Visitation emergency

[CallMeMomAndDad]

First, let me apologize for the lengthiness of this post.....

I live in Va. My custody/visitation agreement was ordered/signed/filed in NC in 1997 when my daughter was 7 1/2. She just turned 16. The problem is visitation. Her dad still lives in NC. His visitation from the original order provides liberal visitations - one wknd a mth from either Fri to Sun or Mon depending on if school has a holiday, teacher workday etc. Every spring break, 4 wks in the summer and Fathers day wknd, alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas' by odd/even yr (one yr he has Thxgiv and I have Xmas, the next yr vice versa) PLUS additional visitation that is mutually agreed upon. In almost 9 yrs he has come to Va to take her for one of the wknd visits once, possibly twice. In addition to the set visitation of spring break and holidays up until she was 10 or 11 I was giving him 5 or 6 wks in the summer instead of 4 because my daughter wanted to spend extra time there even though she was missing out on different camps and things she wanted to participate in here in VA. The past 3 spring breaks, she has not gone to NC b/c she had athletic activities and school projects that she really needed to remain in Va for, after her dad played the guilt card, he reluctantly agreed and made her feel like she was a bad daughter for "choosing other interests and school related activities over seeing me[her dad]". The past 2 summers she hasn't gone for the full 4 wks (its been between 2 and 3wks) to visit because of summer camps for her athletic training that she wanted to participate in, however she was still visiting at the stated holiday times, and not adjusting those at all even though as she got older she wanted to be here in Va with her friends on school breaks. Herein lies the issues. As I stated, she JUST turned 16, and has been applying for jobs hoping to be hired for the summer. Her dad's response was 'you better work your summer job around when you come here to visit me' (what employer can let a kid miss 4 wks out of the summer without deciding to hire another kid intsead who can actually be at work? Next is the athletic conditioning which begins the Monday after school is out for summer, and finishes one wk prior to team tryouts in AUG. She made this sports team 2 yrs ago, however did not make it last yr. This yr there is a new coach and he is implementing the conditioning/skills training program over the summer for the girls who want to try out in Aug and will be working on specific exercises for this sport ONLY and said at the meeting that girls who don't attend all summer will start off tryouts at a disadvantage to say the least. Her dad's response-'you can work out and exercise here for 4 wks and go to that other stuff when you get home' - which would leave all of 2 wks before the camp ends for her to work with the coach. This was after my daughter told him she couldn't come for 4 wks but wanted to only come for one week instead so that she could attend the camp. He also told her "it's always something and i'm tired of giving up my time all the time. Are you telling me you'd rather do volleyball stuff instead of see me?" Then he told her it wasn't happening, and proceded to discipline her in a stern voice on the phone when she wouldn't respond to his 'goodbye, I love you' with an I love you back.

Dilema- what can I do short of getting my order changed which he will fight tooth and nail anyway? He gets Fathers Day and that wknd is coming up (school ends the Fri prior to Fathers day), and she's willing to go, but wants to come home the following wk. I'm worried he won't return her the next wk and will try to make that her 4 wk stay even though he has never discussed it with me. She is an A student involved in sports, volunteering, and now wants to get a job, and her dad only wants her to be involved in stuff outside of school when it doesn't affect his visitation, and always expects her to basically drop her life and come to NC for a month every summer when he has never come here to Va to be involved in anything in her life, he's come to ONE school awards ceremony when she was in 5th grade and that was b/c it was the day before Thxgiv and he was coming to pick her up for the holiday so he went to the school, saw the awards, and took her out of school early to leave for NC. SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP....WHAT CAN I DO LEGALLY BEFORE FATHERS DAY IF ANYTHING, AND WHAT ARE THE ODDS I'LL GET VISITATION CHANGED AFTER THAT? ( I think I have a good case b/c he has never taken advantage of addt'l visitation anyway). THANKS!

 

[Silverplum]

First, let me apologize for the lengthiness of this post.....

I live in Va. My custody/visitation agreement was ordered/signed/filed in NC in 1997 when my daughter was 7 1/2. She just turned 16. The problem is visitation. Her dad still lives in NC. His visitation from the original order provides liberal visitations - one wknd a mth from either Fri to Sun or Mon depending on if school has a holiday, teacher workday etc. Every spring break, 4 wks in the summer and Fathers day wknd, alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas' by odd/even yr (one yr he has Thxgiv and I have Xmas, the next yr vice versa) PLUS additional visitation that is mutually agreed upon. In almost 9 yrs he has come to Va to take her for one of the wknd visits once, possibly twice. In addition to the set visitation of spring break and holidays up until she was 10 or 11 I was giving him 5 or 6 wks in the summer instead of 4 because my daughter wanted to spend extra time there even though she was missing out on different camps and things she wanted to participate in here in VA. The past 3 spring breaks, she has not gone to NC b/c she had athletic activities and school projects that she really needed to remain in Va for, after her dad played the guilt card, he reluctantly agreed and made her feel like she was a bad daughter for "choosing other interests and school related activities over seeing me[her dad]". The past 2 summers she hasn't gone for the full 4 wks (its been between 2 and 3wks) to visit because of summer camps for her athletic training that she wanted to participate in, however she was still visiting at the stated holiday times, and not adjusting those at all even though as she got older she wanted to be here in Va with her friends on school breaks. Herein lies the issues. As I stated, she JUST turned 16, and has been applying for jobs hoping to be hired for the summer. Her dad's response was 'you better work your summer job around when you come here to visit me' (what employer can let a kid miss 4 wks out of the summer without deciding to hire another kid intsead who can actually be at work? Next is the athletic conditioning which begins the Monday after school is out for summer, and finishes one wk prior to team tryouts in AUG. She made this sports team 2 yrs ago, however did not make it last yr. This yr there is a new coach and he is implementing the conditioning/skills training program over the summer for the girls who want to try out in Aug and will be working on specific exercises for this sport ONLY and said at the meeting that girls who don't attend all summer will start off tryouts at a disadvantage to say the least. Her dad's response-'you can work out and exercise here for 4 wks and go to that other stuff when you get home' - which would leave all of 2 wks before the camp ends for her to work with the coach. This was after my daughter told him she couldn't come for 4 wks but wanted to only come for one week instead so that she could attend the camp. He also told her "it's always something and i'm tired of giving up my time all the time. Are you telling me you'd rather do volleyball stuff instead of see me?" Then he told her it wasn't happening, and proceded to discipline her in a stern voice on the phone when she wouldn't respond to his 'goodbye, I love you' with an I love you back.

Dilema- what can I do short of getting my order changed which he will fight tooth and nail anyway? He gets Fathers Day and that wknd is coming up (school ends the Fri prior to Fathers day), and she's willing to go, but wants to come home the following wk. I'm worried he won't return her the next wk and will try to make that her 4 wk stay even though he has never discussed it with me. She is an A student involved in sports, volunteering, and now wants to get a job, and her dad only wants her to be involved in stuff outside of school when it doesn't affect his visitation, and always expects her to basically drop her life and come to NC for a month every summer when he has never come here to Va to be involved in anything in her life, he's come to ONE school awards ceremony when she was in 5th grade and that was b/c it was the day before Thxgiv and he was coming to pick her up for the holiday so he went to the school, saw the awards, and took her out of school early to leave for NC. SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP....WHAT CAN I DO LEGALLY BEFORE FATHERS DAY IF ANYTHING, AND WHAT ARE THE ODDS I'LL GET VISITATION CHANGED AFTER THAT? ( I think I have a good case b/c he has never taken advantage of addt'l visitation anyway). THANKS!

Nothing you can do, legally. It's his visitation. He can use it or not. But if it's in the court order and he wants to use it, you are required to send the child. Period.

You may have a chance of reducing his time, and you may not.

 

[stealth2]

The likelihood of getting anything done in a week is pretty darned slim.

I'd suggest, instead, that you and your daughter get creative in how to provide time for Dad. While I certainly understand her desire to live her own life, it's not unreasonable for Dad to want time with her, too.

 

[CallMeMomAndDad]

I agree-it's not unreasonable for her dad to want to spend time with her b/c afterall she's his daughter too, and I really understand b/c I know how I'd feel if I was the one not getting to see her everyday. But it really irks me that he expects her to drop everything that she's trying to do and everything that's important to her to work around his schedule to come and visit a mth every summer when he can't find it in his schedule to come pick her up to go to NC or visit her here for even one wknd (as the visitation allows for once a mth) even though he lived here for 33yrs of his life, is no stranger to the area and has a sister here who would put him and his wife and kids up for free...and then tops it off by telling my daughter that she really needs to come and see her sister's (1/2 sister) last T-ball game b/c its the right thing to do...this comes from a man who also has literally driven by the off ramp (and a 5 mile drive off the exit) on his way to Atlantic City, and still has never come to visit her or pick her up outside of holidays or summers. Would any of this make a difference in requesting a change and having the REQUIRED visitation lessened?

 

[acmb05]

First of all you should never allow her to sign up for anything that requires she have to miss dad's visitation with his child. I realize that she is a teenager and wants to do these things but when you moved to another state and it limited dad's time with the child, the little time he does have should not be infringed on.

What if this were the other way around anad dad had custody would you feel the same way if it was your visitation time being taken away?

I think both you and daughter are being selfish in expecting dad to give up what little time he has.

If he would have known back then that this would be happening he may have faught for you to have to stay in NC.

Anyway very little you can do at this point except go back to NC and file to have the order changed, which you will not be able to do in such a short time.

 

[stealth2]

Not likely.

 

[Silverplum]

BTW, an "emergency" is something, ya know, "urgent." Life-or-death type issues. Not whether a teenager wants to do something or not.

 

[ILOVEMYGSM3]

ya'll realize something

for so many years this girl's life is uprooted...all the time...if this girl is seriously athletic, like a gungho marine can be, then she's doing these activities to help her gain recognition in colleges, scholarships, etc...she's trying to work so she can have responsibility, and a cash flow...it seems like dad doesnt care about her future, just that what he says goes...my advice is she's going to have to go, b/c it's already set in order, but maybe you can petition for your daughter's voice to be heard? and before anyone can say anything; if sports and college is her career path, then she's missing the chances to do this, b/c of this schedule...so it's actually affecting her life in a negative way, to an extent...

can your daughter drive herself there? yes its a roadtrip, but it's been done...

something else for all to consider: not every 16 or 17 y/o is young and dumb...if she's got a straight head, she knows that her visitation isnt affecting her menatlly, just socially...if thats the way to put it? and if the camp is sports related through the SCHOOL DISTRICT, then can't it be said he's affecting her school activities?

 

[Silverplum]

for so many years this girl's life is uprooted...all the time...if this girl is seriously athletic, like a gungho marine can be, then she's doing these activities to help her gain recognition in colleges, scholarships, etc...she's trying to work so she can have responsibility, and a cash flow...it seems like dad doesnt care about her future, just that what he says goes...my advice is she's going to have to go, b/c it's already set in order, but maybe you can petition for your daughter's voice to be heard? and before anyone can say anything; if sports and college is her career path, then she's missing the chances to do this, b/c of this schedule...so it's actually affecting her life in a negative way, to an extent...

can your daughter drive herself there? yes its a roadtrip, but it's been done...

something else for all to consider: not every 16 or 17 y/o is young and dumb...if she's got a straight head, she knows that her visitation isnt affecting her menatlly, just socially...if thats the way to put it? and if the camp is sports related through the SCHOOL DISTRICT, then can't it be said he's affecting her school activities?

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!! Stop answering questions just because you are bored. Pay attention to your own thread.

Gah! You are in the ASKING QUESTIONS phase of your membership at FA. NOT the ANSWERING questions phase. You know not of what you type.

 

[stealth2]

if this girl is seriously athletic, like a gungho marine can be, then she's doing these activities to help her gain recognition in colleges, scholarships, etc...

However (and I'm not trying to be mean to the girl or her Mom), if she didn't make the team last year, it's entirely likely that she isn't *that* good. As in scholarship/pro good.

 

[stealth2]

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!! Stop answering questions just because you are bored. Pay attention to your own thread.

Gah! You are in the ASKING QUESTIONS phase of your membership at FA. NOT the ANSWERING questions phase. You know not of what you type.

What also confuses things is that it's impossible to know which of the two people using this handle is replying.

 

[CJane]

However (and I'm not trying to be mean to the girl or her Mom), if she didn't make the team last year, it's entirely likely that she isn't *that* good. As in scholarship/pro good.

This is what I was thinking. It can't be ALL dad's fault that the child didn't make the team. And, the camp that mom wants her to go to isn't mandatory prior to try-outs, dad makes a very valid argument that the daughter COULD practice/work out at his house. She could also seek employment at his house.

 

[LdiJ]

This is what I was thinking. It can't be ALL dad's fault that the child didn't make the team. And, the camp that mom wants her to go to isn't mandatory prior to try-outs, dad makes a very valid argument that the daughter COULD practice/work out at his house. She could also seek employment at his house.

Well...she really couldn't easily seek employment at dad's...she is only there for 4 weeks...the odds of finding an employer that is willing to hire someone for 4 weeks is pretty slim.

 

[stealth2]

However, it WOULD be possible for her to do as she's done in prior years and stay longer than the four weeks.

 

[CJane]

Well...she really couldn't easily seek employment at dad's...she is only there for 4 weeks...the odds of finding an employer that is willing to hire someone for 4 weeks is pretty slim.

I dunno... if daughter is really that athletic and so very into volunteer work I was thinking along the lines of a day camp counselor, child care at the Y, babysitting, things along those lines. All of which would be short term, give back to the community, and provide a pay check.

Honestly, I think mom is NOT likely at all to get the visitation even further restricted, nor is she presenting valid arguments for allowing the child to tell dad she's not visiting.