Sticky Situation

[DealingWDrama]

I am in Florida. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have 2 children together. One month ago my husband admitted to having had an affair with another woman (they are the same age, 41 ... I am 31) and she is pregnant - 5 months. We are working on our marriage and not planning on getting divorced. This woman keeps text messaging my husband and telling him he will never see this child. She has told him she wants him to pay child support but sign away his parental rights as far as visitation is concerned. He is torn - on one hand, if this is his child (paternity will be established before anything is signed or considered completely) he is responsible and will pay child support for the child; however, he does not think it is right to pay child support and avoid the child. Friends of ours have told him to sign away his rights and not look back. This woman has become rude and mean towards him and us (I'm not an idiot, I know why). She is sending text messages and leaving voice mails cussing him out and threatening to do x, y, and z. I personally feel like I do not want to be involved with this woman for the rest of my life and want my husband to sign away his rights to this child so we do not have to deal with the other woman for the rest of our lives. When the child is older and is no longer completely reliable on her mother, I can see her developing a relationship with my husband. Aside from telling me to divorce my husband, is there any legal advice I can be given to help this situation?

 

[Isis1]

unless mom has a husband to adopt the baby, it is highly unlikely dad can relinquish his rights. at this point, he doesn't have any until paternity has been established. dad will be paying support. he does not have to use his rights if he doesn't want to. but it will be sad for the child if he choses not to. as there is no baby yet, you and your husband might consider getting a restraining order.

 

[CJane]

Aside from telling me to divorce my husband, is there any legal advice I can be given to help this situation?

Nope.

It's 100% up to your husband whether or not to attempt to establish custody and visitation rights. There is nothing to 'sign away' his rights. All he has to do is nothing.

However, she's well within HER rights to file for child support and he'll have to pay it whether he sees the child or not. Again, no action is required on his part unless he wants to contest paternity (and he should).

One thing to remember. If you do eventually get divorced and get custody of the children, the CS amount for the children you share with your husband will be based on his income AFTER he pays CS for this child. Which means your children will potentially 'get less' than this child because that order will be established first.

 

[DealingWDrama]

Nope.

It's 100% up to your husband whether or not to attempt to establish custody and visitation rights. There is nothing to 'sign away' his rights. All he has to do is nothing.

However, she's well within HER rights to file for child support and he'll have to pay it whether he sees the child or not. Again, no action is required on his part unless he wants to contest paternity (and he should).

One thing to remember. If you do eventually get divorced and get custody of the children, the CS amount for the children you share with your husband will be based on his income AFTER he pays CS for this child. Which means your children will potentially 'get less' than this child because that order will be established first.

I did contact an attorney and ask about that very thing. I was told in the State of Florida that child support is determined on the amount made by both parents and does not take into consideration the number of children previously being paid child support for. A deduction can be requested; however, that will be determined if we get divorced during the court pocedure.

 

[DealingWDrama]

unless mom has a husband to adopt the baby, it is highly unlikely dad can relinquish his rights. at this point, he doesn't have any until paternity has been established. dad will be paying support. he does not have to use his rights if he doesn't want to. but it will be sad for the child if he choses not to. as there is no baby yet, you and your husband might consider getting a restraining order.

I suggested that very thing...

 

[penelope10]

I just wanted to bring up one other point, unless this woman is a complete nut ball, it may be a good thing that Dad does ask for visitation rights to see the kiddo. As it was pointed out, he doesn't have to exercise those rights as he so chooses. And your kiddo or kiddos will now have a half brother or half sister out there. It might end up being a GOOD thing for the children to have a relationship with one another.

 

[DealingWDrama]

Am I crazy

Am I crazy to think that this situation can be handled as adults by putting the needs of the child first? I am willing to stand by my husband and help him seek paternity, and if he is the father of this child to help him fight for his rights to visitation. With him being married to me, I find it hard to understand if he will have rights to visitation or not. I realize without her asking for them he will have none. However, because we have text messages from her claiming he is the father does he have the right to seek paternity if she decides to not include him in the child's life?

 

[DealingWDrama]

I just wanted to bring up one other point, unless this woman is a complete nut ball, it may be a good thing that Dad does ask for visitation rights to see the kiddo. As it was pointed out, he doesn't have to exercise those rights as he so chooses. And your kiddo or kiddos will now have a half brother or half sister out there. It might end up being a GOOD thing for the children to have a relationship with one another.

I thought about it from that stand point as well. It isn't fair for any child to not know where they come from or who their family is. I am the grandchild of an affair between a married man (my biological grandfather) and my grandmother. I have always wanted to know my paternal side of the family, but because of the taboo nature involved with women getting pregnant by married men in the 1950s that has never been possible. I truly want for things to be handled in an adult and mature manner and put the child's best interest on the table as well as the interest of my two children.

 

[Isis1]

Am I crazy to think that this situation can be handled as adults by putting the needs of the child first? I am willing to stand by my husband and help him seek paternity, and if he is the father of this child to help him fight for his rights to visitation. With him being married to me, I find it hard to understand if he will have rights to visitation or not. I realize without her asking for them he will have none. However, because we have text messages from her claiming he is the father does he have the right to seek paternity if she decides to not include him in the child's life?

are you crazy to think it? absolutely not. but all parties have to be in agreement for this to happen. not to be snide, but how much common sense can this woman have to have an affair with a married man? so don't expect her to act rationally where your husband is concerned.

if dad wants it, dad can file for visitation/custody and support without mom's permission. if he does, prepare yourself to have this woman involved in your life. i strongly recommend you both get involved in marriage counseling. it will help you both work on trust isues. and yes, these issues will rear it's ugly head everytime mom calls and makes an issue.

 

[DealingWDrama]

Thanks! She isn't a stable person and I realize she would have to have to serious issues to get involved with a married man in the first place. Once again, I realize that affairs are symptoms of bigger problems. Ironically this pregnancy situation has brought the two of us closer. We are discussing issues within our marriage that led to this...I think mid-life crisis is a big part of it. We will be going to marriage counseling soon - thank you for the suggestion.

 

[nextwife]

VERY first order of business: DNA test (once born).

Nothing else matters if he turns out to not be dad.

 

[Humusluvr]

Thanks! She isn't a stable person and I realize she would have to have to serious issues to get involved with a married man in the first place. Once again, I realize that affairs are symptoms of bigger problems. Ironically this pregnancy situation has brought the two of us closer. We are discussing issues within our marriage that led to this...I think mid-life crisis is a big part of it. We will be going to marriage counseling soon - thank you for the suggestion.

Hey hey hey, your husband is JUST as guilty.....

IMHO, hubby should file for support/paternity/visitation as soon as child is born. Follow the court orders, and he should have a relationship with the child. Don't give up on kiddo before they are even born.

And yes, if this woman is as "unstable" as you say - then you won't be able to work ANYTHING out without a court order.

 

[2Mistakes]

LEGAL ADVICE:

As has been stated, as soon as the child is born, your husband needs to file to establish paternity (via a DNA test), custody/visitation, and child support.

Under no circumstances should he sign an acknowledgement of paternity. I don't care what the mother says, or anyone at the hospital. Tell him not to sign anything saying he is the baby's father. He needs a DNA test to determine that. He may very well not be the father.

DR. PHIL(ish) ADVICE:

I know how much this must hurt for you. And having this child around (if s/he is your husband's child) will be a constant reminder of his infidelity. BUT, please try to remember that it is not the child's fault. Your husband and the mother are solely to blame, both equally. But this innocent child shouldn't have to suffer because of his/her mother and father's mistakes.

Ultimately, it's up to you and your husband on whether he has a relationship with this child, if the child is his. But please remember that the child did not ask to be born into this drama.

I wish you and your family luck. You have a long road ahead.

 

[CJane]

Is SHE married?

 

[CJane]

Thanks! She isn't a stable person and I realize she would have to have to serious issues to get involved with a married man in the first place.

Really? Why?

Because I'm thinking the person w**serious issues' is the MARRIED MAN who gets involved with another woman.

This woman wasn't (apparently) risking her entire family for a piece of a**. The married MAN was.

This woman wasn't (apparently) risking bringing home any number of diseases to the spouse that she promised to love, honor and cherish. The married MAN was.

The 'issues' are far more the married man's than the woman's. IMO of course.