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What exactly is FULL custody?

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EileenB

Member
What is the name of your state?AR

My husband has agreed that I have full custody. Does he still get certain holidays? I have agreed that he can see the children anytime during the week and on weekends during the last 6 months of our separation. He does not want to spend more than 2 hours a weekend with them. (He really doesn't know what to do with them). I think (?) he cares about them but really has no clue what to do with them even though I give him lots of ideas. The kids are 9 and 12 - B and Girl. My question is why, if he doesn't spend any time with them now, should he get time with them on holidays? Should I get to pick when he gets them? I beg him now to take them to dinner and he always has a 'meeting' to attend. I seriously don't see myself handing them over every other 4th of July or Xmas. Do I have to do that if I have full custody? I have put in the decree that visitation is 'up to children's wishes' and hope that works.
 


LdiJ

Senior Member
EileenB said:
What is the name of your state?AR

My husband has agreed that I have full custody. Does he still get certain holidays? I have agreed that he can see the children anytime during the week and on weekends during the last 6 months of our separation. He does not want to spend more than 2 hours a weekend with them. (He really doesn't know what to do with them). I think (?) he cares about them but really has no clue what to do with them even though I give him lots of ideas. The kids are 9 and 12 - B and Girl. My question is why, if he doesn't spend any time with them now, should he get time with them on holidays? Should I get to pick when he gets them? I beg him now to take them to dinner and he always has a 'meeting' to attend. I seriously don't see myself handing them over every other 4th of July or Xmas. Do I have to do that if I have full custody? I have put in the decree that visitation is 'up to children's wishes' and hope that works.
Full custody means that the children live with you, and you have all decision making rights regarding them.

However, full custody does NOT give you control over visitation.....and yes, its virtually guaranteed that a judge would give him holiday time with the kids.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
EileenB said:
I have put in the decree that visitation is 'up to children's wishes' and hope that works.
This is absolutely terrible wording AND way too much power to give to kids. A judge is unlikely to sign off on that.
 

CJane

Senior Member
stealth2 said:
This is absolutely terrible wording AND way too much power to give to kids. A judge is unlikely to sign off on that.
Even if the judge did, it's a nightmare waiting to happen. What's mom's plan for when the kids tell dad one thing and her another? What about when they're WITH dad/mom and get mad and demand to go to the other parent's house?

That's even worse than 'fair and reasonable' as far as potential for conflict.

Advice to OP ~ Set up visitation to include SPECIFIC days/times. Give dad 1/2 the holidays - alternate years in the manner of 'in even years Mom gets X', 'in odd years Dad gets Y'. IF dad chooses not to exercise visitation then fine. But if he does, have the kids ready to go.

Be prepared for a judge to want to know why you should be the sole custodian instead of dad having input into things like medical care, especially if you're requesting that he contribute 1/2 of the uncovered expenses or that he provide the insurance.
 

EileenB

Member
I have had two different attorneys suggest this particular wording. My husband is a sex addict - reason for sole custody. The kids are very uncomfortable around him. (They obviously don't know all the facts). I don't want to ever 'force' them to spend the night. He's been gone for 5 months. My son spent 3 nights with him the first month and my daughter has never spent the night. I have been very encouraging as I do want my children to have a relationship with him. However, I also have to respect their 'gut' feeling and my own 'gut' feeling. They are just not comfortable to spend the night. These kids are 9 and 12. He and I do talk and are very respectful and never argue. He never batted an eye when I said I want full custody.
 

CJane

Senior Member
EileenB said:
I have had two different attorneys suggest this particular wording.
Word of warning. If you DO manage to get a judge to sign off on this one, be prepared for the day that the kids decide they don't like the rules and want to go live with dad. If visitation is up to THEM there's not going to be anything you can do about it.

That doesn't even take into account how unbelievably unfair it is to the children to put the ball so firmly in their court. You and the ex might be getting along now, but trust me, it may not last. How are you going to feel when/if he starts begging the kids to spend more time with him, and saying things like "I know you could see me whenever you wanted to, and you choose not to"? Or what happens at 10pm when one of them is pissed at you and wants to go to dad's RIGHT NOW? If it's 'up to the children's wishes', you're in contempt if you don't follow their wishes.

It's a really really really bad idea.
 

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