what would you recomend be a good visitation schedule?

[beth_parr]

What is the name of your state? Mi chigan

I have posted my story on here and I am just wanting to get some opinions from everyone.
We are still waiting for the investigators report to come back, it should be here any day now.

when we went to the investigation we were basicly givven the impression that since the only parent the child has known is the mom that it will be some sort of gradual custody/parenting time.
Now of course this gradual thing will only work if mom actually brings the child to the visits and follows the court order. Considdering that she has not followed any orders from the court so far we don't have very much faith that she will follow this one. In that case we will file a complaint for vistitation interference and the court will follow up with a show cause for contempt.

But what I am worried about is 1: this child is 5yrs old and has been thru so much I want to try to minimize the amount of trauma and stress. He has moved over 13 times and has been in foster care and in the care of his maternal g-ma when mom was in jail a few times. When dad goes for his visits I was planning on not being there at first and just letting dad and son do there thing. Do you think this is a good thing to do or do you think it would be better for him to meet us both at the same time?

2: if by some miracle we are granted emediate custody what do you guys think will be the best way to handle picking him up from his mom. I know this will be extreamly hard on him and I know mom will be going nuts screaming and being hysterical,(she is a dramma queen and very emotional).
And unfortunatly we will be having a police escort to enforce the order and make sure nothing happens, so I know that will add stress. Afterall this kid has been taken away from his mom by the police more than once so I am sure he has a fear of police.
If it does come down to this i want it to be dramma free as possable. I really feel like it is going to end up coming down to dad carrying away a crying screaming hysterical little boy and I think that is going to be very bad. Is there any good approaches anyone has? Anyways to minimize the stress?
we had asked his protective services social worker if she would be able to pick him up from mom and then we could pick him up from the agency's building but they won't do it without a court order to take the child.

The child therapist we talked to said the best way to do it would be to have a outside person pick him up from mom's house, that way he would be mad at them and not dad and me. They also said that because we have no clue if he even knows about his dad or if he has been told someon else was his dad that doing it this way would provide a time to talk to him about the role of parents and how children can have different parents and different situations and so on. That way it would be easier for him to understand what is going on rather than just saying, Hi kid this is your dad.
But so far we can't find anyone to do this.

so please if anyone has any suggestions I would really like to hear them.

also we have 3 kid of our own, what do you think would be the best way to introduce them. But please keep in mind that this child tried to hurt his baby brother when he was 2 and that he has been evaluated and found to be overly agressive as well as a few other things. We plan on not letting him out of our sight when he is with us, we are going to even use a baby monitor in his room and keep our youngest in our room and the girls door will be shut at night with a baby monitor in there too. At least until we get a better understanding of him and what he is like.

thanks,
beth

 

[Zephyr]

doing a general search on this site for "parenting plans" gave me a lot of great suggestions

 

[beth_parr]

i have done that but seeing as how we don't know that child it makes it harder. I can't find any example plans for a child of 5 that doesn't know the other parent.

 

[Zephyr]

i have done that but seeing as how we don't know that child it makes it harder. I can't find any example plans for a child of 5 that doesn't know the other parent.

you would start with any of the graduated plans, ones that start with many frequent visits, maybe even in the presence of someone the child is already comfortable with, progressing to longer visits and eventually overnights

 

[bonkers101]

I would start with short visits - maybe two hours in duration at a place the kid can feel happy and comfortable - like a park or McDonalds. Move it up to an amusement park for the day that the kid will look forward to, and so on. My son was 16 months when dad came into his life and they stairstepped his visits for 6 months before going overnight. I think he could have done them way sooner - but at the time I thought it was necessary. It didn't take them that long to bond though, and I'm sure if it becomes a peaceful place to go, and a loving place to go, this child will also quickly respond and look forward to the visits. Just make it surround the child - good luck.

 

[nextwife]

I'd suggest evaluations as follows:

Academic, where is he for age level , and, if appropriate, an IEP

Behavioural, psychiatrist, in case he is also in need of medication for any untreated biochemical disorders, such as ADHD, which contribute to any impulsive or aggressive behaviors

Therapist, of course.

Also recommended:

Vision and Auditory testing. Deficits can cause a child to misread social cues.

 

[nextwife]

i have done that but seeing as how we don't know that child it makes it harder. I can't find any example plans for a child of 5 that doesn't know the other parent.

You may want to visit some foster parent websites, web support groups to see how the "foster to adopt" parents get to know the children. These kids are often five or above and do not know the (future) parent(s).

Most of us who adopted internationally also had no prior relationship with our kids before they were several years old. So, some weblists of international adopive parents may also be full of good feedback about child adjustments to the "new" previously unknown parent.

 

[beth_parr]

Thanks for the info.

We have already set up evaluations. he will be having a mental evaluation done within 72 hours of him coming to be with us. And we have a educational one set up at our daughters school. And we are putting him in counseling regardless of what the evaluations say. by the way what is a lEP?

I hadn't thought about the hearing and vision one. I will have to look into that. although If i am remembering correctly he had a hearing check in foster care because he wasn't talking at the age of 2, not even trying to mimic words and he wouldn't follow verbal directions.

The foster care idea sounds really promising I think i'm going to go find some sites to check out. thanks.

 

[nextwife]

Thanks for the info.

We have already set up evaluations. he will be having a mental evaluation done within 72 hours of him coming to be with us. And we have a educational one set up at our daughters school. And we are putting him in counseling regardless of what the evaluations say. by the way what is a lEP?

I hadn't thought about the hearing and vision one. I will have to look into that. although If i am remembering correctly he had a hearing check in foster care because he wasn't talking at the age of 2, not even trying to mimic words and he wouldn't follow verbal directions.

The foster care idea sounds really promising I think i'm going to go find some sites to check out. thanks.

An IEP is an Individulaized Education PLan, set up with the school. He sounds language delayed, and potentially neglected, he may various deficits and gaps in language and concept acquisition. My child was well past two before she acquired language, due to both transitory hearing problems, and orphanage neglect. She still gets some help with speech at age 8, under her IEP. BTW- she is in regular third grade now and at peer level in a VERY challenging school, one of the top in the state. So catch-up IS possible.

I have learned from our experience, that some kids have hearing problems that come and go, but don't stay consistantly impaired. REGARDLESS of any hearing tests done back whe, I'd suggest retesting. We retest 2x a year, and it often varies, mild to moderate, to almost normal.

 

[StarsMoon]

This is very useful info....

I'd suggest evaluations as follows:

Academic, where is he for age level , and, if appropriate, an IEP

Behavioural, psychiatrist, in case he is also in need of medication for any untreated biochemical disorders, such as ADHD, which contribute to any impulsive or aggressive behaviors

Therapist, of course.

Also recommended:

Vision and Auditory testing. Deficits can cause a child to misread social cues.

The second day after my hubby and I picked his son (child was 7) up to bring him home with us, I had appointments set up with a pedi doc to have the child tested. He too, also seen alot of stuff with his BM (police, drugs, alcohol, fighting, ect) and we were worried about how he would handle the transition. He did great. We learned that he wasn't on a 7yr old's level and needed to be held back a grade as well as needed alot of help with writing and math. I have spent long hrs with this child, teaching him and I'll tell you, he is an A and B student. And I'm proud of him. I believe that he needed a parents attention as well as a stable environment. My hubby and I went from having no kids to having a 7yr old and then 4 months later having a newborn. It's been a blast...
But anywho... show this child a loving, happy environment and especially stablity.. and with alot of love, he should adjust.
Take care....

 

[trustknow1]

Hi Beth,

Lots of issues to digest...here are some options on the psychological side:

It is debatable, but most opinions agree that a child forms their "baseline personality" during the first five years of life. In other words, by first assessing his "personality" by observation will greatly help in your strategy to integrate him into your family.

Just like getting a new puppy; the time to formulate the detailed orientation plan is before he arrives...not after. You obviously recognize that. Some of the less obvious, but crucial areas.....and some suggestions for helpful "tools":

- 36"w X 24"h dry-erase whiteboard (to express himself)
- Psycho-talk (my term) hand puppets. Mom/Dad/boy/girl set. (talking together through puppets) For you to use later, if needed.
-give him some decisions to make in setting up "his area", so he is involved.
-have all of the siblings hide their "favorite things" so everything out is "sharable" between all kids for first couple days.
-make sure he has a "safe-haven" spot. (A place he can retreat to, where he knows he can "relax" and "re-group" for awhile from the excitement if need be. Same with access to snacks, food, etc. which is all kids think about. lol
-He will "attach" to one child he feels most comfortable with....if it is mutual, and works well, this child can be his "helper" initially for the basic stuff.

The pick-up plan? Since it sounds confrontational, I'd suggest having somebody he knows and trusts do the pick up (Grandma, aunt, etc) and go alone ( subject to what you expect to unfold at the door regarding safety). Then he is taken to a neutral, familiar place (McDonalds, etc) to meet you, eat, unwind, etc before heading back to your home (and his). The less excitement, the better. He is going to be looking for security, not a party with unfamiliar surroundings. Again, the more choices you can give him ( hamburger or cheeseburger, front seat or back seat, etc), the better he will feel.

Same suggestion on his first few days...I would keep it simple and let him adjust to a basic survival routine..his bed, eating, etc.....before launching a battery of tests, therapists, and appointments like he is going into the army. There is plenty of time to take a couple days for him to acclimate, first.

Meeting the kids? Again, McDonald's or another familiar environment initially, is a better choice for initial contact on "neutral territory". Your kids will not be so concerned with "protecting their territories" and he will not feel like he is walking right into a strange place, afraid of fitting in. By the time the trip home is over..."everybody is returning home together". (Obviously, your kids have been primed on accepting him, sharing, etc).

I would suggest giving alot of thought to the "security issues" you seem to be very concerned about. You do not want to have your kids thinking "Bubba the Bully" is coming... or make him feel like he is entering "prison" coming to his new home..... There is a good compromise somehow.... You can get a security camera with motion detection/audio/night vision, etc for $40 at Wal-Mart or similar place that can be hidden, various motion detectors,with quiet alerts only to your room, etc. very inexpensively now. I would suggest you do not tell the kids, and not him, etc. They are all unaware, or they are all made aware of the surveillance. AND remember that this approach requires forethought.....like when your childrens' overnight friends mention that you have cameras to their parents.....who may think you are compromising their kids' privacy....

Anyway, hope it helps a bit. The links below are great psychological resource sites; some with forums and "Ask the Therapist" areas. The last two links contain many age-specific versions of child custody schedules formatted by a Child Psychologist, and excellent advice....(not specific to Colorado).

http://www.adoption.com/
http://psychcentral.com/resources/Parents_and_Children/
http://www.divorceandchildren.com/resources.htm
http://www.healthyminds.org/childrensissues.cfm
http://www.saafamilies.org/sitemap.htm
http://www.apa.org/sitemap.html
http://www.gocrc.com/index.html
http://www.coloradodivorcemediation.com/family/parenting_after.asp
http://www.coloradodivorcemediation.com/family/schedules.asp

Good Luck......

 

[beth_parr]

Thanks for the advice, i'm going to look into all of it. I just really want this to go off as smoothly as it can. I am so worried it's going to be a big huge hysterical mess. We have talked to our kids especially our oldest who did actually meet the child when he was a baby. She had this picture in her head how he was going to be this perfect cute little thing. I had to explain that things were going to be different and most likley really hard for him to feel comfortable. I explained how it was our job to help him and how he may or may not be very nice at first. I am hoping it helps her cope with him. Our 3yr old just doesn't seem to get it. She says her only brother is Luke who is actually our youngest. I don't think she can grasp the idea that she has another brother without actually seeing him. I know with her I am going to have to keep her actively involved and give her lots of attention otherwise she will be bouncing off the walls trying to test the limits.
I think I am going to set up that baby monitors today, that way I can make up some excuse other than saying we need them to keep an eye on the child. Hopefully that will stop any arguing, also the room he will be in is Luke's room too and since Luke is a baby it is only natural that there is a baby monitor in there. Luke is coming back in our room till things are settled, he hardly ever sleeps in his room anyway as he still won't sleep thru the night.

I am getting so anxious over this whole thing. I am stressing out trying to make sure everything is in place before he comes. I really like the mcdonalds idea. However it's still going to be hard to get someone to pick him up. we don't know anyone he knows. His maternal grandmother and us do not get along as she has helped mom keep the kid away and lied saying she didn't know were they were when he has actually been going to her house every weekend for the past year or so. She also doesn't seem to care that her daughter is into all sorts of crap and seems to think the child is just fine with her. She rescues her daughter out of every situation he gets herself into and thinks she just needs help. She of course blames dad for every misfortune her daughter has had since the child was born because dad broke up with mom. So it's just a big mess when it comes to dealing with that side of his family. I think I will talk to someone at our church and see if there are any resources they can lead us too that would help in picking him up, the church has a social services program so they may have someone who can help.

well I have to go make lunch, thanks again,
beth