Trouble with NC Parent

[FinnSW]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio

I am the mother and sole custodian of two teens since the divorce in 2007. We have a routine parenting plan and when their Dad travels out of state (months at a time) the order states I get all parenting time and he has a week with them when he returns. When he leaves he gives the kids keys to the empty house and tells them they can go when they want and invite friends. I tell him in writing I dont want minor children in an empty house (and older teen has had drinking parties there which Dad knows). I tell kids not to go there and they get very angry with me. And he keeps ignoring me and gives them a key. I took the key this summer from them and that caused anger towards me from the kids. I would like to know what you advise. Additionally when he comes back he gets them a week and instead invites them for a month and then the kids are angry at me for keeping to the court order. After two years of nonstop problems I am stressed. The order has all sorts of language that parents aren't supposed to to undermine each other but he is very invested stirring up anger in the kids towards me whenever he can. Thank you.

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio

I am the mother and sole custodian of two teens since the divorce in 2007. We have a routine parenting plan and when their Dad travels out of state (months at a time) the order states I get all parenting time and he has a week with them when he returns. When he leaves he gives the kids keys to the empty house and tells them they can go when they want and invite friends. I tell him in writing I dont want minor children in an empty house (and older teen has had drinking parties there which Dad knows). I tell kids not to go there and they get very angry with me. And he keeps ignoring me and gives them a key. I took the key this summer from them and that caused anger towards me from the kids. I would like to know what you advise. Additionally when he comes back he gets them a week and instead invites them for a month and then the kids are angry at me for keeping to the court order. After two years of nonstop problems I am stressed. The order has all sorts of language that parents aren't supposed to to undermine each other but he is very invested stirring up anger in the kids towards me whenever he can. Thank you.

How old are the children?

 

[FinnSW]

They are now 13 and 17.

 

[Banned_Princess]

Dog... (I feel so disrespectful calling you that)

Can you please look at this again, I am interested in your opinion.

Not just you.

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio

I am the mother and sole custodian of two teens since the divorce in 2007. We have a routine parenting plan and when their Dad travels out of state (months at a time) the order states I get all parenting time and he has a week with them when he returns. When he leaves he gives the kids keys to the empty house and tells them they can go when they want and invite friends. I tell him in writing I dont want minor children in an empty house (and older teen has had drinking parties there which Dad knows). I tell kids not to go there and they get very angry with me. And he keeps ignoring me and gives them a key. I took the key this summer from them and that caused anger towards me from the kids. I would like to know what you advise. Additionally when he comes back he gets them a week and instead invites them for a month and then the kids are angry at me for keeping to the court order. After two years of nonstop problems I am stressed. The order has all sorts of language that parents aren't supposed to to undermine each other but he is very invested stirring up anger in the kids towards me whenever he can. Thank you.

On the one hand, as their parent you have absolutely every right to dictate where they may and may not go during your parenting time - even with the 17 year old. But the age of the kids might perhaps put things in a somewhat different light. With that in mind - couple of questions you wouldn't mind answering?

How often did older son have those parties? How did you find out? Did you do anything about it? Was anyone harmed? Do you have proof alcohol was involved?

How often have the kids stayed in Dad's empty house when you've told them "no"?

Did you do anything about it?

During his parenting time has Dad gone out for a few hours (for whatever reason) and left the kids by themselves? Is Dad able to say that you do the exact same thing?

 

[Proserpina]

Dog... (I feel so disrespectful calling you that)

Can you please look at this again, I am interested in your opinion.

Not just you.

I've been called a lot worse here

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio

I am the mother and sole custodian of two teens since the divorce in 2007. We have a routine parenting plan and when their Dad travels out of state (months at a time) the order states I get all parenting time and he has a week with them when he returns. When he leaves he gives the kids keys to the empty house and tells them they can go when they want and invite friends. I tell him in writing I dont want minor children in an empty house (and older teen has had drinking parties there which Dad knows). I tell kids not to go there and they get very angry with me. And he keeps ignoring me and gives them a key. I took the key this summer from them and that caused anger towards me from the kids. I would like to know what you advise. Additionally when he comes back he gets them a week and instead invites them for a month and then the kids are angry at me for keeping to the court order. After two years of nonstop problems I am stressed. The order has all sorts of language that parents aren't supposed to to undermine each other but he is very invested stirring up anger in the kids towards me whenever he can. Thank you.

You are honestly doing the right thing and should stick to your guns. Dad is completely ridiculous in giving two teens free rein in his home for months at a time. I can understand them having a key, so that they can get any belongings of theirs that are there, but free rein is a serious mistake on his part.

However, you will only be able to control what the 17 year old does until he turns 18.

 

[FinnSW]

On the one hand, as their parent you have absolutely every right to dictate where they may and may not go during your parenting time - even with the 17 year old. But the age of the kids might perhaps put things in a somewhat different light. With that in mind - couple of questions you wouldn't mind answering?

How often did older son have those parties? How did you find out? Did you do anything about it? Was anyone harmed? Do you have proof alcohol was involved? 1st time was 07 and ex's neighbors told me. Outside garbage was full of bottles. I had son in counseling then and it was discussed. Ex ws 500 miles away and told me he would charge me with trespassing! I was in his yard when the neighbors called and son was in the house with friends

How often have the kids stayed in Dad's empty house when you've told them "no"? I believe son has been multiple times with friends but I didn't know. This summer I took the key and I always put to ex in writing not to do it. I am sure this is a mistake but there were a few times son asked if he could get something from the house and I said "ok" and he would come back in 10 minutes or he would get something for his sister

Did you do anything about it?I just found out about the other incidents and there is a parent witness

During his parenting time has Dad gone out for a few hours (for whatever reason) and left the kids by themselves? Is Dad able to say that you do the exact same thing?

Yes we both probably leave for a few hours. I have never left overnight and kids never has access to an empty house

 

[FinnSW]

Thank you really for taking the time. This last party in the spring a 21 year old was watching the house who was a friend of teen. Ex told the house sitter and his parents that our teen can be there and have as many friends as he wants (That kids mother told me this later she witnessed a drinking party and her son felt he couldn't do anything cause ex said they could be there). And since our teen and this kid were friends I did let son spend the night there on the condition it was just the two of them. So son did lie to me. And In this incident I would blame the house sitter. I just found out about this incident a couple of weeks ago and the kids have been with their Dad so I haven't intervened yet.

So yes older teen is very much at fault but for the last two years I tell him to do something and Dad tells him to do something else. Psychologicaly that is tough and I have had him in counseling off and on. I plan to have a talk with him this weekend. My Mom is in hospice at my home and that makes things more stressful to attend to. So anyway this summer I took the key so there were no incidents at ex'shome.

It was proably a mistake on my part to let older teen go to the house a few times and get something there or for his sister but their Dad would leave and tell them not to take anything to my house they want cause they have a key to go get it. I know divorce is hard enough and to be caught in the middle like that. One time he left to go out of state and left the kids sleeping in the house. I had no idea!! I really didn't know if there was any party or goings on there from summer 07 until this past spring 09 cause I assumed the neighbors would let me know and I would drive by quite a bit and saw all was quiet.

 

[Ohiogal]

Dad is within his rights to give his children keys to his house. He is within his rights to file trespassing against you.

Why arent you able to control your teenage children? Why are they able to have enough freedom to throw alcohol parties? You are the sole custodian and the one that is there but it is dad's fault that the children get to his house (how far away does dad live from your house? How are the children getting to his house when dad is not there?) when he is away from months at a time? It is dad's fault that your children have access to alcohol -- where are they getting the alcohol? Who are their friends?

Have you grounded them? Taken them out of the garden of eden? Are you allowing the 17 year old to drive?

You want to blame dad but quite frankly most of this is on YOU because YOU are the parent that is present. And I know several courts that would lay the blame at YOUR feet.

The children having a key is NOT the problem. The lack of parenting by you is.

 

[FinnSW]

Last fall son had some trouble with alcohol during Dad's parenting time. Son was grounded for a while and curtailed. I took him to counseling right away also. Dad told son (and counselor in front of son) that son has no problem. He has sabotaged many efforts of mine to do counseling. I was shocked to find out about this last party 5 months after the fact cause there were no signs of problems last spring. I never knew either that Dad told son to invite friends to the house when he was away. I always thought son was just taking advantage of the situation and that surprised me that he would use such poor judgement after last fall's incident with alcohol on his watch. He saw the son drunk at the time.

I am surprised it would be considered trespassing to be in his driveway as per court order we are supposed to go to each other's house to pick up the children.

Fair enough that I could have been stricter than I was at that time. But in all honesty it is hard when the other parent actively works to undermine my authority. I am actually the parent more likely to stick to my guns.

 

[FinnSW]

My computer isn't allowing me to type long posts so sorry for a couple of posts in a row. The time line between these incidents is months and son did prove himself to be trustworthy during that time, better grades etc...But for me there needs to be continued strong boundaries in place and when Dad tells son to have free rein it makes it harder for me. Three weeks after son's alcohol episode last fall Dad threw a party for 100 kids for son's birthday at his house. The party was loaded with alcohol and there was poor adult supervision.

 

[FinnSW]

With the parental discord I have tried to do counseling with both kids but Dad tells the kids (and the counselors) there is no problem. I tell the kids we have a court order to follow and he tells them (for the last 2 years) that I am wrong and they can spend as much time as they want with him and I am keeping them from him and inflexible.

I do plan to find out with son this weekend about party some months ago and find out what is going on now that the kids are with me. I wanted to get the facts from this parent first. And yes I can ground him or arrange for an alcohol assessment or whatever is necessary.

 

[FinnSW]

The court order has all these paragraphs about cooperation, not undermining the other parent etc... When it comes to the safety of the kids (i.e. alcohol) I wish there was some legal help to enforce the order and make this easier for the kids to not have this constant back and forth stuff over things already settled with an order. I am sure that if there was a more united front on some things son would not have some of these problems. I know the worst thing for kids is this parental discord and the emotional difficulties that causes.

OhioGal - if I understand you - if harm came to another child by his party during my time - YES I am responsible legally. That is why it makes my job harder when Dad throws incentives his way. In the end it is still my problem and responsibility and that really weighs on me. You see I can forbid things but Dad can allow him to do what he wants during his parenting time. I wish there was something in Family Court with our court order that could curb some of Dad's drive to undermine me on things that really are an issue of child safety and maybe he can fightabout something else if he wants. I understand differences in parenting styles and respect it. But some things are influential on a child if they stand together. I wish there was a united front on alcohol, etc... important safety issues. It could have helped if for example we supported son in counseling and clear rules to curb opportunities.

Again, sorry for all the posts and my computer gliches today. Thanks for reading this.

 

[Proserpina]

Last fall son had some trouble with alcohol during Dad's parenting time. Son was grounded for a while and curtailed. I took him to counseling right away also. Dad told son (and counselor in front of son) that son has no problem. He has sabotaged many efforts of mine to do counseling. I was shocked to find out about this last party 5 months after the fact cause there were no signs of problems last spring. I never knew either that Dad told son to invite friends to the house when he was away. I always thought son was just taking advantage of the situation and that surprised me that he would use such poor judgement after last fall's incident with alcohol on his watch. He saw the son drunk at the time.

I am surprised it would be considered trespassing to be in his driveway as per court order we are supposed to go to each other's house to pick up the children.

Fair enough that I could have been stricter than I was at that time. But in all honesty it is hard when the other parent actively works to undermine my authority. I am actually the parent more likely to stick to my guns.

I understand what you're saying - but I still have one more question.

Dad is away for months at a time - exactly how influential can he possibly be in undermining your authority? The boys are with you for the vast majority of the time - if Dad's not around how much power can he truly have?