tis the season for summer ?s

[terp]

What is the name of your state? md but ncp (father) is 1500 miles away

7 days left of school and I just found out 5 days ago that father is NOT moving back any time soon.

He has put in a request for summer visitation that has me a bit concerned for our 6 year old. He is asking for 5 1/2 weeks straight block , kiddo comes home for 2 weeks only to leave again for a week and then return for the last 2 weeks of summer before school starts.

Of course I want our son to spend time with his dad but 5 1/2 weeks seems a bit long for a little guy who just turned 6 a month ago.

I want to respond to him and offer something reasonable but I feel my emotions / reaction to this request is fogging my judgement. Please help with suggestions.


I would like to offer 2 2-week vacations. Summer is not very long and I have been sure son has spent every vacation during this school year with his dad. I am craving some vacation/down time with him too!!!

I have imagined myself in father's shoes and I think I would be ok with that offer.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you!

PS..we do not have anything in our papers regarding summer vacation. we don't even have a visitation schedule for long distance......What is the name of your state?

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? md but ncp (father) is 1500 miles away

7 days left of school and I just found out 5 days ago that father is NOT moving back any time soon.

He has put in a request for summer visitation that has me a bit concerned for our 6 year old. He is asking for 5 1/2 weeks straight block , kiddo comes home for 2 weeks only to leave again for a week and then return for the last 2 weeks of summer before school starts.

Of course I want our son to spend time with his dad but 5 1/2 weeks seems a bit long for a little guy who just turned 6 a month ago.

I want to respond to him and offer something reasonable but I feel my emotions / reaction to this request is fogging my judgement. Please help with suggestions.


I would like to offer 2 2-week vacations. Summer is not very long and I have been sure son has spent every vacation during this school year with his dad. I am craving some vacation/down time with him too!!!

I have imagined myself in father's shoes and I think I would be ok with that offer.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you!

PS..we do not have anything in our papers regarding summer vacation. we don't even have a visitation schedule for long distance......What is the name of your state?

If your court orders don't address summer vacations, then basically dad only gets what the orders indicate, unless you agree otherwise.

HOWEVER....the standard for summer, for school aged children is a MINIMUM of 1/2 of the summer for the NCP, and most of the time, its more than that if a judge decides. When the distance is that great, its generally all in one shot. However, the NCP wouldn't get all of the other school holidays either.

No matter what you end up doing for this year, it would be wise, and fair, to take things back to court now, to decide these issues for the future.

 

[Ohiogal]

He has put in a request for summer visitation that has me a bit concerned for our 6 year old. He is asking for 5 1/2 weeks straight block , kiddo comes home for 2 weeks only to leave again for a week and then return for the last 2 weeks of summer before school starts.

Of course I want our son to spend time with his dad but 5 1/2 weeks seems a bit long for a little guy who just turned 6 a month ago.

A few things -- If kiddo comes home for 2 weeks to leave for a week and then return for the last two weeks, how much time is dad requesting total? Your explanation is not clear so clarify it. And the child is six. Why is it okay for you to be with him for straight time but not with dad?

 

[terp]

Out of the 12 weeks of summer
father will have 6 1/2
and I will have 5 1/2.

my issue is that he has requested 5 1/2 of those weeks all together.

so our son will be with me one week after school ends to then leave for 5 1/2 weeks.
son will return for 2 weeks so we can go 3000 and see my family (whom we have not seen since last summer as father has had son EVERY school vacation) and then rush back to have him leave for another week and then return for the last 2 weeks to prepare for school.

I never chose to have the long distance situation. Father moved ubruptly and I have been the sole and primary caregiver of son, one by my choice but two, also by father's choice. But then when local, father was never around before due to his work schedule.

I have been sure that son spent every vacation with his father this school year, I was under the impression that father was moving back to the area so we would be back on our court ordered schedule of visitation by the time summer rolled around. I tried to maintain access whenever it was possible. I have not had a single day of down time with son.

I honestly feel our son is NOT mature emotionally to be gone for 5 1/2 weeks straight. He is an emotional mess after 5 days. quick to break into tears and shut himself down in a corner. very bizarre behavior for an outgoing little man like him. No I have not rushed him off to therapy, I talk and hug him thru it every time. and at 6, it can still be expected.

We had spoken about each of us having 2 weeks uninterrupted for summer along with the EOWnd schedule. That is kind of where it was left until a few days ago when I found out that they are staying and not returning. I can pretty much guarentee that if I told him we needed to hash out a long distance plan in court, he would change his story again and say that they had found a house and were moving back in 30 days, then that would fall thru too....errrrrr

I feel I have made every effort to encourage a great relationship between the two of them and in fact, it is better now than it ever was when we were together and he was local. I am feeling rather taken advantage of and want to negotiate something that will be easier on our son, that is all. I do not want to see him struggling with other feeling entering 1st grade this fall. He will have enough to handle just from school. He is a kid, the only thngs he should be worried about are air in his bike tires, boats for tubby time, playdates with friends ,who his teacher going to be and what time recess is at....end of story!!!

 

[terp]

A few things -- If kiddo comes home for 2 weeks to leave for a week and then return for the last two weeks, how much time is dad requesting total? Your explanation is not clear so clarify it. And the child is six. Why is it okay for you to be with him for straight time but not with dad?

The reason it is OK is because that is what the "norm" is for our son. That is what and is the situation/family dynamic his father created when he left and honestly it has never been 5 1/2 weeks without at least a long weekend visit with his dad to break up the time. I have made sure of that for our son's sake.

Like I said, I know my judgement is clouded by this request of his and I am just trying to sort and look at it in all direction, but the moment I actually put it out on the calendar and saw it, I lost a bit of my mind.....I am a bit hurt by the selfishness of the request.

 

[LdiJ]

The reason it is OK is because that is what the "norm" is for our son. That is what and is the situation/family dynamic his father created when he left and honestly it has never been 5 1/2 weeks without at least a long weekend visit with his dad to break up the time. I have made sure of that for our son's sake.

Like I said, I know my judgement is clouded by this request of his and I am just trying to sort and look at it in all direction, but the moment I actually put it out on the calendar and saw it, I lost a bit of my mind.....I am a bit hurt by the selfishness of the request.

What is the actual, court ordered schedule that is in place now? What do your court orders say about summer?

In fact, what is the entire court ordered schedule?

 

[terp]

Visitation is ordered for Every Other Weekend and Alternating Week night.

We were ordered to see a Parenting Coordinator to hash out a holiday and summer schedule. He quit after a few months against the judge's order and I have asked him to resume with a coordinator and even offered that we could try a different person BUT he flat out refused to, said it was a waste of time and money.

I have sole physical and sole legal custody.

 

[Ohiogal]

Visitation is ordered for Every Other Weekend and Alternating Week night.

We were ordered to see a Parenting Coordinator to hash out a holiday and summer schedule. He quit after a few months against the judge's order and I have asked him to resume with a coordinator and even offered that we could try a different person BUT he flat out refused to, said it was a waste of time and money.

I have sole physical and sole legal custody.

Please give us the EXACT wording from the current order regarding visitation time.

 

[terp]

ORDERED that the primary residence of the parties minor child, XXXX, shall be with the Mother, subject to the father's following access:
*Alternating Fridays from the time he picks the child up from his daycare/preschool until the following Monday morning when he returns the child to daycare/preschool;
*On the week when he does not have the weekend, then Thursday overnight, from the time he picks up the child from daycare/preschool until he returns the child to daycare/preschool on Friday.

 

[LdiJ]

ORDERED that the primary residence of the parties minor child, XXXX, shall be with the Mother, subject to the father's following access:
*Alternating Fridays from the time he picks the child up from his daycare/preschool until the following Monday morning when he returns the child to daycare/preschool;
*On the week when he does not have the weekend, then Thursday overnight, from the time he picks up the child from daycare/preschool until he returns the child to daycare/preschool on Friday.

Ok then....then dad has no holiday time and no summer time. Therefore, any time during those periods is completely at your descretion. (other than every other weekend)

I suggest that you tell dad that you do not feel that it is in your child's best interest to be separated from you for 5 1/2 weeks, and that since you voluntarily gave him all of the school holidays during the school year, on the premise that he would be returning to the area, that you are not willing to give him more than half of the summer.

You could suggest alternatives that you feel would be workable. Maybe 2 weeks in June, 2 weeks in July and a week in August (assuming that school restarts in August)....or whatever else you feel is appropriate.

Maybe that will motivate dad to work on a long distance plan.

 

[terp]

Thank you!

 

[Ohiogal]

LD is correct. Also tell him that you have no problems with working out a summer schedule for the future that can be added to the court order if he will go to mediation.

 

[Silverplum]

Nobody asked me, but this IS a public board...

I think it's flat-out NUTS that you don't think that a 6 year old can spend a few weeks away from Mommie.

I also think it's flat-out NUTS that, as Mommie states, the 6 y.o. is all hysterical after only a few days.

My H's sons spent weeks and months with him, away from their M, when they were younger than that.

It's a matter of teaching a child. If you REFUSE, the child won't LEARN.

Parenting issue. That's what this is. It's a parenting style/choice to cripple one's child in order to keep the child needy and baby-like.

Maybe when he's 30, he'll be ready to move on out of the house. Maaaaybe.

Don't think I'm kidding, because I'm not. And don't think I haven't known/worked with about eleventy-nine thousand emotionally crippled adults who can't move away from Mommie. For instance, I know a 44 year old who still lives with Mummy, along with his 46 y.o. brother, and poor old Dad. I also know a 32 y.o. female, has never moved out. Those are just a couple of real-life examples.

Their Mommies LIKE IT that way. Ewwwwwww!!

 

[LdiJ]

Nobody asked me, but this IS a public board...

I think it's flat-out NUTS that you don't think that a 6 year old can spend a few weeks away from Mommie.

I also think it's flat-out NUTS that, as Mommie states, the 6 y.o. is all hysterical after only a few days.

My H's sons spent weeks and months with him, away from their M, when they were younger than that.

It's a matter of teaching a child. If you REFUSE, the child won't LEARN.

Parenting issue. That's what this is. It's a parenting style/choice to cripple one's child in order to keep the child needy and baby-like.

Maybe when he's 30, he'll be ready to move on out of the house. Maaaaybe.

Don't think I'm kidding, because I'm not. And don't think I haven't known/worked with about eleventy-nine thousand emotionally crippled adults who can't move away from Mommie. For instance, I know a 44 year old who still lives with Mummy, along with his 46 y.o. brother, and poor old Dad. I also know a 32 y.o. female, has never moved out. Those are just a couple of real-life examples.

Their Mommies LIKE IT that way. Ewwwwwww!!

Going from a maximum of a week or so, to suddenly 5 1/2 weeks would absolutely be hard on a six year old. There is no harm with breaking it up into smaller increments, particularly if it will make the child more relaxed about it.

You know, people in many European countries think that we Americans are nuts for not sharing homes with extended family also...they think we are horrible wasters of space and money. They don't think that there is anything "emotionally crippling about it, they think its common sense.

 

[Silverplum]

You know, people in many European countries think that we Americans are nuts for not sharing homes with extended family also...they think we are horrible wasters of space and money. They don't think that there is anything "emotionally crippling about it, they think its common sense.

That's why they're Europeans and we're Americans.

I stand by my statement/s nonetheless. You disagree, of course. Fierce Mommies all over will disagree also. I care not.

Proof is in the pudding: children who are raised to be emotional cripples will remain emotionally crippled and unable to fend for themselves. It's an utter failure of parenting.