• FreeAdvice has a new Terms of Service and Privacy Policy, effective May 25, 2018.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our Terms of Service and use of cookies.

what to do?

Accident - Bankruptcy - Criminal Law / DUI - Business - Consumer - Employment - Family - Immigration - Real Estate - Tax - Traffic - Wills   Please click a topic or scroll down for more.



What is the name of your state?New York / South Korea

Last august I became pregnant with a man that I had been dating for 2 years. He was married but seperated from his wife, his wife knew all along of our relationship. This wasn't the first time that I got pregnant by him. But when I found out that I was pregnant september of last year, I decided that I wanted to keep this child because I couldn't deal with the emotional heartache of having another abortion. He knew right from the beginning that I was pregnant and that I was indeed keeping this child. He was kind of upset at first but a few weeks after I told him he seemed allright with it and he started telling me be careful and had me watch out for myself more because he didn't want me to hurt the baby on accident. Then in November he moved to KY.... I met him and I live here in Korea.... he is in the army and was stationed here and I am in korea as a dependent of my father. After he left we kept in contact and when I had the baby I emailed him and told him. He wrote back asked about the baby and congratulated me on being so determined and strong. ( I had the baby may of this year) and then in June he stopped writing.... After a few weeks I called his friend and learned that he had been shot.... but was allright. When I called a second time his friend gave me a cold shoulder and when I asked for my childs fathers phone number he refused. So I called my daughters father's mother (her grandmother) and she too refused to give me his number! But she talked to me and said that "This child can not be my son's unless she has red hair!" that was the craziest thing I have heard! I didn't tell his mother but....my daughter does have reddish strawberry blonde colored hair...but what she said was so shocking I couldn't even speak..... My daughters hair is a surprise because Her father and I both have brown hair.... but even if my daughter hadn't had red hair she is still biologically his daughter. After going through many phone directorys and military search engines i found his number and called him....he told me well yelled at me and said " the child can't be mine" and yelled at me for getting involved with him in the first place... I knew that our relationship was over the day he left last november but we discussed him being a part of the babys life....he was up for it.... I never even asked for child support..... i am 18 and I am taking care of my baby alone.... all I asked was that he be an emotional part of his daughters life. later into the conversation when he calmed down he said" If I find out that the child is mine I will take her from you"... because he wasn't here at the time of her birth i believe that I have sole custody of this child. I know that he is now with his wife again and he stated that his wife wants NOTHING to due with this kid. I know from my past experience with him that he is an alcoholic and can be abusive....I have never seen him abusive towards any children but in a relationship he can get very jeolous...and violent. but he does drink all the time. I regret trying to do what I thought was right because I got no where with that.... I know in military court he could get in trouble for commiting adultry and I was 16 when we started our relationship.... and abandoning a child is considered something big in the military courts.... My question is this.. I met a wonderful guy and we plan on getting married this november. He wants to adopt my child and I think that he is wonderful with children and I've heard him talking to his son from a past relationship and he's just everything I could dream of in a family. But my daughter has her fathers last name. What should I expect when my fiance' adopts her? what kind of paperwork will we be needing... we are residing in NY. My childs father doesn't pay child support, we don't contact eachother, and he's never seen his child. What could happen say if down the road after my fiance adopts her could her father still have rights and try to get my daughter? I don't know that he would but he's always been kind of stingy about what's his....I know he got with his wife again but I also know that he has NO feelings for her... In the past he was always very protective of me and even though we arn't getting along right now....I know that he very attracted to me....I just have some gut feeling he will be back to try to "win me" again...as he always has. I don't want this man in my life.....let alone my daughters...... I don't want her to see how much he drinks. Please if you have any advice on my fiance' adopting her/ and how I could refrain him from entering in our lives later I would really appreciate it...thank you


ok first off, you need to talk to a lawyer. Is your ex on the birth certificate? did he sign anything related to paternity?

If not you need to check the laws of NY and find out how NY goes on Custody of children with unmarried parents. If NY says custody lies with mom by default then you have to petition for support and he must petition to see the child.

Check the abandonment laws of NY some states is 6 mos some is 1 year. If you can get abandonment the court will sever his parental rights and your fiance after you are married can adopt your daughter.

You really should see a lawyer because it is likely that he will have to be notified at some point that you are seeking his rights so that your future husband may adopt.

You will have to have your ex's rights terminated to allow your fiance to adopt your daughter.

You have some bargaining room with what happened while you were 16, and he was married.

I really can't stress enough the need for a lawyer. Get to one as soon as you can.

Good luck to you and your family.


I am sorry for the mess that you are in. At the same time though, I hope you have learned a valuable lesson re: getting yourself involved w/ a married man. I also wonder why you had to mention in your post that this man is back w/his wife, but he doesn't love her, etc. etc. and that you feel that he will try to come back to you? Just seems to me like there are some feelings still there. I hope your upcoming marriage works out, b/c at 18 that is still pretty young be to going into a marriage and esp. after the relationship you've just gotten out of. This is just an example of how the children suffer the most when people are so selfish and don't consider the consequences of their actions until it is too late. I'm not judging, but expressing my feelings--having been a victim of my ex husband's infidelities and his illegitimate child as a result of this and the abandonment of his child w/me. Please dear, learn from this and don't repeat that mistake again. I don't think that you would want your fiancee' to cheat on you, so put yourself in the "wife's" shoes, and have more respect for yourself than to settle for "used goods". You're worth more than that. I wish you the best. :) :)

Find the Right Lawyer for Your Legal Issue!

Fast, Free, and Confidential