When a father is not around

[1sttimemommy]

What is the name of your state? Texas

I live in Texas with my one year old son, and his father lives in Utah

He has not seen my son since he was 3 months old, and recently told me that he was not going to pay child support anymore until I put his name on the birth certificate. He was sending $200.00 per month, but that was just what he could afford to pay and not court involved

I was told by an attorney to not place his name on the birth certificate until I have legal custody, and I explained that to my son's father and he threatened me and simply told me that he does not come around to see our son because he hates me. He has seen my son a total of two times, all before he was 3 months old. He did not send my son a Christmas card or gift, did not even attempt to come and see him, and the same failed appearance at my son's first birthday party, I told him and his mother that instead of gifts that I wished that they would come visit him so that he can know who they are.

My question is this...

I cannot afford the $4000.00 I need for attorney fees without saving up, I am a single mother...but he claims that he will go to court and that my young son that does not even know his father will have to travel every other month to visit him out of state since we do not get along

I asked him to get counseling with me, but he said I was trying to change him, and that my expectations of what kind of father he should be is the problem here.

Will my son have to travel? And is there such a thing as abandonment of his son if he has no contact after a certain amount of time? I never hear from him at all to check on my son unless I am calling him.

Thank you

 

[king sol]

First, don't let your ex intimidate you?

You are allowing him to control your emotions, why?

Don't get yourself all twisted up, by threats from a father who hasn't made any attempts to see his child, lives in another state, threatening a senerio created in his own head of what a judge would order for custody and insisting by intimidation you place his name on the b.c. which would have no legal significance at all.

My guess.....he's screwing with you.....Why?..... because it works!

Go to your county's child support service and open a case for child support.

Most likely, in time, things will chill out.

In the best interest of your child you should not discourage a relationship with dad. Your child deserves to have a loving and continuous relationship with both parents.

 

[sirxamiel]

As far as your situation is concerned, I would go to the child support enforcement agency, and file to get child support. It is a federal law that a non-custodial parent pay child support. Secondly, there is a 6 month living law ,I dont know all the details, but it states that if a child has lived in a certain area consecutively for more than 6 months,then the case will have to be tried there. As far as abandonment is concern, I as a father did not see my child for 7 years, and some of it was my fault, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life, but the mother kept me from her as well. She tried to use the "abandonment" against me as well, but it did not hold in court. I still got visitation rights. It would be hard to say about the travel, but most judges will at least grant him the right to bring his child with him to his home at least for the summer. A judge may grant him the right to bring him with him every other visit. But most likely, he will have to come there at least most of the time to visit. I am not an attorney, but learning from past mistakes and lessons, I would suggest that you not use the child as a pawn in any of the legal battles between you and him. It only hurts the child in the long run. Keep an open mind always, and let him know firmly that you intend on working with him as far as the child goes, but you will not stand for him using the child against you. I hope this helps.

 

[jslopez711]

I agree with a lot of what everyone is saying here.
Do go and start getting child support. This money will help out a lot, what ever it is. And yes, if he petitions the court he will be allowed to be placed on your child's birth certificate, but SO WHAT!!!!!!!!
Will he get vistation? more than likely yes. Get used to that. Abandonment will probably won't work because if he keept record of the $200.00 he was sending you or sends you then support is considered contact in Texas. Sure he's going to have to bridge that but it would not be difficult to do.
You have the unenviable task to walk the high ground with this fellow. Rember, wheather you like or not you kid NEEDS his father and it is in your childs best interest to ensure you do ALL that you can do. That's all you can do.

In time, some things pass.

 

[1sttimemommy]

I think that my main concern is that he is not a father to my son, and I have always encouraged that, he has chosen to stay away and claims that he cannot afford to visit

He never calls, he never visits, and he is not a father to my son, that's my main concern, I have never kept my son from him, and have even encouraged him to visit

I speak to his mother regularly, she's about to go to prison for a long time, and that's one of the reasons that I have concerns about the support, she has always paid things for him, and that is not going to be a blanket for him anymore

I think I pushed for him to be a father, and in doing so I pushed him out of my son's life, well at least that's what he tells me

 

[sirxamiel]

I think that my main concern is that he is not a father to my son, and I have always encouraged that, he has chosen to stay away and claims that he cannot afford to visit

He never calls, he never visits, and he is not a father to my son, that's my main concern, I have never kept my son from him, and have even encouraged him to visit

I speak to his mother regularly, she's about to go to prison for a long time, and that's one of the reasons that I have concerns about the support, she has always paid things for him, and that is not going to be a blanket for him anymore

I think I pushed for him to be a father, and in doing so I pushed him out of my son's life, well at least that's what he tells me

First of all, you STOP RIGHT THERE!!! You did not push him out of your sons life!!!! You have no control over what he does. If he wants to see his son, then he will attempt to do so, regardless of what you guys are doing or saying to each other. Secondly, if his mother is paying support, then he will have to pay support, or he will end up in jail!! You didnt push him to be a father, he knew how to wear a condom, and he knew what the chances were when you guys got together! That is nothing but a cowardly excuse for him to say that to you!! It takes 2 to tango!! So quit listening to his excuses for not being there for his son, and quit listening to him blame you. You are not at fault in anyway for his actions. He either wants to see his son or he doesnt, and thats the way it is!!!!!!

 

[jslopez711]

I think that my main concern is that he is not a father to my son, and I have always encouraged that, he has chosen to stay away and claims that he cannot afford to visit

He never calls, he never visits, and he is not a father to my son, that's my main concern, I have never kept my son from him, and have even encouraged him to visit

I speak to his mother regularly, she's about to go to prison for a long time, and that's one of the reasons that I have concerns about the support, she has always paid things for him, and that is not going to be a blanket for him anymore

I think I pushed for him to be a father, and in doing so I pushed him out of my son's life, well at least that's what he tells me

I see what your main point is. However, the kid's father is the kid's father. And you need to quit feeling for yourself and start doing what is best for your son. That said.

-Get child support through the court. Go down and talk to the clerk and explain to him/her what your problem is ( no money)

-If he doesn't show, then you will be able to do a lot of things.

-Can he come back and petittion for visitation? YES

-Can he at one point decide he wants to be a part of the kid's life and do it legally? YES.

That is all. The rest is for another site. This site is for answers to your legal questions to the best of everyones abilities and experiences.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

Christ people, how about some LEGAL answers?

He has not seen my son since he was 3 months old, and recently told me that he was not going to pay child support anymore until I put his name on the birth certificate. He was sending $200.00 per month, but that was just what he could afford to pay and not court involved

And until a court finds that he is the legal father and awards you child support, he can send you $200, $2 or nothing at all. The child, at the present time, does not have a legal father.

I was told by an attorney to not place his name on the birth certificate until I have legal custody, and I explained that to my son's father and he threatened me and simply told me that he does not come around to see our son because he hates me. He has seen my son a total of two times, all before he was 3 months old. He did not send my son a Christmas card or gift, did not even attempt to come and see him, and the same failed appearance at my son's first birthday party, I told him and his mother that instead of gifts that I wished that they would come visit him so that he can know who they are.

The ONLY part of this paragraph that is relevant is what the attorney told you. And although you may have misunderstood, that statment, as you typed it, is wrong. A mother has natural and legal custody until a court takes that custody away. Just the opposite of a father, who must prove his paternity before the question of custody can be addressed.
The rest is irrelevant to any issue before the court.

I cannot afford the $4000.00 I need for attorney fees without saving up, I am a single mother...but he claims that he will go to court and that my young son that does not even know his father will have to travel every other month to visit him out of state since we do not get along

There is no such office in the state of Texas as Child Support Enforcement. You need to contact the State's Attorney General's office, which has Child Support Enforcement responsibilities for the state. Their website can be found here.

I asked him to get counseling with me, but he said I was trying to change him, and that my expectations of what kind of father he should be is the problem here.

Whether or not he goes for counseling is none of your business. Also, what kind of a father he "SHOULD" be is also none of your business nor under your control.
He is not your child, your husband nor your property. You can have expectations all you want, just as I am sure he does of you. But in the legal aspect of this situation, it matters not one bit. The child has a mother AND a father. That's all that matters to the court.

Will my son have to travel? And is there such a thing as abandonment of his son if he has no contact after a certain amount of time? I never hear from him at all to check on my son unless I am calling him.

Eventually yes, your son will be required to travel. Who pays for it and at what time in his life is both up to the court and the airlines. No domestic airline will allow a child to travel unaccompanied under the age of 5. However, you WILL face that soon enough.
As for the father "NEVER" contacting your son, you are wrong in the eyes of the law. In Family Law matters, child support IS CONSIDERED contact. So what if he never calls, visits or sends gifts is what the court will look at.

Also, something else you had better learn right up front. Just because you may receive child support in the future, until you file a legal action for Support in the courts, and until that action is culminated, you will receive nothing. And to be eligible for back support, an action MUST be filed.

In other words, if you wait, as your attorney suggested, you give up the right to claim any legal support. The clock does not start ticking until you file.

Also, something you'd better learn now. If and when custody, support and visitation are ordered, that means nothing as afar as "FORCING" him to be a father. Visitation is a right, NOT an obligation. So if he never shows up or speaks with the child or sends a gift but continues paying support, he has not legally abandonned the child.

Is that enough to chew on?

 

[blendedfamily]

I agree with what everyone has said but I think a topic was missed on visits...since the child is so young and hasn't had contact w/ dad I know the court has been known to start short visits the "getting to know you" visits that is something you should check into ... and that would make the visits not such a tramatic thing for a child so young. Then all would be happy...(for now) good luck..

 

[1sttimemommy]

I contacted the Attorney Generals office

I have started the needed paperwork

I guess I am disappointed in the way that he loves my son, but I cannot do anything about that

I just know that he had his mother call me to say that next month they are coming to take him overnight and they would get a hotel nearby, when I stated that they could come and visit and even stay here, but that they could not take him out of my sight until I had legal custody, they blew up and threatened to remove support and that's basically what has happened

I am a single mother that loves her son, and I find it hard to believe that any parent would not want to see thier own child, it's disturbing to say the least

 

[BelizeBreeze]

I contacted the Attorney Generals office

I have started the needed paperwork

I guess I am disappointed in the way that he loves my son, but I cannot do anything about that

I just know that he had his mother call me to say that next month they are coming to take him overnight and they would get a hotel nearby, when I stated that they could come and visit and even stay here, but that they could not take him out of my sight until I had legal custody, they blew up and threatened to remove support and that's basically what has happened

I am a single mother that loves her son, and I find it hard to believe that any parent would not want to see thier own child, it's disturbing to say the least

At this point you can tell momma that the child's father may see the child, but she has no dog in this fight and unless she would like to spend the time alone at the hotel while her son exercises his visitation at YOUR HOME, she may as well stay the hell home

 

[Phnx02]

First of all, you STOP RIGHT THERE!!! You did not push him out of your sons life!!!! You have no control over what he does. If he wants to see his son, then he will attempt to do so, regardless of what you guys are doing or saying to each other. Secondly, if his mother is paying support, then he will have to pay support, or he will end up in jail!! You didnt push him to be a father, he knew how to wear a condom, and he knew what the chances were when you guys got together! That is nothing but a cowardly excuse for him to say that to you!! It takes 2 to tango!! So quit listening to his excuses for not being there for his son, and quit listening to him blame you. You are not at fault in anyway for his actions. He either wants to see his son or he doesnt, and thats the way it is!!!!!!

How nice it is to hear such a straight- forward answer from a man without bashing the woman for "getting herself pregnant!"

 

[Phnx02]

I contacted the Attorney Generals office

I have started the needed paperwork

I guess I am disappointed in the way that he loves my son, but I cannot do anything about that

I just know that he had his mother call me to say that next month they are coming to take him overnight and they would get a hotel nearby, when I stated that they could come and visit and even stay here, but that they could not take him out of my sight until I had legal custody, they blew up and threatened to remove support and that's basically what has happened

I am a single mother that loves her son, and I find it hard to believe that any parent would not want to see thier own child, it's disturbing to say the least

Of course you're disappointed in the way your ex has handled faherhood. Babies are precious, innocent little beings, and it's hard to understand why one parent doesn't lavish the same love and attention on the child as you do. Unfortunately, this is not the board to get the emotional support you need. It is mainly a legal forum and many people responding to posts are angry and bitter (about their own situation) so enjoy bashing others when feelings come into play.

Your ex and his mother are playing games with you. They are threatening to stop support if you don't allow them to take the child for an unsupervised overnight visit. So call their bluff! Since they live out of state, there is a kidnap risk involved, and until your ex has established legal paternity, he has no rights whatsoever to the child. This risk isn't worth $200 a month. Hold your ground and tell him he cannot take the child until paternity and visitation has been established thru the courts....even if this means no more CS until then.

Be aware that once paternity and visitation has been established, he may very well be allowed to take the child out of state......immediately. I speak from experience in the state of TX. Of course, every case is different and it all depends on what the judge okays. But my case was very, very similiar and my ex was allowed to take our 9 month old son out of state for a week at a time....even though he hadn't ever seen his son before! However, since there was a kidnap/flight risk involved as well, he was ordered to place a $5,000 cash deposit with the courts and could only get this back once he returned the child as ordered.