Trying to grasp issues and find end-point

[dadda11o]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Indiana

Hi, I have several questions. Sorry, the last 10+ years = bad drama. So questions are at top, tried to make it clear as I can, history below asterisks, so if you don't need or want to read it, I tried to keep it "out of the way". I haven't found a lot of info that addresses the complex craziness, but I'm thinking there are mostly just "pertinent issues" and am trying to figure out WHAT they are so I am not wasting time/money discussing non-pertinent stuff. Thank you, I appreciate any information that will help me better understand what I should focus on


If husband has made numerous false allegations about me to the Court over time is there anything I can do about it (or if he continues to)? Or just try to ignore (difficult but doable, though he got psych holds in past during undiagnosed panic attacks). I am hoping to have nothing or at most, very little to do with him after this is done.

We were living together for 4-5 years before remarried. I have contributed financially, housework and childcare, etc., as well as paying for supplies/materials to improve house and land (supposedly in anticipation of selling and moving after daughters went to college). How does cohabitation prior to marriage affect debts/property, etc. or where can I find info?


If he has a place to stay, is welcome and seems "content" and there is no way to really get a usable/enforceable "settlement",would it be feasible to request to remain in house for a period of time to regroup financially (just so I can afford to live/survive) and emotionally without undue hardships and stresses imposed by legal and other fees as well as "drama"? This would be of benefit to our children, as well. In lieu of/as temporary support/ relinquishment of future claims?


His attorney stated in letter he proposes to take "all marital debt". Since we were LEGALLY married 6 months, am I to understand this to be the time frame referred to? And this would pertain ONLY to debts that were incurred that benefited/pertinent to the marriage/family?

Finally, our daughters have gone through a lot of stress for quite some time. This would include just general divorce stuff, but also (over the years) being asked to spy or collect "evidence", being told that I "kidnapped" them (when trying to get a protective order or some help/relief on their behalf), being told by their Grandmother that mommy was going to kill them when younger; more lately, their father tells them I have no "right" to be in HIS house, that I am just after their money, that I am stealing from him. And to be honest, there have been some times when I've expressed frustration or anger about this whole situation and probably could have done it better (or not at all?). Should I just expect them to deal with this stuff as they can when/if they want to? I think they would benefit by being able to sort things out without me, their father or any relatives in the mix. Are provisions for therapy, etc. for their (now adult children's) benefit during settlement something that can be accomplished through Court if not through agreement? There is a protective order against him.


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2nd divorce from only husband. He filed (10/2010) after discovery of affair and moved out (9/2010).

1st divorce final 10/2000; returned to family home 10/2005 (quit claimed to him in grossly inequitable post decree, informal "settlement" $6000 9/2001; whatever). I notified the Court of my address change as required. (Re)Married 4/2010.

When affair discovered/divorce filed, he tried throwing me out; also tried to throw me into panic attacks to scare me out. Got with his EAP and had attorney and therapy consults; went to Court pro se; granted custody of our 17 yo daughter; our 18 yo daughter also living with me. Exclusive use and possession of home until modified or final decree. I told him that I had no problem with him staying here, in fact he did for several weeks when he had a partial foot amputation; just no fighting and agree we would inform the Court. He got angry and has been next door at his mother's (12/2010) since.

My only request was to have some time to pay down some bills and save a bit of money (I am still paying debts from his previous Court actions, etc. as well as shouldering a lot of extra for a while after his heart attack). I suggested we sit down and draw up something, or with a mediator. Angry that I was still in HIS house; told me he was getting his attorney and was going to "wap" me.

17 months later; I have NO money saved, as much or more in debt; received a letter via my attorney from his ...

1. He wants the house and will keep "the indebtedness"; says there is
currently "no equity" d/t market conditions. The house was refinanced
9/2009; he took 15k, 10k for his use and 5k for daughter's braces.

2. He will assume responsibility for ALL "marital debt" prior to date of filing

3. We each retain "respective personal property"

 

[nextwife]

When the house was refinanced were you added to the mortgage indebtedness? The refi was NOT during the marriage, correct?

Marital Debt is indeed debt incurred DURING a marriage.

Do you and he also have your own individual debt?

 

[dadda11o]

The house was refinanced before the actual marriage took place. Our mortgage agent ran our credit at the same time, but financed in his alone as the interest was 1/4% better. Received the information about adding me back at Courthouse, but this never happened.

He added me to the homeowner's policy only.

Most debt and assets are in our individual names. All utilities, except for trash pickup, had stayed in his name. We have (had?) one car jointly titled (paid off), but he "sold" that to our daughter post filing and kept the 2k or so she paid for himself. He added me to family health coverage through work as "domestic partner" a few years back when he became eligible and had named me as beneficiary to term life through it.

Due to his behavior, I am fairly convinced everything has basically been a game to him. It's his divorce and he has yet to present an "equitable" settlement. I am not super savvy, but I'm guessing Indiana does not consider throwing a spouse onto the street with nowhere to go/no assets so other spouse can marry someone else's spouse an "equitable settlement"?


Reading about "equitable settlement" is how I learned his original "settlement proposal" in 1998 would never have held in Court; also that "settlement" we went through before WAS inequitable.

The day he took off (day before affair was DISCOVERED), he sent text with "I love you". Same with birthday present shortly before ... "I hope we get to enjoy this together for years to come" sort of line. Obviously he was playing me then, I don't want to be played (again) or continue a losing battle.

My attorney has allocated debts (informally) to me and said I should be "entitled" to about 25k net settlement based on (approximate) value of house (appraised for refinance). Since he currently has no access to get funds due to screwing up his credit/no known liquid assets, I'm not counting on a "buyout" or settlement in this lifetime.

Guess that was my other thought: if I would be eligible for approximately that amount, I could propose to apply it to say, rent/expenses to get that time and get out of here? Maybe forego a portion as an incentive?

If not, I've been told or read I could "hold" an interest in the house until market values go up and recoup at later time (as spouses who have interest in retirement etc. that are currently market depressed).

Trying to get a sense of what options might exist and use whatever legal leverage I do have to get to an agreement. He will most likely receive a fairly decent inheritance when his mother passes, but I don't want to sit around waiting for "somedays".

Also considered that he might pass on; if anything owed (to me), that would be a claim against his estate? Would it have higher precedence against normal creditor claims (other than mortgage/secured claims)?

Re: children; told that they could file suit regarding some of what's gone on, but have been trying to be proative, not encourage more of same (fighting). We should be getting them launched into adulthood and with good skills; their needs and good sense are (and have been) set aside. Any way to address this to their DIRECT benefit during settlement? Even in terms of continuing health insurance so they can afford therapy if they desire it?

 

[LdiJ]

You have an attorney. Its really your attorney who should be giving you advice. Your situation is a bit too complex for an internet forum.

 

[dadda11o]

Would it help if I just post each "general" question separately and leave out all else?

I have tried to find answers on my own. I want the best settlement I can achieve (obviously), but I would like to be doing something called "living" again and responsibly. This dragging on is having negative impact on our daughters; like to get past that. I don't think even the "best" settlement is going to be anything wonderful, but I gave up way too much previously and don't want to repeat mistake.

I have had to leave or give up very decently paying/benefited career oriented positions because WE HAVE TO LIVE WITHIN 3 MILES OF HIS PARENTS UNTIL THEY ARE BOTH DEAD. This condition was not made clear until well into the 1st marriage, when I was commuting 40 miles to work, wanted to further my education to benefit my skills/career options and our family/standard of living. I suggested moving closer to jobs, etc. Shot down and served with divorce. Start of long nightmare.

His main "settlement offer" to date has been:
"Take your things and go. You have not contributed. You didn't pay mortgage, etc. It's all mine. We were only married 6 months; you're entitled to nothing. Go."

I have noticed that some of you point out things I haven't heard before from the attorneys here, despite going through this more than once and having had (now) 4 different attorneys (3rd one moved out of state, but I'm with same firm) and several consults. I know things are also sometimes based in case-law rather than statute. Or maybe an attorney won't use a certain line of reasoning because they know it won't fly with that judge or some other reason. I'm trying to get a handle on the actual facts, legally speaking.

Even a fairly decent resource (book or site) that I can get a sense of how the complexity (possibly) could affect the case would help me. I would like to use the upcoming meeting productively. I don't talk in short sentences the way a lot of legal people do; I've tried and I edited. And edited again. I'm still subject to high anxiety and have already spent a lot with my attorney asking questions because of his past actions/behavior, current "button pushing" claims and my legal naivete. That has been reassuring, but I'd like to get my questions together before our meeting and if answers from her are negative, have the ability to say, why doesn't (this law, procedure, whatever) apply to the case so I know better what the answers mean. Then get things going with the sense that I'm doing it from at least a basically sound position.

Thank you.

 

[dadda11o]

Sorry, dadda. There are apparently no answers here. Just go reread Swift; law is not based in science, whereas logic certainly is.

"In pleading, they studiously avoid entering into the merits of the
cause; but are loud, violent, and tedious, in dwelling upon all
circumstances which are not to the purpose.

...

Here my master interposing, said, "it was a pity, that creatures
endowed with such prodigious abilities of mind, as these lawyers,
by the description I gave of them, must certainly be, were not
rather encouraged to be instructors of others in wisdom and
knowledge." "
A VOYAGE TO THE COUNTRY OF THE HOUYHNHNMS