the life of a six year old

[faithnlve]

What is the name of your state? VT Ok, this may not be legal, but it could turn into a problem at school. My six year old is usually a non confrontational child. BUT, lately I have been having issues with him and the teachers at his school. They have been teaching the kids about bullying. NOW, here is my new problem. 1. They teach the children about non violence, but "don't want to hear tattle tailing", 2. The kids who are tattle tailing are complaining about , tommy said this to me, mary won't let me play with the toys, johnny called me a bad name. The kids are taught about boundaries and space of others. My son recently was playing frisbee in the playground and the other kids wouldn't let him play. When my son went to catch the frisbee another child snatched it falling to the ground. My son went and stomped on his arm. (believe me he got in trouble with me on that one). The teacher had him in the planning room for an hour, then he apologized to the child for hurting him. Within a half hour I get another call. My son was washing his hands and dried them on another kids face. (again, I am baffled by his behavior). When my son got home I had a long talk with him about what bullying is, what boundaries are and why. He has lost his computer priviledges and is grounded from playing outside for 2 days, with chores. Here is my problem though. While talking to him explaining when other kids hurt him, or make him upset to walk away, tell a teacher. He said "but mom, they don't want to hear it, its tattle tailing. He said "My teacher keeps telling us "I don't want to hear it." Only when these kids are hit or do the hitting or pushing is there punishment. I want to explain to the teacher my concerns without coming across as a parent giving an excuse for the actions of my own kid. I do not condone or excuse my childs behavior but also see my childs perspective of teachers ignoring the picking. I know of one neighbors child who was being picked on by a bigger kid at the bus stop, and this child finally had enough and kicked the bigger kid. The school suspended him for a day, even though he had been picked on for days by this kid. The schools defense was the picking didn't happen on school grounds, and the kicking was on the bus. Anyways, what I need is some sound advise on how to deal with this with my child. Oh, and his punishment at school is he has to carry the two kids backpacks for them all week. They laugh at him when he is doing this. Just seems like something is not quite right here. thanks for any help on this one. Faith

 

[Perky]

This isn't really a legal issue. It isn't even a school policy issue. If you have problems of this sort in the future, I can direct you to a teachers' forum where you will gets lots of good advice. However, since you've asked here, I will answer!

Faith, I am a kindergarten teacher, so I've seen this EXACT situation many, many, many times. First, let me say that we DO discourage tattling unless someone is being physically hurt. Instead, most teachers spend a lot of time teaching students how to respond to emotional hurts and rude behavior in an appropriate manner. Sometimes that means that you walk away when someone is mean, and play with someone else. That is what your son should have done when the other students wouldn't let him play frisbee.

If you want to talk to the teacher about this, then you should. Perhaps she can provide more insight into your child's behavior at school or the incidents that provoked his actions. She may also suggest a plan to help your child when he feels wronged.

Also, I agree with the teacher's handling of the situation based on what you wrote, with the exception of carrying the backpacks. I would definitely speak with her about that. In my opinion, that punishment only prolongs the situation and perpetuates an image of your son as a troublemaker.

One other suggestion... Why not visit your son's classroom and observe his behavior? Or watch from a distance while the students are at recess? You may get a different perspective on the situation.

Let me share an experience of mine. One of my students was very aggressive from day one. If he wasn't the first in line, he pushed and punched other students. If someone ACCIDENTALLY brushed by him (in his words, pushed him) then he pushed back. If someone else got to the puzzle or book he wanted before he did, he hit, grabbed, pushed in order to get what he wanted.

I spoke with his father about it. His father told me that his son claimed that the other students picked on him, and hit or pushed him first. I explained that I had not observed any of that behavior, and that his son's physical response was inappropriate. His father implied that I was picking on his son, and didn't believe me.

Well, anyway, I worked with the boy to learn appropriate ways to deal with these situations, and by the time conferences rolled around, I was happy to report to his father that the behaviors had improved. Surprisingly, his father stated that he had watched his son at recess one day, and was embarassed by his son's aggressive behavior. Apparently, he had seen his son push 2 other children to the ground without provocation.

I'm not saying that this is the situation with your son, of course; however, if you observe for yourself, you will have a better understanding of what is happening at school.

 

[faithnlve]

HI, and thanks for the response. His teacher did get back with me. She did tell me that the boy was throwing the frisbee keeping it from my son to have a turn. I thanked her, but still had my son write an apology letter to the boy, draw him a picture and told him no matter what, if someone makes you angry, hurts your feelings or is picking on you, "walk away". It is better for you to ignore someone being mean. My son is usually quite shy, and even the teacher was baffled by his behavior. My son also is grounded for 3 days. So, even though he was picked on, the message I am giving him is there is no excuse to put your hands on anyone. Thanks again Faith