Trying to relocate with child - Need Help please

[katie24352]

What is the name of your state? Nevada

Im really hoping someone on this board can lead me the right way.

Last year I got divorced after 2 1/2 years of marriage. We now have a 2 year old child, which I have joint custody but primary care of, and the father has visitation rights a few days a week.

In the last year I met a man who I truly believe is my soul mate, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is a kind and caring person which would be great for not only myself, but for my child as well. I strongly feel it will improve our "quality of life".

The problem however, is that he lives out of state. He is unable to move here, for various legitimate reasons (house, job, family). It is my desire to move there and be with him.

Now I have a serious delema. My ex-husband or father of my first and only child, refuses to allow me to relocate out of state. He has become downright unreasonable and even threatening my life. Also, I am aware of state laws against relocation when 2 people have a child, even after being divorced.

I am completely frustrated by this whole situation. Being that I have a child and was married and divorced to the father, that seems to indicate that I will be "stuck" in Nevada for the rest of my life - or until the child is at least 18.

I have no intention on taking my child away from her father, and would be willing to negotiate some visitation rights. But as indicated, the father is unwilling to settle it between us.

I have talked to attorneys and also looked into filing relocation motions with the court. Attorney fees for proceeding with further actions are incredibly steep.

What I am wondering is... Do I have any chance on earth to move and be with my true love? What things can I do to help achieve this? Are there any "loopholes" in the state laws or statures, or strong defenses to doing so? And lastly, if any one has successfully done this, please let me know.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Katie

 

[Chris_Lampkin]

I don't know you and I don't know your ex, so I can not speak for your situation. For all I know your ex might be a wife beating, drug dealing psychopath.

If, however, the children have both a loving mother and father, perhaps you should think about what is in their best interests, rather than what is in your own. Very few children benefit from being moved away from one of their parents.

As far as a legal standpoint, from what I have gathered you will never get a courts approval to move them out of state to advance your love life. Basically, you would have to prove that by taking them out of state, the child would benefit emotionally, economically or both.

If this is truly your "true" love and he wishes to be with you as much as you seem to want to be with him, he should understand. A house is replaceable, a job is replaceable. However, your children and their happiness can not.

 

[katie24352]

Thank you for replying.

Perhaps in my original post I should have been more specific.

The primary reason for wanting to relocate is not to improve my love life. That is not the whole story.

Fact is, I have lived in Nevada my entire life, and have seen what there is to see, done what there is to do. Quite frankly, the quality of life in this area is very poor.

In moving, I would be able to allow my child to attend a much better school (when she gets of age). Also, there are nieces and nephews of my bf that she would be able to enjoy playing with. His mother runs a day care so we would have a highly suitable "daytime" environment.

If allowed a move, we would most definitely get married, and having a "family" is much better than having a single mother raise a child.

The weather where I am wanting to move is much nicer. It is not 110 degrees in the shades and all sand, much like Nevada is. There are lots of trees, lakes, and outdoor recreation areas...which gives great opportunity to allow my child to experience the outdoors and nature.

Yes, houses can be replaced. But thats not really a big issue. As for me, I do not own a house, the costs of living in where I live makes it difficult for the average person to buy one.

As far as employment goes...his position is steady and stands to make almost $200,000 a year by the end of 2003 if he stays in the same company. Thats not easy to replace. For myself, I would be able to secure a much better position there then I am able to find here in Nevada.

It is all about quality of life. Being happy, not just for me, but for my child, and for us.

I dont mean to get long winded here, but thats my situation.

Katie

 

[stealth2]

You're free to move anywhere you want. But if Dad's not agreeable, and is willing to take custody - you can either stay (and keep custody) or move and let him raise the child.

That may sound harsh, but it's pretty realistic.

 

[katie24352]

The father has not been a decent parent. He takes our child only when convienent for him, and seldom goes out of his way to help with takin care of her.
Many times I have to take the child to him, when it is his duty to pick her up.
I do not feel at all comfortable giving him full custody. It would be in poor interest of the child for sure.

Katie

 

[stealth2]

the point is.....

If you insist on moving, and he contests it - giving him custody may not be up to you. A JUDGE can tell you - stay in NV, or move & give Dad custody.

For all you say that it will benefit the child for you to move, look at it from the judge's POV for a moment... You were married (for a short time), had a baby, got divorced. A year later, you've met your "soulmate" and are ready to up and move to where ever he lives and you guys are going to get married. Does this *really* sound stable to you? The judge is going to be asking himself how long your marriage to *this* guy is likely to last, and if that's worth disrupting your child's relationship with her father for. And I'd bet he says "nope".

 

[kat1963]

Momma is right...and we aren't trying to be rude. That's the way it is, we are at the mercy of the court. Nothing is black and white any longer. You should also know that there is plenty of case law to support the following: You decide to leave, you give him 30 days written notice. He files a TRO (temporary restraining order) against you so that you can't move w/the child until there is a hearing...he has also filed for custody. He wins. You can't change your mind and say, okay I'll stay (in order to retain custody). He wins, he wins custody, you can't change your mind. I'm not saying that this is the way it will happen, but if the lawyer he gets is worth his salt, it could. If you decide to this, you better have a bull dog of legal counsel........and know thats it's also very sad as well. Just ask any kid.
KAT

 

[katie24352]

I understand your replies are in good faith and you are not attempting to be rude.. and I can respect the opinion of others.

I am looking for answers.. not what someone thinks the judge will do. Meaning.. alternatives or things I can do to make everything work.

It was stated:
"A JUDGE can tell you - stay in NV, or move & give Dad custody"

hold up .....lets look at this picture here.

I leave state, child stays with father. Now guess what? Child is without a Mother she can see regularly.

Either way it is the EXACT same scenario.

In no way could the father handle having full custody. He is not the parenting type. He doesnt have time nor the patience.

So if we look at the judge view,.. and you were him/her.... and there was a "choice"... of who the child would be with...who would that be? The mother who takes care of the child each and every day, or the father who frequently cancels opportunities to see the child?

Im irriated by the laws on this. As long as one can guarantee a happy envirnoment for the child, with regular visitations with the other parent (same percentage of time as now) then why the heck would it matter exactly WHERE one parent lives?

Katie

 

[TNBSMommy]

It doesn't matter what you think dad is capable of as far as raising a child. All that matters is if he takes you to court to fight your move, and you can't prove to the judge that it is in the CHILDS best interest to move out of state, he will more than likely give you the ultimatum already listed, you can move and leave the child, or you can stay.
Noone can tell you EXACTLY what a judge will say. No more than someone could tell you if the next policeman who stops you will give you a ticket. Noone here, that I have seen, claims to be psychic.
You can continue to argue about how bad dad is to us, but the fact is, if the judge decides your reasons and/or visitation suggestions aren't a good enough reason, then dad is going to win, and you will be faced with the choice of losing your "soulmate" or your child.
I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to help.
And just for the record. I wouldn't even uproot my children from the town we live in, when my husband and I met, and decided to move in together and get married, he came to ME!!!
Good luck.

 

[stealth2]

It was stated:
"A JUDGE can tell you - stay in NV, or move & give Dad custody"

hold up .....lets look at this picture here.

I leave state, child stays with father. Now guess what? Child is without a Mother she can see regularly.

Either way it is the EXACT same scenario.

In no way could the father handle having full custody. He is not the parenting type. He doesnt have time nor the patience.

So if we look at the judge view,.. and you were him/her.... and there was a "choice"... of who the child would be with...who would that be? The mother who takes care of the child each and every day, or the father who frequently cancels opportunities to see the child?

Im irriated by the laws on this. As long as one can guarantee a happy envirnoment for the child, with regular visitations with the other parent (same percentage of time as now) then why the heck would it matter exactly WHERE one parent lives?

Katie

The difference is that your *choice* to move is what would restrict the father's access to the child, or leave the child with not seeing her mother as frequently. Dad is left out of making that decision - that's why the law permits him to contest your ability to move. Hopefully you have documentation to show the judge that the father does not fully utilize his visitation.

Noone can tell you what a judge will or will not do with any certainty. The reason there are laws like the ones you find irritating is because many (not all by any stretch, but many) mothers move with the intention of pushing the father out of the child's life.

I can tell you with all certainty that not living close to a parent is extremely difficult on a childMy ex and I live 350 miles apart, and it's not easy on the kids (no, it was not my choice to move). Also be aware that your decision to move will likely leave you shouldering the expense of visitation.

 

[kat1963]

Call a physic hotline then. I don’t know of anyone who has a crystal ball that really, really works….not even the lawyer I’m sure you will obtain. I’m sorry if you don’t want to hear the truth, but it’s out there none the less. It's going to be your word against his and lets face it, back when there was conception, you didn't think he was going to be such a horrible father figure for the child either. Will you be able to move based on what you said? MAYBE, IF you have PROOF...does he have criminal actions ect? Oh heck, that's not even a guarantee. I think what everyone is trying to say it this: You are taking a chance, it's sad for the child & good luck to you.
KAT

 

[katie24352]

I have read the replies carefully and appreciate the fact that people offered advice. Afterall, thats what this board is about.

I have one comment that came to mind from the last post.

Why is it that because of me wanting to move that I'm such a horrible person? It sounds like I am being selfish and unethical. It is like the attitude is "Oh my God you are going to tear your child away from their father, how could you be so cruel"

I look at my life here, my childs life here, and in the long term what is best for the both of us.

If it requires additional travel costs in exhange for a better quality of life, then fine - geographics just make it less convenient.

Its a huge world out there, with billions of people, thousands of cities. Nobody stays in the same place anymore.. well except when you are required to by law.

thanks everyone for listening/reading

God Bless

Katie

 

[Jenner]

Its not my buisness but please tell me you didnt meet this guy on the internet .I mean no disrespect but am curious because sadly my sister did this .In the the dead of Michagin winter she boarded AMTRAK to go to her one true love whom she had met in a chat room her two little kids in tow .This guy turned out to be a 64 year old toothless wonder that lived in a trailor with three other guys !It cost us 800.00 dollars to bring her back here once we found out what a mess she was in .I pray Im way off base and I mean no disrespect as I said before .I thank God that my ex wife cant just move when she pleases .Its a scarey world out there.

 

[Chris_Lampkin]

If it requires additional travel costs in exhange for a better quality of life, then fine - geographics just make it less convenient.

A nicer home, more money, new clothes, whatever will never take the place of a parent.

And as a Father who now has his children during the summer months, I can assure you that that there is no comparison between seeing your children every/every other weekend vs seeing them for 8 weeks in the summer. The percentage of days of a year may remain the same, but do you realize how much a child can change in 9 months?