What is the name of your state? CO
I am a father of two, and have custody of my daughter(16), but not my son(13). Sorry in advance for how long this is, but a touch of background is relevant.
My ex had (has?) sole custody of both my children since our divorce in '94. She was remarried a month after the divorce. Earlier this year, it came out that the man she married has been sexually abusing my daughter for over 10 years. He was of course immediately removed from the home by the police. Since that time, my daughter and her mother have fought on a daily basis. This fighting is primarily screaming and namecalling (by my ex), though it has once or twice gotten mildly violent (a slap and a shove, not much more). The fighting naturally causes a great deal of stress, which has started to have physical consequences for my daughter in the form of muscle spams so bad that they have displaced ribs.
Just recently, my daughter moved in with me. Her mother consented to this (though not very politely), and both DHS and my daughter's therapist were told of this consent by my ex herself. Currently, I am asking the court to make this legal by signing an order giving me sole legal and physical custody. My concern, however, is for my son's well-being, which is the reason for my request.
This past weekend, my daughter received a call from her younger sister, asking her to visit for a few minutes before they left town. (The younger sister is her mom's child, but not mine.) That short visit was essentially nothing more than a 15 minute scream-fest for my ex. She spent the whole time screaming at my daughter, telling her she was a liar and a horrible daughter and that she wasn't welcome there anymore. What's more, my ex pulled my son aside and coached him, in front of my daughter, on all the things he needed to be mad at his older sister for, and all the things she's done to hurt him.
I want to know if the following overview would constitute a viable reason to pursue having my ex declared unfit:
1. My ex has a new bf (who lives 60 miles north in another city). While this is fine by me, both my ex and her new beau are still legally married to others, though both have supposedly filed for divorce. My son and his younger sister are taken to his house for overnights several times a week. Both my son, and my daughter (when she lived with her mom) have reported that mom and the bf are quite loud at night when they are having sex.
2. When these overnights to happen, my son and his little sister are left alone in the mornings as both the ex and the bf work. There is no home phone, as the bf has only a cellphone, and my son is not familiar with the neighborhood beyond the front and back yard.
3. My ex calls my daughter when my wife and I are not around, and dumps piles of guilt on her (for moving, for breaking up her marriage by sleeping with her husband) and screams at her, usually calling her names and telling her what a disappointing daughter she is. While I have asked my daughter to reconsider answering these calls, she feels obligated to do so, as she genuinely keeps hoping that she can "make things better". My ex also coaches my son and his younger sister to call my daughter with the same guilt trips.
4. My son and daughter have both told me that my ex has absolutely nothing good to say about me. This would be fine, if she said nothing. However, both my kids report that my ex constantly degrades me to them. These include general comments (he's a horrible man, he doesn't love you, he's more interested in girlfriends than you, etc), and specific lies (he was violent with me, he raped and beat me, he brought other men in to rape me, he attacked me with knives, he hurt both of you before you were old enough to remember, etc). My daughter knows these are lies. First, because she remembers the times in question, and knows it didn't happen, and second, because she has caught her Mom telling other lies to her (mom's) bf that my daughter witnessed. My son, on the other hand, has heard all of this since he was one and a half, and doesn't know any better.
5. There has been some violence in the home, though not much. Both my kids have been slapped in the face a couple of times, and both have had their mother sit on them "to control them", on my son long enough to make him throw up.
DHS has visited the home a couple of times, primarily because of the sexual abuse that came out this year. However, both my daughter and her boyfriend (who was frequently in the home, and witnessed it firsthand) have reported that they were all coached and rewared by my ex for "proper" behavior during these visits.
I worry about my son's safety with this woman. She is always polite to my face, then turns into a raving anger-machine to the kids as soon as I am gone. I know that in a couple of years, my son will figure out the truth for himself as my daughter did. It's those couple of years that worry me, though. He is being so emotionally and mentally manipulated that he doesn't know what to feel on his own.
Do these situations, taken on the whole, warrant pursuing having my ex declared unfit? I know that a judge will ultimately decide her fitness, but I don't want to look foolish for taking things before the judge that he would find silly or frivolous.
Thanks in advance for any help and advice.
I am a father of two, and have custody of my daughter(16), but not my son(13). Sorry in advance for how long this is, but a touch of background is relevant.
My ex had (has?) sole custody of both my children since our divorce in '94. She was remarried a month after the divorce. Earlier this year, it came out that the man she married has been sexually abusing my daughter for over 10 years. He was of course immediately removed from the home by the police. Since that time, my daughter and her mother have fought on a daily basis. This fighting is primarily screaming and namecalling (by my ex), though it has once or twice gotten mildly violent (a slap and a shove, not much more). The fighting naturally causes a great deal of stress, which has started to have physical consequences for my daughter in the form of muscle spams so bad that they have displaced ribs.
Just recently, my daughter moved in with me. Her mother consented to this (though not very politely), and both DHS and my daughter's therapist were told of this consent by my ex herself. Currently, I am asking the court to make this legal by signing an order giving me sole legal and physical custody. My concern, however, is for my son's well-being, which is the reason for my request.
This past weekend, my daughter received a call from her younger sister, asking her to visit for a few minutes before they left town. (The younger sister is her mom's child, but not mine.) That short visit was essentially nothing more than a 15 minute scream-fest for my ex. She spent the whole time screaming at my daughter, telling her she was a liar and a horrible daughter and that she wasn't welcome there anymore. What's more, my ex pulled my son aside and coached him, in front of my daughter, on all the things he needed to be mad at his older sister for, and all the things she's done to hurt him.
I want to know if the following overview would constitute a viable reason to pursue having my ex declared unfit:
1. My ex has a new bf (who lives 60 miles north in another city). While this is fine by me, both my ex and her new beau are still legally married to others, though both have supposedly filed for divorce. My son and his younger sister are taken to his house for overnights several times a week. Both my son, and my daughter (when she lived with her mom) have reported that mom and the bf are quite loud at night when they are having sex.
2. When these overnights to happen, my son and his little sister are left alone in the mornings as both the ex and the bf work. There is no home phone, as the bf has only a cellphone, and my son is not familiar with the neighborhood beyond the front and back yard.
3. My ex calls my daughter when my wife and I are not around, and dumps piles of guilt on her (for moving, for breaking up her marriage by sleeping with her husband) and screams at her, usually calling her names and telling her what a disappointing daughter she is. While I have asked my daughter to reconsider answering these calls, she feels obligated to do so, as she genuinely keeps hoping that she can "make things better". My ex also coaches my son and his younger sister to call my daughter with the same guilt trips.
4. My son and daughter have both told me that my ex has absolutely nothing good to say about me. This would be fine, if she said nothing. However, both my kids report that my ex constantly degrades me to them. These include general comments (he's a horrible man, he doesn't love you, he's more interested in girlfriends than you, etc), and specific lies (he was violent with me, he raped and beat me, he brought other men in to rape me, he attacked me with knives, he hurt both of you before you were old enough to remember, etc). My daughter knows these are lies. First, because she remembers the times in question, and knows it didn't happen, and second, because she has caught her Mom telling other lies to her (mom's) bf that my daughter witnessed. My son, on the other hand, has heard all of this since he was one and a half, and doesn't know any better.
5. There has been some violence in the home, though not much. Both my kids have been slapped in the face a couple of times, and both have had their mother sit on them "to control them", on my son long enough to make him throw up.
DHS has visited the home a couple of times, primarily because of the sexual abuse that came out this year. However, both my daughter and her boyfriend (who was frequently in the home, and witnessed it firsthand) have reported that they were all coached and rewared by my ex for "proper" behavior during these visits.
I worry about my son's safety with this woman. She is always polite to my face, then turns into a raving anger-machine to the kids as soon as I am gone. I know that in a couple of years, my son will figure out the truth for himself as my daughter did. It's those couple of years that worry me, though. He is being so emotionally and mentally manipulated that he doesn't know what to feel on his own.
Do these situations, taken on the whole, warrant pursuing having my ex declared unfit? I know that a judge will ultimately decide her fitness, but I don't want to look foolish for taking things before the judge that he would find silly or frivolous.
Thanks in advance for any help and advice.
