will a child be forced

[vik95]

What is the name of your state? New Jersey

If a child 8 1/2 years old doesn't want to visit with her father alone because she is uncomfortable with him - but cannot articulate why she is uncomfortable would she be forced to visit.

Counseling was ordered in our divorce creed 2 years ago - my ex-husband did not follow through with the orders to pick a counselor out of the 4 names I was to supply him with.

Now 2 years later - he has filed a motion (in the same state, New Jersey that the divorce creed was issued in) for 2 nights every other weekend - every other holiday, 1 week in June and 2 weeks in August. How can he ask for this kind of visitation schedule when she has never gone with him alone - even for a day.

Our daughter has never gone on a visit with him alone - she is very apprehensive about it. Either my sister has gone - this is what the judge ordered and then when she no longer could give up her time to accomodate - I would go along which was not pleasant to be with my ex - I only went for our daughter's sake.
My ex refuses to talk to me or acknowledge me. I have since remarried and my husband fully supports my position and loves my daughter as his own.

My ex, will not say hello to me when he calls or when he would come up to see our daughter. I believe he is very angry that I divorced him.

The past 6 months - I was not able to accomodate and go on any visits because I was pregnant and not feeling well - so my daughter would only go if a friend of hers would go too. There were numerous times when my ex would not come at all because he refused to come pick up our daughter at her home. He wanted her dropped off at McDonald's and he would pick her up there. This only added to our daughter's hesitations about going with him. So I refused to accomodate. The visits where he would come to our home would take place at a mall, movie, pool in her hometown and would last about 4-5hours.

Our daughter would invite him into our home so she could show him things of hers and he would refuse. He would drop her off at the doorstop.

I believe the judge will reinstate what the original order states - and that is to go for family counseling.

Won't it look bad for my ex though - because it's been 2 years and he has not taken any steps to better understand why our daughter is having trouble being with him? He has ignored the order to go for family counseling. I believe he has ignored this order because he is to drive up to my home area for the sessions which is 2 1/2 hours away and he is responsible for 75% of the cost. He also believes I am to blame for why she doesn't want to go with him.

He tried to have the sessions where he lives and the judge denied his request.

For the past 2 years that we have been divorced he has been indifferent and inconsistent in asking to see our daughter. He calls sometimes and then doesn't call for weeks.

Does the court consider all of these factors - When we separated he said it was his right to have his daughter overnight - she was just 4 years old at the time - he said she should be forced to go with him even though she would cry.

I couldn't pry her from my arms to get her into his car that's how bad it was when she was young - so I refused to do it his way - the forcing way. He was so sure that a judge would force her - but instead he ordered family counseling to understand our daughter's fears, hesitations about going with her dad alone.
And also to help her overcome them.

Pending counseling, visits with him were to take place with a 3rd party present.

The judge ordered counseling and then stated that after 3 months of counseling either party could request that the therapist issue a report.

Nothing has ever hurt me more than the thought of my daughter having to be forced to go with her dad before she is ready. What makes it difficult also is the fact that he lives 2 1/2 hours away.

Any info or advice??

I already posted a message in regards to this sensitive matter - but I wanted to add more details to shed more light on the issue.

Thanks

 

[nextwife]

Sorry. I disagree with your whole approach. This child is also his.

4 year olds often have trouble with transitions. Crying and screaming when you first leave them at day care, or at kindergarten. And five minutes you leave they are fine. Had you given him and daughter time together- without you, from the beginning, when he asked for it, at age 4, you wouldn't have this problem now. Never allowing father and daughter their own time together all these years? That's BS. You CAN"T foster a relationship that way. Yes, kids cry at age 4. They cry when they go to school or day camp the first time. THey cry if you leave them with a sitter. And they get over it very fast. Perpetuating this seperation is the absolute opposite of what should be done. I have a PI kid with big time seperation issues, and the best way to deal with it is to be firm about them going, and allowing them to then see that that you are still there fior them when the visit is over. They need to know that being seperated is ok, they will be fine and see you when the visits over.

Before she's ready? She's already 8 1/2. When should he wait until, he's 18? C'mon, it's way past time.

 

[vik95]

So I guess then when a pediatrician and 2 reputable counselors stated that it would traumatize our daughter to force her - they didn't know what they were talking about.

I think you don't know what you are talking about - next time please don't reply to any of my posts since we do not see eye to eye. Don't waste your time or mine.

And for the cursing - save it for a chat line where maybe it is overlooked - but you cheapen the standard of this web site with your profanity.

 

[lissa68]

You asked for replies.................

I unfortunatly agree with her post. She seem to hit it on the nail.

A father has as much right to be with his child as you do.

Sounds to me like you are trying to omit him out of the childs life, if the is legitimate eveidence that that child should not, that would be legal, and a judge orders it, then yes, by all means. But if the father is allowed to see the child, by whatever arrangments, he should be allowed to exercise his time. If you can't do it, find somebody to do it. You not accomidating him is not right either.

He can file it, he has every right to do it.

But sounds to me if the child invites the father in to see "her" things, she must not be too afraid to be with him.

Try to work with the father instead of against him.

Two parents, bio mom and bio dad are best, that's my take on it. If for some reason bio mom and bio dad are not a viable option then so be it.

For whatever reason you feel this cannot work, you need to be able to prove it, but it seems you would rather your child be with your new hubby, the step-dad, more than her bio father.

JMO.


Lissa68

 

[kat1963]

Your post to nextwife makes it clear to me the reason WHY he does NOT want to go to your home or even say hello to you. Drop the childish, vindictive, self-righteous attitude & behave like a mature PARENT for heavens sake.

You should also be made aware that interference with the non custodial parents visitation is a sure fire way to lose custody.

KAT

 

[kel4377]

vik95, I understand what you're going through. Why force a child if they're scared, or like in my situation, if they don't even know who the father is. Yes, 2 parents is a wonderful thing, but when one isn't giving 100% to be a parent, what can you do? Have you tried sitting down with your ex to talk, just the two of you? Obviously from what you say, he won't talk to you, but there has to be some form of communication. Maybe the lack of communication is making things worse for your daughter. I'm sure she probably sees how he doesn't talk to you, how you two probably don't say two words to eachother. That's probably making her not want to go with him because she sees how he's treating you.

 

[stealth2]

I'm afraid both nextmom and lissa are absolutely correct. There is court-ordered visitation. Your daughter does not get to decide if she goes or not. Nor do you. If you are unable to supervise the visitation - it is up to YOU to find someone who will and to facilitate that visitation. Should he take this to court, you will very likely be found in contempt. Yes, he should be doing the family counseling - but his not doing so does not trump your need to facilitate the supervised visitation. Tread carefully here.

And sorry - but when you post to a public forum, you need to be aware that not all responses will see eye to eye with you. You're going to find out what your legal rights and obligations are, whether you like the responses or not.