The Ex-wife and custodial battles

[hishersandours]

I am a step mom to two children and have three of my own. I am going on six years of marriage to my second husband, which by the way... have not been easy. My husbands ex-wife comes from a family of lawyers and she thinks that she has superlative rights regarding custodial issues. We have been very flexible with child visitation and the mother taking extra time or days that aren't hers or changing things in the parenting plan without consulting with their father first and now she is threatening to take away our visitation because she says it is in the best interest of the children, ie...activities, church, friends, and their other siblings and that my teenage daughter is mean to her teenage daughter (being my step daughter). Keep in mind that both households have additional children involved. I am so confused...needless to say...my husband hates confrontation and because of it...his ex and her husband continue to dictate what we do and if we don't comply they will be forced to take this to reconcillation court. All the children are affected by this behavior and I just can't for the life of me see how they feel that they are doing this for the best interest of the children. Does someone have any ideas or opinions on this?? HELP

 

[stepmommy26]

What state are you from?

 

[hishersandours]

I live in Arizona

 

[hishersandours]

[I live in Arizona

 

[haiku]

you know my skids are younger just reaching the tweens, but already they have scouts and sports, and as it is we only see them once a month. ALL thier activities always seem to fall on his visitation. We jump through alot of hoops traveling to get them to thier activities on time, rearranging schedules, and it will only get worse when OUR child starts having activities too.

My DH's ex, is also controlling and thinks she holds all the cards too. Denies him extra time all the time, and then complains he doesnt take them enough!

I have one word for you-DETACH!

It became alot easier on our lives and our marriage, when we started letting things go. We do the best we can to arrange the schedule the way WE like. If she is not ameniable, fine, we dont see the kids. her and thier loss. But I am not going to stress my marriage and stress my own kid because of thier life, that doesnt stop for me. (but we have to stop for them?) My husband is always available to the kids, and the kids know it, but they also know that we have a life too, and if they decide they are not coming this month, they may miss out on something cool, or not. We don't lose sleep over it any more. It was to hard. let her and her boyfriend sit and spin, why stress out you your husband and the children in your house, which quite frankly are YOUR (and your DH's-as members of HIS household)priority. The children in HER home should be her priority. That way everything balances.

 

[txkowgirl6]

Detaching is a good thing most to the time if you can do it and it doesn't harm the children. I have another suggestion : Make sure you document all those changes in visitation, just keep a journal daily of visits, calls extra money, problems between the kids and how you solved it. All this could be so important down the road and you never know what little piece of informaton can make a big difference.

 

[hishersandours]

we tried staying detached and things got worse

[We have accumulated over six years of frustration and trying different tactic with the custodial mother...she only makes things worse as years go on...one being that she won't even send them with clothes during their visitation...and then proceeds to give the children wrongful information about the circumstances. These children are 10 and 13 now...I being a mom myself and having an ex also...I know what the non-custodial rights are...I have never interferred with my ex's visitation during his active status...which he is "no longer" and I can't say that I always agreed with his parenting skills. It is a good thing in my case with my daughter...but because of my experience...it has not benefited our family to sit on the side lines and feel that I have to constantly look over my shoulder. I continuely listen to lie after lie...and threat after threat. My daughter is mentally anguished over the head games that two adults play with all involved. If I could get my 14 yr old to understand the circumstances...she feels and is told that she is all to blame. Isn't there some rights when a custodial mother interfers with the non-custodial rights and uses her children to defend her behavior. I would tend to believe that any child that loves their mom would defend her and in this case...they have no idea how painful and wrong it is? I used to sit back and let everything just ride...it made things appear easier...they in the long run have demolished our family and taken things way to far and now I feel I have to take a stand...but I don't want to hurt my step children...and I don't want to hurt my custodial children either. Help again!!!

 

[hishersandours]

Arizona

does child support include but not limited to clothing being provided by custodial parent while visiting non-custodial parents residence, the children reside with non-custodial parent during 8 weeks in the summer and in this case, we have always had to buy additional clothes every year for both children. shouldn't the custodial mother be forced by law to send clothes as the non-custodial father is forced by law to pay child support.

 

[haiku]

I do believe, the custodial parent is supposed to send the child with adequate clothing for visits, unless otherwise stated in your divorce decree.

Your kids are getting to an age where whether they admit it or noty, they have to know thier mom is being a "moron". they are reaching an age where they should be packing thier own clothes and should "know" that they need to pack appropriatly for dads house. if they show up with nothing, (as my own skids have often done) I would make do with what they have, making it clear it is thier moms and ultimately thier responsibility to make sure they are clothed (would mom send them to grandmas or aunties house naked? I dont think so!) Constant reminders before they come to make sure they themselves pack appropriately, with a warning that thier will be NO real shopping trips. i would get to know the salvation army and thrift stores!(actually I have a good one and do most of my shopping there) If you pay support, you have done your job! There is NO need to feel guilt! And though i do not believe that children should know anything about personal finances, I do think you can explain to them how the child support works without getting into amounts. (my DH's ex once told the kids she had NO money, we had more, so we gave the oldest a short financial lesson-without money amounts or being mean about mom)

i would highly reccomend in your case,( just as a fellow step mom mind you) modifiying visitation and terms. I truly love my skids, but in my mind I am attached as an auntie would be. I am the mother of one, and she takes priority, my husband is the father of 4, but even he, says his child who lives in his home needs the security of that home, and if my skids were disrupting the life of the one child who lives in our home that much, I wouldnt stand for it any more. I dont want to hurt my skids either, but quite frankly I am not going to protect my skids and hurt my own!

time to take a stand! YOUR house YOUR rules!

 

[hishersandours]

GO STEP MOMS!!! Those who are their childrens mother OK...now I have gotton some feedback and some very good stuff. Keep in mind...I love my husband dearly...he just doesn't know how to go about communicating with the custodial mother...she is starts crying (boohoo) and then my husband gives up, he says that he can't stand the confrontation. Well...that means he puts it back on me...because of my personality...he knows that I will suck it up and take care things...just like I always have. I love my step kids soooooo much and truly want what is best...the auntie theory is something that I never thought about...but really good! As far as the thrift store...that would never happen...the fact is...i am tired of bailing everyone out and watching my own oldest daughter suffer. Believe me!!! My oldest daughter is not peaches and cream...but I love her whole heartedly!!!

Oh...get this one...in one of my husbands attempts to talk with c-mother...she said I do not want they woman (being me, stepmom) interferring with my children. She said I am so so "MEAN...MEAN...MEAN!! (to her...not the children) I couldn't help but laugh...



My husband hates the thought of losing his children...he takes it so personally, when hiccups occur.

Thanks for all the feedback...It's awesome to hear others with some sound advice. THANKS!!

 

[hishersandours]

Detaching is a good thing most to the time if you can do it and it doesn't harm the children. I have another suggestion : Make sure you document all those changes in visitation, just keep a journal daily of visits, calls extra money, problems between the kids and how you solved it. All this could be so important down the road and you never know what little piece of informaton can make a big difference.

i do keep a log of everything...i have been forced to!!! at what point do you say enough is enough? c-mom continues to pretend that everything is ok and then the minute we have our time with the kids....she investigates and savatouges (sa??) everything. she is really good at making the kids feel bad and feel sorry for her and her husband is getting quite good at to.

thanks!!

 

[hishersandours]

I do believe, the custodial parent is supposed to send the child with adequate clothing for visits, unless otherwise stated in your divorce decree.

Your kids are getting to an age where whether they admit it or noty, they have to know thier mom is being a "moron". they are reaching an age where they should be packing thier own clothes and should "know" that they need to pack appropriatly for dads house. if they show up with nothing, (as my own skids have often done) I would make do with what they have, making it clear it is thier moms and ultimately thier responsibility to make sure they are clothed (would mom send them to grandmas or aunties house naked? I dont think so!) Constant reminders before they come to make sure they themselves pack appropriately, with a warning that thier will be NO real shopping trips. i would get to know the salvation army and thrift stores!(actually I have a good one and do most of my shopping there) If you pay support, you have done your job! There is NO need to feel guilt! And though i do not believe that children should know anything about personal finances, I do think you can explain to them how the child support works without getting into amounts. (my DH's ex once told the kids she had NO money, we had more, so we gave the oldest a short financial lesson-without money amounts or being mean about mom)

i would highly reccomend in your case,( just as a fellow step mom mind you) modifiying visitation and terms. I truly love my skids, but in my mind I am attached as an auntie would be. I am the mother of one, and she takes priority, my husband is the father of 4, but even he, says his child who lives in his home needs the security of that home, and if my skids were disrupting the life of the one child who lives in our home that much, I wouldnt stand for it any more. I dont want to hurt my skids either, but quite frankly I am not going to protect my skids and hurt my own!

time to take a stand! YOUR house YOUR rules!

i commend your husband for standing up for himself...some like mine...are such procrastinators...and furthermore...won't confront issues when they occur. i believe alot has to do with guilt...he feels guilty that his kids are somewhat having to choose and that alone makes things very fragile around our house. thanks for your advice...it helps!!! go step mommys