What are the rights/responsibilities of a step parent?

[DoWhat]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MD

I'm asking as both the biological mother and a step mother so I can see both sides and try to be equally understanding. I'm curious; how involved is too involved?

As a step mother I stay out of the pick up schedules/visitation exchanges, etc. I parent the step children as if I was a teacher or close family member not as a mother. They know I'm here for them and they often call me up to discuss "kid issues" but I always encourage them to seek out their mothers advise as well and I stay out of the discipline role as much as possible. I help with school work, but I do not sign any journals or parental forms. Am I doing right? Am I crossing any lines at all? Anything I should be careful about doing in the future?

Now, I feel as the biological mother that my children's step mother is in fact crossing many lines but I'm here for an unbiased opinion on if I'm just being a crazy momma bear She is an admitted control freak and she runs her house as so. She insists on all correspondence between my ex and I be in email form only and under their shared account. She responds to them about 75% of the time saying she is him. She sets up any pick up times if they need to change. She signs homework journals and most school papers. She disciplines them 90% of the time (some examples have been giving them hot sauce and/or sending them to bed at 6pm. (they are 13 and 11). She lays out what clothes they are going to wear for each day and if they change into something different they get into trouble (see discipline above). The kids are to call her Ms. (her name). Nothing else. These are just a small example.

My ex and I share 50/50 custody and I understand her relationship with our children will of course be a little different then me with my step children because mine our only an every other weekend thing. My ex is fine with her being in control of the situation and lets her run with it. (just less he has to do or worry about). Now me, I'm not sure if I am as cool with it and I'm trying my hardest to be patient. I have only spoken out about the hot sauce thing, the email situation (how it would at least be nice to let me know who the emails are from), and the signing of their school papers. Those were met with one of those great email battles I'm sure all have partook in from time to time. In other words; they are all still going on (except the hot sauce thing because I think she saw that Dr. Phil episode).

So - how exactly should a step parent act? Are any of the above beyond the norm and am I just being crazy? (which happens quite often)

 

[ecmst12]

She sounds pretty nuts and overstepping but at least she doesn't try to get them to call her mom.

What it's going to lead to is destroying the kids' relationships with dad in the long run, and that's a shame. The minute they are 18, they are likely not going to want to have anything to do with either of them. But that is dad's mess to deal with. You have to try to keep taking the high road.

 

[stealth2]

What it's going to lead to is destroying the kids' relationships with dad in the long run, and that's a shame. The minute they are 18, they are likely not going to want to have anything to do with either of them. But that is dad's mess to deal with. You have to try to keep taking the high road.

Ditto. That's where we're at, (Not that it's the only thing that led to this situation.)

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MD

I'm asking as both the biological mother and a step mother so I can see both sides and try to be equally understanding. I'm curious; how involved is too involved?

As a step mother I stay out of the pick up schedules/visitation exchanges, etc. I parent the step children as if I was a teacher or close family member not as a mother. They know I'm here for them and they often call me up to discuss "kid issues" but I always encourage them to seek out their mothers advise as well and I stay out of the discipline role as much as possible. I help with school work, but I do not sign any journals or parental forms. Am I doing right? Am I crossing any lines at all? Anything I should be careful about doing in the future?

Now, I feel as the biological mother that my children's step mother is in fact crossing many lines but I'm here for an unbiased opinion on if I'm just being a crazy momma bear She is an admitted control freak and she runs her house as so. She insists on all correspondence between my ex and I be in email form only and under their shared account. She responds to them about 75% of the time saying she is him. She sets up any pick up times if they need to change. She signs homework journals and most school papers. She disciplines them 90% of the time (some examples have been giving them hot sauce and/or sending them to bed at 6pm. (they are 13 and 11). She lays out what clothes they are going to wear for each day and if they change into something different they get into trouble (see discipline above). The kids are to call her Ms. (her name). Nothing else. These are just a small example.

My ex and I share 50/50 custody and I understand her relationship with our children will of course be a little different then me with my step children because mine our only an every other weekend thing. My ex is fine with her being in control of the situation and lets her run with it. (just less he has to do or worry about). Now me, I'm not sure if I am as cool with it and I'm trying my hardest to be patient. I have only spoken out about the hot sauce thing, the email situation (how it would at least be nice to let me know who the emails are from), and the signing of their school papers. Those were met with one of those great email battles I'm sure all have partook in from time to time. In other words; they are all still going on (except the hot sauce thing because I think she saw that Dr. Phil episode).

So - how exactly should a step parent act? Are any of the above beyond the norm and am I just being crazy? (which happens quite often)

Your behavior as a stepparent is very appropriate. Her behavior as a stepparent is not. However, there is virtually nothing that you are going to be able to do to change that.

I have a very dear friend, who is a really good person but she was a horrible stepmother, much along the lines of your children's stepmother, minus the hot sauce. She ended up divorced over the whole issue. Dad is ruining his own relationship with the children and he will regret it later, but you will never be able to make him see it now.

 

[stealth2]

Dad is ruining his own relationship with the children and he will regret it later, but you will never be able to make him see it now.

This our situation now, and I can't tell you how sad it is to me. For our kids, absolutely, but also for my ex. He has no idea what he's doing.

 

[DoWhat]

thanks everyone, glad to know I'm not loosing my marbles and being too over protective. It will probably always bother me, but just can't let them see it bothers me. Think thats the hardest part.

Curious how I should respond to the children when they start whining and moaning about their situation? Its a hard spot as a mother. I want to do everything in my power to make sure they're okay - but I don't want to get into the middle and battle with the ex and the step mom either. What do you guys do when the kids come to you crying about this stuff?

 

[LdiJ]

thanks everyone, glad to know I'm not loosing my marbles and being too over protective. It will probably always bother me, but just can't let them see it bothers me. Think thats the hardest part.

Curious how I should respond to the children when they start whining and moaning about their situation? Its a hard spot as a mother. I want to do everything in my power to make sure they're okay - but I don't want to get into the middle and battle with the ex and the step mom either. What do you guys do when the kids come to you crying about this stuff?

Yes, it is a hard spot to be in. What you do is explain to your children that things are always going to be different between mom's and dad's houses and that is something that they simply have to accept. Unless real harm is coming to the children (and I would consider the hot sauce real harm) you need to step back.

However, if you can pull it off, I would also recommend that you get the children counseling, to help them learn coping skills.

 

[ecmst12]

Therapy always helps. And encourage them to take the high road and do the best they can.