I think I have gotten off track from the original purpose of this thread. I don't really expect anything to be done with my case. Not without tens of thousands of dollars at least. If I had that, I could have had a real attorney from the start and never had any of this trouble to begin with.
For the most part I have been able to adapt to this life. I need only to stay in my car out at this spot during my curfew hours, and I'm lucky enough to not have been fitted with an ankle monitor. My biggest problem right now is dealing with the court mandated group therapy.
For instance: We were given an assignment to take with us where we must write a letter of forgiveness to the person who abused us as children. I do not have any such person. I was never abused in any way as a child or an adult. I express this to the therapist, and she immediately implies that I'm lying. Then threatens to talk to my PO and have me violated for not cooperating. So now I feel coerced to make up some story of abuse, and I'm not sure how to do that without sounding facetious, or without raising questions that I can't answer.
This is the kind of thing that goes on there routinely.
Most days, I just show up, pay my fee, then sit through an hour of listening to grown men cry and scream about how they were neglected and abused as children, or how they had sex with an animal. I can't relate to the things they're saying, so I become the target of scorn for them.
When I first began back in January, the therapist respected that I denied the charges filed against me, and assured me it would all be resolved once I took my denial polygraph. When the day came, and I took the polygraph, everything changed. It seems to me like she was expecting me to fail. Instead I was found to be truthful, and since then she has become increasingly hostile with me.
This has become extremely difficult to deal with. I have been nothing but transparent and forthcoming about everything with her, expecting her to be a reasonable professional who knows better. Instead, whenever I disagree with her blanket assumptions about who I am and what I've experienced, she loses her temper. She tries to insert her own narrative into everything I say. It's like she can't comprehend that I'm not identical in every way to the rest of her clients. --or that maybe, just maybe, I don't actually belong there.
Last month, I learned from my PO that she reported me as absent from the group on a day I had not been. This worries me, because I do not know who my PO would believe. It's like she's trying to assert her dominance over me- to show me that I am helpless. It certainly feels that way. She is no better than any of her clients. This company, ITM- their whole business model seems to be to prey on people who can't defend themselves. They are taking advantage of these court mandated therapy rules, and from what I can tell being present in this group, is that they really aren't doing anything to help anyone. This is not just a problem for me, but for everyone being put through this system.
I feel so full of dread thinking about the next session. Being stuffed into a small room full strange men. There are no more pandemic restrictions. It's all out the window now. I wonder if I'll have to listen to another rape role play or if they'll spend the entire hour badgering me again, hanging an axe over my head and threatening me with the unthinkable if I don't play along. This is clearly unethical, but I think it is allowed because we are people that no one cares about. We are pariahs and second hand citizens and we're all equally reviled no matter what we did or didn't do.
I worry about what will happen. During the day I was transferred to their other group, the therapist there expressed her desire to just have all of us killed. I used my job as an excuse to transfer back to my old group after that. It feels sick. It feels so wrong. I want to call their main office and say something, but I don't know how they might retaliate or if they'll do anything at all.