We have an attorney...continued from SD molested

[Nikki74]

What is the name of your state? Missouri

I posted a little over a month ago about my SD being molested
by her SF. I hotlined it and my SD spent a month and a half
with us until they closed the case saying they didn't have the
evidence they needed to charge the SF.

My SD went back to BM's a couple weeks ago and has been back
for a visit since and says the SF acts as if she doesn't exist
and she has all new rules put on her. A bedtime of 9:30 and
gets up at 7:30, and this is summer, they have no where to be,
mom took a break from work. BM isn't letting her go see her
friends and has cut way back on everything she used to let her
do.

BM or SF haven't confronted my SD about her accusations. SD
has brought it up to BM and she told her to never bring it up
again. She has asked her over and over if she could go live
with us. Her mom says no.

While my SD was staying with us I got her started in
counseling. Today the counselor tried to get BM to stay for
the session and BM didn't understand why and said she thought
her daughter was there for teenager reasons and the counselor
said, "no, it's because of the sexual abuse" and BM said,
"there was no sexual abuse, she lied about that".

Our attorney says we can't use the hotline because the SF
wasn't found to have done it, but she thinks we will still get
custody because my SD wants to live with us. She said she
will put in the papers that SD wants to live with her dad and
the reasons why and the situation with the SF will be one of
them.

We retained an attorney this week and will probably go sign
the papers Monday. We are asking for custody and that BM pays
support.

1. Can you think of anything we should add besides custody
and support?

2. What do you think the chances are of getting custody? SD
is 14.

3. Should we recommend family counseling for SF and BM with SD?
Or is that silly?

Thanks.

 

[stealth2]

Since the allegation was determined to be unfounded, your lawyer is correct. In response to your questions:

1. Custody & support sound reasonable. What about visitation?

2. Chances of custody - impossible to predict.

3. It is unlikely a court is going to order counseling. The abuse allegation was determined to be unfounded. Nothing in this post indicates abuse - Mom's allowed to set bedtimes & rising times, even in summer, for any reason she chooses.

 

[Nikki74]

I'm sure we will have to allow visitation, although my SD doesn't want to go back there at all. My SD and her mom have always been pretty close until her mom decided not believe her about the abuse. SD is very hurt by this and says that is the main reason she wants to go to counseling. It's not so much the abuse but the betrayal she feels from her mom.

I understand that parents are allowed to set bedtimes but this happened overnight and SD is very confused about why this happened. BM, SF, and their two biological children are keeping many secrets from SD. SD's sister told her they have been looking at other house to move to and told her she wasn't supposed to tell her. SD has yet to hear a word about it from her mom. The weekend before SD went back to BMs they went to six flags and my SD found out about it and asked her mom if she had a good time at six flags and her mom asked her how did you find out about that? My SD wanted to go to the pool with her friends but since she went a few days before that with her mom, sister, and brother she wasn't allowed to go. SD said I didn't have a choice weather or not to go with you and BM said you could have sat out while we swam and then you couldn't have went with your friends today. I realize we are getting one side of the story but we have had plenty run ins with BM in the past and she is very unreasonable.

 

[stealth2]

But none of that is really pertinent. It may not be nice, and it may not be fair, but it's neither abusive nor negligent.

 

[titansfan]

untitled

"we" cant file for custody-your husband can file for custody, you have no rights here.let your husband and his ex work it out, i know you are concerned about your sd, but legally you cant do anything.sounds like her mom needs a reality check. or a good kick in the pants.

 

[Nikki74]

Me and my SD are very close. Closer than she is to her dad. I have been the one doing the communicating with BM for years. BM and BF can't stand each other and everytime they try to communicate it's just a big control battle. It's easier this way and everyone is happy. My husband is the one filing for custody, but I'm the one doing the all the work, even our attorney's secretary called here and asked for me and asked me the questions to get everything going. I don't do anything against my husbands wishes. Even if my husband does the talkin he still says let me ask my wife. BM doesn't feel like I'm sticking my nose where it doesn't belong and they are both happy to not have to talk to each other. The only bad thing BM has going for herself is that she is in denial about what SF did to SD and she has always expressed her feelings about BF to my SD. Besides that I think she is a great mom.

 

[needscadvice]

ok. If SD is 14, you have a good chance of being able to ask the courts to allow her to live with you based on her wishes and her age. You need to ask your attorney though, because each state is differemt as to what age they listen to what a child wishes - and I know what they want isn't always what they get, but you can try!!! As far as the 'abuse' is concerned, I believe that they are situations that are not proved but that they did happen. Just because there is no proof, doesn't mean the daughter is lying. My only hope is that you keep her in counseling. These counseling sessions can take 15 years to actually help a person/child fully and even then it can be difficult but keep being supportive of her - that is all she needs from you - a shoulder to lean on and an open ear and a tissue for the moments she needs them. Your family - BM, BF, SM, - everyone will find a way through all of this. Her BM may not want to believe it is true. That is not to say that it is or isn't true, I'm not there and I wasn't there when 'this' took place, so I can't say one way or the other about all of that. I do know that it takes a h* of a lot for a child to say that it happened when it is true, so you have to just take it at face value and decide how to handle the situation - and it sounds to me as if you are handling that pretty well, so my hat's off to you on that one. I wish my children's stepmother was supportive and loving as you seem to be on here.

 

[Nikki74]

ok. If SD is 14, you have a good chance of being able to ask the courts to allow her to live with you based on her wishes and her age. You need to ask your attorney though, because each state is differemt as to what age they listen to what a child wishes - and I know what they want isn't always what they get, but you can try!!! As far as the 'abuse' is concerned, I believe that they are situations that are not proved but that they did happen. Just because there is no proof, doesn't mean the daughter is lying. My only hope is that you keep her in counseling. These counseling sessions can take 15 years to actually help a person/child fully and even then it can be difficult but keep being supportive of her - that is all she needs from you - a shoulder to lean on and an open ear and a tissue for the moments she needs them. Your family - BM, BF, SM, - everyone will find a way through all of this. Her BM may not want to believe it is true. That is not to say that it is or isn't true, I'm not there and I wasn't there when 'this' took place, so I can't say one way or the other about all of that. I do know that it takes a h* of a lot for a child to say that it happened when it is true, so you have to just take it at face value and decide how to handle the situation - and it sounds to me as if you are handling that pretty well, so my hat's off to you on that one. I wish my children's stepmother was supportive and loving as you seem to be on here.

Well, thanks. There was a time when I didn't see eye to eye with my SD because her mom was filling her head full of hate for her father. Everyone told us that one day she would see the truth and that day came last winter and since then my SD tells me everything, she trusts me fully and even called me tonite to cry on my shoulder over the phone because her boyfriend of 6 months just broke up with her. She said she told her mom to leave her alone. I never would have thought I'd see the day where my SD thought more of me as a mom then her BM.