visitation

[mehr]

What is the name of your state? Illinois

I was never married to my baby's father, and he lives in Minnesota and is in college. So it is about a 8 1/2 hour drive to visit. Thus, he has only seen our son 5 times and he is 14 months old. The father seems happy enough with this arrangement for now, he can visit when he wants and the baby does not affect his every day life. I am worried about the future. Someday as he gets older and realizes the importance of being a father he may want more regular visitation. My baby now has a "father figure" in my current husband and my son calls him "daddy" and while I think it is good if his other daddy visits, I want to protect my son from having a visitation that is every other full weekend plus every other holiday or something like that. I grew up with visitation and it was terrible, and I want us to come to an agreement on how much visitation is appropriate and put it in writing so I don't get slammed later.

Do I need to go to a lawyer to get a visitation agreement written up? Or is ther esomeone at the state level that can do that? If we agree on something.... for example... one weekend per month plus 4 weeks during the summer, and he chooses to NOT see the child during that time, do I have to make him visit him? For right now, as I said, he is happy not being overly involved. But someday he may want to be, so i would want to write the agreement to prepare for the future.... but then if our agreement says 4 weeks during the summer and the father chooses to not use those weeks, will I get in trouble? Would I need to keep something in writing proving that I didn't keep him from our son?

 

[CJane]

other daddy visits, I want to protect my son from having a visitation that is every other full weekend plus every other holiday or something like that.

Other daddy? Nice.

Good luck with protecting your child from what most states (Illinois included) tend to follow when the parents can't agree to one on their own. That schedule is every other weekend, 4-6 weeks in the summer, and alternating holidays.

You could work with dad to come up with something else, but he'd be a dumba$$ to agree to anything less than standard.

 

[stealth2]

He doesn't have to use the ordered time, but you're not allowed to deny it to him should he want to. Also - an order can be modified, so whatever you come up with now "for the future" is not cast in stone.

The long and the short of it is, however, that this guy IS Dad. Not your husband. If you didn't want to get into a situation where you'd be sending your child somewhere on a regular basis, you really should have considered that before you got pregnant. That at least would have lessened the odds.

 

[mehr]

Wow, okay, you can be a real jerk if you want, but you didn't answer the question ..... I'll assume you don't know. The question is,

when we have an agreement for a certain amount of visitation, and he chooses to not visit, will I get in trouble?

For the last couple months I have been telling him he should visit, and he doesn't want to because he's having a good time with his social life. We have discussed in the past what we want our visitation agreement to be, and if we want to agree to less, its certainly none of your business to say he is dumb. I actually think he is smarter, because we are deciding that we want to do what is best for our son rather than fighting to the bitter end to divide our son between us like many parents.... I think that's a dumba$$ thing to do.... So lets stick to the main question rather than your mediocre lame opinions

 

[stealth2]

Which part of "He doesn't have to use the ordered time" wasn't too clear?

 

[mehr]

He doesn't have to use the ordered time, but you're not allowed to deny it to him should he want to. Also - an order can be modified, so whatever you come up with now "for the future" is not cast in stone.

The long and the short of it is, however, that this guy IS Dad. Not your husband. If you didn't want to get into a situation where you'd be sending your child somewhere on a regular basis, you really should have considered that before you got pregnant. That at least would have lessened the odds.

Okay thanks, I did not realize they were regularly modified. This is useful information.

As for the rest, LOL, its not like I planned on the pregnancy, I just took responsibility for it.... my ex would rather enjoy his social life .... what can I do? I cannot force him to change. If he does not want to see our son and be a father, I am simply glad that my son has a male in his life. My husband is a more stable guy, so it works out. Again.... if I wanted advice that wasn't about legal information.... I would have called Dr. Phil .... hehe..... I'm here just for the legal issues, as for the relational issues, you leave that to me.

 

[mehr]

Which part of "He doesn't have to use the ordered time" wasn't too clear?

I was responding to the first person, not you, I should have quoted... you hadn't responded yet.... sorry for the confusion

 

[stealth2]

I'm here just for the legal issues, as for the relational issues, you leave that to me.

Legally, your husband is not the child's Daddy. Some judges take a very dim view of parents allowing small children to call stepparents Mommy or Daddy.

And again, Dad will be able to modify visitation in the future regardless what you come up with now. (And actually, I had responded before you replied to CJane.)

 

[mehr]

Legally, your husband is not the child's Daddy. Some judges take a very dim view of parents allowing small children to call stepparents Mommy or Daddy.

And again, Dad will be able to modify visitation in the future regardless what you come up with now. (And actually, I had responded before you replied to CJane.)

I was typing when you posted, ya know? I understand that you have negative feelings towards me allowing my son to call my husband daddy, but he is only 14 months old and I will not deny him the right to call him that. If the judge has a problem with that, I'll tackle it then, thanks for the warning. My husband is the one changing the diapers and feeding the food, and that makes him a daddy in my book!

 

[AWILCZ]

STATE__IL---"alternating holidays"....that means major holidays or school holidays???...asking for personal reference...major holidays like xmas, easter, turkey day, etc??.....i need to know what alternating holidays means

 

[stealth2]

STATE__IL---"alternating holidays"....that means major holidays or school holidays???...asking for personal reference...major holidays like xmas, easter, turkey day, etc??.....i need to know what alternating holidays means

You may want to start your own thread.

 

[nextwife]

My husband is the one changing the diapers and feeding the food, and that makes him a daddy in my book!

I guess that makes the caregiver in my daughter's orphanage who diapered and fed her "daddy".

 

[MrsK]

Like everyone else said...

If he is allowed time, and doesnt take it, you are not in trouble. However, if he wants his time and you dont let him have it, youre in hot water.

And, any agreement ya'll have now can change at any time he petitions for it to be changed.

Every other weekend isnt even that "standard" everywhere, sometimes its even more time. My ex was given 2 days a week, and so was my husband for his daughter. Other people we know who have children with ex's have also been allowed weekly visitation. So, if he decides he wants to fight for that, be prepared that he may be given the time to see his son as much as HALF the week if he wins joint physical custody.