what does custody mean?

[BobMane]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? tn

im about to go into a (hopefully) uncontested divorce and the question came up.

if we agree to 50/50 visitation does one party still have "official custody" or is custody at that point split 50/50?


what does having official custody mean and/or are the ramifications?

 

[neopandora]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? tn

im about to go into a (hopefully) uncontested divorce and the question came up.

if we agree to 50/50 visitation does one party still have "official custody" or is custody at that point split 50/50?


what does having official custody mean and/or are the ramifications?

Are you both sharing joint decision making as well?

 

[BobMane]

without knowing exactly what that means i say yes we would share decisions....

however, the cause of me filing for divorce is centered on her poor judgment so i was to include some conditions which she must meet ongoing or "full custody reverts to husband"....

e.g.

Full Custody to Father unless 100% agreement and 100% ongoing compliance by Mother to the following terms (Any deviation results in immediate full custody to Father).

Joint custody of Child 50/50 on the following terms:

Conditions:

Mother lives in same city and state as Father’s primary residence

Mother has a stable residence demonstrated with a rental contract or home title.

Mother’s home/living environment is deemed safe for child by Father and/or child protective services.

Mother has proof of full or part time employment and/or full or part time enrollment in educational program.

Mother may not leave same city and state of residence or the country with son unless authorized by written signature of Father.

 

[WittyUserName]

This comes across as extremely controlling; Mom loses her rights if you don't like her residence? And she can't travel with the child unless you approve? None of that is standard in a custody order, frankly.

Bad judgement or not, she is the woman you chose to be Mom. She doesn't lose the right to parent based on you being upset. What's the rationale behind what you're asking for? Is Mom an actual danger to the child?

 

[BobMane]

This comes across as extremely controlling; Mom loses her rights if you don't like her residence? And she can't travel with the child unless you approve? None of that is standard in a custody order, frankly.

Bad judgement or not, she is the woman you chose to be Mom. She doesn't lose the right to parent based on you being upset. What's the rationale behind what you're asking for? Is Mom an actual danger to the child?

i know it sounds odd, im also not a lawyer and I am only here asking questions. further, there are certain facts I would not be able to post in a public forum.

what i can say that might clarify why i imagined such language:

she is from Europe and has a long history of being quite the gypsy...having traveled the world extensively....the world to her is very small. I wont say exactly how she was able to afford those past luxury's and conveniences.

she has no verifiable work history or education

she is a recent immigrant she just got her extended (10 year) residence (on my signature)

the primary reason I am filing is because she had a recent affair in which she left our home on false pretense - with our son - and engaged in activities in our sons presence with the person she was cheating with - who is convicted felon and a pot head.

she has exercised poor judgment sufficient for me to conclude that I can not trust her choices and, sadly, even if she good intentions.

therefore, in my best case senerio I would give her the benefit of the doubt based on her being a generally good person but would have to be able to monitor the situation to some degree and some sort of fallback should be in place.

 

[futuredust]

without knowing exactly what that means i say yes we would share decisions....

however, the cause of me filing for divorce is centered on her poor judgment so i was to include some conditions which she must meet ongoing or "full custody reverts to husband"....

e.g.

Full Custody to Father unless 100% agreement and 100% ongoing compliance by Mother to the following terms (Any deviation results in immediate full custody to Father).

Joint custody of Child 50/50 on the following terms:

Conditions:

Mother lives in same city and state as Father’s primary residence

Mother has a stable residence demonstrated with a rental contract or home title.

Mother’s home/living environment is deemed safe for child by Father and/or child protective services.

Mother has proof of full or part time employment and/or full or part time enrollment in educational program.

Mother may not leave same city and state of residence or the country with son unless authorized by written signature of Father.

i know it sounds odd, im also not a lawyer and I am only here asking questions. further, there are certain facts I would not be able to post in a public forum.

what i can say that might clarify why i imagined such language:

she is from Europe and has a long history of being quite the gypsy...having traveled the world extensively....the world to her is very small. I wont say exactly how she was able to afford those past luxury's and conveniences.

she has no verifiable work history or education

she is a recent immigrant she just got her extended (10 year) residence (on my signature)

the primary reason I am filing is because she had a recent affair in which she left our home on false pretense - with our son - and engaged in activities in our sons presence with the person she was cheating with - who is convicted felon and a pot head.

she has exercised poor judgment sufficient for me to conclude that I can not trust her choices and, sadly, even if she good intentions.

therefore, in my best case senerio I would give her the benefit of the doubt based on her being a generally good person but would have to be able to monitor the situation to some degree and some sort of fallback should be in place.

Did you ask for a leash and tether with those conditions?

 

[neopandora]

Couple more questions:
How long have the two of you been married?
How old is the child?
Have she and the child been in TN for the past 6 months? If not how long have they been back in TN?
What is the boyfriend's felony for?

Unless she completely agrees to everything you propose to be set in your parenting plan, it won't be uncontested.

TN has a primary residential parent and an alternative residential parent with the schedule set in a parenting plan.

The restrictions you are asking for do seem overly controlling. Plus, you are asking for things like a job, etc. that she didn't have before. Why now?

 

[neopandora]

Also, please realize even if Mom does agree to ALL those conditions, if you feel they are not being met, you would have to go to Court to enforce them (and I don't see the Judge enforcing almost all of them without danger or harm to the child).

You won't get to just walk into Mom's house and it be deemed to your satisfaction.

The Judge may also decide since it is so important to you that her home is "stable" (i.e. a rental contract or property title) that he lets you pay for this stable home, etc.

 

[TheGeekess]

without knowing exactly what that means i say yes we would share decisions....

however, the cause of me filing for divorce is centered on her poor judgment so i was to include some conditions which she must meet ongoing or "full custody reverts to husband"....

e.g.

Full Custody to Father unless 100% agreement and 100% ongoing compliance by Mother to the following terms (Any deviation results in immediate full custody to Father).

Joint custody of Child 50/50 on the following terms:

Conditions:

Mother lives in same city and state as Father’s primary residence

Mother has a stable residence demonstrated with a rental contract or home title.

Mother’s home/living environment is deemed safe for child by Father and/or child protective services.

Mother has proof of full or part time employment and/or full or part time enrollment in educational program.

Mother may not leave same city and state of residence or the country with son unless authorized by written signature of Father.

I don't think any judge is going to allow these kinds of orders.

 

[sometwo]

I think the better idea would be that neither you or mom would remove child out of current area to live without both agreeing. You don't get to decide to live wherever you want and deny her that.

You should be held to the same standard.

You also cannot dictate how mom lives her life so give up the whole job/school thing. It won't work.


You chose her to be mom therefore you accepted she is capable of being mom. Let her be mom.

 

[LdiJ]

I don't think any judge is going to allow these kinds of orders.

I agree. This is one potential "agreed" order that I think that a judge will refuse to sign.

A judge will NOT sign an order that allows custody to revert 100% to either parent at that parent's whim, and this is what that agreement would do.

A judge also will not sign an order that doesn't require both parents to meet the same conditions.

Something like this might work, removing all mention of custody reverting 100% to father:

e.g.

Joint custody of Child 50/50 on the following terms:

Conditions:

Both parents must remain in the community where they are currently residing.

Both parents must have a stable residence.

Both parents must have active employment, be seeking active employment, or be enrolled in school full time.

Neither parent may take the child out of the community where they currently reside, without written permission from the other parent.

However, I cannot guarantee that a judge would sign off on that either.

Dad seems under the impression that he can call the shots here. He could be very wrong. Apparently mom has been the primary caretaker of the child therefore mom could win primary custody if a judge has to decide.

Dad, if you want a smooth and uncontested divorce, then I suggest that you stop trying to be so controlling, because its going to make life miserable for everyone, including your child.

 

[BobMane]

Couple more questions:
How long have the two of you been married?
How old is the child?
Have she and the child been in TN for the past 6 months? If not how long have they been back in TN?
What is the boyfriend's felony for?

Unless she completely agrees to everything you propose to be set in your parenting plan, it won't be uncontested.

TN has a primary residential parent and an alternative residential parent with the schedule set in a parenting plan.

The restrictions you are asking for do seem overly controlling. Plus, you are asking for things like a job, etc. that she didn't have before. Why now?

How long have the two of you been married?

roughly 3years

--

How old is the child?

2.5 years

--

Have she and the child been in TN for the past 6 months?

we live together but actually she has not been in US for last six months, she took son to Spain for several months and came back on Feb 15 2010.

--

What is the boyfriend's felony for?

drug related / delivery

--


The restrictions you are asking for do seem overly controlling.


if "overly controlling" they would be modified based on common sense suggestions obtained here and with formal counsel opinion.

--


Plus, you are asking for things like a job, etc. that she didn't have before. Why now?


the assumption and (unofficial) condition of our marriage has always been she would "change". I am all for supporting that change but in the context of the marriage my good faith was over tested and pretty much burnt out. The demonstrations of a willingness and readiness to "fall back into the old patterns" are marked and therefore if there is some sot of mechanism were in place it might (and hopefully) guide / avoid transgressions possibly adverse to child. I don't know what that looks like on paper or the viability of the thought (s) and that is why I posted the OP

 

[futuredust]

How long have the two of you been married?

roughly 3years

--

How old is the child?

2.5 years

--

Have she and the child been in TN for the past 6 months?

we live together but actually she has not been in US for last six months, she took son to Spain for several months and came back on Feb 15 2010.

--

What is the boyfriend's felony for?

drug related / delivery

--


The restrictions you are asking for do seem overly controlling.


if "overly controlling" they would be modified based on common sense suggestions obtained here and with formal counsel opinion.

--


Plus, you are asking for things like a job, etc. that she didn't have before. Why now?


the assumption and (unofficial) condition of our marriage has always been she would "change". I am all for supporting that change but in the context of the marriage my good faith was over tested and pretty much burnt out. The demonstrations of a willingness and readiness to "fall back into the old patterns" are marked and therefore if there is some sot of mechanism were in place it might (and hopefully) guide / avoid transgressions possibly adverse to child. I don't know what that looks like on paper or the viability of the thought (s) and that is why I posted the OP

What a way to start a marriage, no wonder it didn't last.

Where is the child now?

 

[BobMane]

Apparently mom has been the primary caretaker of the child therefore mom could win primary custody if a judge has to decide.

no, I work from home. everything has been 50/50 in the marriage...

 

[futuredust]

no, I work from home. everything has been 50/50 in the marriage...

Really?.. Then how could she have "no verifiable" work history if for the past three years she has been contributing to the marriage 50/50.

Something is not right here, Bob, I suspect you are not being honest.

Did you go off and get yourself a mail order bride?