Verbal agreements

[newmom]

I know verbal agreements don't stand up real well, but, if there WAS one made does it mean ANYTHING???? My daughter's father and I had an agreement that he would give up parental rights when I get married and allow my future husband to adopt. This agreement was made about the same time that child support was ordered (some time in March 00). He has not seen our daughter since December 6, 1999 (she was a week old). Now he has asked if he could come here and see her for her birthday (take in mind that he hasn't even CALLED to ask how she is or anything since about April or May). He lives about 800 miles away from us and DOES pay support. There is no custody order in effect right now because of the agreement we had that basically he would have no contact with her and then terminate his rights when he could.

SO, now, by the time he sees her she will be a year old, he wants to see her!!!!!!! I am really against this (and basically with no court orders and his name not on the birth certificate) I don't have to let him see her. He has changed his mind about terminating his rights, also. He actually thinks that if she is as young as 5 or 6 when I get married, that she should be able to voice her opinion on if she gets adopted or not. If the pattern continues however, by the time she is 5 or 6, she'll have a perception of her father as this person she see's maybe 6 times a year and always brings her presents and never disciplines her. I would want to be around him too. Who wouldn't!!!!!!!

Now, my question is what should I do???? I know I should get custody settled and the visitation set (set as "reasonable"). With his name not on the BC what do I need to do?? He HAS signed paternity papers, but BC says "fathers name: not given". I have 2 copies of it.

I don't see us ever agreeing on this matter, because in my opinion if he wanted to be a father, he would have been here from the get go. He has offered to have me move where he is (and that is very undesirable to me), but he has never offered to move where WE are to be with her, yet he tries to make ME sound bad for not moving there!! We are talking an interstate thing here, about 10 to 11 hours from one house to the other.

How bad is he going to look in court having not seen his daughter in a year, not calling or writing or anything, appealing his child support 3 times before starting to pay, and now he is trying to modify it again (even though I had the understanding that it was unmodifiable to 3 years regardless of circumstance - which his circumstances have not changed, he just chooses to live in an expensive apartment, have 3 vehicles, etc.) I would gladly relieve him of paying support if I could and if it meant I didn't have to disrupt my child's life as she knows it. If he were close enough to see her regularly, I would not have a problem with him in her life, but he's not going to be a 5 times a year Santa Claus to her. I refuse to have my daughter resent me because I am the only one who has to discipline her and daddy is always showering her with gifts (when he has the time for her).

I really need some advice here. I'm beside myself as to what to do. I don't feel that if he has no other time during the year for her, that I should EVER have to give up ANY holiday for him, or ANY birthdays for him when he wasn't even there when she was born.

I know I haven't written for advice in a long time, and I have tried to help others when I can. PLEASE, I hope someone has advice for me. I don't want to lose my daughter (even a few times a year).

 

[navywife_tx]

I don't know what to really tell you about this b/c the first thing that came into my mind was that you have a lot of hatred for your daughters father. I understand that he "told" you he would sign over his rights and then changed his mind but he has that right. From the time he told you he would do this, he may have thought about it and decided that he wanted to be a father to his child. I know i'm probably not telling you what you want to hear but i'm giving my input. He isn't on the birth certificate but he DOES pay support and he does have proof in paternaty testing that he is the father so now all he has to do is go to court for visitation. He doesn't have to sign over his rights if he doesn't want to. Just b/c he verbally told you he would doesn't mean they will make him either. It's not a legal contract so i don't see how it would hold up in court.Plus, if he's willing to be a part of her life,even if it is every other weekend, then he should be allowed. Let him make the long drive to come see her or pick her up for a visit at his place. It seems like you are just mad b/c he went back on his word and instead of giving up his daughter,and letting her think he just didn't care about her,he has decided to be a father to her. If he wants to be near his child then he should move where you are b/c that is where your life is and he's the one that changed his mind. I would think that b/c there is no legal document saying he has this time or that time, you don't HAVE to let him see her until you have one. Let him take you to court for visitation IF you are sure you just aren't trying to get back at him for changing his mind.Plus, who is to say that he won't discipline her when he sees her. I live 500 miles from my kids and when i see them, i do discipline them.

[This message has been edited by navywife_tx (edited October 05, 2000).]

 

[busman]

If there are no specific visitation words in any legal document then 1) you don't have to "legally" let him see her, and 2) don't allow any unsupervised visits. My guess is he's not going to do the 800 mile thing too often because he seems to want to do this to prove a point. That kind of attitude normally doesn't last long. In the meantime, if it were me, I wouldn't allow any unsupervised anything as he may try all sorts of things to "win" her over.

 

[tildawn]

You cannot let him see her but in the judges eyes he will not like that at all...... This is your childs father what gives you the right to decide for her if he can be the father , you should be happy that he wants to except responsibilty . Alot of fathers out there run from it .He has been paying you support and my guess you two left on bad terms . It is easy saying things that you don't mean when you are upset. If he wants to be the father then let him if you give him a hard time your child will grow up resenting you . No matter what you say or do that is your daughters father . You fight until you are blue in the face it still does not change that fact .

 

[newmom]

First, I do not hate my daughter's father. He has a lot of problems and hasn't been willing to sacrifice anything for her, but I do not hate him. I honestly feel that if he were close, he would be a good father, but he's not!! And he never will be. This is my concern. If he wants to be a FATHER, I don't have any problem with that. I have a problem with thinking I should be generous enough to take HER to HIM. I don't think that is my responsibility. If he REALLY wants to be here for her, he would move to be close to her. A father is not someone who can be there whenever it is convenient for him. The only bitter feelings I have for him is that he lied to me about the way he felt about us the whole time we were together and then didn't care about his child when she was almost born too early to have survived. When he has had chances to see her he hasn't, and then turned it around on me making me look like I was in the wrong.

He is a very unstable person, with many emotional problems. I know many people are wondering why I had a child with him and that's simple, I knew him for a month before I was pregnant!! No time to really KNOW someone.

I do not plan on having unsupervised visits. If he chooses to come here before he has something court ordered, he will have to live with my rules and my house. And, I plan to do everything in my power to make sure even if he does have court ordered visits, they are supervised by me, in my state. She will not travel to stay with him until she absolutely HAS to.

My not wanting him in her life is simply because he hasn't been up to this point and will not be there enough for her to KNOW he's her dad. This will be detrimental to her thinking all her life that he daddy doesn't care about her enough to see her more than a few times a year. She would be happier to know that her "real" dad, let another man take that role in her life so she would have a normal happy family with other immediate family members that love and care about her, instead of just a dad who's there whenever (and none of his family {including his MOTHER} care if she's here or not).

Thank you, however, for your input. I'm thinking of my daughter's well being, not her father's happiness (or mine).

 

[whyme0629]

I completely agree with you newmom. But with the law, i am sure you can try to control when and where he sees your daughter with the courts in mind. There was a time when my ex wouldnt see his daughter on a regular basis (sometimes months in between visits). Of course, eventually they did manage to form a father/daughter bond, and she is 3 yrs old. I took it upon myself to motion the court to force parenting time on him. It worked because he know complains he never sees her as much. So the courts will ask you for a reasonable visiting time. And it doesnt have to be an overnight stay. My daughter didnt have overnight stays until she was two years old. He never lived us after she was born. I am sure the judge can ask you how you and him will be able to share the parenting time until she is older.

 

[newmom]

Thank you for your support - it is very helpful to know there are others in somewhat of the same boat. I keep hearing all these people talk about "father's right", well what about their RESPONSIBILITY????? These fathers come around when they feel like it and use their children as show and tell. I don't have that option. I can't just come around her when I feel like it and forget her when I want to. We are together every day, and as much as I love her and am happy to have her, yeah, there are times that I wish my life wasn't like this. I have been doing this by myself for almost a year and that's the way I think it should be, until of course, I find that wonderful man who loves me AND my daughter.

I just can't see how my daughter's father feels he will form a bond with her living 700 miles away from her. You can't make the drive every other weekend for JUST a weekend. That would give him an hour or so with her and then back on the road again. Besides, he works every Saturday. I just don't see how it is going to work. I don't want to force time on him, however, I don't agree with scheduled visits that I have to adhere to, but he doesn't. I guess you can't have your cake and eat it too. The system just doesn't make sense. I will be forced to let my daughter go with him, but he doesn't HAVE to show up. I don't get it. Anyway, he says he can't even afford groceries so I can't imagine he will be making many trips here to see her anyway.

But, thanks again for the input.

 

[OH NOOOOOOOOOO]

Another long thread between tildawn and txblu and navy wife. when will nyslob answer? See how long this one gets? newmom get out before you drown in stupidity!!!!!!!!!

 

[TxBlu]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OH NOOOOOOOOOO:
Another long thread between tildawn and txblu and navy wife. when will nyslob answer? See how long this one gets? newmom get out before you drown in stupidity!!!!!!!!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Umm if youlook back thru the postings you will find this is the first and only posting I have made to this thread and it is to defend myself. I have not said a word here in this one...