Son thinks he's in charge.

[Justyce]

What is the name of your state? California
My son recently gifted myself and my family with a trip through the juvenile justice system.
No one believes us, and I'm beginning to give up hope that anyone ever will, but here goes:
My son has a behavioral disorder. I have tried to get help for him since he was three, and have always had halfway answers and minimal success. He is now fourteen.
My only hope is to maintain consistent discipline, offer abundant positive reinforcement, and never let him get away with even ONE infraction.
My husband and my son got into a physical altercation. My husband tells me that he was only trying to control my son's flailing and foul mouthed behavior, but in the end, they were both bruised.
To make a long story short, both my son and my husband contacted the police. My husband was arrested.
It didn't happen that night, but the next day, all of our children were taken from our home.
It has been a long process, with no one in the social services system believing for a moment that my husband was actually attempting to protect himself AND my son from injury that day. Even with physical evidence that more than proves it.
We have done everything asked of us by social services and more. We were going to do everything they asked of us anyway, because we couldn't think of any other way of helping our son and our family. Our parenting class teacher actually told us that we have tried everything she would suggest to control his behavior, and she really didn't have anything new to teach us.
All of my other children have returned home. My son is in a group home now. He was placed with a family member, then one of his friends, then in the county facility before this placement. His misbehavior has led to every one of these changes in placement.
He likes his current placement because his punishments are minimal, and he only has to do a few extra chores to get all of his privileges back.
I want my son to come home. It has been proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that the longer he remains in "the system" the worse his behavior becomes. But he says he refuses to come home as long as my husband is still here. The social worker assigned to our case (also known as the lying hag from hell) has told us that social services will never insist he come home.
If we have done everything required to prove we are good parents, and have even done things they never asked us to do, how can they refuse to return my son to our home? Who can I ask for help?

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Between this and your other post we have a better idea what is going on and I take it your husband is steparent to your son. You say your son has a behavioral disorder, is it ODD?

Contrary to what you may feel about your son's behavior becoming worse in the system, while the first two placements failed, the third seems to be working. You feel that he gets his privileges returned too quickly, but that they are returned, shows some progress. You seem to feel that he requires something different to control his behavior and yet admit that you have tried everythng, so that wasn't working. Sometimes you need to have the distance and a fine line between control and structure and support. Be thankful something is working and you and your family are not being drained. What was happening in your home, the same home where you want him returned, was far more dysfunctional than his current placement. You and your other children have been reunited and they deserve your care and attention which has no doubt been focused of necessity, on your son. Now is the time to heal those relationships, perhaps when your parenting classes are finished your family might try some family counseling. Returning your son would likely be a timebomb, one that needs to be defused. Give this some time to rest and some time to work.

While we have expectations for behavior and abuse being gender or age specific, it is not always so, that is why they do not believe your son hurt your husband because your husband is an adult and he has more responsibility. Your beliefs and actions are defensive and protective because that is the mode you have been in for a long time and it is natural, it will take some time to regain balance. Sometimes a "frail elderly" person can inflict injury and who goes to jail if the police are called? Fighting the system isn't going to change the past, it's time to look to the future, as hard as it may be to consider today, perhaps this could actually be a gift afterall.

I don't know what went on with your relationship with his father, perhaps he is like him in some ways or if you were or not believed that that experience is still unresolved and spilling over into your lives. Some things don't add up, the unsupported claims of threats and abuse without restrining orders or termination of parental rights leaves the system no choice but to carry out their mandate. I guess the best legal advise at this point is to work with the system, don't fight it and give up control over the things for which you have no control and let those who have responsibility now, do what they can to bring about change.

 

[Justyce]

thanks

Everything you said are all the things we have already done and gone through.
No one wants to call this ODD for some reason, but if you looked it up, a picture of my son would accompany the article. His therapist says it's a political label, and really means nothing. Besides, it can't be treated. He is also looking into bipolar, ADHD, and the remote possibility of a disassociative disorder. There is a good possibility he was also molested by his biological father, but was too young to have actual memories of it. So far we can't get a referral for a psychiatrist, and they seem to have some problem with us using our own insurance to cover it.
Our home is not over strict, or over lenient. We do require that our children not lie, steal, or hurt other people. Call us crazy.
My question is, after we have shown that we can provide a safe home, does my son have the right to refuse to come home?
We are in family therapy.
Individual therapy for everyone over five in the family.
Marriage counseling.
Parenting classes.
Anger management classes.
They decided not to send me to self-empowerment classes after I told the social worker what I thought of her performance when she lost my son after having me drop him off at the county facility. Something I later learned I wasn't required to do and should never have been asked to do.
Most of the classes and therapies were initiated by us because the social worker was dragging her feet about getting us enrolled. And no, it wasn't because of budget problems, she just plain "forgot" to set us up for the referrals.
All of the classes have been completed. The therapy is, of course, ongoing.
And I'm not saying I want to bring him home tomorrow.

 

[stealth2]

Now that your son is in the system, you're at the system's mercy wrt getting him out. If he's not cooperating - that's going to make it even more difficult.

You've gone through a series of programs, and that will likely be favorable to you. The question is likely to be - how is that going to affect the interactions at home? What will be stepDad's role in discipling thos young man?

It does seem as though your son is at least calming down in his current situation - perhaps it wouldn't be wise to pull him out of there precipitously. I know you said you dind't intend to bring him home tomorrow, but you didn't indicate what sort of timeframe you did have in mind.

 

[Justyce]

Question still unanswered

Since he entered the system, my son has tried drugs, been suspended from two schools because of behavior problems, been caught smoking, and has run away four times. He has asked me to provide him with condoms because he evidently thinks he needs them in his current placement. One of the female workers at his facility asked for reassignment because of his sexual harassment. He regularly engages in physical altercations with other boys in his group home, and has actually required medical attention for an injury sustained during one of these tussles. He even tells me he hates it there. It's pure spite that keeps him from returning home.
This has gone so far beyond anything I had ever seen from my son before it is outrageous. We had a hard time with him, but never anything like this. He is picking up new and alarming behaviors in the system and I don't want to see it continue to the point where I have a bona-fide delinquent on my hands.
Once my son comes home, my husband will not be handing down any punishments at all. We will discuss all the options together as a family, but my word will be final. I can't let my son target my husband again. I'm going to be the disciplinarian, and I have no problem with enforcing my discipline. My husband won't ever be alone with my son.
As for when I want him to come home, I want him home as soon as possible. We had to go over the social worker's head to get my son's therapy, so he didn't even start until he'd been a part of this helpful system for over six months- even with all of his obvious behavior problems. I'm hopeful about family therapy, but that didn't start until over seven months in the system. I wanted him to come home before school started, but I don't see that as a possibility now.
I'm treading a very fine line, and I know it.
My son can and will go to therapy if he returns home. So will all of the rest of us.
We have taken every step to try to prove to a system which refuses to believe in us that we are good parents dealing with a difficult child. We have proven that we are willing to keep him and the rest of us in therapy as long as it takes (I have been doing this since he was three anyway). I have jumped every hoop required and even added some of my own. Can my son legally refuse to return to our home?

 

[Justyce]

Still need help

I know this is a convoluted subject, but the question that I really need answered is only this: Can my son legally refuse to return to our home after the system is done with us?

 

[CdwJava]

If he is a minor, and unless your custodial rights have been terminated or modifed, he will not likely have any option. But, depending on your county, you may not have a whole lot of options in bringing him home ... and if he runs away continuously or keeps causing problems at home, only the larger counties have programs to address this problem to some extent.



Carl

 

[rmet4nzkx]

I know this is a convoluted subject, but the question that I really need answered is only this: Can my son legally refuse to return to our home after the system is done with us?

When you last wrote, your son as in the system, a ward of the court and you were complaining that he wanted to come home but "they " thought the situation too explosive to send him home. Whether he comes home will be decided by the courts at this point.

I implore you for your own safety and sanity to not rush things. Let him get the help he needs while you take care of your other children at home, they need you also.