What does physical custody mean?

[jacksonville12]

I'm the Dad. I've got physical custody. She gets standard visitation (every other weekend and every other holiday).

Since I have physical custody does that mean I get to make or overrule all decisions such as:

What school they attend
Mental health treatment
When they get to shave their legs/pierce their ears(tongues), etc.


For example, my ex took them for mental health counseling without my consent. She is trying to make a case against me or something. My daughters do not want to go anymore (my bipolar ex is the one who needs treatment not them) as they only get upset.

Does she have the "right" to take them to counseling on her time even if I object? Can a counselor even provide this service on her time legally since I have physical custody and without my consent?

My ex also allowed my 10 y/o daughter to shave her legs (blonde peach fuzz) during her visitation. I assume there is nothing legally I should even do about such a small matter. I suppose I should just punish my daughter for doing something which I had already told her was not acceptable to me? I know this seems small but the next thing I know her mother will have her tongue pierced (to match her mother's).


Please advise a rookie single dad!!!!

 

[tigger22472]

I personally think 10 is young to shave legs, however not that big of a deal as you expressed as knowing. However even though the daughter probably "played" both of you. She knew you said no and then asked her mom. The question is did mom know you'd said no??? Just because you have physical custody with her visitation does not mean that she has no rights what so ever to her children. It's too bad that the tow of you obviously don't get along and can't make joint decisions. Until you can the children will continue to play the two of you knowing this. I can't comment on the mental health thing however I'm assuming it would be the same thing. She probably has the right to seek the help that "she thinks" is needed without your concent although in my opinion she should of contacted you. Is she paying this counselor out of her pocket???

 

[soniasaini]

If the kids live primarily with you, you decide what school to send them to...usually based on your address. You make your rules. Their mother can make her own rules. You cannot without thoroughly confusing the kids, make your rules apply to the mother's household. Kids know that even with different teachers, they can behave differently and get away with different things.

You can tell the ten year old she can't shave at your house. You can't stop her from shaving at Mom's house. You may be wise to explain to her that she doesn't need to shave or she can try Nair or waxing or something where she is less likely to cut herself. Tell her not to shave the knee or above--just a tip. That's one of those family-type issues, but you may want to ask around for some alternatives. I agree, a ten year old has better things to worry about, and probably so do you.

The mental health visits are another story. I have read many cases where one parent will take the children to be evaluated and then try to get custody based on the evaluations. I think you can do something here. While the mother does have the right to take the children to a counselor--you can first tell the girls to refuse treatment. Tell them to tell the therapist they are being brought there against their will and they have nothing to say...unless of course they have something to say. Check out the therapist. Call the therapist and ask questions about the purpose of the visits. You have every legal right to copies of any records your ex may have on the children's health. I think if you find something underhanded is going on you should take it to the court...or consult a lawyer about it.

I'm no attorney, so get some other feedback too. As far as the piercing goes. If you don't want it in your house, make them take it out. Piercings need to stay in for a good 4 to 6 weeks to take. Looks like you may have many of these silly battles in your future though. You may be better served to discuss some of these issues with the mother and make some compromises before the daughters really start playing you against one another.

 

[buka]

Sole physical custody just means the kids live with you. Decisions on schooling, medical treatment, religion, etc. are made by whoever has LEGAL custody. Chances are, you have joint legal custody, but check your order. If you have sole legal custody as well, then you can make all decisions. If it's joint, then the two of you are supposed to be conferring with one another on those big decisions. (not including shaving)
Hope that helps. Good luck.

 

[frazzledfran]

I am curious to what prompted her decision to place the kids in counseling to begin with? You would think it would be much more than trying to build a case against you unless she thinks you are emotionally doing wrong. Most kids when starting counseling do object because they are having to release their inner feeling to a stranger but the mom may not even be in the room. I think you should inquire more if it is individual couseling for each of the kids. Look on the bright side it can't hurt the kids to have these sessions as long as it is not group hashing.

 

[frazzledfran]

I am curious to what prompted her decision to place the kids in counseling to begin with? You would think it would be much more than trying to build a case against you unless she thinks you are emotionally doing wrong. Most kids when starting counseling do object because they are having to release their inner feeling to a stranger but the mom may not even be in the room. I think you should inquire more if it is individual couseling for each of the kids. Look on the bright side it can't hurt the kids to have these sessions as long as it is not group hashing.
I agree with 10 being extremely young to shave ..Unfortunately that has alot to do with peer pressure. I think if you have a no shaving rule then when she is with you then you don't allow it to continue and then she will have a nice time dealing with the prickly legs since she chose to listen to you. I think that maybe you shoud agree to reevaluate the situation when she reaches a more appropriate age and tell her the age. Kids are constantly wanting to know when it is the alotted time to "grow up" like with makeup, and change of style with clothing, and the boys, and so on and so forth. ..which is probably the next areas of your concerns.Hopefully you and their mom will be able to maturely reach a understanding for the best decisions of your daughter.

 

[jacksonville12]

Thanks for input so far. Keep in mind that my ex is immature by definition. She is bipolar and unmedicated (except for her marijuana). She is almost impossible to reason with.

My parental instinct is to tell my daughters that CERTAIN rules apply whether they are with me or whether they or with her. These rules include dating, piercings, shaving legs, smoking cigarettes, drinking, etc.

Why can't I "expect" them to follow my rules even if when they are with their mother. I should be able to punish them accordingly if I find out they disobeyed me even if she said it was OK. It would seem responsible to say that "if they pierce their tongue at her house they get grounded at my house."

The way I see it I will always be the more mature and strict parent. However, if their mother ever did decide to impose a more strict rule than I would expect my daughters to say "if we do that we are going to get in trouble by Mom". I would expect them to say thanks Dad but no thanks.

 

[jacksonville12]

BTW, she want to put them in counseling because she is in major denial about her own mental health and drug abuse issues. She is certain I'm the crazy one. Despite the fact that the judge kicked her out of the house and awarded me physical custody she still has this fantasy that she is going to prove she is the sane one.

She's paying for the treatment but actually she has been asking to pull them out of school to attend - which puts them behind in schoolwork as well.

At first, I was going to allow it because I have nothing to hide but it is just such a joke and a waste of girls time. I've told them that if they want to see a counselor I will be glad to take them. I just don't want to get into a therapy game with my children.

They make straight A's, are very popular, well adjusted. No behavioral problems, etc. I'm very proud of them...)

 

[tigger22472]

I don't agree when children play parents back and forth especially when it's in the same house however it's hard to control when it's two different households. You can have rules at your house and your ex have rules at hers... as long as they don't endanger the girls then it's not an issue that a judge will probably listen to. As far as taking the girls out of school for therapy you might be able to stop that. I assume her visitation time isn't during school hours.... As I said unless her rules are endangering the children you can not say what goes and does go at her house. Even though you have physical custody she's their mother and if you start imposing rules at her house she could try the same. The place you will get tricky at if she's doing these things to apease the girls so that when they are of age to decide where they want to live they will choose her for she lets them do as they please. I would document these things for future use.

 

[Grandma B]

The only type custody you've stated so far is "physical" custody, meaning the girls reside with you, the father. The issue of "legal" custody is important here. Do you also have "sole" custody, or do the two of you have "joint" custody? This would affect answers to your questions.