Update and Question

[Newlydivmomto4]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Kentucky

We have been here for almost 6 months. The kids have settled and did pretty good in school, the oldest doing extremely well to the point of a 3.57 gpa, better than he has ever done in his life. The younger 3 have been visiting their dad this summer and will be home mid July, they are excited about a new sibling that their dad and step-mom have on the way. I have just been offered a great job with huge promotion potential which I am obviously extremely excited about.

My question is about the oldest, as I said above he is doing incredible in school, is actually off all ADHD medications, has started participating in sports and is just happy(Finally)! He has been telling me things that his dad did while I was still married to him. Things I never knew about, had I, things would have ended alot sooner. Am I obligated to report this? For now, child does not visit/communicate with dad, I try to encourage to talk on the phone, child will actually go to bed early to avoid talking to dad. When dad came to pick up other kiddos, child pretended to be asleep, dad didn't even bother to ask about him or go say hi. I have child in counselling, child is a bit too smart for his own good and tells counselor very little only what good things are going on in his life now. Which are a lot, a friend has taken an active interest in his life and has become a positive role model for him. He is doing well, is happy and has set goals for his life. I know I am supposed to foster the relationship w/ dad, but when dad doesn't bother, son has told me about more abuse and child is succeeding do I just let sleeping dogs lie? I don't want to get dad in trouble for the abuse in the past, there would be no point. As long as the child is safe now is what I am thinking. Court order visitation says "as agreed upon by both parties."

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Kentucky

We have been here for almost 6 months. The kids have settled and did pretty good in school, the oldest doing extremely well to the point of a 3.57 gpa, better than he has ever done in his life. The younger 3 have been visiting their dad this summer and will be home mid July, they are excited about a new sibling that their dad and step-mom have on the way. I have just been offered a great job with huge promotion potential which I am obviously extremely excited about.

My question is about the oldest, as I said above he is doing incredible in school, is actually off all ADHD medications, has started participating in sports and is just happy(Finally)! He has been telling me things that his dad did while I was still married to him. Things I never knew about, had I, things would have ended alot sooner. Am I obligated to report this? For now, child does not visit/communicate with dad, I try to encourage to talk on the phone, child will actually go to bed early to avoid talking to dad. When dad came to pick up other kiddos, child pretended to be asleep, dad didn't even bother to ask about him or go say hi. I have child in counselling, child is a bit too smart for his own good and tells counselor very little only what good things are going on in his life now. Which are a lot, a friend has taken an active interest in his life and has become a positive role model for him. He is doing well, is happy and has set goals for his life. I know I am supposed to foster the relationship w/ dad, but when dad doesn't bother, son has told me about more abuse and child is succeeding do I just let sleeping dogs lie? I don't want to get dad in trouble for the abuse in the past, there would be no point. As long as the child is safe now is what I am thinking. Court order visitation says "as agreed upon by both parties."

How long ago was the abuse and what kind of abuse was it?

 

[Newlydivmomto4]

The abuse was physical, striking w/ object. It happened over three years ago.

 

[PQN]

But you are comfortable sending 3 younger children to dad? What makes you think he won't hit them?

 

[Newlydivmomto4]

But you are comfortable sending 3 younger children to dad? What makes you think he won't hit them?

Dad was never violent with the younger 3, oldest has had his issues including ADHD and ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). Dad chose his way to deal with it. Am I completely comfortable? no, but my 2nd oldest would call if there were an issue.

 

[LdiJ]

Dad was never violent with the younger 3, oldest has had his issues including ADHD and ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). Dad chose his way to deal with it. Am I completely comfortable? no, but my 2nd oldest would call if there were an issue.

If your order is "as agreed upon by both parties" and dad isn't even asking that the oldest visit, then I think you are pretty safe in leaving sleeping dogs lie...at least for now.

 

[CJane]

Dad was never violent with the younger 3, oldest has had his issues including ADHD and ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). Dad chose his way to deal with it. Am I completely comfortable? no, but my 2nd oldest would call if there were an issue.

I think you need to think about this -- obviously, you need to figure out what is in the children's best interests, because that's what matters. Right?

So if spending lots and lots of time with their father is in their best interests, great. Continue doing what you're doing. (But look at it as it pertains to YOUR CHILDREN and THEIR FATHER, not the abstract "kids should spend time with Dad")

However, I'd be willing to bet that prior to learning about this abuse from your child, you would have thought that HE would tell you "if there was an issue" too, wouldn't you?

 

[Newlydivmomto4]

I think you need to think about this -- obviously, you need to figure out what is in the children's best interests, because that's what matters. Right?

So if spending lots and lots of time with their father is in their best interests, great. Continue doing what you're doing. (But look at it as it pertains to YOUR CHILDREN and THEIR FATHER, not the abstract "kids should spend time with Dad")

However, I'd be willing to bet that prior to learning about this abuse from your child, you would have thought that HE would tell you "if there was an issue" too, wouldn't you?

You are right, I did think that my son would have told me before. However, hindsight being 20/20 I do believe that my son thought I would side with his dad. I am by no means the perfect parent, I regret every day I let my son be subjected to the abuse. When I finally stepped in, that ended my marriage, so be it, my children's welfare must be my number one priority. Since the divorce, all of my children understand that no matter what their best interest is my first priority. We have actually had quite a few discussions about the fact that no matter what they can tell me anything. As for the kids spending lots of time with their dad, this will probably be the last time they see him til next year other than webcam. Not my doing, life's doing.

 

[CJane]

You are right, I did think that my son would have told me before. However, hindsight being 20/20 I do believe that my son thought I would side with his dad. I am by no means the perfect parent, I regret every day I let my son be subjected to the abuse. When I finally stepped in, that ended my marriage, so be it, my children's welfare must be my number one priority. Since the divorce, all of my children understand that no matter what their best interest is my first priority. We have actually had quite a few discussions about the fact that no matter what they can tell me anything. As for the kids spending lots of time with their dad, this will probably be the last time they see him til next year other than webcam. Not my doing, life's doing.

I was NOT criticizing you. I just know how very easy it is to think "My kids would tell ME!" only to find out that, for 1000000 reasons, they don't.

I just wanted you to think about that statement "My kids would call if there was an issue" -- you can't afford to be that certain.

 

[Newlydivmomto4]

I was NOT criticizing you. I just know how very easy it is to think "My kids would tell ME!" only to find out that, for 1000000 reasons, they don't.

I just wanted you to think about that statement "My kids would call if there was an issue" -- you can't afford to be that certain.

Thank you for your comments, I did not take your remarks as criticism, I appreciate your words because they make me think about my decisions. It was a difficult decision to send my children with their dad knowing the past issues with the oldest. There are underlying issues with their dad that I cannot bring up here that I believe contributed to the abusive attitude towards the oldest. Dad was not always abusive towards the oldest child. Parenting a child with his issues is extremely stressful and their dad did not deal well with it.