Who Gets To Be The Dad?

[sunjulian]

In Connecticut,

My girlfriend and I split up earlier this year - been together about 6 years total. During the summer she dated a guy. They broke up and he took off. We got back together. A month later she is pregnant. The date of conception makes it very close - we do not know whether I am father or 'Dave' is. Dave also happens to be on the run from the law to make things more complicated.

Concerning the birth of the baby (next April) AND turns out to be 'Dave's - we want to know:

If he attempts to get custody what are our options?

What kind of roadblock does this put between Me being the legal father of the child-

Can I be the legal father if we get married? Do I need to adopt?

Will his contesting for custody affect the adoption process?

What are his chances (being on the run from the law) of getting any custody?


If you can answer even ONE of these questions I would be thrilled. Or if you have a link to a website that would lay it out for me.

Sunjulian

 

[Toniree]

I don't see why you don't just claim paternity. Put your name on the birth certificate and acknowledge parternity. If he left her, he probably doesn't even know that she is pregnant. If you really must know who the father is, then have the blood test done. It should be either yours or his. There are so many men that have to be chased down just for a little support. I doubt he is just going to walk back in to her life and say "I want to have a relationship with my child." If he does, let him proceed with getting blood test done after the fact. If your belief is that it could be your child as well, then just sign the papers. If it matters so much to know who the father is, then it sounds like you wouldn't take care of the child regardless of who the father is. Make this a child of love.

 

[sunjulian]

I didn't know I could just sign the birth certificate. I would sign it in a heartbeat if I did not fear that I would be falsifying information on it - which is to say I'm not 100% sure I'm the dad. The laws concerning birth certificates confuse me.

We are pretty sure the other guy knows that she's pregnant and thinks it's his - and we are certain that if this is the case, he will make an attempt - being on the lam or otherwise - for custody. Which frightens us both as WE want to be this child's parents. I intend to be this childs' father and couldn't care less whether it's mine or not. My girlfriend found out late in life who her real father was and it is an enormous issue for her - an outlook I do not share but respect in her heart. We just want to protect ourselves legally from 'him' down the road - also to do the 'right thing' to which I refer allowing our child to know his true parentage.

Thanks for the your time in replying here. I really appreciate it.

 

[Kelly143]

If the two of you are married when the child is born, he/she will be considered a child of the marriage and you will automatically be the legl father. If he wants to prove paternity, it will be up to him to take your girlfriend (who would then be your wife) to court and get an order for a paternity test. He would then get visitation (PROBABLY NOT custody) and be liable for child support. If your name is on the birth certificate, and you split up later, you will be liable for child support. But thankfully, it doesn't sound like that is a concern for you. I think it is great that you want this child, even if it might not be yours. Good Luck!

 

[newgirlfriend]

Something to think about

When my mother was a baby, grandmother left the father and remarried. My mother was brought up believing that her father was her real father. A 4th grade class mate spilled the beans. That was more hurtful having been decieved for all these years. She always wondered of her real dad, though she loved her dad dearly

She never pursued finding him b/c she knew it would devestate her parents. My father tracked him down while on a business trip 4 years ago and showed him pictures and talked with him briefly. He also found about that he was dying and was eat up with diabeties ( important info for my mother and her children)

After he died, one of his daughters tracked my mother back down and my mother reunited with her bio fathers family ( aunts, cousins, his wife that he married after my grandmother)

Sadly my mother has to keep this relationship a secret b/c my gandparents claim that "those people wanted doing to do with my mother when she was a baby) My mother has heard otherwise but she refuses to get caught up in what happened in the past.

Running from the law or not, if he concieved this child then he has a right to be a part of the childs life. He should not be denied that chance to be a father ( even if just through visitation) The mother of my BF daughter is not fit to raise a turtle but she is the mother and I have to respect that. People who want to deny parents their rights don't know what it feels like to have a child kept from you b/c if they did then they would not do it.

My BF always tells me that there is no love like the love of a child. He and the mother had a history of about only 3 months but as soon as he knew he helped create life, he dedicted himself to being a good father, depite the mothers attempts to destroy any relationship b/w father and daughter

So think about the medical aspect of this, it is soo important to be able to know a parents medical history. In addition too, what about his family who may want to be apart of this child's life. And...there is always a possibilty that she will find out the truth and no matter what reason you use, there is a possiblity of her feeling deceived and she may want to meet her bio father anyway.

My BF's daughters mother said that she "just did not want to share their daughter" It is so ridiculous because now that he has visitation ( soon JC) she has double the love, affection, attention, not to mention the material things.

You sound like you are willingly to allow him that right and to allow the child to know her/his true parentage, so you have surely thought about everything that I mentioned.

Just follow your heart, every case is different, every situation is different

Just something to think about..
Good Luck

 

[sunjulian]

Thanks for all your advice.

I am willing to allow this guy to participate in the childs life and I also want the child to know it's true parentage and not have the 'beans spilled' somewhere down the road. With reagard to this guy inparticular though, we fear he would kidnapp the child - it is kind of his style - so visitations will be tricky. Also we fear his availability as far as DNA or medical history is concerend is subject to his being on the run and HIS sense of contacting us which is sporadic and mysterious.

Anyway your advice is very good and I will print it out for my girlfriend to read with me.

Sunjulian

 

[newgirlfriend]

Sunjulian

Thanks for not commenting on the bitterness in my response. My reply was based on personal experience. I am sure that there are stories out there opposite of mine. Some Bio parents do more harm than good. But the law gives them that right to try'and exercise their rights.

More than anything, medical history should be stressed. Diseases from his side of the family and so forth.

I applaud you for wanting to step up to the plate. As the girlfriend in this situation, my 'place' has been questioned tremendously. (though our situation is different)

Good luck to you and hope that it works out. (Maybe the baby is yours after all!)

 

[Toniree]

Newgirlfriend:

No one ever said for him to cut the guy out of the child's life. His question was "Who gets to be Dad?" His chances of being the dad is also 50%, so why not claim the child from the beginning? I have two children who's father doesn't see him (his choice because I am against that). My husband has been raising them since they were one (they are now 5). It is also detrimental to the child because I don't want to say "your real father doesn't want to see you." That will make them resentful at too early an age. Sunjulian should simply claim the child. If the other guy (we don't know if he is the real father) never comes around, the child might be left with a birthcertificate that says Unknown. That doesn't look good on the mother's part either.

I simply say, claim the baby. If the other guy wants to have blood test done, then let him. The birth certificate can be changed later if it turns out that Sunjulian is not the father.

 

[crystal2]

Quote: "The mother of my BF daughter is not fit to raise a turtle but she is the mother and I have to respect that. "

Ha ha, good one newgirlfriend. Thanks for the laugh!