Taken advatage of??

[gottasmilemore]

What is the name of your state? Virginia

Hi,
I am a single mom of 3, two girls-5 & 3 yrs and a son 15 months) and this is all so new to me. I have never had any problems with my first daughter's daddy. As a matter of fact we (he, his wife and I) are all friends. I am now going through mediation with my two youngest one's daddy and it was going well until now.

First let me say that I feel it is very important that a daddy be active in a child's life and that i have been trying to find the best possible solution for all involved, especially the kids. I try to work with him as much as possible when it comes to child support and visitation. We have been apart for a little over a year now and have had verbal agreements and also informal written agreements in place.

A while ago he informed me that he was possibly moving to California and I felt that it was needed that we have a legal document stating custody, visitation and support. We have never done this and have now started the mediation process. I am trying to find the easiest and most beneficial solution for all of us (He, me and the kids). I agreed to lots of visitation (supper time on Mondays, extended weekends (every other) and overnight on Wednesdays). I agreed to lesser child support because he is a little behind on bills (regular and child support) at about 117 less that state standard. When we filed the first petition the judge rejected it because he did not agree with the reduced amount of child support. Now we have to go back through mediation.

Their daddy is complaining the he shouldn't have to pay so much and that that he should have more time with the kids. I have always tried to keep an open door for him to come and visit as long as he calls first. I always have let him talk to the kids when he calls (and lost the phone in the bathtub once...lol...because of it =]).

I have a hard time keeping up with bills because I am a single mommy of 3 and he is about 3 1/2 months behind on the support we agreed on prior to mediation which is about 257 less that state standard. I am not looking to make him spend more than he can afford but I also need to be able to afford a home and necessities for the kids. I have tried to work with him through this I know we are both going through tough times financially. I have asked him to help with supplies at daycare (diapers and baby food), which was in our original petition filed, and he has been fine with that but still complains that I am asking too much.

He has not been returning the mediator calls for finish up our petition and I think that he wants to take it all to court. I don't think this is the best for him at all, but he doesn't like to listen to me about it. He thinks I am out to get him now??

I am at the point of seeking a lawyer's help. I know that I need more support that we originally agreed to but am trying to make this "work". What do you think? I don't know what to do and feel like I am being taken advantage of.

Thank you,
Len

 

[Ohiogal]

Where do you work?

 

[gottasmilemore]

at a travel agency..sorry this is so late. i normally don't have time during the day to do my "stuff" lol.
strange question though....why?

 

[Ohiogal]

at a travel agency..sorry this is so late. i normally don't have time during the day to do my "stuff" lol.
strange question though....why?

Because many people who post on here like this don't work and expect to live off of child support. You can NEVER rely on child support to pay your bills.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state? Virginia

Hi,
I am a single mom of 3, two girls-5 & 3 yrs and a son 15 months) and this is all so new to me. I have never had any problems with my first daughter's daddy. As a matter of fact we (he, his wife and I) are all friends. I am now going through mediation with my two youngest one's daddy and it was going well until now.

Is the first daughter's daddy paying child support?

First let me say that I feel it is very important that a daddy be active in a child's life and that i have been trying to find the best possible solution for all involved, especially the kids. I try to work with him as much as possible when it comes to child support and visitation. We have been apart for a little over a year now and have had verbal agreements and also informal written agreements in place.

Why not a court order?

A while ago he informed me that he was possibly moving to California and I felt that it was needed that we have a legal document stating custody, visitation and support.

Okay.

We have never done this and have now started the mediation process. I am trying to find the easiest and most beneficial solution for all of us (He, me and the kids). I agreed to lots of visitation (supper time on Mondays, extended weekends (every other) and overnight on Wednesdays). I agreed to lesser child support because he is a little behind on bills (regular and child support) at about 117 less that state standard. When we filed the first petition the judge rejected it because he did not agree with the reduced amount of child support. Now we have to go back through mediation.

What exactly did the judge say when rejecting it?

Their daddy is complaining the he shouldn't have to pay so much and that that he should have more time with the kids. I have always tried to keep an open door for him to come and visit as long as he calls first. I always have let him talk to the kids when he calls (and lost the phone in the bathtub once...lol...because of it =]).

That is your job as CP so that is good -- facilitating the relationship between the children and the NCP.

I have a hard time keeping up with bills because I am a single mommy of 3 and he is about 3 1/2 months behind on the support we agreed on prior to mediation which is about 257 less that state standard

Then quite frankly you need to downside. You cannot depend on child support to pay the necessary living expenses. And now you are saying the amount if 257 less when two paragraphs ago it was 117 less. Without a court order he quite frankly doesn't have to pay ANYTHING.

I am not looking to make him spend more than he can afford but I also need to be able to afford a home and necessities for the kids. I have tried to work with him through this I know we are both going through tough times financially. I have asked him to help with supplies at daycare (diapers and baby food), which was in our original petition filed, and he has been fine with that but still complains that I am asking too much.

OKay you can't afford your bills when you are getting money from two daddies and yet you expect him to afford his bills when he is paying you and still providing for the children when they are with him? You need to downside and cut things from the budget.

He has not been returning the mediator calls for finish up our petition and I think that he wants to take it all to court. I don't think this is the best for him at all, but he doesn't like to listen to me about it. He thinks I am out to get him now??

Why should ANYONE believe that you are looking out for HIS best interest? You aren't. You are looking out for yours.

I am at the point of seeking a lawyer's help. I know that I need more support that we originally agreed to but am trying to make this "work". What do you think? I don't know what to do and feel like I am being taken advantage of.

I think you need to redo your budget so that you are not relying on child support. It is NEVER a guarantee.

 

[gottasmilemore]

Because many people who post on here like this don't work and expect to live off of child support. You can NEVER rely on child support to pay your bills.

I work full time and try as much as i can not to rely on it. sometimes we all just fall on hard times. So believe me, I am not trying to play the pity card. I work hard and do the best i can.

Is the first daughter's daddy paying child support?

Yes, he does. We don't have a court order either, mostly for the same reasons as below. His wife has a heart condition and they have three children not including our one.

Why not a court order?

I was under the impression that if i went thru the court system that he would be obligated to pay allot more than he could afford and that we couldn't agree on a lower amount that would benefit both of us. When he told me he may move I wanted to make sure everything was "legal" so we wouldn't have any problems traveling with the kids and also him having them for longer periods of time.

When i went to the court to pick up the packet, the first thing i asked was "if we agreed on a lower amount that the state standard can we have that as cs" the clerk said yes so i went ahead with it. She was right but i didn't ask the right question. The Judge also has to agree to the lower support along with us.

What exactly did the judge say when rejecting it?

He said that he accepted the custody and visitation but that he could not agree to the child support. I will have to get the exact wording. the letter is at work and i know that is important. Maybe that will help you and me understand. i can post that monday night. What the mediator said was that he didn't like the fact that it was so much lower and that we tried to calculate in what he could be paying to help out. Like supplies for daycare, extra curricular activities (like field trips), and other medical needs (over the counter meds that insurance wouldn't cover)

That is your job as CP so that is good -- facilitating the relationship between the children and the NCP.

Thank you, Most moms don't think that is important. They are too damn selfish and not thinking of what the kids need the most, their dad and a healthy co-parenting relationship from BOTH parents

Then quite frankly you need to downside. You cannot depend on child support to pay the necessary living expenses. And now you are saying the amount if 257 less when two paragraphs ago it was 117 less. Without a court order he quite frankly doesn't have to pay ANYTHING

ok. here's the breakdown. State standard that the mediator calculated was 517 for the two littlest ones daddy, J., and somewhere around 329 for my oldest ones daddy, R., (or that was the credit we had from calculating for J). so J. and i agreed on 245 (part of the daycare bill) for cp amongst ourselves so that i could get by when we first separated households. That was some time ago and the bills have gone up so we agreed on 400 in mediation. We tried to (recommended by the mediator) add in things that he could be paying to help out that would not be part of the cp payment (listed above) so that the payment would calculate lower and the judge would see that J. is not a deadbeat dad and helps out in other ways (also mediator suggestion). Just an fyi: R. and I have agreed for him to only pay 200.

neither J. or R. are deadbeat dad's and we know that without court order they aren't legally obligated to pay anything. and like i said I am not one of those maniac selfish mom's who only want to bleed the dad's dry and complain when they are a week late or want the kids for a special occasion on the mom's time and stupid crap like that. It is very important to me that EVERYONE be able to live and that EVERYONE have what the need mommy and daddy wise. I hate psycos who say "well i want more, i am entitled to it" when the dads are living in dumps and can barely survive because the mom wants to buy name brand crap and video games for themselves and kids.

OKay you can't afford your bills when you are getting money from two daddies

I can barely afford my bills. It is diapers and winter coats and socks and things that the kids need that i can't afford right now. And, don't even think that I use their money for my benefit. I don't even think about what I need. I just make due with what i already have. let's face it winter sucks for low income families.

and yet you expect him to afford his bills when he is paying you and still providing for the children when they are with him?

I get only what i need and don't ask for anymore from J and R. R has a family to support and J needs to catch up on bills. J only has his little ones for weekend and overnight visits so, yes he pays when he has them. R has my oldest one every other weekend and most of summer break. During the summer R doesn't pay, because it isn't fair if he did.

You need to downside and cut things from the budget.

Trust me, I don't have things i don't absolutely need in my budget. I don't "do" cable or sat; the only thing connected to our one tv is a video player. Most of our videos are gifts or are used and come from the bargain bin. I take my tax refund every year and pay as many bill as far in advance as i can for the year. (btw, J claims one of the kids and R says he doesn't need my oldest one anymore. Before that R and I would switch every other year) I rent out two rooms in my house to afford rent. I take all hand-me-downs i can for the kids and work with the local churches for food banks and also clothing. One church is helping out with Christmas, otherwise it would just be at nanna and grandma's again this year. I only buy what i absolutely need and stretch as much as i can. I work damn hard to do what i can. I try not to gripe because i know that there are other families who have less than we do and are in worse situations. I also try to give back as much as i can. Please don't think that i am trying to toot my horn. i am just saying there are too many people out there living off of the system and not doing all that they can for themselves. I am NOT one of those people.

Why should ANYONE believe that you are looking out for HIS best interest? You aren't. You are looking out for yours.

As you can see from above that I am looking out for him. I could have been a nut, and taken him to court from the get go. We were never married and I could have filed as soon as the kids were born and not even thought twice about what the state standard was. I could have said "hmm, maybe i will GIVE him some time with the kids. when i don't want them". But i don't if you can't tell already, I am very passionate about their daddies being able to be there in all ways for my kids. Unfortunately, J knows how I am and I think that maybe he is counting on me being that way to keep him from paying anymore than i need. even if i need a little more. So, yes i am looking out for me some but not to hurt him. Just NOT to hurt me and the kids. The real question i was asking was am i letting myself be taken advantage by J, by agreeing to the lesser amount in mediation.

He and i have talked since i first posted this and he is going to finish going thru mediation. The mediator wants to leave support up to the judge. Which i still don't know if it is a good idea. Maybe you can suggest something on that.

He, J, said that the reason that he started complaining and also didn't want to call the mediator back was that he felt attacked by the judge about the support. He knew it wasn't me who rejected but he felt very defensive. He isn't a deadbeat dad and he thinks the judge may see him as one.

 

[LdiJ]

I doubt that the judge is viewing him as a deadbeat dad. However, I do think that you have a judge who believes in sticking to the child support guidelines. Which probably means that J is going to be paying 517.00 a month.

 

[dancer]

Why don't you just go to court, accept Judge's child support order (however much that is), and whatever you don't need or feel inclined to give back to Dad after he pays his support you can give back to him.

You are trying to do him a favor and not only does it not sound like he is appreciative of that, but it also sounds like it is only causing you more problems with the Judge.

It's not your fault he owes so much, you did not make up the child support guidelines. So if he wants to get angry and be a jerk about it, he can make the full payment. On the other hand, if he wants to be polite and help out with diapers and unexpected expenses when you need him to, then by all means hand him back a couple hundred dollars of his CS after you get it. If at any time he stops helping with the extras when you need him to, don't be mean about it- just stop giving him back any of his support.

Pretty simple solution if you ask me. Just make sure you give him BACK the money, you don't just let him pay less- unless you really want to screw him over. He could get in trouble later for not paying it all.

 

[gottasmilemore]

Thank you so much, I have posted the rejection letter from the judge and a few questions.

Also is it legal to give him the money back? That may end up being the best solution. I still want to try to have it set at $400 thru mediation but if we can't get that i just want to make sure that he and I won't get in trouble for me giving him money back. We can do it in cash so no paper trail if needed.