• FreeAdvice has a new Terms of Service and Privacy Policy, effective May 25, 2018.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our Terms of Service and use of cookies.

Wife wants husbands dv3 charge dropped after small argument

Accident - Bankruptcy - Criminal Law / DUI - Business - Consumer - Employment - Family - Immigration - Real Estate - Tax - Traffic - Wills   Please click a topic or scroll down for more.

Dustinr13

Member
I was just charged with domestic violence 3rd with never any trouble whatsover with the law, We love each very much with 3 kids, it was just a bad night for us both. We both regret our actions and she refused to press charges because she knows it was just a random bad situation but now we dont know to do or what will happen and feels like the whole system is being thrown at me and us with dhr involved somehow , as i said ive never been in trouble at all with the law and i dont know where to start. We both want this to go away so we can get back to our family, any advice
 


CdwJava

Senior Member
I was just charged with domestic violence 3rd with never any trouble whatsover with the law, We love each very much with 3 kids, it was just a bad night for us both. We both regret our actions and she refused to press charges because she knows it was just a random bad situation but now we dont know to do or what will happen and feels like the whole system is being thrown at me and us with dhr involved somehow , as i said ive never been in trouble at all with the law and i dont know where to start. We both want this to go away so we can get back to our family, any advice
What state are you in? Domestic Violence laws vary by state, so this is important to know.

In general, the state doesn't care whether the victim wants to pursue criminal charges or not. The decision on charges is the sole purview of the state (the prosecutor's office). If the evidence is clear, and it's a first time offense for you, then it's likely you'll be offered some form of diversion (usually probation and anger management, but the details vary by state and jurisdiction).

Understand that "loving" one another means diddly. Having 3 kids could make matters worse since most states automatically open a CPS investigation when DV is involved in a home with children. DV is not an accident - it's a decision. One or both of you chose a course of action that led to this. You should probably seek the advice of an attorney ASAP! DV can have longstanding consequences both on your freedom, finances, and the ability to be employed in certain fields - not to mention the ability to ever own or possess a firearm.
 

Dustinr13

Member
Current state is Alabama

We both know the it was wrong for us both to act the way we did. Im prior military with an upstanding background, now my mother has our children pending 45 day evaluation of progress. There is no protective order or anything just a court date for me in 3 months. Lifes literally the same as usual, we just dont have our kids at home with us. We can go see them any day we want we just cant stay the night. I admitted i got out of hand and accepted blame but i wasnt beating on her or anything and she even said that to the police. I know i was in the wrong no matter the situation because she is my best friend and i love her and i did have a little bit to drink. But it wasnt as bad as it is being portrayed. Regardless i feel like couples therapy and/or anger management and sobriety for me could be a blessing in disguise for our family. I just cant go to jail over something like this, my family needs me home. We just feel extremely lost, and wish that night never happened and do not hold anything against each other because we both said things we didnt mean. How a great 13 yr marriage and family can go down the drain over something so trivial. Neither one of us know how to fix this for each other
 

CdwJava

Senior Member
Current state is Alabama

We both know the it was wrong for us both to act the way we did. Im prior military with an upstanding background, now my mother has our children pending 45 day evaluation of progress.
Was that court ordered? Recommended by CPS? Something you're doing on your own?

I admitted i got out of hand and accepted blame but i wasnt beating on her or anything and she even said that to the police. I know i was in the wrong no matter the situation because she is my best friend and i love her and i did have a little bit to drink. But it wasnt as bad as it is being portrayed.
Maybe not, but I have heard the statement, "It wasn't that bad," literally a hundred times and very often it was. Not always, but, enough.

If you enter into counseling as a result of this, understand that acknowledging you were wrong is not the entire battle, you also need to own the act and work to identify the how and why of it, and work towards preventing it from happening again. It also will require introspection as you evaluate previous incidents that either did or could have gotten out of control. You may well find that you have some serious life changes to make - perhaps abstaining from alcohol.

Be open to the counseling, and to changes that might be required. There's too much at risk to be dismissive.

Regardless i feel like couples therapy and/or anger management and sobriety for me could be a blessing in disguise for our family.
That's the usual result for a first offense. Your attorney could give you a better picture of the options and likely outcomes for your state and jurisdiction.

I just cant go to jail over something like this, my family needs me home. We just feel extremely lost, and wish that night never happened and do not hold anything against each other because we both said things we didnt mean. How a great 13 yr marriage and family can go down the drain over something so trivial. Neither one of us know how to fix this for each other
DV is NOT "trivial." Using that word concerns me because it indicates a tendency to downplay what happened and you cannot afford to do that - not from a legal sense, nor a practical one. I've responded to "trivial" DVs that eventually ballooned into serious violent acts involving maiming, hospitalizations, and even death. The one thing many of those incidents had in common was that the earliest incidents were dismissed by the victim and the suspect as being an aberration, a mistake, and even "trivial" when, in fact, an objective evaluation would see them as clues of a much deeper problem or problems.

As I mentioned, do not be dismissive of the issue. Strive to be better and change whatever systemic problems might exist at home, work, and in your relationship that contributed to this recent conflagration, and learn to do better and be better.
 

Dustinr13

Member
Literally within 30 minutes of DHR driving up and an hour after the argument, she walked up and made me sign papers for it to happen. Even my wife couldnt believe it. Because i was drinking i believe she is putting me on color code, which is fine because i want to quit anyways. And i agree nothing is trivial when children are around. I just know we never have had any issues like this, there were recent underlying issues that i found out about that upset me, but that wasnt the problem, my wife has had a not so easy path when it comes to jail for bad decisions in her distant past and even though we both were involved in this because of escalation, i took it all because i knew if she got in trouble at all it wouldnt be good for her in the end, like i said this really wasnt physical to our person, it was more loudness, waking neighbors, insults,. Just a childish way to handle the situation that feels like it just ballooned out of proportion. Now they have me feeling like a criminal with no hope. We both immediately regretted it when they pulled up because we know from most cases like this one if not both always go to jail.
 

Dustinr13

Member
And i was just fixing to sign up for college with my g.i. bill after switching to a new job after 6 yrs at another. Now we feel like we dont know where to go from here. We are both crushed. Its great we have each other like we do, but we just feel like all the legal ramifications of this is gotten to overwhelm our family after all the work we put into get here. I know that "we" had the argument. But We both feel like it took a much stronger course than was needed under the circumstances. I also the police have to do there jobs... it was a mistake for sure, but it just feels like you cant even make a marriage mistake without facing the system trying to break a family down rather than help them build themselves up as a better one.
 

CdwJava

Senior Member
The "meat grinder" is there because up until about 25 years ago, the laws were geared to support the abusers and never took into account the mental state of the victim and their inability to follow through with prosecution or even testimony. About 75% of victims will recant their testimony, and almost half of those will willingly lie to protect their abuser. Policies and practices have changed along with the law to try and plug the holes that existed in the law and the needs of the victim and the families. If you follow through with the program that is likely ahead of you, you may be able to have the offense expunged (depending on the laws in your state). Hopefully you will both come out better as a result of this.

I have been at this long enough to see the death and the mayhem that resulted in the old days, and that still happens as victims deny what has happened. I spent decades working with victims and suspects, and have seen some success stories, and a few utter failures ... and attended the autopsies of some of those failures.

We always have a choice in our actions. You made a poor choice the night of the incident and this is the end result. Now, you can either choose to learn from this incident, or, consider yourself a victim of the system. Hopefully, you will make a new decision to come out better at the other end of this.
 

commentator

Senior Member
Take a hint here. All your self serving posturing and trying out of "I'm an innocent victim of the system, being abused in this terrible way...." isn't flying with the volunteers on this site, in fact, it's a bit gag inducing. And it won't work a BIT more in court. Show the court some serious time spend improving yourself before your court date, not just continued whining about how this innocent little incident got blown all out of proportion which blames everyone but yourself and your wife, including the police, the courts, the laws and the pandemic, and accepts very little responsibility for it yourself.

I once knew (very well, in fact) a model man who was so good, so helpful, so ready to do the right thing, until you added even ONE TABLESPOON of alcohol to the mix, who then turned into a monster, who not only did terrible things, but didn't really remember them, and so was SO persuasive about arguing they were "very minor" or that they never happened, or he was just misunderstood, or someone had it in for him. You need to stop drinking, get yourself straightened out, on line counseling perhaps, and then when you go to court, you'll have something to talk about besides how unfair it is that you got this charge for this teensy weensy little situation. If it was all that tiny, great, maybe it's a high bottom for you and your children will never have to go through it again once this is resolved.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Certainly might be me, but:

  • Domestic violence in the third degree. Third-degree domestic violence occurs where the defendant commits the crimes of third-degree assault, menacing, reckless endangerment, criminal coercion, harassment, criminal surveillance, harassing communications, third-degree criminal trespass, second- or third-degree criminal mischief, or third-degree arson.
(from https://www.criminaldefenselawyer.com/resources/criminal-defense/domestic-violence/alabama-domestic-violence-laws-charges-penalti - I'm not going to go to a high level of research, sorry) sounds like a tad more occurred than loudness, waking neighbors, insults...

like i said this really wasnt physical to our person, it was more loudness, waking neighbors, insults,.
How old are the children? They were presumably at home?
 

Just Blue

Senior Member
And i was just fixing to sign up for college with my g.i. bill after switching to a new job after 6 yrs at another. Now we feel like we dont know where to go from here. We are both crushed. Its great we have each other like we do, but we just feel like all the legal ramifications of this is gotten to overwhelm our family after all the work we put into get here. I know that "we" had the argument. But We both feel like it took a much stronger course than was needed under the circumstances. I also the police have to do there jobs... it was a mistake for sure, but it just feels like you cant even make a marriage mistake without facing the system trying to break a family down rather than help them build themselves up as a better one.
Assaulting someone, especially your wife/children that you are supposed to love and protect, is not a "mistake". If your wife was walking down the street and some random man approached her and punched/slapped/knocked her to the ground, would you look upon his actions as a trivial matter ad just a mistake or would you want the state to prosecute for the hurt and harm done to your wife?

And you and only you are responsible for "breaking the family down". You need mental health assistance because you don't seem to understand how terrible what you did to your wife and children is. You terrorized your wife to the point that she called the police...or was it one of the children that called because s/he was scared because you were hitting mommy?
 

Shadowbunny

Queen of the Not-Rights
And i was just fixing to sign up for college with my g.i. bill after switching to a new job after 6 yrs at another. Now we feel like we dont know where to go from here. We are both crushed. Its great we have each other like we do, but we just feel like all the legal ramifications of this is gotten to overwhelm our family after all the work we put into get here. I know that "we" had the argument. But We both feel like it took a much stronger course than was needed under the circumstances. I also the police have to do there jobs... it was a mistake for sure, but it just feels like you cant even make a marriage mistake without facing the system trying to break a family down rather than help them build themselves up as a better one.
Dustin, just stop. The "system" isn't trying to break your family down. You and your wife were fighting loudly enough that concerned neighbors called the cops. Do you understand how terrifying that would have been for your children? Do you? This was not a "mistake." You and your drunken wife couldn't behave like adults and have a rational conversation. Instead, you had to yell and scream SO LOUDLY that the neighbors heard. And the neighbors were concerned enough to call the police. And good on them. You are in serious denial of how THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. Not "the system", not the neighbors, not the booze. This is YOUR FAULT. So start acting like it. Get in treatment, now. Not because you have to for the courts, because you obviously need to.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Dustin, just stop. The "system" isn't trying to break your family down. You and your wife were fighting loudly enough that concerned neighbors called the cops. Do you understand how terrifying that would have been for your children? Do you? This was not a "mistake." You and your drunken wife couldn't behave like adults and have a rational conversation. Instead, you had to yell and scream SO LOUDLY that the neighbors heard. And the neighbors were concerned enough to call the police. And good on them. You are in serious denial of how THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. Not "the system", not the neighbors, not the booze. This is YOUR FAULT. So start acting like it. Get in treatment, now. Not because you have to for the courts, because you obviously need to.
Although, I didn't get the impression that the wife was drunk. Her transgression was apparently letting duncan know she has a legal "history".
 

Find the Right Lawyer for Your Legal Issue!

Fast, Free, and Confidential
data-ad-format="auto">
Top