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Step-Parents rights ??

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Pearl72

Member
What is the name of your state? COLORADO

My ex is in the process of taking me to court to gain physical custody of our daughter. I was given physical custody nearly 3 years ago, and being that I will not agree to him having physical custody now that child is nearing school age, Ex is wanting me to sign a parenting plan he has come up with -- He has a part in here, that I don't feel needs to be included -- This issue is between me and my ex, not wanting to include step-mom into this at all... but he wants me to sign something agreeing to the following: PARENT, STEPPARENT. AND FAMILY

The Parents are to refrain from encouraging or engaging ANY other person to
Harass, annoy, strike with hand or object, threaten, assault, verbally abuse or molest the other Parent or Stepparent, in an attempt to alarm, coerce, anger, or frighten either Party in any manner or at any time whatsoever.
The Parents are to refrain from making negative statements about other Parent, Stepparent or other Parents’ family or household, in the presence of said child, and shall not allow ANY other person to make negative statements about other Parent, Stepparent or other parents’ family or household, in the presence of said child. The Parents shall not use said child or any other person, except a designated messenger, to deliver any messages to the other Party.

The Parents to refrain from attempting to coerce said child into false or negative beliefs about, negative or abusive behavior toward, or attempt to alienate said child from the other Parent, Stepparent or other Parents’ family or household, and shall not attempt to foster a lack of love or care for the other Parent, Stepparent or other Parents’ family or household, in any way whatsoever.

A Stepparent, for the purposes of this Court Order, shall be considered
Any person who is married to a Parent
Any person who has been cohabiting with a Parent for a period of one and one half or more years.

Stepparents of said child shall have the right to transport said child for any reason including but not limited to;
Parenting time, Holidays, Special Day and Vacation/break Time, school, daycare, activities or trips, or to provide any other transportation required in the parenting care of said child.

Stepparents shall have the right to share and access any and all information including, but not limited to;
Any school official or other authority or agency, physician, counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist, health care professional, activity supervisor, friend, relative or any other person concerned with the health and well-being of said child, for the purposes of providing said child with proper care and supervision.

Stepparents shall have the right to seek any and all regular and emergency medical care for said child under the guidelines of this Order, and to consent to such care, to the extent that the law allows, should the need arise.

Stepparents shall have any and all rights to touch, hold, carry, dress, feed, bathe, make purchases for, administer necessary medications to, and discipline said child within the guidelines of this Order, with the implied consent of the Parent residing in that home.

Stepparents shall have the right to receive and initiate telephonic and written communication with said child without interference from any person, with the implied consent of the Parent residing in that home.

Stepparents shall be considered responsible and acceptable Parenting figures in the eyes of the Parents, with the implied consent of the Parent residing in that home.

Stepparents shall be allowed and encouraged to attend any and all meetings or conferences including, but not limited to; meetings and conferences between the Parents, caregivers, caretakers and authorities pertaining to said child, with the implied consent of the Parent residing in that home.

Stepparents shall have any and all rights in association with their stepchild, that are legally allowed, whether expressed or implied, with the implied consent of the Parent residing in that home.

Each Parent and/or Stepparent shall have the right to visit or interact with said child, while said child is not directly in the care of the other Parent. This includes, but is not limited to;
Any and all times said child might be in daycare or any other form of child-care, in the hospital, participating in any activities outside the home including school activities, child-care or daycare activities or on field trips or learning trips arranged by any organization or person other than the other Parent.

Sorry it is so long -- I advised him that I would agree to parts of this (like the transporatation helpout) but not all of it, he says i have to agree to it all, or when we go to court the judge will order it anyways...

Would a judge really grant this ? I didn't think Step-Parents had these types of rights... ?
 


Zephyr

Senior Member
if you disagreed with this, a judge would not order it, a judge will never insist you share your rights or extend your priveleges as a parent to another party like that.

I wouldn't sign that crap, looks like sm is weaslin her way into having some major pull.

don't sign, you don't have to.
 

tigger22472

Senior Member
Pearl72 said:
The Parents are to refrain from encouraging or engaging ANY other person to
Harass, annoy, strike with hand or object, threaten, assault, verbally abuse or molest the other Parent or Stepparent, in an attempt to alarm, coerce, anger, or frighten either Party in any manner or at any time whatsoever.
The Parents are to refrain from making negative statements about other Parent, Stepparent or other Parents’ family or household, in the presence of said child, and shall not allow ANY other person to make negative statements about other Parent, Stepparent or other parents’ family or household, in the presence of said child. The Parents shall not use said child or any other person, except a designated messenger, to deliver any messages to the other Party.
The part is perfectly reasonable, and would likely be accepted.

Pearl72 said:
The Parents to refrain from attempting to coerce said child into false or negative beliefs about, negative or abusive behavior toward, or attempt to alienate said child from the other Parent, Stepparent or other Parents’ family or household, and shall not attempt to foster a lack of love or care for the other Parent, Stepparent or other Parents’ family or household, in any way whatsoever.
Again completely reasonable and would likely be accepted as written
Pearl72 said:
A Stepparent, for the purposes of this Court Order, shall be considered
Any person who is married to a Parent
Any person who has been cohabiting with a Parent for a period of one and one half or more years.
Reasonable. Also realize that this is not calling THIS particular step-mother out. This would include if you were to remarry or co-habitate for 1.5 years or more.

Pearl72 said:
Stepparents of said child shall have the right to transport said child for any reason including but not limited to;
Parenting time, Holidays, Special Day and Vacation/break Time, school, daycare, activities or trips, or to provide any other transportation required in the parenting care of said child.
Once again, reasonable. This wording will keep pettiness out of the courts

Pearl72 said:
Stepparents shall have the right to share and access any and all information including, but not limited to;
Any school official or other authority or agency, physician, counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist, health care professional, activity supervisor, friend, relative or any other person concerned with the health and well-being of said child, for the purposes of providing said child with proper care and supervision.
This should probably be worded a bit different. It could be stated that the step-parent is allowed to seek routine medical treatment with the permission of one or both of the parents and that providers should be informed of such. It should also be worded that step-parent can seek emergency medical treatment only after which time of contacting the bio parents. (this is worded differently in my husband's parenting plan and not right in front of me but in essense says this). The thing you should know is that paperwork or not the teachers and/or doctors might give this info to the step-parent anyways, and really what harm is it?


Pearl72 said:
Stepparents shall have the right to seek any and all regular and emergency medical care for said child under the guidelines of this Order, and to consent to such care, to the extent that the law allows, should the need arise.
I addressed this above
Pearl72 said:
Stepparents shall have any and all rights to touch, hold, carry, dress, feed, bathe, make purchases for, administer necessary medications to, and discipline said child within the guidelines of this Order, with the implied consent of the Parent residing in that home.
This is just petty to have in here. This will happen regardless if it's in here or not and other then POSSIBLY the discipline part there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. As far as the discipline that really depends on what that entails but again probably little you can do about it.

Pearl72 said:
Stepparents shall have the right to receive and initiate telephonic and written communication with said child without interference from any person, with the implied consent of the Parent residing in that home.
Eh... that's bordering giving step-parent 'telephone' visitation, but then again unless it's abused it's really not unusual. I mean if your child is talking to dad and SM gets on the phone are you going to be an A** and make the kid get off? It's petty to have in here and so far really the only thing I see that doesn't have a good chance of being agreed to by a judge. All this wording though makes me wonder what the problems are that dad seems to think this needs to be in there.... of course the fact you are here complaining about all these things doesn't make me wonder as much.

Pearl72 said:
Stepparents shall be considered responsible and acceptable Parenting figures in the eyes of the Parents, with the implied consent of the Parent residing in that home.
Again... useless because what they do in their home is their business and if SM has dad's consent to do things then this is moot. I do suspect that YOU have made comments and that's why dad is doing all this wording this way.

Pearl72 said:
Stepparents shall be allowed and encouraged to attend any and all meetings or conferences including, but not limited to; meetings and conferences between the Parents, caregivers, caretakers and authorities pertaining to said child, with the implied consent of the Parent residing in that home.
This is another that MIGHT not fly, however for instance if dad can't make it to a parent/teacher conference it's reasonable to send step-mom in his place to sit next to you. If the two of you can't be mature and act like adults, that's you're hang up. I myself have sat next to mom in a parent/teacher conference because dad was at work.

Pearl72 said:
Stepparents shall have any and all rights in association with their stepchild, that are legally allowed, whether expressed or implied, with the implied consent of the Parent residing in that home.
Again, what they do in their home is their business and really is unnecessary to put in here, unless he feels the need to remind you


Pearl72 said:
Each Parent and/or Stepparent shall have the right to visit or interact with said child, while said child is not directly in the care of the other Parent. This includes, but is not limited to;
Any and all times said child might be in daycare or any other form of child-care, in the hospital, participating in any activities outside the home including school activities, child-care or daycare activities or on field trips or learning trips arranged by any organization or person other than the other Parent.
Ok.. so basically what this says is the step-parent can go see the child at daycare, school activities, sporting events.. etc.. UNLESS YOU organize it. Again another situation unless you are completely unreasonable and wouldn't allow the step-parent to visit the child in the hospital and if that's the case maybe a custody evaluation is in order.

Pearl72 said:
Sorry it is so long -- I advised him that I would agree to parts of this (like the transporatation helpout) but not all of it, he says i have to agree to it all, or when we go to court the judge will order it anyways...

Would a judge really grant this ? I didn't think Step-Parents had these types of rights... ?
Well, legally they don't have rights but when dad grants them in his home THEN they do. MOST of what is here WOULD likely be granted, absent the few things that would be re-worded. A lot of those that wouldn't be would be because it is moot to have it there in the first place. Once again, I suspect that dad is doing this with all this wording simply because you have caused trouble. Unless there are SEVERE issues or reasons not to, again most of it is just common sense and the one thing you DO NOT want to do is go in demanding she can't do any of this even in her home. Your hostilty will show through. I personally think the wording is not overly bias and think you probably think so as there isn't a step-parent on your side. The wording protects both and leaves petty stuff at the door.
 

tigger22472

Senior Member
WANNACRY said:
if you disagreed with this, a judge would not order it, a judge will never insist you share your rights or extend your priveleges as a parent to another party like that.

I wouldn't sign that crap, looks like sm is weaslin her way into having some major pull.

don't sign, you don't have to.

I have to disagree, there are a few things that should probably be worded differently but MOST of it is reasonable things that even NOT addressed in the parenting plan would be commonplace with little mom could do with absence of proof of abuse or neglect. I am suspicious as to why dad felt the need to have all the wording in there as he did. The part about participating in school events, visiting the hospital and things of such makes me believe that mom has made issues of this in the past OR she's indicated that she would and dad felt the need to address ALL issues to cross t's and dot I's.
 

Zephyr

Senior Member
that is a good point tigger, I hadn't thought of that at all, I would still have a hard time signing something like this, but like you said dad feels he has a reason to request it.
 

tigger22472

Senior Member
WANNACRY said:
that is a good point tigger, I hadn't thought of that at all, I would still have a hard time signing something like this, but like you said dad feels he has a reason to request it.

Like I said to the OP... Honestly I think most of it is reasonable. I don't believe either parents should talk negative about the other parent (that's a given) and I do believe that step-parents and all those included in the other parent's household should be included in this. As parents if we don't also help foster a relationship with a step-parent (I"m not saying going out of our way) it will cause problems at the other parents home and that's not fair to the parent that moves on .. or the child. Being a step-parent is hard enough, a child already often resents them because in their eyes they took their parent and are preventing their parents from being together. They shouldn't have to also defend themselves against negative statements.

The provision in my husband's simply states: Step-parents of the child are to be given the right to transport the said child. Step-parents are also to be given rights to obtain medical help for said child only after which an attempt to contact one or both parents has been made. Step-parents are to be listed with the child's school to be notified of any emergency situation when an attempt has been made to contact either or both parents

Now granted when we took this to court to do a modification this wasn't enter, however, both parents were in agreement with this. The point of putting it here is to show how simple this SHOULD have been.

The one issue dad is looking at is the length of this parenting plan. I am sure there was more and this was just a portion pertaining to this. The judge won't likely read all of it. Dad could be told he's being petty to have put it all in to begin with but again with a select few that probably could be worded differently legally most of it is just common sense that WILL happen if it's in the decree or not and there will be little mom can do about it.

Mom doesn't have to sign anything she doesn't want to, but in the same respect most of these things she can't control anyways so it's either sign it, (also note unless it's signed by a judge it isn't any good anyways), modify and initial if she wants or let dad take it to court and take the chances. Then she's looking a lawyer fees or more.

I can say from experience that if she doesn't sign this dad could go through and think of MORE things ... including filing for custody.
 

MamaLlama

Member
legal reservation...does it open the door for other legal rights later

IMHO I would be concerned that if I signed such a document affording all of these rights to a step parent

1. It could place a step-parent in a prime spot to recieve visitation rights with a child who is already split between two homes(plus grandparents etc), if the marriage did not survive.

related scenario: What happens if the step-parent is seperated(but not legally) from the parent and decides to pick up the child from school etc on the parent's time? They have a legal right to do so based on this document.

2. It would make co-parenting nearly impossible. (See below)

I'm a co- parent and a step-parent and have no natural children with my husband. From both sides of that equation I can tell you from experience when situations with either set of parents and or children arise is it much easier to resolve the issue when the co parents are the only TWO decision makers who come to the table in a time of crisis or conflict. The more people involved with a vested interest trying to resolve a problem the more difficult it is - it simply becomes a power game. If there is a history of conflict here as other posters are suggesting -will make the risk of such a situation inevitable. Seems to me a parent who is pushing for such verbiage in the agreement is intentionally trying to take advantage of the imbalance it would cause.

I would agree to a clause that the step parent can complete any duty relating to the care, transportation of the child as long as it does not usurp the rights of any parent (in cases of right of first refusal or similar special circumstances) and only if it occurs solely during spouse's visitation time. I dont have a problem with the parents each being expected to speak kindly of the other parent and anyone residing in either parents home or their families in the presence of the child and including it in the agreement. Realistically that is nearly impossible to enforce or prove - so it is really just throwing them a bone.
 

gibeson

Junior Member
Step Parents

Va.
Hello I am sorry but I am a step parent of two children and I do everything a mother does for my children. I school, extra activities. I am more involved in my step childrens lives than there own mother is. I see nothing wrong with a step parent wanting to be a part of the childs lives as well as a care giver and Yes step parents do have visitation rights if they divorce. At least here in va. Step parents are parents to. You should personally try to work with them and let the children know that they are not the real mommy but a step mommy. That they love you too and do not want to hurt you . You need to let the child know that it is okay to like that person. If not then your children are going to stir up alot of trouble in both homes and in the end might end up resenting you for it.
Personally the biological mother and I have become friends over the years. Yes we have custody and that makes it a bit different but it all works ou the same that step parents are parents too!!!
 

Pearl72

Member
Thanks for the replies. As i said before, I agree with some parts of this -- but others I don't. There HAVE been issues in the past, that when father had insurance on the child, SM was listed as mom, and not me. I was not allowed to inquire about records or anything... so in that instance, it was a serious problem. There have also been issues in which I would try and talk with Father in regards to child, and SM and Father's other children would get involved about any and most situations. His children should not have any say or input into any conversation that regards my daughter (their youngest sibling). These are adult matters, and should not involve his other children. I do have some issues with SM, which may seem petty to some, One being that SM insists my daughter call her mom, and me by my first name. I feel that is really disrespectful. I have tried to talk to ex about this, and he said that if the shoe were on the other foot, he would have an issue about it too -- but he does nothing more about the situation.

There IS much more that Father has put into parenting plan -- including a Heirachy of Family -- for special holidays, birthday etc... in which him first, me second, his wife 3rd, his mother 4th, my mother 5th, his kids, and then my family... I don't feel there is a "rank" if you will to family. Family is family period! Sorry had to vent on that issue. But yes, there is MUCH more, and this was just a small portion of it.
 

tigger22472

Senior Member
Pearl72 said:
Thanks for the replies. As i said before, I agree with some parts of this -- but others I don't. There HAVE been issues in the past, that when father had insurance on the child, SM was listed as mom, and not me. I was not allowed to inquire about records or anything... so in that instance, it was a serious problem. .
I'm not sure that I've ever seen an insurance company ask who the parents were of a child but I guess they could be different and yes, I agree that if SM was listed that was wrong. However, in the same respect you don't have the rights to contact the insurance company. My husband's ex carries the insurance on their child and they will not release any information to him, only to the policy holder.


Pearl72 said:
There have also been issues in which I would try and talk with Father in regards to child, and SM and Father's other children would get involved about any and most situations. His children should not have any say or input into any conversation that regards my daughter (their youngest sibling). .
You can't prevent dad from getting input from making decisions from other people just as he can't prevent you. If that was the case then you wouldn't be coming here getting advice. Should they butt in? No, but that's when you politely tell him to think the situation over as this is between the two of you and you aren't obligated to discuss this when anyone else. In the same respect,you need to realize that nearly everything that you discuss with him will be presented to the step-mom and she will influence his decisions.

Pearl72 said:
These are adult matters, and should not involve his other children. I do have some issues with SM, which may seem petty to some, One being that SM insists my daughter call her mom, and me by my first name. .
That in itself is something that YOU can put in an order. Judges do not like that. However in the same respect there are judges that would allow or not say much if the child to call both the parent and step-parent mom/or dad as long as the child is comfortable with it.

Pearl72 said:
I feel that is really disrespectful. I have tried to talk to ex about this, and he said that if the shoe were on the other foot, he would have an issue about it too -- but he does nothing more about the situation..
And that makes him a whimp.

Pearl72 said:
There IS much more that Father has put into parenting plan -- including a Heirachy of Family -- for special holidays, birthday etc... in which him first, me second, his wife 3rd, his mother 4th, my mother 5th, his kids, and then my family... I don't feel there is a "rank" if you will to family. Family is family period! Sorry had to vent on that issue. But yes, there is MUCH more, and this was just a small portion of it.
As far as holidays that won't fly. Holidays are generally split between the parents and where the parent decides to have the child is their right as well as it's their right to agree to switch with another parent.. but not obligated.

As stated if the parenting plan is overly long the judge won't even look at all of it and it's not enforceable with out a judges' signature. If you want to really be an A** take it... amend it in writing with your initials and date, keep a copy and return it. I suspect he doesn't plan to file it anyways which won't make it enforcable. I would also make an amendment stating that child is to refrain from calling mom by her first name as directed by either party.
 
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psfunkytek

Guest
Step-Parents

While much of what is being asked for the stepparent is good practice and (not bad mouthing etc.), I would never sign it in a parenting plan. I do wonder if it's been a problem as that seems like a LOT of demands and somewhat innapropriate for a legal document. The role of a step parent can be challenging because the role you take can, and should vary based on the involment (for whatever reason) of the bio parent. If step and bio are constantly clashing the bio will generally have priorty and it will potentially become an ugly, UGLY situation if step doesn't know when it's time to step back (note to steps, if your spouse and other bio disagree on what your role should be, stay out of the middle if you value your marriage).

If step builds a respectful relationship with bio where they are not so anxious to overstep their boundaries without a polite call, then all that language isn't needed in the parenting plan. If step can't or wont (regardless of the reason) it's probably trouble in waiting.

I've know some steps that are better at handling matters than their spouse in just about every way to the point where the other bio would PREFER them handling things over their ex (after all they are ex's) but again in that case, all that language in the agreement wouldn't be necessary. Ask your ex instead of putting all this in the parenting plan to provide a power of attorney for what ever specific things you'd feel they should be able to do (i.e. seek emergency care if the child is hurt etc.). If all that language is REALLY needed about bad mouthing etc.. I'd say some counseling for everyone might be a good idea.

Good luck.
 
T

titansfan

Guest
everyone should butt out and let mom and dad work things out

but sm's kids and dads other kids shouldnt even open their mouths when it comes to dicussing this child-they have NO say in it, and franky, its none of their damm business, its strictly between mom and dad. they are not the parent. firmly tell them next time they open their mouths that you would greatly appreciate if they would butt out, its not their business, its between you and your ex ONLY. if they want to get mad, let em get mad, who cares?also,sm should NOT insist that your daughter call her mom, she is not her mother, sm is an adult living in the house, but she is not her mother. i would not sign anything of theirs, sounds like sm is trying to get rights she knows she doesnt and will never have.
 

tigger22472

Senior Member
psfunkytek said:
UGLY situation if step doesn't know when it's time to step back .
I agree with this. I had to do this just tonight, however, I must say that this can be a problem too. Bio and I get along fine most of the time. However when there is a disagreement among the parents I step back and let them deal with it. Bio gets upset at that point.

For instance MY biological children are not to do sports when in elementary school. It's my rule. Once they hit middle school that's fine with me and they can do 'clubs' in elementary but they are strictly based on behavior and grades. However, my SD's mother thinks it's fine. My husband is willing to work with that, but he's also the type that it's based on grades and behavior. My children will ask why SD can do this or that and they can't. My answer is that I'm not her mother and that's between them. My husband made a deal with SD last year that it was one fall or winter sport in our house. That while in our home (50/50 custody) she could do one or the other but not both. In mom's home she was allowed to do both. SD was given the opportunity to choose which one. Well, it's that time of year again. SD ON HER OWN stated that she was only going to pick one to do (basketball or swimming, mind you she does summer swimming every year anyways). Basketball papers came home today and she chose to do that. Mom called later for something and I informed her (as I'd already told mom of this discussion the other day). She began asking why she couldn't do both.. etc. and I told her that husband had not stated this to daughter this year and SD had stated it and that she was given the choice. She began to get upset over the issue and decided she needed to get off the phone. I have informed husband that he needs to discuss this with Mom now as it seems she's upset. However, what will happen is that Mom will get upset that I won't settle it or I won't make a decision for our end for THEIR child.

I love this child as my own, I do whatever it takes to fill in for mom if needed. I go to parent/teacher conferences when or if dad can't go, I do all the transportation. But she's not my child and when things like this come up I know I need to step back.

My point is it can be rough either way it goes. Some bio parents get upset when the step doesn't do enough or treat their children the way they would like and then some get upset because it's too much. Sometimes we just can't win.
 
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psfunkytek

Guest
Don't minimize "step damage" - Long

Don't minimize the damage that can be done by a step-parent who shares VASTLY different values than you they start teaching it to your child as if they have the right to do so. This is HELL for the child. In one household (household's are frequently dictated by a SM but may potentially either gender) there is one set off rules and in the other something totally different. The child can become resentful, conflicted, confused or just stop trying or caring if it’s impossible to figure out what is right and what is wrong (and they will try). They may feel guilty for allowing themselves to enjoy drinking a soda everyday when other parent only allows one every week.

Does anyone care that a step should be able to tell your child that they must participate in buddists chants, when you are raising them as christian? Imagine having a step fail to take your child to emergency to seek traditional medical treatment for your child’s severe asthma attack because they are christian-scientists, a step throwing a birthday party for your child when you are raising them jehovah’s witness, or giving your child a bahmitzfah if you re catholic all while your ex passively practices no religion?

It's frustrating and unfair when this happens because a step can abuse power and never be accountable like a parent if they behave in a similar objectionable act that the other parent can't control. If no crime was committed against the child by a step, you probably can't go to court and have a judge make an order to make a court order the force the SP to stop especially if the ex claims they allow SP to do it. Ultimately, if the situation isn't resolved, the only way you'll feel you can rescue your children from the SP, is to restrict the custodial time of the other parent at which time you will probably be painted as trying to alienate the child from that parent (and possibly a scorned ex) in the expensive and nasty custody battle that will ensue. You have now entered into the "step parent trap".

Said child will then learn to play one parent (and/or step) against the other and that will leave you wondering what you did wrong and how your child(ren) came to so disregard your rules and the answer will be that well they witnessed their parent allowing a step to disregard your rules as they grew up, so if you couldn't respect it how dare you judge me for not respecting either.

For the record, I believe it's the re-married spouses' responsibility to draw proper boundaries that respect the rights of the other parent, but the reality is that once the relationship has been established on a balance of power that allows a step to have a certain measure of control over the household and/or step-children, trying to change the rules later will probably destroy the marriage.

I’m not picking on any religion (just examples) and I’m not picking on step-parents either, I know plenty of them are angels in disguise who flew in and took on responsibilities that bio parent failed to attend to, and since frequently the only reward a parent and/or step parent will see for their efforts is the accomplishments of the child, the step can be reward for their positive efforts without ever having to be accountable for their bad ones. I hope I haven't offend anyone, but with each passing day, I find it harder and harder to see children get hurt in the middle of these situations.

Anybody catch the 20/20 special on Thursday, August 18, 2005? I’m watching it now, and needing a Kleenex.

All the best to everyone's child(ren), natural and step.
 
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PSFUNKYTEK--- I am usually very careful not to take posts personally but this I have to say. I know you didn't mean to offend but what the HELL?????

Ok the religion thing--- HUGE yes anyone would get ticked and yes it is the bios responsibility to set the major issues like that.

But in everyday child rearing totally different. I am a step-mom and my husband has primary residential custody. Mom has no visitation. Mom and I get along. OK honestly I put up with her and she hates me. Yes b/c I am raising her child and yes b/c I gave her ex husband the support and strength and a little know how to enforce his rights and eventually gain custody (but that was all her fault)

I had an amazing step-mom and step-dad. They still are amazing and love me despite the fact that legally there has been no obligation for 16 years with my step dad (but co-walked me down the aisle in February) and 10 years with my step-mom (who helped my step dad pay for my wedding). both my bios are alive and we are close but I never would have been the person I am. And I am proud of who I have become w/o them. And yes the steps ran their respective homes and quite differently. But you know what I knew there were some things I could do in one place and not the other. This was not damaging to me and yes the rules were extremely different.

But I would laugh in the face of my husbands' ex if she ever attempted to run MY hosehold. I tell you LAUGH!!!! She has NO right. She has tried telling my SD that she doesn't have a bedtime. Yeah right maybe not when she use to go to moms but in our house where the adults have these pesky things called jobs we do in fact have a bedtime.

Any parent bio or step tahe attempts to run a household that they are not a member of should be put in their place immediately! Time with dad (and all respective members of that household) is time with dad. Time with Mom (again all respective members of THAT household) is time with mom. These two times overlap at max during an exchange.

IMHO it is just another attempt for an ex to have some type of control when they try to dictate another household. LET GO!!!!!

Sorry but you hit a nerve with me. Being a step-parent is hard enough w/o people out there trying to help Disney make the step-parents evil.

So funny that when I met my daughters' new friend at school today and she asked me if I was the babysitter I said no I am her step-mom and the little girl looks up at me (1st grader) and said; "I thought Step-moms were suppose to be mean and ugly" I just laughed and told her that it wasn't true some people are mean some are nice it doesn't matter if they are step-parents, regular parents or don't even have children. Just thought that little story fit my point.
 

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