I wish he didn't have any rights to these kids, because he doesn't deserve it. ...

We are not married and I need to know where to start to get away from him and make him start paying for his responsibilities.
Uuuuh, I hate to be blunt, but what you're describing is usually in the context of marriage. NOT a bf/gf relationship. YOU need to be the one to support your kids, first and foremost. Even when (not if) the two of you split - you're not going to be able to live on support alone. And it is WRONG to expect his Mommy to support you and your kids. If you wanted to be a stay-at-home Mom, you should have waited until you were in a committed, married relationship to have kids.

As far as him not deserving rights to the kids.... tell that to a judge and he is going to send you flying on your a$$.
 

twinmommy

Junior Member
yes, i have family and my kids and i are more than welcome anytime, although they are 1000 miles away & he says that i can't even take the kids there on a vacation. he tells me that i can leave here whenever i want, but i'm not taking his kids anywhere. he's even threatened that if i try to leave with the kids, he'll hunt me down & it won't be pretty. i do understand that these kids are just as much mine, but they're only 2 1/2 and i don't want to put them thru too much drama until i have everything planned out and can go w/ my kids & not look back til the dust settles. if i go now w/o my kids, he'll for sure say i abandoned them. he's a spoiled brat & he's used to having his cake & eating it too, so sacrificing/losing aren't something he's had to deal w/ much and i don't know what he's going to do. he's NOT the person i met or moved in w/ 8 yrs. ago.
 

ellencee

Senior Member
twinmommy
You may be able to get legal counsel through legal aid in your area. These threats of harm against you may help you qualify for representation whereas simple custody needs may not.
Shelters for women and children are available and have counselors who can talk with you and help you to make the necessary decisions.
My opinion is this guy is a big bully and has no intention of throwing his life away and spending it in jail rather than under mom's constant, adoring, attention. I don't think he will hunt you down and harm you, thereby committing himself to jail.
I think he has you right where he wants you, unsure of yourself, no money, no transportation, fearful of him, under his control, etc.
Obviously this is not the way you want to live your life. So, when you decide to do something about it, do it. Summon up all your courage, and leave.
You never did tell us who has custody? Is his name on the birth certificates? Has custody ever been an issue? If not, you can look up your states General Statutes (laws), and find the section on custody of minors when the parents aren't married. In some states, each parent has equal rights; in other states, it is only the mother who has custody.
 

twinmommy

Junior Member
i've just assumed we both have custody since we both live w/ the kids and it's never been an issue til now and has never been established. his name is on the birth certs. as well as mine & they have his last name, something my mom warned me about beforehand, but i didn't forsee a problem.
where would i find out info. on state laws re: custody & legal representation for my state? this seems so hard to do w/o transportation & i'm scared. not really of him, but of starting over at 34 yrs. old & i just don't want to screw anything up and lose my kids to him. and you're exactly right about the control factor, he enjoys the fact that i can't get around & have to ask him for just about everything. but, i think his mom enjoys it even more & she's creating this monster. or at least enabling it. don't they have a MIL butt-out law? if not, they should pass one! :p sorry, but if i lose my sense of humor, i'll go completely insane, and boy, wouldn't they eat that up!
 

ellencee

Senior Member
twinmommy
I went back and read your previous posts, from December 2, 2001 and from March 8, 2002. In December 2001, you received advice from a composite of 3 people, under the username 'alax'. For the record, 'alax' was/is two of my dearest friends and me. Obviously, you didn't take our advice.
In March 2002, you described your situation and nothing had changed in those three months. Your current situation is the same as it was in December 2001 and March 2002.

At this point, I think you have to ask yourself why you choose to stay and live this kind of a life. I use the word 'choose' because until you make the choice to leave and do it, you are choosing to stay.
You are a grown woman, 34 years old, with no means of support and two children, who without their grandmother's help would have starved to death right along with you.
Your partner, for a lack of a better word, is not going to work and he is not going to support you. He is also not going to physically track you down. He's too lazy.
If you leave, you can expect him to file for custody, financed by his mother; or, you can expect his mother to file for custody.
Unless you get off your duff and do something, his mother may file for custody anyway. She is the only one supporting these children.

Looking at this situation, I see a 34 year-old woman waiting on the good fairy to come along and turn her partner into a mature adult, causing him to be responsible, break ties with this mother, get a job, and support his family, so you can keep your end of the deal and be a stay at home mom. IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.

I think your partner has a drug problem, most likely amphetimines of some kind--the sleeping for 3 and 4 days and nights, the violent outburst of temper, and the 'god-syndrome' (which you feed by allowing him to control you).

The only person who can keep you from being a 35 year-old woman with 3 year-old twins and no income, a partner who doesn't work, and his mother paying all the bills and supporting all four of you, is YOU.

You need to take a good long look at your life and decide what changes you want to make, if any. Do you want to stay just like you are and when you get to feeling hopeless look to others for sympathy, or do you want to change your attitude from either being lazy or being hard-headed and waiting on some magical event to turn things around?

Life isn't easy, and life isn't fair. I can say with complete honesty, walking out on the my husband, the father of my children, was the hardest decision I ever made in my life. It was one I contemplated too long. We would have all been better off I had walked out much sooner. I guarantee you, other posters on this board made equally hard decisions, under the same threats that you are receiving, under the same financial circumstances (no money), and with the same fears as you have. It wasn't easy; it wasn't pleasant; and it wasn't without consequences such as custody battles; but, it was worth every bit of the agony it took to become free and self-sufficient and self-confident.

If you move to your parents' or your family's or friends' home, you can expect a custody suit to be filed. At least you will be able to show the court that you are trying to be a parent and an adult as opposed to your previous life of not working and being totally dependent on the grandmother. In other words, at least you will be able to show the court you care enough to try and be a parent on which the children can depend.

I want you to go to this site and look up California laws on custody:

http://www.versuslaw.com/Support/statutes.asp

There is really no further advice I can give to you. If I could give you the 'gumption' to get up and go, I would, but I can't. You are going to have to realize that you have the strength within you to take these children, as no order prevents you from doing so, and go to Colorado. You will be on your turf when the conflict begins and you won't be alone.

Best wishes.
 
K

knorris

Guest
I also went back and read your other two post to this same situation. so for 8 months now you have been asking for advice on this matter. have been given good advice but yet you fail to act on it. Only you can change your situation and untill you do so it will only get worst. I was married to a man who would not keep a job, suffered from the god complex and abused me and always told me what i could and couldn't do with our kids. and I put up with it for years before I wised up and got out. my ex's mother was a nightmare and she would do anything he told her to. up until the day he died two years ago he lived at home and mommy paid all his bills. she also helped him when he took off with our kids for 6 years. trust me if you fear he may someday try to keep your kids from you then you had better take action while the ball is in your court. if you don't have a car to go to Colo then ask your family to come and get you. or help you buy a one way ticket for you and the kids.what ever you do make a plan and stick to it to insure that you and the kids have a chance at a normal happy life. and if your not willing to take a chance and better your own situation then you should stop waisting time and asking for advice that your not even willing to consider. only YOU control YOUR destiny which choice you make is entirley up to YOU. Kathie
 

twinmommy

Junior Member
believe me, i never intended on wasting anyones time, and i apologize if i gave that impression. you're right, i am scared and this is a very difficult thing for me to face & deal with. i guess i HAVE been hoping that he'd grow up and it'd be all better tomorrow, but now i know that's not going to happen. i have been making the neccessary phone calls and taking the first steps toward doing what i have to do. yesterday, everything went one step beyond what i'm wiiling to tolerate, he beat me up. that's the last straw, i'm gone! thank you everyone who helped with advice in this, it is greatly appreciated.
 
K

knorris

Guest
Did you call the police ?

I'm sorry that he beat you up. please tell me you called the cops on him. I wasn't trying to be rude when I said stop waisting everyone's time there's a saying that goes ''Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't''. I know it would be great if he would change but trust me he won't. you'll wait the rest of your life for things to be different. as long as your willing to let him get away with it Why should he change? I know i was married to the same kinda guy. I waited for years for him to be the person I wanted him to be and he never was. His second wife divorced him for the same reasons. And he never changed to the day he died. I hope you are succsessful in makin a life away from this man. Kathie
 

ellencee

Senior Member
twinmommy
Please do file a police report and file charges if required; have photos made of any bruises, etc.
Now you and the children defiinitely qualify for protection at a women's shelter and you need to get there today. Most shelters have a way to come get you if you can't come to them.
Back to the police report and pictures--substantiated and substantial domestic violence are bona fide reason for a court to deny custody, revoke parental rights, and deny unsupervised visitation. I'm sorry you were beaten, there is no excuse for that behavior, but he did just give you the ammunition YOU need to be free of him and his control--including MOMMY DEAREST. So, please, please, please!!!!!!! get that police report.

Forgive us for being harsh with you--we've experienced much of the same and we speak with the voice of experience and success.

Stay in touch with us please. We'd like to know you made it out of there with the twins.
 

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