Step Mom from Heck!!!!!

[vstax]

What is the name of your state? Mississippi

Hi, I am very new here but could tell right away it was a place I needed to check out,

My problem is this. My ex husband's wife has him convinced that she is the same thing as a parent with full rights. He lets her totally run my daughter's life when she is there and sits there like a bump on a frog saying nothing. I understand she rules him, too, but that's his problem. Anyway, anyone have any thoughts, experiences to share, or anything that can help me.

I am convinced the woman is a nut case. She's mean, my 6 year old is scared of her, and she is constantly over stepping her boundaries. She does not even have custody of her own children. She had a daughter that died about 10 years ago at age 6, and I am afraid she is trying to replace her daughter with mine. And this thought keeps me up nights.

Any insights? OH please oh please oh please!!!!!!

 

[Lil Miss Smarty Panties]

what specifically is she doing?

 

[vstax]

She wants the child to call her Mommy, cut her hair without my permission, scolded the child to the point of tears for something it was witnessed she did not do, carries around a huge thick wooden paddle threatening beatings, won't let me speak to my child over the phone when she is there, lied about sending child support (about 4 different versions) tries to undermine my authority to my child, told my child who she is allowed to play with, when she's at my house, constantly sends her to a church outside my (our) religion without even consulting me and that's just in the past week.

I did forget to mention, I think, that I have sole custody, x has only visitation.

 

[Lil Miss Smarty Panties]

well if it was me I'd probably take that wooden paddle from her and beat HER with it.

You need to have a talk with your ex one on one. HE needs to quit being a wuss and a doormat. Trying to make your daughter call her mommy is insane and confusing to a 6 year old. I think if I were you I would get a lawyer and put some modifications in the custody and visitation order. Make sure you have sole custody since you're not sure. Counseling is an option. Talk to a lawyer and see what you can do. I know if it was my child I wouldn't want to send her someplace where she was being threatened with beatings and psychologically abused.

 

[ktarra617]

I would consult a lawyer and see how you go about this. You should begin documenting everything that his ex does and if this negative behavior continues I would seek to limit his visitations more and maybe that will wake him up to what is happening in his home and he will straighten out his wife.

Some people in this world both men and women require very big reality checks before they will get off their rears and fix the situation.

Good luck to you and your daughter.

 

[tammy8]

Going out on a limb here but are you 100% certain this goes on (as in witnessing it firsthand) or are you going by what your 6 yr says? The only reason I am saying this, is kids burn the candle at both ends. You should hear the stories I hear about my stepkids bm.

 

[vstax]

I saw some things for myself when I went over to pick up the daughter for 3 hours on her birthday which was during thier summer visitation. Like most small kids, she does have a tendency to fib, but somethings other adults have witnessed and told me about it.

There have been times I have been able to be civil to the woman, these things seems to run in phases. And most of the time I like her better than my ex, and that ain't saying a whole lot.

But I can't get the concept through their heads that I have full custody and in any case, step parents don't have legal rights, at least not in this state

 

[JaneyS4]

First, if you have sole legal custody, dad and definately not step mom have no rights to make desicions about her, like her hair etc.

second, there are laws about physical violence to children, and step mom doesn't count as even a disiplinarian. She has no right to put her hands or anything else on your child, nor the right to threaten her.

Third, I think six is old enough for you to explain to her that in your house the rules of others (like stepmom's) don't apply unless you say they do. This is in regards as to whom she can play with.

I don't think there is much you can do about the church thing. But its not nessasarily bad that you're daughter gets a look at another religion.

Also, is it in your custody agreement that you are to be allowed to talk on the phone to your daughter when she's there? If its not, it should be.

I agree about consulting an attorney. I'd also send my ex a certified letter based on the attorney consultation stating that

1. You have sole legal rights to your child and they may not make desicions regarding things such as hair cutting without your permission.

2. If step mom continues to threaten violence on your daughter with a wooden paddle or any other weapon, you will attempt to have a restraining order put against her so she may not come into contact with your child.

3. If you are not allowed to talk with your child on the phone (if its in the order) then you will be taking him back to court for contempt of the order.

4.If you do not recieve prompt child support payments for any reason, you will take him back to court for arrearage.

And 5. Your daughter chooses not to call her step mother Mommy and any further attempt to make her do so will be considered PAS (parental alienation syndrome) and will be documented for use in a visitation modification case.

I'd probably add something in there about it being yours and your ex's responsibility to raise your daughter, not step moms and politely ask him to please see to it that she understands this.

Thats just me though, you may not want to come on so strong. Talk to your lawyer and get his/her advise before you make up your mind.

 

[ktarra617]

I agree with Janey. She hit the nail on the head!!

Excellent idea with the letter!

btw I am a stepmom and I am a custodial mom and I can guarantee the only ones that make decisions about my stepdaughter are her parents. I don't cut her hair or anything else for that matter. That is up to her father and mother. they have joint.

Now I have sole of my daughter and I guarantee you if my daughter ever comes home with her hair messed up I would be peeved to say the least.

Goodluck to you!

 

[JaneyS4]

One more thing....

I forgot to add that I noticed you mentioned that you were able to get along with this woman in phases....That may well be, but despite how you feel about your ex, your going to have to refuse to discuss your child or anything pertaining to her with the stepmom. Your feeding her assumption of power over the situation by allowing her to voice an opinion or be involved. Just say no thank you I'll discuss it with her father, and leave it at that.

Thanks on the compliment KT!