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kb18

Member
My wife divorced me in California. I'll try to sum this up as much as possible. Ex military with secret clearance, wife accused me of sexual assault based on our honeymoon where she ended up with a tear in her vagina (was consentual) -> no evidence released to military -> she took back her statements -> still less than honorably discharged got out on a technicality (I can upgrade it in 1 year). (left me because she was banging her OBGYN, she told me but I have no proof on him). Unemployed -> divorced me -> threatened to re-accuse me with the medical report from her doctor -> wanted full custody -> agreed out of court on $300/mo until she remarries and $400 child support. (was still in military and under ucmj fear) Divorce finalized, I get a job paying $33.65/hr. It's overseas contracting so I can make upwards of $200,000. She finds out, She can't live off of the $700 I give her. She's full time college student, so am I. She refuses to work is collecting FAFSA for school, state welfare, cash assistance, EBT and mediCAL. She doesn't claim that I pay her child support to state of California because that would not qualify her for the state benefits. I have been paying for my and my son's health insurance since I got out of the military. She has been double dipping the state. She has not been compliant with child services to turn in the decree so they will garnish her funds until it stops. She now wants me to sign a notarized statement that I will give her $1800/mo child support (300+1800, says she can get me for more.)(no way in hell) or she will re-accuse me. I will lose my secret clearance and my overseas job if she does. I technically only make $70,000 a year if I were to work full time stateside. My contract overseas is not guaranteed. I currently pay all of her bills in addition to what she receives from the state. I have zero custody as I agreed to it while I was in the military still under the thumb of UCMJ. She just lost 25% of her benefits and is pushing me to sign. Things about her, She has been medically diagnosed with bipolar, ocd, depression and anxiety. She has tried 3 times to claim to the state of Kansas and California that she is mentally unfit to hold a job in the past. She has also a suicide attempt on record. She's the greatest mother to our son but she's reaching since I already pay all her bills. What are my chances on gaining custody with out getting screwed? I have a military sworn statement from of her saying that I didn't sexually assault her as it was all consensual but she never submitted that doctors report.
 
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stealth2

Under the Radar Member
My wife divorced me in California. I'll try to sum this up as much as possible. Ex military with secret clearance, wife accused me of sexual assault based on our honeymoon where she ended up with a tear in her vagina (was consentual) -> no evidence released to military -> she took back her statements -> still less than honorably discharged got out on a technicality (I can upgrade it in 1 year). (left me because she was banging her OBGYN, she told me but I have no proof on him). Unemployed -> divorced me -> threatened to re-accuse me with the medical report from her doctor -> wanted full custody -> agreed out of court on $300/mo until she remarries and $400 child support. (was still in military and under ucmj fear) Divorce finalized, I get a job paying $33.65/hr. It's overseas contracting so I can make upwards of $200,000. She finds out, She can't live off of the $700 I give her. She's full time college student, so am I. She refuses to work is collecting FAFSA for school, state welfare, cash assistance, EBT and mediCAL. She doesn't claim that I pay her child support to state of California because that would not qualify her for the state benefits. I have been paying for my and my son's health insurance since I got out of the military. She has been double dipping the state. She has not been compliant with child services to turn in the decree so they will garnish her funds until it stops. She now wants me to sign a notarized statement that I will give her $1800/mo child support (300+1800, says she can get me for more.)(no way in hell) or she will re-accuse me. I will lose my secret clearance and my overseas job if she does. I technically only make $70,000 a year if I were to work full time stateside. My contract overseas is not guaranteed. I currently pay all of her bills in addition to what she receives from the state. I have zero custody as I agreed to it while I was in the military still under the thumb of UCMJ. She just lost 25% of her benefits and is pushing me to sign. Things about her, She has been medically diagnosed with bipolar, ocd, depression and anxiety. She has tried 3 times to claim to the state of Kansas and California that she is mentally unfit to hold a job in the past. She has also a suicide attempt on record. She's the greatest mother to our son but she's reaching since I already pay all her bills. What are my chances on gaining custody with out getting screwed? I have a military sworn statement from of her saying that I didn't sexually assault her as it was all consensual but she never submitted that doctors report.
I really don't see you getting custody, given that you're overseas, apparently have little-to-no time with the child, and yourself say she's a great Mom. So, on to what you're paying. $400/mo, given your income (even your projected possible stateside income) is on the low side. Additionally, since you're not ordered to pay support, you could find yourself on the hook for repaying the state. If I were in your shoes, I'd be talking to a local lawyer to figure out how to mitigate your situation...

BTW - how long ago did all of this happen? How old is your child?
 

HRZ

Senior Member
You might also take a look at the extortion / blackmail laws in CA in conjunction with your lawyer. Reads to me like mom is way over the line with her threats. Blackmail is a felony .

RIpping off the state and perhaps the financial aid system by failing to report support received from ex doesn't help her picture but by itself it's not a fight I'd chose to pick.

IN a sense you are likely NOT to get credit for support you voluntarily paid her, system views same as "gifts"
 

kb18

Member
I really don't see you getting custody, given that you're overseas, apparently have little-to-no time with the child, and yourself say she's a great Mom. So, on to what you're paying. $400/mo, given your income (even your projected possible stateside income) is on the low side. Additionally, since you're not ordered to pay support, you could find yourself on the hook for repaying the state. If I were in your shoes, I'd be talking to a local lawyer to figure out how to mitigate your situation...

BTW - how long ago did all of this happen? How old is your child?
well I got out of the military in march, took a job 5 hours away at 85k and every weekend i'd drive 5 hrs to see her and him. I just recently took a new position overseas. I was in a hotel for 40 days in a different state. They both ended up staying with me the full time in the hotel. I just recently took this position but I was spending all my time with him. She is a great mom to him but she can't manage life and support herself. Even if it was just her she would be behind on bills and probably homeless. I'm not ordered, but it's in a Marriage Settlement Agreement that I pay the $400. I make the payments but I also pay more since i'm paying all the bills. Yeah I'm going to have to hire one. Son is 10 months old.
 

kb18

Member
You might also take a look at the extortion / blackmail laws in CA in conjunction with your lawyer. Reads to me like mom is way over the line with her threats. Blackmail is a felony .

RIpping off the state and perhaps the financial aid system by failing to report support received from ex doesn't help her picture but by itself it's not a fight I'd chose to pick.

IN a sense you are likely NOT to get credit for support you voluntarily paid her, system views same as "gifts"
That's the comfort I've been taking with her threats. She asked me when I do my taxes to not report that I've been paying child support because it will pop up that she's been double dipping. She says that she's committing a felony as it's fraud / evasion. She told me she could do up to 10 years for it but I don't know if its true or not. She's blackmailing for sure, that's what the basis of her entire threat is.

I'm not trying to cheapskate my way out of child support either, I just don't want to end up paying her more than shes due for him. She used a lot of the money I was giving her to travel to her obgyn and buy him gifts. That to me isn't supporting my child.

I'm aware that the extra money I give her is seen as "gifts". Does the $400/mo I pay constitute as legal child support since it's signed into the MSA, paid directly through her and not through the state?

What estimations am I looking at on how much she would be entitled to support?

Do I have a chance at getting custody? I could quit this job and use my GI bill towards a masters or immediately hop into a $100k job.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
well I got out of the military in march, took a job 5 hours away at 85k and every weekend i'd drive 5 hrs to see her and him. I just recently took a new position overseas. I was in a hotel for 40 days in a different state. They both ended up staying with me the full time in the hotel. I just recently took this position but I was spending all my time with him. She is a great mom to him but she can't manage life and support herself. Even if it was just her she would be behind on bills and probably homeless. I'm not ordered, but it's in a Marriage Settlement Agreement that I pay the $400. I make the payments but I also pay more since i'm paying all the bills. Yeah I'm going to have to hire one. Son is 10 months old.
The marriage settlement agreement IS a court order if it was part of your divorce.
 

HRZ

Senior Member
Agree, IF the settlement agreement is part of a court order that that is exactly what you are obligated to pay , not a dime less nor a dime more ....you get no legal brownie points for paying more !

AS to your personal tax return, support is not a deduction, alimony is under current law ( but soon to change if you change order after 12/31/2018) , whether you are entitled to claim your son may depend on what order says and the correct IRS form from her to do so.

Some of the threats she is directing at you seem to me to be well into area of extortion / blackmail and might well be discussed with attorney of your choice .

As an aside, if you are to be out of the area for some time it may be prudent to discuss with counsel getting out darn soon so as to make it less convenient for her to serve you about any changes she might have in mind as to paying more .
 

Zigner

Senior Member, Non-Attorney
As an aside, if you are to be out of the area for some time it may be prudent to discuss with counsel getting out darn soon so as to make it less convenient for her to serve you about any changes she might have in mind as to paying more .
Ignore this - service for modifications isn't the same as initial service. Simply being "out of the area" isn't going to stop you from being served and may, in fact, simply make it more difficult for you to find out that you've been served.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
That's the comfort I've been taking with her threats. She asked me when I do my taxes to not report that I've been paying child support because it will pop up that she's been double dipping. She says that she's committing a felony as it's fraud / evasion. She told me she could do up to 10 years for it but I don't know if its true or not. She's blackmailing for sure, that's what the basis of her entire threat is.
That makes no sense since child support is never included on someone's taxes. Alimony or spousal support is, but not child support.

I'm not trying to cheapskate my way out of child support either, I just don't want to end up paying her more than shes due for him. She used a lot of the money I was giving her to travel to her obgyn and buy him gifts. That to me isn't supporting my child.
Based on the income amounts you have been throwing around you are paying WAY less child support than state guidelines would calculate. You need to google an online child support calculator for the state with jurisdiction and run the numbers. Child support is also fluid and designed to change when income changes.

I'm aware that the extra money I give her is seen as "gifts". Does the $400/mo I pay constitute as legal child support since it's signed into the MSA, paid directly through her and not through the state?
Yes, its official child support. Anything that was part of your divorce is a court order.

What estimations am I looking at on how much she would be entitled to support?
Again, google for an online child support calculator for the appropriate state and run the numbers. I will tell you however that for the amounts of income you have been bantering around, even at the lowest amount, you are paying much less child support than what state guidelines would calculate.

Do I have a chance at getting custody? I could quit this job and use my GI bill towards a masters or immediately hop into a $100k job.
As someone else told you the odds of you getting custody are not good. Particularly since its pretty clear that your desire for custody is to avoid paying anything to mom. It would also be foolish to arrange your life around having a low income so that you do not have to pay much child support.

By all means, go to school if that will greatly benefit your future (and therefore the future of your child) but if you can immediately hop into a $100k job then I am going to guess that it would NOT greatly benefit your future.
 

kb18

Member
I don't see how you can claim that this woman is such an absolute mess out of one side of your mouth, but then claim she's a great mom out the other side of your mouth.
She's a great mother to him but entirely different when it comes about anything else.
 

HRZ

Senior Member
I stand corrected , Mom could send you notice of child support modification request by first class mail in CA ....moving does not effectively stall it out .

Blackmail is in context of either you pay me or I report some supposed prior illegal act to law enforcement and or harm you to compromise your security clearance and ability to work at certain jobs

Possible ripping off the welfare system and financial aid system by failing to report support and gifts is an added separate issue.

BTW if Mom were not camped out at college, would she not at least be capable of full time employment at whatever the minimum wage is in that part of CA?
 

kb18

Member
That makes no sense since child support is never included on someone's taxes. Alimony or spousal support is, but not child support.

Based on the income amounts you have been throwing around you are paying WAY less child support than state guidelines would calculate. You need to google an online child support calculator for the state with jurisdiction and run the numbers. Child support is also fluid and designed to change when income changes.

Yes, its official child support. Anything that was part of your divorce is a court order.

Again, google for an online child support calculator for the appropriate state and run the numbers. I will tell you however that for the amounts of income you have been bantering around, even at the lowest amount, you are paying much less child support than what state guidelines would calculate.

As someone else told you the odds of you getting custody are not good. Particularly since its pretty clear that your desire for custody is to avoid paying anything to mom. It would also be foolish to arrange your life around having a low income so that you do not have to pay much child support.

By all means, go to school if that will greatly benefit your future (and therefore the future of your child) but if you can immediately hop into a $100k job then I am going to guess that it would NOT greatly benefit your future.
Right now i'm afforded the opportunity to deploy overseas in combat areas as a civilian contractor. This won't always be the case as the company i'm working with was just outbid on the contract. I might not have a job with this company in the next two years. It's all uncertain. I'm currently working 84 hous a week with bonuses that project me uptwards to $200,000 a year. This same job stateside is $70,000 a year.

I'm just not trying to get caught at $200,000 a year when if I won't be holding the same position. I also don't want to find myself in a position where I need to be overseas risking my life to maintain what price she wants to get me at.

My desire is not to avoid paying anything to her. If there were a way where I could get custody of my son I wouldn't want any payment from her. Back in april through july she was saying I owe her $3k a month for alimony and child support. It came out to be that she wanted 85% of my salary before taxes.

This isn't a job that i'll enjoy having longevity in. Going to school is the better option.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
BTW if Mom were not camped out at college, would she not at least be capable of full time employment at whatever the minimum wage is in that part of CA?
Depends on whether she's considered disabled.
 

kb18

Member
I stand corrected , Mom could send you notice of child support modification request by first class mail in CA ....moving does not effectively stall it out .

Blackmail is in context of either you pay me or I report some supposed prior illegal act to law enforcement and or harm you to compromise your security clearance and ability to work at certain jobs

Possible ripping off the welfare system and financial aid system by failing to report support and gifts is an added separate issue.

BTW if Mom were not camped out at college, would she not at least be capable of full time employment at whatever the minimum wage is in that part of CA?
Well right now I don't have a home. I was discharged from the military and took up contracting. My mailing address that I've been using is a friends.

that's correct on the blackmail. I have her on sworn statements saying it was consentual but she could always make up a story since I did get discharged from the military from being accused.

She's ripping off the welfare system for sure. She lives in a small town and she does online classes for college. She is capable of full time employment at minimum wage. Her "hangup" is that she says she will work full time and not be able to pay for day care even though we agreed to pay 50-50 on day care.
 

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