Surprise Mediation Results-please advise

[daddenied]

What is the name of your state? CA

Hello, some of you know my story...I went to mediation last week and the entire time there I felt that the female mediator was totally biased and on my ex-wife's side. I took in police reports showing that she had violated the child custody and visitation order (we share legal and physical custody with her being the custodial parent since 2002). None of that mattered. I proposed more visitation with my children who I have not seen since Jan. 2005. Their mother has been successful in keeping them away from me for almost a year. I have seen them for 3 short visits in the last 11 months. I felt calm and collected the entire time in there, while my ex-wife was dramatic and mentioned she now believes that I am a danger to the kids. I know it is because she does not want them spending time with me and the woman I am seeing (who in the past-last summer and Christmas has taken wonderful care of our children with me). It's all about hatred and jealousy and not for the best interest of the kids. My attorney called me today to tell me that the mediator sided with my ex-wife and in court on Friday to expect the judge to adhere to the mediator's recommendation "for the next 6 months, I will have to drive to where they live-4 1/2 hours away-where she moved them to after the divorce in 2002, and have SUPERVISED visits with my children!" I am furious, I am hurt and I feel like giving up. I don't think this is fair and I think I said it before that I believe our court systems are still biased against fathers and especially African American fathers who have children with white women (my ex-wife is white). A friend who is a judge in another state told me that there is no real justice in the family law system sometimes. I need some type of advice and words of encouragement. I hope this post does not offend anyone. My ex-wife scoffed and laughed out loud at me when I mentioned I did not drink, smoke, do drugs (I was a casual 3 times a year drinker up until 2002) counseled in college, advocate of eduation, loved my sons, taught Sunday School to teenagers. It was horrible. Am I stuck with this mediator's recommendation? Will it be a positive thing for me to see my kids in these required counseling sessions-so much damage has been done and I feel that they have been so negatively influenced by their mother. And, last if anyone asks, there has never been any past domestic violence EVER!!! Thanks!

Extremely sad father.

 

[OkiDad]

If you have to...tough it out

As a custodial father and Counselor, I can say you've been handed a burden that most don't have to carry. Your anger and sadness is normal and expected. If the judge actually buys into the arrangement, then accept the burden and do your best to make each visit count as an investment. Participate open and honestly in any counseling. Accept responsibility for your feelings, avoid raging against the mom (probably exactly what she's hoping for). Then cash in your investment 6 months from now by going back to court and showing all the extra effort you put in.

 

[Rushia]

I really don't have advice, but I wanted to say Don't give up. As much as it sucks, follow the recommendations and hopefully things will get better. As long as it's for your children, it's worth it.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

In March you had attempted to make your exchange three times and she failed to appear and had to involve the DA office to facilitate the Christmas visitation. You were correctly advised to make police reports in both jurisdictions and to the DA office/Child abduction unit, that is how it is handled in California. You were also advised to have your attorney file contempt chardes against your ex, these reports were needed for those proceedings, not for mediation alone.
https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?t=230051

Did you file for contempt? Did you contact the child abduction units? It is very important to follow up on those reports as the counties may not even tell you that you filed in the wrong jurisdiction. What county are you living in and what county has jurisdiction, what county do the children live in? How old are the children. If there are no police reports re domestic violence it seems strange that a judge would only provide supervised visitation, when the previous agreement allowed for joint legal and physical custody. Did she move the children with the court's permission?

Now is when you need to take out the big guns, it will cost you money but it will level the playing field if there is bias. Ask your attorney to ask for an EC 730 evaluation and petition to appoint a Guardian ad Litem for the children's best interest.

 

[daddenied]

No contempt charges...

In March you had attempted to make your exchange three times and she failed to appear and had to involve the DA office to facilitate the Christmas visitation. You were correctly advised to make police reports in both jurisdictions and to the DA office/Child abduction unit, that is how it is handled in California. You were also advised to have your attorney file contempt chardes against your ex, these reports were needed for those proceedings, not for mediation alone.
https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?t=230051

Did you file for contempt? Did you contact the child abduction units? It is very important to follow up on those reports as the counties may not even tell you that you filed in the wrong jurisdiction. What county are you living in and what county has jurisdiction, what county do the children live in? How old are the children. If there are no police reports re domestic violence it seems strange that a judge would only provide supervised visitation, when the previous agreement allowed for joint legal and physical custody. Did she move the children with the court's permission?

Now is when you need to take out the big guns, it will cost you money but it will level the playing field if there is bias. Ask your attorney to ask for an EC 730 evaluation and petition to appoint a Guardian ad Litem for the children's best interest.

No contempt charges were filed. According to the Fresno police, where she and the children live, although we share joint legal and physical custody and although they allowed me to file all the 9 reports I filed with them, the original agreement we had dated Dec. 2002 was not specific enough to file contempt charges. I also contacted the Child Abduction Unit and my attorney did as well...nothing came out of it, at least that I know of. I have exhausted most if not all of my resources. My attorney who has been with me since Aug. 2004 states I am out of money and in order for him to show up on Friday morning to represent me in court I have to come up with $1500.00. Not sure how I will do this, but see no other way. I am hoping he can appeal to the court and the judge and that the judgment will not be for the recommendation of this mediator who did not hide her support and bias for my ex-wife in mediation. I was shocked. Our children are ages 10-15. I live in L.A. County, over 250 miles away and the mediator's recommendation is that my visits be once a week in a therapist's office in Fresno County, a therapist chosen by my ex-wife and that I pay for all visits, and I also pay for all travel expenses. The entire thing seems unreasonable and it is my hope that I can still keep my attorney and that he will do something to convince the judge on Friday that I am a good father, and that my ex-wife is simply trying to alienate my children from me due to her own unhappiness in her own life...a life we have not shared in over 2 years (divorce was finalized in May 2003).

What is an EC 730 Evaluation? I will speaking with my attorney tomorrow evening to tell him if I got the money for him to show up in court for me or not. Is the EC 730 EVal something I can get on my own? Is there any way I can have another mediator re-evaluate, who does not live in Fresno County? I really believe my ex-wife will go to any measures to be ugly and unkind. I feel like giving up as I currenly live under the poverty level after paying monthly child support, yet get no tax credit or dependent credits through the year. And, there has NEVER been domestic violence in my family then or now...my ex-wife has the mediator convinced that my voice tone is inappropriate and I am not allowed to be a real father to my children, unless I whisper and not condone or condemn them when they are in the wrong...something regular, non-divorced fathers are able to do when disciplining their children. I am praying that the judge who hears this case on Friday will be able to determine the truths of everything presented and make a fair decision for the sake of my children and our relationship. The recommendation states that for 6 months I must travel to Fresno at least once a week and meet with my children and a counselor...I cannot afford to do this.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

If your divorce was in LA county why did you allow the jurisdiciton to be changed to Fresno Co?

Here is a link to information about EC 730 evaluation.
http://search.netscape.com/ns/boomframe.jsp?query=california+codes&page=1&offset=2&result_url=redir?src=websearch&requestId=e0fac066b4055df3&clickedItemRank=1&userQuery=california+codes&clickedItemURN=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.leginfo.ca.gov%2Fcalaw.html&invocationType=-&fromPage=NSBROWSER&ampTest=1&remove_url=http://www.leginfo.ca.gov/calaw.html
Petition the court to have your ex pay the entire cost of the evaluation since she failed to follow the order. Also ask the judge disreguard the mediators decision, mediators are there to bring you together in a decision, not to make an evaluation, these are different jobs. If the judge still rules to follow these reccommodations, ask that your ex be responsible for providing transportation and pay the cost of counseling/supervision and that you choose the therapist. What are the qualifications of the therapist? MFT, LCSW, PSYCHOLOGIST? If it is a licensed therapist they should be unbiased. this whole arrangement is highly unusual with no history of domestic violence. It is very, very, very important that you learn to speak in a non intimidating manner, while it may seem normal to you it may not be normal to others and domestic/family violence is more than physicial in nature.

Keep us updated.

 

[stealth2]

No contempt charges were filed. According to the Fresno police, where she and the children live, although we share joint legal and physical custody and although they allowed me to file all the 9 reports I filed with them, the original agreement we had dated Dec. 2002 was not specific enough to file contempt charges.

The cops were the wrong people to ask about filing contempt charges - you should have asked your lawyer.

At this point, if the children have been influenced as you claim, then of course counseling with them could be beneficial.

 

[Sandwalk]

I too am sorry to hear this. My husband and you have a very similar situation. He has one son and his ex does and acts exactly like yours does. He is having his lawyer work on it right now. Hopefully this will all work out for you and that someday fathers will have the rights that they deserve!

 

[casa]

If your divorce was in LA county why did you allow the jurisdiciton to be changed to Fresno Co?

Here is a link to information about EC 730 evaluation.
http://search.netscape.com/ns/boomframe.jsp?query=california+codes&page=1&offset=2&result_url=redir?src=websearch&requestId=e0fac066b4055df3&clickedItemRank=1&userQuery=california+codes&clickedItemURN=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.leginfo.ca.gov%2Fcalaw.html&invocationType=-&fromPage=NSBROWSER&ampTest=1&remove_url=http://www.leginfo.ca.gov/calaw.html
Petition the court to have your ex pay the entire cost of the evaluation since she failed to follow the order. Also ask the judge disreguard the mediators decision, mediators are there to bring you together in a decision, not to make an evaluation, these are different jobs. If the judge still rules to follow these reccommodations, ask that your ex be responsible for providing transportation and pay the cost of counseling/supervision and that you choose the therapist. What are the qualifications of the therapist? MFT, LCSW, PSYCHOLOGIST? If it is a licensed therapist they should be unbiased. this whole arrangement is highly unusual with no history of domestic violence. It is very, very, very important that you learn to speak in a non intimidating manner, while it may seem normal to you it may not be normal to others and domestic/family violence is more than physicial in nature.

Keep us updated.

rmet, while I am an advocate for 730 evaluations- You must know that when a judge doesn't order it, but rather one of the parties does, they typically have to bear the cost (which can be anywhere from $5,000-15,000) on avg. That doesn't seem like a reasonable direction to give this man who is worried about paying his attorney as it is.

Also in CA Mediation is to 'try' to get the parents to come to an agreement~ In absence of an agreement, the mediator gives a report with their recommendations to the court. Both parties also get a copy prior to the hearing.

to the OP: Did your attorney file the police reports with the court PRIOR to mediation? Any documents not filed prior to the mediation date cannot be considered by the mediator.

I'm also confused about you saying the charges weren't enough for contempt- Did a judge tell you that? Because anyone other than the judge cannot make that decision.

I'm concerned with how active (or inactive) your attorney may be re; this....Most notably due to the jurisdiction change from LA county as rmet remarked above- how did that happen?

There are spaces missing in here somewhere & I'm not sure where they are.

Try asking the court appoint a GAL or CASA, and ask your attorney to file a request that due to income restrictions the court bear the costs. You need someone speaking to you and the children and the mother, both separately and together.

 

[daddenied]

If your divorce was in LA county why did you allow the jurisdiciton to be changed to Fresno Co?

Here is a link to information about EC 730 evaluation.
http://search.netscape.com/ns/boomframe.jsp?query=california+codes&page=1&offset=2&result_url=redir?src=websearch&requestId=e0fac066b4055df3&clickedItemRank=1&userQuery=california+codes&clickedItemURN=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.leginfo.ca.gov%2Fcalaw.html&invocationType=-&fromPage=NSBROWSER&ampTest=1&remove_url=http://www.leginfo.ca.gov/calaw.html
Keep us updated.

I didn’t…I fought it. 2002-Divorced filed in Riverside County. 2003-She moved the children to Fresno County-we were on good visiting terms, although I struggled to now travel to Fresno to see kids, having to beg, borrow and steal to see them. I was advised to file to modify the original order, but it had not been feasible at the time. Shortly after they moved, although I still worked and still do in Riverside County, I moved to LA County to be closer to school (where I am finishing my Masters Degree) in hopes to find a job in LA (still unsuccessful). 2004-started dating wonderful lady, visits were still okay, but in Mar. 2004 I finally filed for modification-still in Riverside County as I still worked there. Hearing date of May 2004 was given-she replied to my OSC as well as filed for a change of venue, which I fought and lost. She was ordered in May to pay all transfer fees and to do this immediately. In July (60 days after that day) I filed OSC re: contempt and got a 7/29/05 hearing date…not sure what happened, but July 28th she paid transfer fees and got it transferred to Fresno. On Aug. 20th I drove into Fresno to find out why it still had not been transferred and was told that it was just in limbo because $3 was still owed on transfer fees??? I paid it and it was transferred. I filed for OSC: to modify in Fresno and got a hearing date of July 1, 2005. L Boys spent 5 weeks in summer with me a my girlfriend and her 3 nephews-had a great time…never heard from them again until the D.A. stepped in and forced a Dec. 2004 visit. I saw them twice in January then filed police reports from Feb through the present (and a few times from Aug. 2004-Dec. 2004 as well). Hence…why we are in Fresno County

 

[casa]

I didn’t…I fought it. 2002-Divorced filed in Riverside County. 2003-She moved the children to Fresno County-we were on good visiting terms, although I struggled to now travel to Fresno to see kids, having to beg, borrow and steal to see them. I was advised to file to modify the original order, but it had not been feasible at the time. Shortly after they moved, although I still worked and still do in Riverside County, I moved to LA County to be closer to school (where I am finishing my Masters Degree) in hopes to find a job in LA (still unsuccessful). 2004-started dating wonderful lady, visits were still okay, but in Mar. 2004 I finally filed for modification-still in Riverside County as I still worked there. Hearing date of May 2004 was given-she replied to my OSC as well as filed for a change of venue, which I fought and lost. She was ordered in May to pay all transfer fees and to do this immediately. In July (60 days after that day) I filed OSC re: contempt and got a 7/29/05 hearing date…not sure what happened, but July 28th she paid transfer fees and got it transferred to Fresno. On Aug. 20th I drove into Fresno to find out why it still had not been transferred and was told that it was just in limbo because $3 was still owed on transfer fees??? I paid it and it was transferred. I filed for OSC: to modify in Fresno and got a hearing date of July 1, 2005. L Boys spent 5 weeks in summer with me a my girlfriend and her 3 nephews-had a great time…never heard from them again until the D.A. stepped in and forced a Dec. 2004 visit. I saw them twice in January then filed police reports from Feb through the present (and a few times from Aug. 2004-Dec. 2004 as well). Hence…why we are in Fresno County

Ok then since you didn't fight the move, she establised residency in Fresno county. When you tried to file to have it transfered- too much time had passed, she & the children had lived in Fresno county for 2 years by then, and you yourself had also moved out of Riverside county.

You still need to answer the questions: Did you file the police reports with the court prior to mediation? If not, they were not considered by the mediator. Your attorney NEEDS to make sure these police reports are filed with the court prior to your hearing. I mean, NOW (if not already) since your hearing date is so soon.

Have you received a copy of the mediator's report yet? It would be wise to go over it with your attorney, so you can address the points raised by the mediator's recommendation & have a chance to disprove them at the hearing.

 

[daddenied]

Just hard...

I really don't have advice, but I wanted to say Don't give up. As much as it sucks, follow the recommendations and hopefully things will get better. As long as it's for your children, it's worth it.

I go back and forth thinking, "I'm not going to give up" then "I cannot believe that my children would betray me and not call me on my birthday, Christmas Day, Thanksgiving, Fathers Day, I'm so hurt" and back and forth on a daily basis. I used to call them daily and leave messages telling them I love them and miss them and to please call me back, but since orientation and mediation over the last 2 weeks, I have called only once a week and have not called this week. I am hoping that the judge will see how unreasonable it is to require that I pay for all therapy sessions and travel there and back when I live under the poverty level after paying child support. It makes me sad...although today I am on the "I'm not going to give up" attitude I am still worried about not scraping up enough money for my attorney to show up on Friday. Thank you for your kind words.

 

[Rushia]

I go back and forth thinking, "I'm not going to give up" then "I cannot believe that my children would betray me and not call me on my birthday, Christmas Day, Thanksgiving, Fathers Day, I'm so hurt" and back and forth on a daily basis. I used to call them daily and leave messages telling them I love them and miss them and to please call me back, but since orientation and mediation over the last 2 weeks, I have called only once a week and have not called this week. I am hoping that the judge will see how unreasonable it is to require that I pay for all therapy sessions and travel there and back when I live under the poverty level after paying child support. It makes me sad...although today I am on the "I'm not going to give up" attitude I am still worried about not scraping up enough money for my attorney to show up on Friday. Thank you for your kind words.

I think that the other posters advice about the therapy was good. Perhaps the therapist will see what your ex is doing to your children and it will turn to your benefit. Good Luck and if you just need to talk feel free to pm me. Sometimes I can be nice, just don't tell anyone!!

 

[daddenied]

Ok then since you didn't fight the move, she establised residency in Fresno county. When you tried to file to have it transfered- too much time had passed, she & the children had lived in Fresno county for 2 years by then, and you yourself had also moved out of Riverside county.

You still need to answer the questions: Did you file the police reports with the court prior to mediation? If not, they were not considered by the mediator. Your attorney NEEDS to make sure these police reports are filed with the court prior to your hearing. I mean, NOW (if not already) since your hearing date is so soon.

Have you received a copy of the mediator's report yet? It would be wise to go over it with your attorney, so you can address the points raised by the mediator's recommendation & have a chance to disprove them at the hearing.

1. Actually, she moved the children in Mar. 2003-I filed for modification in Mar. 2004 which was a year...but that was probably too late too huh? I tried to explain to the courts that she had moved and not me and I still worked and interned in Riverside County, but the judge would not hear me.

2. I did not file the police reports with the court prior to mediation. I received a bunch of forms to fill out and I was told to add anything to those forms that I wanted the mediator to review prior to mediation. It also stated that my ex-wife had to have a copy of the attachments. Per my attorney, I handed it to her before we walked into mediation and the mediator looked through everything at the beginning of the session to ensure she had only what we had turned in and the attachments included, both parties had. My attorney did not say anything about filing the reports with the courts. The hearing is Friday, so I am probably too late at this point and time.

3. My attorney's office received the copy of the mediator's report yesterday and faxed it to me. I highlighted some of the areas such as "father required to pay for all sessions" and "all sessions must be in Fresno County at least once a week" and "mother will choose therapist" ???...things like that which seemed completely unreasonable. If I can scrounge up the rest of the $1500 needed by tomorrow, my attorney will be there Fri. morning and we will be talking over the phone tomorrow.

Thanks for your response and help.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

It is not too late to file the police reports you can do this one of two ways, you can arrive early and file them with the clerk before your hearing and also file the proof of service for both the mediator and your ex, since they both got them at the mediation, but most likely the judge will not get it in time to review it with the entire file so the judge may have already formed an opinion especially if the mediator failed to note these in the report. You might challenge the report if the mediator failed to acknowledgement the police reports since they were submitted at mediation. This would be the opportunity to ask for EC 730 evaluation with ex to bear the whole cost and also You can petition the courts to appoint a Guardian ad Litem, this person represents your children. Here is the form for the petition.
http://www.courtinfo.ca.gov/programs/equalaccess/guardadlitem.htm Again ask that ex and or county bear the cost as ex's actions created the problem.

Since you want the judge to read these and see that the mediator is possibly biased you want them to get it early, so tomorrow contact a legal service that fax files, your attorney can direct you to one unless they already are authorized to faxfile, there is a charge but at least it will be in the file before the hearing. It is important to make the point that your ex is the one that made the distance and should be responsible for transportation costs and your ex is the one who failed to follow the visitation agreement. Also include the complaints to the DA's office.