Step-Parents rights ??

[phoover]

Right On Smurfeelaw !!!!!!

I agree with you totally. I too am a step-mom and was raised by a step parent and couldn't have put it better myself! I keep reading some of these posts and it p*&$@# me off to think people like that can be so closed minded. We don't live on Mars, this is 2005 and last time I looked in the mirror I didn't have a wart on the side of my nose!!!!

 

[psfunkytek]

SD was given the opportunity to choose which one. Well, it's that time of year again. SD ON HER OWN stated that she was only going to pick one to do (basketball or swimming, mind you she does summer swimming every year anyways). Basketball papers came home today and she chose to do that. Mom called later for something and I informed her (as I'd already told mom of this discussion the other day). She began asking why she couldn't do both.. etc. and I told her that husband had not stated this to daughter this year and SD had stated it and that she was given the choice.

Tigger, I agree with your post. I was reading that and started getting frustrated with BM because if she felt like her daughter needed to do basketball and swimming, then she should have simply MADE her do both (and dealt with the resulting rebellion) but it seems she tried to put the responsibility on someone else (probably thinks you put idea's in her daughter's head, daughter may have even said so to avoid "heat" from mom). Children EASILY pickup on what they should and shouldn't say to their various combinations of parents.

My daughter was five when said she didn't want to invite her dad to her preschool graduation because she didn't want her SM there, I was hesitant, but I went along thinking it really wasn't a big deal. Well, when her dad found out about it, she told him that I didn't invite him because I didn't want SM there. I had to hold back from laughing out loud because I didn't want to send the wrong message to her about lying like that, but when she asked me please not to tell her dad the truth (she can read my face), I remembered that he gives her a very hard time and REFUSES to hear when she want's to exclude SM from somthing in particular because SM tries to take over everything even when I'm right there and it's just akward for her because she will want to be with me, but SM is always pulling her away. If I move into the background to reduce friction, then she feels like she didn't get to experience the even with me.

It's complicated, but again you see where if the adults handle their roles correctly the issue is much less complicated it really bothers me to see her dad making her choose between having him only if she includes SM everytime, or no dad at all and I can see that it hurts her very much.

 

[LdiJ]

After reading that...and looking over what others have said...I am going to express an opinion...........

I agree with the initial response that came from WANNACRY. I don't think that there is any way in heck that a judge would order this.

Some of it is reasonable and makes sense. (badmouthing etc.)

Some of it is going to automatically happen anyway.

Some of it is totally unreasonable.

However...much of it a judge simply could not order....because it confers rights on a party who is not entitled to rights.

I wouldn't sign this myself. I wouldn't sign any order that referenced a stepparent at all...except perhaps when it comes to badmouthing.....and I think that if dad really thought about it...and thought about the potential of a future stepfather...that dad wouldn't want it signed either.

The agreement as written simply isn't appropriate.

 

[tigger22472]

And as I said in a previous post we step-parents already have enough to deal with considering that a lot of the time in a child's eyes we are the reason their parents aren't together, we don't need help with others putting in these other views of us.

I have been with my husband for nearly 6 years. My step-daughter had just turned 4 when we met. Her parents had been divorced for over a year. A few years ago she stated to me she wished her parents were together (this was because mom and step-dad weren't getting along). I teased her and asked her where me and my kids would live. She told me that we could move in with the step-father..LOL She has asked my husband over and over the last several years why he and her mother aren't together. His answer is that they just couldn't get along, so this happens especially when the child doesn't remember when the parents were together.

This step-parent issue was brought up in my family recently. My grandfather isn't LEGALLY my grandfather. He married my grandmother a few months before I was born (over 30 years ago ). He and his twin brother recently celebrated their 80th birthday. My grandfather has two living children and several grandchildren that are biologically his. One of his children could not make it to the party from out of state. However, the child that lives in his town didn't come and only one of his grandchildren went with their family. The remaining family members that were there (and there were several) were from MY family. We have NEVER treated him differently, better or worse. I commented to my mother that when something happens to him that we will all be considered 'step' and I was assured that would NEVER happen.

To be a little corney and quote Carol Brady..LOL The only steps in our family are the ones in our homes or leading to them.

 

[brisgirl825]

Step parents are no differnet than bios; there are good and bad in both. I would love it had my ex chosen a good sm for the kids. I would love nothing more than to have a person to help him and make sure that the kids are taken care of over there.
However, my ex chose to have sex with someone who KNEW didn't like the kids beforehand. She also made the mistake of getting involved in a situation that she knew she couldn't deal with. So they get knocked up and guess what...they're stuck with each other, when they really didn't want to be.
So now my ex doesn't have the balls to stand up to her and he's going to TPR to keep her happy. It's really sad and my kids are suffering b/c of their decisions.

If SM or SD is willing to be involved, I see nothing wrong with that, so long as it doesn't go too far. I know I wish my kids had a good one.

Kids can't have too much love.

 

[Rushia]

sigh....I was going to stay off of this thread. I'm just going to rub it in one more time though (and I'm sorry), I love my kids SM!

 

[LdiJ]

Tigger and Bris...both of you are giving perspectives that are very valid....but digress from the legal issue. I will agree with both of your perspectives 100% from a purely personal point of view....because you are both dealing with very valid (but opposite) sides of the coin.

However....from a legal point of view the agreement that this dad is proposing simply isn't appropriate. It confers rights upon a party who is not entitled to rights. On top of that...it could come back to bite the dad in the butt himself regarding a future stepfather.

 

[psfunkytek]

Read Again...

PSFUNKYTEK--- I am usually very careful not to take posts personally but this I have to say. I know you didn't mean to offend but what the HELL?????

Ok the religion thing--- HUGE yes anyone would get ticked and yes it is the bios responsibility to set the major issues like that.

But in everyday child rearing totally different. I am a step-mom and my husband has primary residential custody. Mom has no visitation. Mom and I get along. OK honestly I put up with her and she hates me. Yes b/c I am raising her child and yes b/c I gave her ex husband the support and strength and a little know how to enforce his rights and eventually gain custody (but that was all her fault)

I had an amazing step-mom and step-dad. They still are amazing and love me despite the fact that legally there has been no obligation for 16 years with my step dad (but co-walked me down the aisle in February) and 10 years with my step-mom (who helped my step dad pay for my wedding). both my bios are alive and we are close but I never would have been the person I am. And I am proud of who I have become w/o them. And yes the steps ran their respective homes and quite differently. But you know what I knew there were some things I could do in one place and not the other. This was not damaging to me and yes the rules were extremely different.

But I would laugh in the face of my husbands' ex if she ever attempted to run MY hosehold. I tell you LAUGH!!!! She has NO right. She has tried telling my SD that she doesn't have a bedtime. Yeah right maybe not when she use to go to moms but in our house where the adults have these pesky things called jobs we do in fact have a bedtime.

Any parent bio or step tahe attempts to run a household that they are not a member of should be put in their place immediately! Time with dad (and all respective members of that household) is time with dad. Time with Mom (again all respective members of THAT household) is time with mom. These two times overlap at max during an exchange.

IMHO it is just another attempt for an ex to have some type of control when they try to dictate another household. LET GO!!!!!

Sorry but you hit a nerve with me. Being a step-parent is hard enough w/o people out there trying to help Disney make the step-parents evil.

So funny that when I met my daughters' new friend at school today and she asked me if I was the babysitter I said no I am her step-mom and the little girl looks up at me (1st grader) and said; "I thought Step-moms were suppose to be mean and ugly" I just laughed and told her that it wasn't true some people are mean some are nice it doesn't matter if they are step-parents, regular parents or don't even have children. Just thought that little story fit my point.

Okay, but please read again. Don't just skip by the part where I said that some SP are angels in disguise taking on the responsibilities that bio parent did not, but WAIT! Unless you are in the situation where bio parent doesn't care or do, YOU DON'T GET TO DECIDE WHAT IS IMPORTANT AND WHAT IS NOT. Unless bp died (or went away) and left you god, which I've already said some do, then you don't and shouldn't have the right to decide that religeon is important is sports is not. You just should! It's not trying to control another household it's trying the raise their child they way they wish and bp DO have that right and they also have the right to decide what is and isn't important. Second marriages have higer failure rates that first ones and working out blended families one one reason why.

I got a very kind PM from a SM and BM who IS rasising their SC without the presence of the BM who admitted that if someone was doing with her BIO child what she didn't want, it wouldn't matter how important that person thought it was if it was important to HER. People who marry into ready existing families need to realize that if they walk into that situation they DO NOT have the same control as when it's a clean slate. If both parents have basically left you alone to raise their children then I absolutely think you should do what you think is best, but if that isn't the case IT MATTERS NOT whether or not you are a better parent than the BP (and many are) and it doesn't matter if you are right or wrong, what's wrong is for you to make independent decisions that are contrary to what the BP has indicated they want.

I recommed both of the last two posters go back and read my post on page one on this topic. I have primary custody of my daughter and I do EVERYTHING for her (and I do mean everything). I love and enjoy doing it and it's not only frustrating for my daughter to have it all undone during a weekend, but it's damn painful for my her. On more than one occasions I have spent an entire evening doing nothing by holding her while she cried and told me about how she spent almost an entire weekend being confined in her room (at 5) because she had her finger in her mouth or that she was spanked for crying (which by itself is an oxymoron and forbidden in our court order). I sat there with my kleenex and conforted her and told her how sorry I was that she was feeling so hurt and bit the hell out of my tounge to keep from saying anything bad about either her other parent or her sp. Yes this is an extreme case, but all I'm saying is you didn't read what I said. If you have be LEFT to care for these children, then do so with my blessing and respect (and probably the blessing and respect of the bio parents even if they wont admit it), but if you're not given that power it's not yours to take. The topic of this post was "step-parent's rights" and there are no rights! So accept that when you are taking care of SC, your reward is that it will be you, the SP is getting mother and father's day card's instead of BIO because as children grow up, more often than not, they know where their phsycial and emotional bread was buttered. As I wrote to the person who PM'ed me, I know many more bad parents than bad step parents, but until we have law's that brand you a parent based on your committment to raising your children, not based on giving them your genetics (which isn't an entirely bad idea), right now, it's BP, for better or worse who have RIGHTS! Try and make it any other way and you'll simply have a battle in which the children are the big losers.

 

[tigger22472]

Tigger and Bris...both of you are giving perspectives that are very valid....but digress from the legal issue. I will agree with both of your perspectives 100% from a purely personal point of view....because you are both dealing with very valid (but opposite) sides of the coin.

However....from a legal point of view the agreement that this dad is proposing simply isn't appropriate. It confers rights upon a party who is not entitled to rights. On top of that...it could come back to bite the dad in the butt himself regarding a future stepfather.

And I stated to the OP I would not sign this due to all the OTHER issues involved either. As someone stated to me there shouldn't HAVE to be a provision stating the step-mom can tie the child's shoes. AND I told the OP that a few of the wordings bordered on giving the step-parents rights. BUT.. in reality most of what the OP showed here WILL happen regardless if it's ordered or not. I don't feel by the wording in this that dad was overly bias nor do I feel by the wording that it would come and 'bite him in the butt' as you have stated. I have seen proposed parenting plans that require ONE parent to watch the weather for weather changes on days of exchange and specifically calls out one parent in particular. Yes, at this point right now the father is the only one that involved with a step-parent, however he even went into what consitutes a step-parent and in essence gave it a time period until these things are considered.

I also agree the judge would not read it all over. However, I still have an issue that the OP seemed to ONLY want to discuss the part of the parenting plan regarding to the step-parent, when as I said MOST of what was in it is standard whether it's ordered or not. Why not bring up the larger issues in that part and THEN bring up things such as the holidays as she stated later.

And LDIJ, as you know, step-parents are getting more rights when it comes to the law. You also know that when the other parent grants the step-parent the right to do certain things that is all it takes. If this father has standard visitation, meaning EOW and one evening a week, just when is the step-mom supposed to take the child to the doctor absent an emergency situation? If the child is sick and mom can't get the child to the doctor what is the harm in having in writing that step-mom can do it? Cuts out a lot of problems later. What harm is there in allowing the step-mom to participate in school and sporting events (NOTE the plan said only if the other parent didn't plan it)? What harm is there in letting a teacher or school know that a step-parent exists?

My SD's mother divorced last year and had a new BF move in fairly quickly. The teacher called there once and when the new BF answered she didn't give him any information other then to leave the mother a message that she called. She in turned called my home and had no issue with speaking to me, which in turn my husband was informed.

I think this whole thing is petty but in the same respect I think MOST of it is reasonable. Will a judge grant it? Not likely but I truly believe that is based on some of the wording and the length of it.

 

[brisgirl825]

Tigger and Bris...both of you are giving perspectives that are very valid....but digress from the legal issue. I will agree with both of your perspectives 100% from a purely personal point of view....because you are both dealing with very valid (but opposite) sides of the coin.

However....from a legal point of view the agreement that this dad is proposing simply isn't appropriate. It confers rights upon a party who is not entitled to rights. On top of that...it could come back to bite the dad in the butt himself regarding a future stepfather.

I agree that SP "rights" should not infringe on the rights of the BP. I only gave a personal, rather than legal, point of view b/c the direction of the thread seemed to be going towards BPs vs SPs. I just wanted to put it out that in each, there are good and bad.
I think far too often these threads can go SP vs BP, NCP vs CP, and/or man vs woman. It always needs repeating here that everyone has the ability to be an a$$hole.

 

[psfunkytek]

The point that's getting missed...

That's exactly the point that's getting missed. It should be the BP's who agree on what the SP role should be (I admit they usually can't agree), not the SP to take it upon their self unless there is no other choice (which IS the case many times). If you can't deal with that reality, DO NOT sign on to be a SP, you will have a much less happy, and probably much poorer life than you intended or planned because custody and CS fights are very, very costly. It's the unpretty life of a SP and the unpretty facts of divorce.

My sister took care of a boyfriend's child while the mother was in prison and the mother prefered my sister caring for her daughter more than dad becuase dispite the fact that she had mad a very big mistake in her life, my sister never ridiculed her or put her down, and it was my sister who scheduled to make sure that they could coordinate phone calls (dad never bothered). After my sister and her BF broke up, she actually kept the child for another six months and I was shocked to high heaven when I learned that my sister had actually be able to enroll the child in school! After six months, dad decided to move in with a new girlfried about 100 miles away and he came and got his daughter. My sister cried, but knew there was nothing she could do. The little girl used to call her crying because she wanted to come back, but the new GF was pissed about that stopped letting her call my sister. I knew a divorced couple where BM let her son drop out of high school at 16 without tell BD who was furious. I could only imagine how hard I would have to bite my tounge if I was married to someone who allowed their child to drop out of school, because I cannot see any way that is good for a child and no doubt I would be thinking all manner of bad things about that kid's mom, and maybe I even love them like they are my own, but you know what. It was dad responsibility to be involved in school, and know what was going on. Perfect example of what I considered a bad BM, but perfect example of not my battle to fight.

I KNOW these are extreme cases, but the point I'm trying to make is depending on the individual circumstance, what is or isn't a huge deal is a matter of perspective and the frustrating thing is that no matter what my perspective is, ultimately the courts are as helpless in allowing right's to a SP as they are in stopping them upon a BP objection of the spouse of that SP backs SP up, even if the only reason they are backing them up is to avoid a second or third divorce or worse yet, because for a dad in MOST cases, they will be left to take care of the kids on their own if SM leaves and for mom, they will probably have a financial hardship of SD leaves. That's the reality in more than a few cases.

This is the message that I sent to a SM that sent me a PM. It was and is sincere and heartfelt. I can't stand to see a child suffer, even if they are perfect strangers to me.

I count every person who loves and cares for a child as a gift to them. One thing I know for sure, it's probably easier for a SM when BM is completely uninvolved and you're caring for the children full time. It's also easier for the children because in my case i've found it's not the decisions made that causes the problem, it's the conflict.

Personally, I've known more bad BP parents than bad SP so I'm careful not paint with a broad brush with one exception. Children deserve to have the best that all their parents, bio and step are capable of offering and the roles need to be carefully defined by the adults in question.

Thank you for the supportive PM, I really do appreciate it.

 

[onmytime]

No way, no how would I sign a document like that!!!! Step parents are great and love their step kids just like they love their own but whatever happened to boundaries? I am a very involved mom! I am at every concert, game, teacher conference and anything else that takes place. I would be beyond approach if I found out that my child's step parent picked up his report card or set up a conference with his teacher. What for? Not only do I look forward to do those things, my child and I get excited about school and my child's functions and that is what we share as bio mom and child. I am the Bio Mom and fully capable of handling my duties. It would not be necessary for her to be involved in that respect. I would never deny her the opportunity to come to my child's concerts or games, I just think she should know her boundaries.

It would be different if the bio parent was a slacker or couldn't make it to support the child at their functions and the step parent went. I understand that.

Just this past week my son was rushed to the hospital by ambulance and I called his dad. His dad came and brought the wife along. The wife and I don't get along at all! Although I would have prefered he left her at home, I was understanding that maybe he needed some emotional support during our stressful time. Where she did cross the line is she thought she was going to come into the hospital room. A NO go! Boundaries? Remember. Our son has a mom and a dad and we were both there to make sure he was going to be ok. There was no need for her to be in the room.

My point is step parents act as real parents when bio mom & bio dad aren't around(and are loving & caring), however there should always be a presence of mind when to STEP out!

 

[tigger22472]

No way, no how would I sign a document like that!!!! Step parents are great and love their step kids just like they love their own but whatever happened to boundaries? I am a very involved mom! I am at every concert, game, teacher conference and anything else that takes place. I would be beyond approach if I found out that my child's step parent picked up his report card or set up a conference with his teacher. What for? Not only do I look forward to do those things, my child and I get excited about school and my child's functions and that is what we share as bio mom and child. I am the Bio Mom and fully capable of handling my duties. It would not be necessary for her to be involved in that respect. I would never deny her the opportunity to come to my child's concerts or games, I just think she should know her boundaries.

It would be different if the bio parent was a slacker or couldn't make it to support the child at their functions and the step parent went. I understand that.

Just this past week my son was rushed to the hospital by ambulance and I called his dad. His dad came and brought the wife along. The wife and I don't get along at all! Although I would have prefered he left her at home, I was understanding that maybe he needed some emotional support during our stressful time. Where she did cross the line is she thought she was going to come into the hospital room. A NO go! Boundaries? Remember. Our son has a mom and a dad and we were both there to make sure he was going to be ok. There was no need for her to be in the room.

My point is step parents act as real parents when bio mom & bio dad aren't around(and are loving & caring), however there should always be a presence of mind when to STEP out!

I sat here and read this over and over again and I just can't help but reply. I too believe in certain boundaries as a step-parent, however by the tone of your post I have a desire to start sounding like Mammy in Gone With the Wind. Step-mom is good enough to wash the kids' clothes, feed them dinner, transport them when needed, care for them in their home but HOW DARE she be allowed in a hospital room? Are you kidding me?? By boundaries you mean on YOUR terms. It's ok for her to be the nanny but step outside the circle!

 

[onmytime]

I sat here and read this over and over again and I just can't help but reply. I too believe in certain boundaries as a step-parent, however by the tone of your post I have a desire to start sounding like Mammy in Gone With the Wind. Step-mom is good enough to wash the kids' clothes, feed them dinner, transport them when needed, care for them in their home but HOW DARE she be allowed in a hospital room? Are you kidding me?? By boundaries you mean on YOUR terms. It's ok for her to be the nanny but step outside the circle!

Personally I would prefer she wouldn't be involved at all but I didn't pick her. As I said before we don't get along. I have never asked her to wash, cook or clean after my child. I feel that if my child is going to visit his father he should get off his ass and do for our child. Bio dad and I have agreed that he and I will be the only ones doing the transporting, being involved in educational decisions etc. and acting as co-parents solely on our own without any interference from step parents or co-habitators. I'm not so naive to think she's not caring for my child and I'm not saying I don't appreciate her doing so. However, if she is allowing bio dad to make her into a Mamme, that's not my problem.

By boundaries I mean allow me to be the mom. Just because a person may be a stepmom or stepdad doesn't mean bio mom or bio dad loses that personal intimacy of being with their child. The step parent does not and should not be involved EVERY moment. The hospital setting was not the time for stepmom to be involved "in the hospital room." My fiance was not in the room. Not because he didn't care but out of respect for my son's father. He was there for me in the hospital lobby if I needed him. He realized my son's father was fully capable of being dad at that moment.

I have friends who grew up with step parents who they thought were wonderful stepparents. However they always yearned and desired for a time when it was just their mom & dad at their play or school function (at least once). Not because they wanted their parents back together but because they wanted to share that time with just their bio parents!

Just like there are times when mom needs to spend time with each child separately and just like when adults need to spend alone or personal time with each other without the kids, bio parents should be allowed special moments with their children as well.

I have two soon to be step sons that come over every other weekend. Sure we do family things together and I have been to a their games. But I also realize they need time with their father, whether that may be at home or school functions. Just like he respects that my children need time with their mom without soon to be step dad. I take care of them as my own and love them as my own but I also know legally and sometimes emotionally they are not my own and allow their bio parents (who are very good parents) to do their thing.

 

[pamalex]

Step - Parent

pamalex, state of Kansas.
I totally agree with you. I am finding out that different states have different rules and regulations. I am still arguing the fact that if their income has no effect of child support then why do they get to be "in-charge" of my child?

I think that their should be step-parent laws and should be written in black and white signed by a judge and criminal prosecutable if they disobey or cross the line.

The step-parent I deal with is ridiculos. She drives me absolutly nuts. Like she gave birth, and she has raised her. The part she did in raising her is why she is the way she is.