Threats From Lawyer

[mom2002]

California.

Briefly, my ex is a loser. Partier, can't hold a job, record of domestic abuse, owes thousands in child support, absentee parent most of our daughter's life. But the court still gave him joint custody.

Anyway, today he picked up our daughter for her first overnighter. I did not pack any clothes for her to wear to school tomorrow. When my ex called to ask why, I told him: you fought for custody and want to take responsibility for her, you can go out and buy her some clothes.

He got mad and called his lawyer. A few minutes later, his lawyer called and threatened to take me back to court and make me pay his attorney fees if I didn't get some clothes to my ex immediately. He said I have a duty as a woman and a mother to make sure my child is properly clothed.

I caved in and gave my ex some clothes.

I am steaming mad. Does the attorney have a right to threaten me like this? I can't afford a lawer and don't know who to turn to.

Need Help and Advice.

Kay

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

My response:

"As a woman" . . . I love it !

You have "joint custody" and you caved in ?

You were right with your initial assessment, and you caved in - - incredible !

The attorney was bullying you, and would never have taken you to court over this silly issue. Can you imagine if he did, and was standing in front of a judge telling the judge that you should have supplied the clothes "because you're a woman" ?

You should have stuck to your guns and told him to "pound sand."

The judge would have thrown him out on his ear over such a silly, stupid, issue.

IAAL

 

[txkowgirl6]

Ok, As a woman and a mother aside. How do you think the child felt being put in the middle and not having clothes for school the next day? Yes, the attorney was an idiot and the father should have just gone out and been your daughter's hero and bought her a pretty new outfit and discussed this with you later. You were being a vindictive ex (my opinion, been there) by doing this and not acting maturely. You have a lot of years and overnights ahead of you, don't make the child feel like a pawn. She loves you both.

 

[mom2002]

Vindictive

Maybe I should have been clearer. I should have said first OFFICIAL overnighter. I have allowed my ex to take our daughter in the past -- without a court order. He has many, many times promised to pick her up and failed to show. On the times he HAS picked her up, he has left her with friends while he goes out partying. Sometimes he just parties with her in the room.

He made it a point to tell the court that he's a changed man and wants to take responsibility for his child. The court bought it.

Yet, when it came time to take responsibility, he a) wasn't prepared to do so; and b) expected me to cover for him. In other words, he hasn't changed a bit.

As for what it does to my daughter, she's young enough that she has no interest in clothes, has no idea what's going on -- really -- and would have been perfectly happy to wear the same clothes again.

I have always encouraged a relationship with her father. I have never bad mouthed him in her presence. I have never argued with him in her presence. She has never known us as a couple -- we split before she was born.

As for the lawyer, frankly, he scared me. I have little money, and just the idea that he might be able to take me back to court did, I guess, exactly what it was intended to do.

I don't think what I did was vindictive at all. If he wants to step up to the plate, he needs to step up to the plate and not use me as a crutch.

And I certainly didn't need to be bullied by an attorney.

K

 

[txkowgirl6]

Sorry, guess I just heard a different tone in your post. I've just been on the other end where the Bio Mom WON'T send clothes so we have to buy some to have them dressed in something but rags and then we send them back and never see them again. I know there are a lot of "I'm a changed person ex's out there too" I didn't mean to sound harsh, I just feel sorry for all those kids caught in the middle. Hopefully yours won't ever have to feel that way. Take care.

 

[lcollins]

You could try what me and my ex did. I got tired of sending clothes, only to have my daughter returned in her older brother's ragged play clothes and no shoes, never to see the clothes I sent again. I made it a point to tell him, he was to provide clothes and he was to bring them the next time he picked her up. He could send one outfit home with her and I would see to it, that is what she wore when he picked her up, and if she came home in a different outfit, I would wash it, and save for the next time he got his visitation. I also made him use his own carseat, and I would make sure mine was unavailable, that way he had no choice but the be responsible for making sure she had everything she needed while she was with him. Vindictive? No. Tired of having to take up the slack of the other parent. I think both parents are equally responsible for the care of the child. Child support is supposed to cover these things? Well, maybe, but I think first you have to actually get it, second, my ex's child support won't cover day care costs for a week, much less housing, food, and utilities. The other parent should be just as responsible for such things as the custodial parent, and sending money, isn't quite the same as being a responsible parent. The system is screwed up, until then, you have to make due with what you've got.

 

[sbaldwin]

Being on the other end, here are my thoughts!
My husband does pay his cs every week, never late. We asked my ss one time what he liked least about his parents being divorced, and he said "having to take a bag of clothes to and from school on our days." We told him he would never have to do that again, and we went out and bought clothes to keep at our house. Well, we noticed that all of the new clothes we had bought for him were no longer at our house, and the clothes we had were torn, too small, and all together falling apart. Conveniently, all of the new clothes had ended up at his mothers house. We again purchased more clothes, but this time we would not send him home in them, but rather something that he had worn from his mother's house on another visit.
We would have NEVER expected him to be perfectly happy wearing the same clothes to school as the day before to spite the ex...how horrible for the child! Once the ex saw that she would not be receiving any new clothes from us, she started to let him dress decent again. She doesn't even purchase his clothes for her house, her grandmother does. She does not even work anymore. Why should she when she can sit at home in her government apartment paying $150 a month, collecting cs from my husband, and have a Lexus sitting in her parkinglot? Needless to say, her priorities are screwed!
Sorry, I kind of turned this into my own little rant, but please, for your child's sake, don't punish her for your ex's irresponsibility by making her wear clothes that you yourself would not dress her in to go somewhere with you.
Good luck to you and your family!

 

[haiku]

I think the posters ex's lawyer is a jerk. But that being said....

IF the poster's ex pays child support, there should be NO reason why she cannot send the child with proper clothing. If she sends the kid to grandma's with clothes, why isn't she sending them to dads? No one said they had to be NICE clothes but at least PROPER. The other side of this coin is the vindictive NCP who ruins clothes... (why cant we all move on people....)

My husband's ex sends his kids in crappy clothes, but I know they have nice, and I also know he contributes to thier upkeep with support, so why on earth should I have to shell out extra for a whole new wadrobe when they are with me! (I agree in the case of car seats and other baby equipment-every house should have thier own) So we make do till they go home, every one knows they dont live with me, so it is not my fault. She really has no reason to do this, as the clothes usually come home cleaner than they came-if they stay long enough to warrant laundry.

This is "small stuff" Sooner or later the kid will figure out she is being used to "pixx" someone off, do you want to be that parent?