What should I do?

[2isbetter]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Mi

Not married, father not on BC(he did not show to hospital, Mi requires he be there in person to be on BC), nothing filed in court. Child is 11 months old, father has lived in 3 states since birth, he has never lived in Mi and on his one visit he showed up in a car with a license plate from a 4th state. I send him a monthly email with Dr info, update and pics. He visited for a couple of days the week after child was born, and then once when child was 8 months old for 3 hours. He will go several months without contacting me or returning any contacts that I have made.

In July he called and demanded to see child that weekend. When I said no cause I would be out of town on a vacation that I scheduled in May, he became very angry and threatened to go to court or show up in my driveway with the cops. 2 weeks later he called and demanded to see child that weekend and the next. I told him the July convo, that I would again be on vacation these 2 weekends. Again the anger and threats. We did though arrange for the 3rd weekend in Aug for both Sat and Sun.

He showed for Sat, towards the end of it, he started giving the 8 month old his drink. It was and adult flavored vitiam water, and I asked him to not give it the baby, to instead give him his bottle. He became angry, screaming at me that I can't tell him what he can do with his son, and stormed out. He did not show for the Sun visit. We had several days of emails back and forth, all went bad. I finally asked him to send me a regular shedule of when he wants visits, that I could not continue to do it the way he was doing.

Then no contact, no answers to emails I sent him or phone calls I made. Oct 17 he called and said he was coming Halloween weekend, I told him plans were already made. Again the anger, threats and demands. I again asked him to send me a regular schedule.

He has sent several emails since then, none with a regular schedule, just asking to come this weekend. Took me 3 emails to him, to just get times for this weekend. Finally he did say he wants 2nd and 4th weekend of every month. That does not work for me, I have another child who goes 1st and 3rd weekend with his father(it is set up according to Mi courts), my job requires me to work EOW and I work the 1st and 3rd, so I can have off on my weekends with my other child. If I let him have 2nd and 4th, I will never have a weekend with this other child. Round and around, him making threats.

Anyways, he is now coming this weekend. But now I am starting to have 2nd thoughts. With no legal papers at this time, with his last visit going badly, with his threats, with not knowing what state he even lives in, I am thinking it is not a good idea to have him here. I know I should just file myself, but with 2 kids, no money help from this one at all, I am strapped and can't afford the filing fees, let alone a lawyer. On top of that, I don't want to file for CS, it will anger him further. I won't do this without a lawyer, while I have a good relationship with my other son's father, I have seen what goes on in court. With the other father, we did go through court, but just so it was all made legal, but I saw those other cases and I can't do this without a lawyer.

Sorry this is long, but not sure what details are needed. Just wanting some advice on if I should do this or just wait and get the legal papers first?

 

[Perky]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Mi

Not married, father not on BC(he did not show to hospital, Mi requires he be there in person to be on BC), nothing filed in court. Child is 11 months old, father has lived in 3 states since birth, he has never lived in Mi and on his one visit he showed up in a car with a license plate from a 4th state. I send him a monthly email with Dr info, update and pics. He visited for a couple of days the week after child was born, and then once when child was 8 months old for 3 hours. He will go several months without contacting me or returning any contacts that I have made.

In July he called and demanded to see child that weekend. When I said no cause I would be out of town on a vacation that I scheduled in May, he became very angry and threatened to go to court or show up in my driveway with the cops. 2 weeks later he called and demanded to see child that weekend and the next. I told him the July convo, that I would again be on vacation these 2 weekends. Again the anger and threats. We did though arrange for the 3rd weekend in Aug for both Sat and Sun.

He showed for Sat, towards the end of it, he started giving the 8 month old his drink. It was and adult flavored vitiam water, and I asked him to not give it the baby, to instead give him his bottle. He became angry, screaming at me that I can't tell him what he can do with his son, and stormed out. He did not show for the Sun visit. We had several days of emails back and forth, all went bad. I finally asked him to send me a regular shedule of when he wants visits, that I could not continue to do it the way he was doing.

Then no contact, no answers to emails I sent him or phone calls I made. Oct 17 he called and said he was coming Halloween weekend, I told him plans were already made. Again the anger, threats and demands. I again asked him to send me a regular schedule.

He has sent several emails since then, none with a regular schedule, just asking to come this weekend. Took me 3 emails to him, to just get times for this weekend. Finally he did say he wants 2nd and 4th weekend of every month. That does not work for me, I have another child who goes 1st and 3rd weekend with his father(it is set up according to Mi courts), my job requires me to work EOW and I work the 1st and 3rd, so I can have off on my weekends with my other child. If I let him have 2nd and 4th, I will never have a weekend with this other child. Round and around, him making threats.

Anyways, he is now coming this weekend. But now I am starting to have 2nd thoughts. With no legal papers at this time, with his last visit going badly, with his threats, with not knowing what state he even lives in, I am thinking it is not a good idea to have him here. I know I should just file myself, but with 2 kids, no money help from this one at all, I am strapped and can't afford the filing fees, let alone a lawyer. On top of that, I don't want to file for CS, it will anger him further. I won't do this without a lawyer, while I have a good relationship with my other son's father, I have seen what goes on in court. With the other father, we did go through court, but just so it was all made legal, but I saw those other cases and I can't do this without a lawyer.

Sorry this is long, but not sure what details are needed. Just wanting some advice on if I should do this or just wait and get the legal papers first?

If paternity hasn't been established and there are no court orders, then you are under no obligation to allow visitation. But, if you are so concerned about the father, why continue to contact him??

 

[2isbetter]

If paternity hasn't been established and there are no court orders, then you are under no obligation to allow visitation. But, if you are so concerned about the father, why continue to contact him??

Several reasons. I thought I was suppose to attempt to let him see his child and not keep him from the child. Don't want the court to think I am not trying to work with the father.

And when he has contacted me in every message(text, voice mail or email), he has said I am the one that is making no contact for months. I do have all my texts, voice mails and emails saved. His messages about me avoiding him and not making contact with him, have been coming every couple months since I was about 4 months pregnant. So I made a point of contacting him once a month with info on the pregnancy and then on the child.

I don't know, should I not be making an effort, should I cut contact?

 

[Perky]

Several reasons. I thought I was suppose to attempt to let him see his child and not keep him from the child. Don't want the court to think I am not trying to work with the father.

And when he has contacted me in every message(text, voice mail or email), he has said I am the one that is making no contact for months. I do have all my texts, voice mails and emails saved. His messages about me avoiding him and not making contact with him, have been coming every couple months since I was about 4 months pregnant. So I made a point of contacting him once a month with info on the pregnancy and then on the child.

I don't know, should I not be making an effort, should I cut contact?

If he hasn't done anything to establish paternity, then he doesn't legally have a child. You aren't required to foster a parent/child relationship until he is established as dad. If it were me, in my next contact with him, I would suggest that he establish paternity and file for visitation/child support.

 

[2isbetter]

Thanks I appreciate your advice. I did however go ahead with the visit, but I had a 3rd party here with me. I provided him with food for the visit, answered any questions he asked and we stayed in another room.

I have told him numerous times, that we need to hash out an agreement and have it filed in court. If he does not want to do that, then he needs to just file himself. He does not want to do either. He wants to come and go when he pleases.

So after this visit, even though it went fine, I'm not doing them like this again. To stressful, and tired of him threatening to take me to court, show up with the police or just take the baby out my door.

I will just suggest he establish paternity and file for a paternity plan. Honestly I don't want his CS, I can get by without it, and it will just cause him to do things out of spite. The court I go to won't order CS unless someone files for it, only way they will is if your on any state assistant which I am not. So I am not filing for it, and he will never file to establish it.

 

[futuredust]

Why don't you file for the support and deposit it into a savings account for your child. If you feel you can get by without it, then put it up for the child. Even if he only paid 200 a month, your child would have more then 40k in savings when they are 18. A decent head start on college expenses.