Trying to change to 50/50

[Pony1]

What is the name of your state? CA

Hello everyone, I am the NCP and my wife, kids, extended family etc. all have a fantastic close relationship with my son, as do I. Recently, he's been having some panic attacks. He was referred to a psychiatrist. It turns out he may be having some issues since he has 2 younger siblings (one brother, one sister) in each of his households. Since the custody order has been established, I have gotten married and had 2 more kids, who love him, by the way, and vice versa. We bought a house with an extra room for him even though he is only there about 30% of the time, and he loves it. (It sure raises up the house cost, though!) He has mentioned that he thinks 50/50 custody might be easier on him. I'm not sure if he got this idea by going to the psychiatrist, (I'm supposed to meet with the psychiatrist soon.), but it's an option that I think should be explored. He's about to turn 11 in August, and I know they don't put any weight on the child's choice until he is about 12. What are my options at this point? I'm going to talk to the psychiatrist soon and then, perhaps, speak with my attorney. Has anyone out there had success or failure in attempting to make an order changed to a 50/50 order? Any advice on my options? All your help is appreciated. Thank you!

 

[tigger22472]

Coming from someone who deals with a 50/50 situation I have to say that like every other situation it has it's good and bad points. First in order for it to work, the parents need to either A. really get along really well or B. just accept there's little they can do about how the other parent does things on their time when it comes a lot of issues.

Do you live close to each other? Do you both live in the school district? Will there be issues with getting the child to school?

Seeing as you are the one wanting to propose this you are going to have to probably be the one to make the most sacrefices. Also know that in a 50/50 situation unless agreed there are still support obligations most of the time as those are based on income.

Now... for the good parts. The child gets equal time with both parents. The child has a room with a closet full of clothes at both homes so there's nothing to exchange on visits.

Reality is that society doesn't like 50/50 and unless mom agrees with it, it won't happen as even judges aren't too fond of it due to the fact that it's so important to make sure parents can get along and generally in 50/50 there isn't a primary parent.

Also you must consider how you split the 50/50. I know some that split the week right down the middle. To me that is horrible for the children. Some do it one week and one week. IMO that too is a bit too much. In my husband's case it's 2weeks/2weeks and it works great most of the time. Of course there are issues, there always are in divorces and there's a lot of rolling over but in the end the child is well rounded.

If mom agrees to a 50/50 make sure EVERYTHING is addressed because if issues go back to court, a judge won't like it and like in my husband's case push for someone to file for custody.

 

[Pony1]

Thanks for responding

Hi, and thanks for your response.

Yes, we live about 10 minutes from each other. He can walk 2 minutes to school when he's with us. Even if he comes for a week at a time he doesn't bring a suitcase or anything because he has a room, clothes, toys, etc. at both of his homes. Considering that, along with my child's wishes and the psychiatrist's potential recommendation, do you think that would help a judge rule in favor of a 50/50 split?

 

[tigger22472]

To be honest in our experience unless the parents agree to 50/50 it's unlikely a judge will order it. You'd have a better chance to ask for a change of full custody then 50/50. One of the problems is that in 50/50 there generally isn't a 'primary parent' and society (including judges) believe that there should be. When my husband took his ex back to modify their decree to add many things that weren't and to get things clarified. If the judge said it once he said it 10 times (literally) "if you guys can't agree someone needs to file for custody". He would not allow anything put in saying that the parents had to agree on activities before the child was entered in them and said each parent could do as they pleased.

What would help you possibly in getting a 50/50 is to have all those small things hammered out in the beginning but again I'm just not real confident on a judge ordering 50/50 without both parents agreeing.

Are you thinking mom won't agree with this? Could a counselor speak to her about it and convince her?

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Split custody is very common in CA where families live in the same community and can cooporate with each other, it may or may not affect your child support obligation, that is where you may get some protest is if you both petition to increase parenting time to split residential custody and to reduce your child support obligation at the same time. I am having difficulty seeing how panic attacks related to his younger siblings is going to be advantagous in the long run and without an EC 730 evaluation, that the psychiatrist's testimony would be compelling unless is was part of an expensive EC730 evaluation. Does he have younger siblings in his mother's home as well? How are his relationships with his other step parnets, siblings, extended family?

Are you having any trouble with access to medical and school information? How do you currently handle school conferences, open house, special school activities, extra curricular activities, sports, church?

 

[Pony1]

Thanks for your responses. I'm not sure if the birth mother would agree to it. She hates his stepmom and has tried to hinder his continuing relationship with her in many ways. She said, before I even met my current wife, that she wouldn't be able to handle our son having a stepmom. She has falsely accused her of abusing him and that was cleared very easily when the counselor visited our home. It was obvious to the counselor that the accusations were false. Anyway, I don't know if she would want a 50/50 split, but maybe.

Right now, we have joint legal custody and bm has sole physical custody. I wanted to apply for joint physical custody at the very beginning but my attorney, at the time, told me the only way to get joint physical custody was to have a 50/50 split, which I now know is incorrect. I'm just trying to plan ahead in case I need to try and get 50/50 for the future,

To answer your other questions: yes, he has younger siblings at his mother's home as well. He has a little brother and an infant sister. At our house he has the same thing as far as siblings. Bm and I were never married but now we both are. His relationshipswith his siblings, extended family, etc. are great with both of his families. He's very close to all of them. We have access to medical and school information but, most of the time, we have to make an effort to get them. BM doesn't usually voluntarily give all that info. out even though it's in the court order. School conferences: we always hold separate ones and the teachers have been supportive of that. We all go to his sporting events, plays, etc. He never has to bring a suitcase back and forth. As much as BM hates it, he is not a "visitor" with us, it's home for him just as much as his other house is. I think a 50/50 situation would help support that notion that both homes are home and he's not a visitor. I think he'd be more grounded at both homes. Thanks for your help, your further thoughts are appreciated.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Contact the Family Law Facilators Office re petition for 50/50 custody split and mediation that may be less agressive than a court trial, do you still have an attorney?

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? CA

Hello everyone, I am the NCP and my wife, kids, extended family etc. all have a fantastic close relationship with my son, as do I. Recently, he's been having some panic attacks. He was referred to a psychiatrist. It turns out he may be having some issues since he has 2 younger siblings (one brother, one sister) in each of his households. Since the custody order has been established, I have gotten married and had 2 more kids, who love him, by the way, and vice versa. We bought a house with an extra room for him even though he is only there about 30% of the time, and he loves it. (It sure raises up the house cost, though!) He has mentioned that he thinks 50/50 custody might be easier on him. I'm not sure if he got this idea by going to the psychiatrist, (I'm supposed to meet with the psychiatrist soon.), but it's an option that I think should be explored. He's about to turn 11 in August, and I know they don't put any weight on the child's choice until he is about 12. What are my options at this point? I'm going to talk to the psychiatrist soon and then, perhaps, speak with my attorney. Has anyone out there had success or failure in attempting to make an order changed to a 50/50 order? Any advice on my options? All your help is appreciated. Thank you!

You have recieved good advice already, but I will add something. I don't think that you should make any decisions until you have spoken with his psychiatrist.

It may be that 50/50 is best for him. However, in my experience some children can really resent 50/50 when they have siblings in both homes who do not have to switch. It sometimes ends up making them feel like a visitor in both homes. Although that is less likely when the siblings are considerably younger. Therefore I don't think you should attempt that change unless the psychiatrist believes that it would be a good move for your son.

Again...I am not saying that I think it would be bad for your son....just that it can be bad for some kids with your son's situation...and the input of the psychiatrist could be important.

 

[Pony1]

Thanks for your help, everyone. I have a message out to my attorney and I will speak with the psychiatrist. I just want what's best for my son, so whatever helps him the most. I'll let you know how it goes. If you have any more thoughts, let me know. Thanks again!