unmarried father wants rights

[tangerinehair]

I am having a baby in a matter of weeks. My boyfriend has been absent almost the entire pregnancy, he has offered no financial, or emotional support to me what-so-ever. He has even made statements to me and others that he even doubts if the baby is his. He has abused me emotionally this entire pregnancy, I have tape recorded these conversations because I have felt in my gut that I should document what has been going on. He has crossed many boundaries, stealing my personal journals and photocopying them and using them to slander me! In March I was telling him to leave my apartment because I caught him going through my purse and, get this, inspecting my underwear! (He accuses me of being unfaithful and this is NOT the case. He still keeps in touch with numerous old girlfriends because he says they are "nice" people. He controls everything around me, it is a highly abusive, sick, relationship. We have been trying therapy, but he is so convinced he will never trust me, when he has no reason not to, that we cannot find any hope. So, in March, he wouldn't leave so I told him I would call for help. I dialed 911. He took the phone, hung up the call and ripped my phone cords out of the walls, he threw my clothes out of my closet all over my apartment, etc. The cops came as he was leaving and I told them the whole horrid story. The city charged him with the 911 hangup,disturbing of the peace, and domestic assault. He begged me to help him get off, so I calmed things down and got the judge to stay his case for one year (to June 2002). Since I helped him get out of this, he has been even more abusive. He has no real legal residence, just a MN drivers license, and lives most of the time in Florida on his sailboat. He demands that he has right to the baby and that he should be allowed to take her to Florida with him. I am afraid he will kidnap her and escape to the islands (he knows how to hide). He seems to have all the traits of a socio-path, so he is completely unreasonable. I am wondering if I should file a restraining order before the baby is born if I make the decision to have him out of my life. I will not give him a paternity test, as I am offended at his denial of the child, yet he tells me now that he really believes the baby is his. Do I have to give him a paternity test, does he have automatic legal rights to the baby? I know he can get legal rights through the courts, what is the limit of the rights, can he take the baby to Florida, away from her home with me? I do not want child support, I think I just want him gone completely because he cannot be trusted. If he seeks legal rights, of course, he would have to pay support, however, he refuses to work. Has not been employed much in his life at all (his parents supported him!). He also has not paid taxes to the IRS for about 15 years, and he has significant investment income! Wouldn't the court consider all of this in a decision? What should be my next move? I am afraid because he crosses any boundary he wants to and is so manipulative and deceptive. He is also terribly convincing, he lies to people all the time and they believe him! Sorry so long.

 

[hisdaddy]

Hi. Sounds like he needs some anger mgmt. Maybe you can take the conversations to court with you during his visitation hearing. As far as I know he has no legal rights to the child until he obtains them through the courts. But do not keep him form seeing the child even if it means supervised visits. Do not EVER let your problems keep the child from it's father unless he is TRULY an absolute threat to the child's well-being. You need to call the courts in your city and ask them exactly what the laws are there and find out whether or not you need to file for sole-custody of your child when it is born. My ex did not have to file and we were never married and she automatically had full custody and I had absolutely no rights until I went to court to get them. It all depends on your state. You may also think abuot getting a free consultation with a lawyer. Good Luck.

 

[tangerinehair]

reply to hisdaddy

The only threat to the child's well being is that he make take the child from me and run away. He has already said that if the baby and I visit to Florida and I won't stay and want to come back to MN that he is keeping the baby. He is full of anger, rage and dark negativity (he thinks the people who died in the twin towers deserved it because they work in financial services --which incidently is what I do). I don't want my baby exposed to his distorted world views! He loves children. However, demands that they see things their way. He has a 21 yr old son who hates him because he was so controlling and angry at the world all the time, he did not like growing up that way. I want him to be the father, and he claims I am the only woman for me, but I have to give up everything else in my life and give him complete control and move to Florida if I want to be with him. He won't even title any of his assets in my name! And, he spent my life savings like it was nothing, always leading me to believe that when my money was gone he would use his. This never came to be. He used my money up and then lived off me while I worked until I made him move out!

 

[buka]

There are a lot of issues here that I won't address, but I can tell you that in MN, you automatically have custody because you were never married. He cannot take your baby without it being kidnapping. Under the circumstances, I wouldn't let him take the baby anywhere alone. You need to get a support and visitation order in place as soon as the child is born. You don't need a lawyer to do this, go to your courthouse and get the papers you need. Based on what you've said, supervised visits seem like the only safe solution. Keep documenting everything.