I am a stepmom to two kids. I'm sure you've heard these stories many times but their mother and I do not get along. I have been the person who's always held her tongue and tried to keep the "waters calm" while she's poisoned the kids' minds with slanderous things about me. Just recently, she started a session of "phone tag" with me by leaving a nasty message on my answering machine. I responded in a calm manner, to which she called me at work and told me to "never call her work again!" and hung up on me. I calmly left her a message at home to say that if there is a concern with the kids that I should be able to call her if she is needed to be reached. She left me another message, this time at my work, which said "you are a nobody and always will be a nobody to my kids.... do not call me ever again, this is my legal right, if you need to talk to me about the kids go through their father". Does she have a legal right for me to not call her about the kids? Would that qualify as harassment? And also in the future, if SHE initiates the conversation (as she did this time), does that still qualify as harassment if I respond? Thank you.
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Stepmom/Mom conflict
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billyjean
Guest
response
As a stepmother having dealt with a mother whom is far from rational, my advice is to let dead dogs lie. Refrain from contact and let Dad deal with it. Let her leave her childish messages, and ignore them. In the long run you will show you are the bigger person, stronger in character. Instead of being rational and realizing you will spend a great deal of time with her children, she will continue to bad mouth you to them. The children will suffer in this area when they discover their mother has lied to them. They will see through all she says, and her relationship with the children will suffer. Perhaps Dad needs to step up and put his foot down. Have him ask her to refrain from her childish messages and she is no longer to call you, at any time. Then he too needs to ignore her irrational behavior. But, he is their father and the responsibility should be his and not left to you. He should deal with her. It's not your problem
As a stepmother having dealt with a mother whom is far from rational, my advice is to let dead dogs lie. Refrain from contact and let Dad deal with it. Let her leave her childish messages, and ignore them. In the long run you will show you are the bigger person, stronger in character. Instead of being rational and realizing you will spend a great deal of time with her children, she will continue to bad mouth you to them. The children will suffer in this area when they discover their mother has lied to them. They will see through all she says, and her relationship with the children will suffer. Perhaps Dad needs to step up and put his foot down. Have him ask her to refrain from her childish messages and she is no longer to call you, at any time. Then he too needs to ignore her irrational behavior. But, he is their father and the responsibility should be his and not left to you. He should deal with her. It's not your problem
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bmeadows
Guest
Step mom having trouble with mom
I agree with billyjean. While I am both a mother and a step mother. It is the responsibilty of the biological parents
to get along and make sure the children have their support.
One question though, why are you dealing with mom rather than the father of the children? I have a similar situation
where my children's stepmother is too jealous to allow any conversation to take place between the kid's father and I.
Take a moment to make sure there is no way the mommy can
mis-interpret your involvement as such. This type of perception will always leave her feeling as though she has the upper hand. My advice - be confident with your relationship to your husband and let dad deal with mom. After all, they probably had a similar arrangement before
either party remarried. It is in the best interest of the children to try and promote a healthy relationship for raising the children by the biological parents.
I agree with billyjean. While I am both a mother and a step mother. It is the responsibilty of the biological parents
to get along and make sure the children have their support.
One question though, why are you dealing with mom rather than the father of the children? I have a similar situation
where my children's stepmother is too jealous to allow any conversation to take place between the kid's father and I.
Take a moment to make sure there is no way the mommy can
mis-interpret your involvement as such. This type of perception will always leave her feeling as though she has the upper hand. My advice - be confident with your relationship to your husband and let dad deal with mom. After all, they probably had a similar arrangement before
either party remarried. It is in the best interest of the children to try and promote a healthy relationship for raising the children by the biological parents.
response to bmeadows
>> One question though, why are you dealing with mom rather than the father of the children?
My husband actually does deal with the mom practically 98% of the time. I have kept away from the situation so that we could maintain peace for the kids' benefit as she has always been very irratic and has been the aggressor. She has spoken of me and my husband in a very derogatory manner to her kids or in front of her kids on so many occasions that I've lost count. This was SO bad that we even had that stipulated in the custody order (which obviously she doesn't abide by). I certainly am not jealous of the two parties talking to each other in the least. This particular instance was initiated by the mom. She called my house and left a message directed to me saying derogatory remarks yet again simply because she was angry at me for telling my husband her daughter was ill instead of her getting to tell him. In the past, I've ignored them, but I felt compelled to at least give her a logical response to her message. So mainly it's a case of her ego being bent and she gets upset at me for the smallest of reasons as she is still upset that I'm in her ex-husband and children's lives, period.
>> . My advice - be confident with your relationship to your husband and let dad deal with mom.
I do let him deal with her but if she directs things specifically to me, am I also to just stand there and take the abuse? I have done so for over 4 years. Don't know if I can do it any longer.
>> It is in the best interest of the children to try and promote a healthy relationship for raising the children by the biological parents.
She also abuses her oldest child (whom she feels is more loyal to me than her) by verbally and physically accosting her every chance she can get. I don't feel that is healthy for a child either. This is a very complex situation and unfortunately I am not dealing with a rational person in their mother.
>> One question though, why are you dealing with mom rather than the father of the children?
My husband actually does deal with the mom practically 98% of the time. I have kept away from the situation so that we could maintain peace for the kids' benefit as she has always been very irratic and has been the aggressor. She has spoken of me and my husband in a very derogatory manner to her kids or in front of her kids on so many occasions that I've lost count. This was SO bad that we even had that stipulated in the custody order (which obviously she doesn't abide by). I certainly am not jealous of the two parties talking to each other in the least. This particular instance was initiated by the mom. She called my house and left a message directed to me saying derogatory remarks yet again simply because she was angry at me for telling my husband her daughter was ill instead of her getting to tell him. In the past, I've ignored them, but I felt compelled to at least give her a logical response to her message. So mainly it's a case of her ego being bent and she gets upset at me for the smallest of reasons as she is still upset that I'm in her ex-husband and children's lives, period.
>> . My advice - be confident with your relationship to your husband and let dad deal with mom.
I do let him deal with her but if she directs things specifically to me, am I also to just stand there and take the abuse? I have done so for over 4 years. Don't know if I can do it any longer.
>> It is in the best interest of the children to try and promote a healthy relationship for raising the children by the biological parents.
She also abuses her oldest child (whom she feels is more loyal to me than her) by verbally and physically accosting her every chance she can get. I don't feel that is healthy for a child either. This is a very complex situation and unfortunately I am not dealing with a rational person in their mother.
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billyjean
Guest
your situation is so much like mine that it scares the hell out of me to think there are more mom's like this. you don't have to take the abuse, I simply ignore her (which of course irritates her) and refuse any contact whatsoever, even if she asks for me. I say i'll have their father call you and hang up. i've been assaulted, cursed, and my life threatened, of which she was found guilty. Perhaps their father should file a motion to amend that the children be required to attend counseling. make the judge aware of what is taking place. he should have no contact with her either unless it is directly related to children. once you take control of the situation there is nothing she can do. refuse to participate in her games (and that's what they are)refuse to call her for any reason. i have been there and tried to be responsible and nice by responding to her, only to be attacked.......ignore her at all cost. it is taking it's toll on your family life in more ways than one. you have to take control. don't bother with being nice she will distort everything you say or do. don't bother with her at all. let the judge know she is not honoring the agreement and that's why you want the kids in counseling. it is for their emotional well-being. the stories i could tell would make your hair turn gray. you are more than welcome to respond to me by email, i will gladly correspond with you. God Bless
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yellorose
Guest
If I may interject......... I am in the same situation as you two ladies. It never ceases to amaze me how hateful some moms can be towards their ex-husbands, the step-moms, and ultimately and most importantly, their own children. I do the same as you do billyjean, at this point there is absolutely ZERO contact between myself and my step kids mom. I give my opinion to my husband only, and what he does with it is what he does with it. I have to keep in mind that they are NOT my children, and legally, it's not my place (morally is another issue) to speak to their mother in hopes of raising the children 'together', that's their father's place.
A word of encouragement (which is why I really wanted to reply): My parents divorced when I was 13. My mom had a particularly venomous tongue when it came to my dad. She just couldn't GET enough opportunties to tell me what a piece of sh** he was. Once my dad got married again, my mom attacked his wife as a whore, husband stealer, you name it. As a result, I only went to visit my dad ONCE while I was a teenager, ONCE. When he or his wife would come to get my sister for visitation, I wanted no part of them, and would even call my dad's wife all the names I had heard my mother call her ( I was only a kid, remember, and under my mother's influence ).
Their reaction to all my hatred? " I/we're sorry you feel that way. If you ever change your mind, we'll be here, we love you " Over and over again they said it. Finally, it sank in. I started talking to them, and today my dad, my step-mom and I are closer than anyone could possibly imagine. And have been since I was about 20 years old.
I now see my mother for who she was (still is) and while I still talk to her (she IS my mother), I am and will always be ROYALLY peeved that she robbed me of about eight years with my dad.
Moral of the story? Hang tight and have faith. ALWAYS be the better person (even when doing so really reeks!). The children will come to recognize all you've done for them one day.
A word of encouragement (which is why I really wanted to reply): My parents divorced when I was 13. My mom had a particularly venomous tongue when it came to my dad. She just couldn't GET enough opportunties to tell me what a piece of sh** he was. Once my dad got married again, my mom attacked his wife as a whore, husband stealer, you name it. As a result, I only went to visit my dad ONCE while I was a teenager, ONCE. When he or his wife would come to get my sister for visitation, I wanted no part of them, and would even call my dad's wife all the names I had heard my mother call her ( I was only a kid, remember, and under my mother's influence ).
Their reaction to all my hatred? " I/we're sorry you feel that way. If you ever change your mind, we'll be here, we love you " Over and over again they said it. Finally, it sank in. I started talking to them, and today my dad, my step-mom and I are closer than anyone could possibly imagine. And have been since I was about 20 years old.
I now see my mother for who she was (still is) and while I still talk to her (she IS my mother), I am and will always be ROYALLY peeved that she robbed me of about eight years with my dad.
Moral of the story? Hang tight and have faith. ALWAYS be the better person (even when doing so really reeks!). The children will come to recognize all you've done for them one day.
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cat2young
Guest
ssdd
My husband is in the same situation with my ex, he had to get a restraing order against my ex after he tracked us down at a friends and attacked him (he had the children with him!!) . I have tried very hard to keep them from having any contact, but sometimes my ex has made it impossible. It has gotten better with time and the children will eventually realize the truth. Hang in there and do your best to have nothing to do with her. If she knows she is not having a affect on you and your husband she will (hopefully) get the message.
My husband is in the same situation with my ex, he had to get a restraing order against my ex after he tracked us down at a friends and attacked him (he had the children with him!!) . I have tried very hard to keep them from having any contact, but sometimes my ex has made it impossible. It has gotten better with time and the children will eventually realize the truth. Hang in there and do your best to have nothing to do with her. If she knows she is not having a affect on you and your husband she will (hopefully) get the message.
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bmeadows
Guest
Stepmom/Mom Conflict
I have to keep in mind that they are NOT my children, and legally, it's not my place (morally is another issue) to speak to their mother in hopes of raising the children 'together', that's their father's place.
Words of wisdom! This is a very tough realization to come to, but one that takes on a deeper understanding. This has to be the most mature attitude a step parent can have.
Being on both sides of the fence on this topic, it is hard as a mother to see another woman loving and caring for my children. However, I am one of the rational ones. I have to evaluate it from the standpoint of the welfare of my children. This scenario is FAR better than having one who does not care. For that, I am thankful to her. Not every
mom can have that capacity to understand at the level of what is good for the children. Unfortunately, we can't control the behavior of others. Yellorose has some real insight that parents lose sight of. Every child grows up. While they are very impressionable at the earlier ages, they get enlightened as adults. As did yellorose below:
I am and will always be ROYALLY peeved that she robbed me of about eight years with my dad.
Moral of the story? Hang tight and have faith. ALWAYS be the better person (even when doing so really reeks!). The children will come to recognize all you've done for them one day. [/B][/QUOTE]
Once again, true insight! This has to be the best thing I've read all month. By the way, thanks for the reminder.
I'm refreshed again myself. Very impressed - thank you for sharing.
bmeadows
I have to keep in mind that they are NOT my children, and legally, it's not my place (morally is another issue) to speak to their mother in hopes of raising the children 'together', that's their father's place.
Words of wisdom! This is a very tough realization to come to, but one that takes on a deeper understanding. This has to be the most mature attitude a step parent can have.
Being on both sides of the fence on this topic, it is hard as a mother to see another woman loving and caring for my children. However, I am one of the rational ones. I have to evaluate it from the standpoint of the welfare of my children. This scenario is FAR better than having one who does not care. For that, I am thankful to her. Not every
mom can have that capacity to understand at the level of what is good for the children. Unfortunately, we can't control the behavior of others. Yellorose has some real insight that parents lose sight of. Every child grows up. While they are very impressionable at the earlier ages, they get enlightened as adults. As did yellorose below:
I am and will always be ROYALLY peeved that she robbed me of about eight years with my dad.
Moral of the story? Hang tight and have faith. ALWAYS be the better person (even when doing so really reeks!). The children will come to recognize all you've done for them one day. [/B][/QUOTE]
Once again, true insight! This has to be the best thing I've read all month. By the way, thanks for the reminder.
I'm refreshed again myself. Very impressed - thank you for sharing.
bmeadows
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sandyeee
Guest
Once again, you are not alone. I am a step-mom and the ex is always causing trouble. She will call my husband, usually about something that she thinks I did and then she wants to talk to me. I have tried to be civil but there is no being civil with an irrational person. So I have also decided that I will not respond to her any more. She wants conflict, it is obvious, and I will no longer entertain her. Would you believe she actually called me up and accused me of picking on my step son. The examples she sited were that I hound him to brush his teeth and make him clean his room, things along those lines. (Is that a bad thing?) It seems as most ex-wives are merely jealous of what they no longer have and use the kids and the step moms to get back at their ex-husbands. She also slanders me every chance she get to my husband, calling me everthing under the sun. If she is doing it to him, you can rest assure she is filling her sons head with her vicious words. It is very stressful because you are constantely waiting for what she will do next. I have had it too, and regardless of what she does or says, I keep reminding myself that you reap what you sow. Someday her son will see exactly what she is all about! I have decided that I not speak to her anymore. My husband has also cut her off when she starts trashing me and the way we do things in our home. Just remember - she wants to cause hurt - so don't let her! Good luck.
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bmeadows
Guest
This will be my last comment, but one that I feel is warranted. *Readers, please keep in mind that my background is in Sociology not Law.*
I'm recalling an incident when one of my children were being harrassed at school by very similar, childish yet hurtful antics from the other child. This is the classic bully syndrome. Which is the same behavior the mom is displaying. Bullies have low self esteem generally and they are only made to feel better about themselves when they are making others miserable. The continuation of the behavior
is only exacerbated by letting them know it bothers you.
I suggested to my child that she ignore the other child
(who was only excused from her behavior in that - she was after all only a child! of which I also reminded my child)it worked. The other child got bored with the whole thing as it no longer caused a reaction from mine. (sorry but for the sake of simplicity, I'm using a possesive term when referrencing the child I raise)
I know I may be "beating a dead horse" at this point, but I wanted to elaborate on why ignoring this type of behavior works. They get bored with it eventually when it causes no reaction. Sometimes it takes a while, but it does work.
Who wants to go through scheming up a plan to get no reaction time and time again?
I'm recalling an incident when one of my children were being harrassed at school by very similar, childish yet hurtful antics from the other child. This is the classic bully syndrome. Which is the same behavior the mom is displaying. Bullies have low self esteem generally and they are only made to feel better about themselves when they are making others miserable. The continuation of the behavior
is only exacerbated by letting them know it bothers you.
I suggested to my child that she ignore the other child
(who was only excused from her behavior in that - she was after all only a child! of which I also reminded my child)it worked. The other child got bored with the whole thing as it no longer caused a reaction from mine. (sorry but for the sake of simplicity, I'm using a possesive term when referrencing the child I raise)
I know I may be "beating a dead horse" at this point, but I wanted to elaborate on why ignoring this type of behavior works. They get bored with it eventually when it causes no reaction. Sometimes it takes a while, but it does work.
Who wants to go through scheming up a plan to get no reaction time and time again?
Thank you
I just wanted to say thank you all for your support. You have come to my aid even though we do not know each other. It gives me hope that there truly are kind people out there and not just these types of psycho-moms/ex-wives that you'd see on the Jerry Springer show. I am amazed at how many of you are sympathetic to my situation and unfortunately are dealing with the same issues as well. I appreciate all the wise and practical advice you've given me and especially appreciate Yellowrose's comments about her own experience as a child of divorce. It further gives me hope that my stepkids will (in the end) see their mom's "true colors". I have always wanted all of us to get along and perhaps that is why I've tolerated her behavior for so long (even wanted the verbal coorespondence so she'd see how NICE I really am!), but I see now that that is a lost cause and have to deal with my own disappointment and accept that that's just the way things will have to be. If she does try to contact me again in the future (she's called me when I had my own baby and acted as if she was my long-lost friend, congratulating me and telling me how proud she was and how much she loved me for taking such good care of her kids, etc... ), I will just have to remind her to go through my husband as she had outlined to me. She can't have it both ways. I'm tired of all of this... Anyway, thank you all again. I do not regret being in my stepkids' lives one bit and I believe they are benefitting from having me as a role model. And if this was a perfect world, I'd wish their mother was a great mother to them. I'd prefer that for their welfare and happiness. But unfortunately, that is not the case. Poor kids.
I just wanted to say thank you all for your support. You have come to my aid even though we do not know each other. It gives me hope that there truly are kind people out there and not just these types of psycho-moms/ex-wives that you'd see on the Jerry Springer show. I am amazed at how many of you are sympathetic to my situation and unfortunately are dealing with the same issues as well. I appreciate all the wise and practical advice you've given me and especially appreciate Yellowrose's comments about her own experience as a child of divorce. It further gives me hope that my stepkids will (in the end) see their mom's "true colors". I have always wanted all of us to get along and perhaps that is why I've tolerated her behavior for so long (even wanted the verbal coorespondence so she'd see how NICE I really am!), but I see now that that is a lost cause and have to deal with my own disappointment and accept that that's just the way things will have to be. If she does try to contact me again in the future (she's called me when I had my own baby and acted as if she was my long-lost friend, congratulating me and telling me how proud she was and how much she loved me for taking such good care of her kids, etc... ), I will just have to remind her to go through my husband as she had outlined to me. She can't have it both ways. I'm tired of all of this... Anyway, thank you all again. I do not regret being in my stepkids' lives one bit and I believe they are benefitting from having me as a role model. And if this was a perfect world, I'd wish their mother was a great mother to them. I'd prefer that for their welfare and happiness. But unfortunately, that is not the case. Poor kids.
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bmeadows
Guest
Good girl! Wonderful plan. Set your boundaries and stick with it. That will save your own sanity. I hope that you'll be blessed with a good end result with the kids.
And.... you will.
And.... you will.
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