Would this qualify as a change

[backhoe]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Colorado

2 children, girl-15 and boy-12. They live with their mother 1500 miles away. This has been the case for 4 years. I try, but we have a bad co-parenting relationship. I have EO holiday and most of the summer.

Most of what I think would be a case for a change in custody are things I hear from the kids. I don't ask them and when they tell me things, I change the subject but I remember. I could also write a book with things I know about but have no hard evidence.

I think my lawyer could get her work records but that isn't the real problem, it is what she does after work, leaving them alone most nights.

They see their mother in the morning because she has to take them to school and sometimes they see her after school right before she goes to work and she works until 11 or 12 at night.

The change in circumstance would be their school grades and attendance. Some of my daughter's grades have dropped dramatically. She is in mostly Honors classes. She had all As last school year.

By semester;

Econ 94-43
Eng 89-76
Sci 90-92
Span 90-85
Drama 94-83
Alg 98-98
PE 77

These grade correspond to how much homework was assigned and not done vs. class work. She rarely gets less than 100% on class work but in the 2nd semester didn't turn in any homework.

I asked her why and she said it was because she was really stressed and couldn't make herself do anything. ??

My son had smaller drops and seemed to recover but it was through the year.

Eng 79-82-92
Alg 96-88-89
Speech 97-84-97
Tech 89
Art 79-92-92
Soc St 99-92-96
Sci 83-77-93
French 100

They missed (D) 13.5 and (S) 9.5 days of school and 18 and 22 tardies, 6 unexcused and 8 unexcused absences and 6 unexcused tardies and 15 unexcused tardies. Both were absent together on 8 of those days.

This probably doesn't count but they have to share a bedroom.

As for me being the best custodial parent: I have worked for the same company for 10 years, I just bought a house which might show that I am stable and able to keep them in the same school district (They have attended school in 4 different districts since they left here and she says she's moving again.) I am home around 5 everyday and all weekend and most of my liesure activities include them.

I didn't realize this was so long.

 

[Zigner]

What have you done to encourage/help the children do better on their homework?

 

[CJane]

You have kids that are essentially A/B students, one of whom is faltering a little, but is also taking honors classes, and you want to use their grades as a change in circumstances?

I would be a bit concerned with them needing to share a room because of the gender difference and need for privacy, but that's not a huge issue either. My kids HAVE bedrooms, but they never sleep in them. One of them could be crashing on the couch or in Mom's room if she's never there.

And at their ages, Mom working the night shift and getting home at 11 or 12 isn't a big deal.

Sorry Dad. Doesn't look to me like a change in circumstances, and certainly nothing that would equate to a change in custody.

 

[backhoe]

What have you done to encourage/help the children do better on their homework?

I always encourage them to do well in school and when they have access to a phone they call and ask questions for homework. During the time when they had the worst grades were the times when they didn't have phone access. If they didn't live so far away, I could do more.

 

[Zigner]

I always encourage them to do well in school and when they have access to a phone they call and ask questions for homework. During the time when they had the worst grades were the times when they didn't have phone access. If they didn't live so far away, I could do more.

And you feel that uprooting them from their home, friends & community will help this improve...how?

 

[backhoe]

You have kids that are essentially A/B students, one of whom is faltering a little, but is also taking honors classes, and you want to use their grades as a change in circumstances?

I would be a bit concerned with them needing to share a room because of the gender difference and need for privacy, but that's not a huge issue either. My kids HAVE bedrooms, but they never sleep in them. One of them could be crashing on the couch or in Mom's room if she's never there.

And at their ages, Mom working the night shift and getting home at 11 or 12 isn't a big deal.

Sorry Dad. Doesn't look to me like a change in circumstances, and certainly nothing that would equate to a change in custody.

Yes, but from an A to an F? And yes, High School grades are important for college. They are both smart but it looks like they could use some extra guidance.

It isn't the job, per se, it is that they see her less than an hour each day. There is no guidance or encouragement. They have no social life, no activities. They go home most days to an empty house and they remain alone until the bars close or the parties are over.

My kids also often choose not to sleep in their own rooms. If we're watching a movie we all get a blanket and a pillow and crash in the living room but they have their own rooms where their belongings are and where they can have quiet and private time. They can have sleepovers too.

 

[backhoe]

And you feel that uprooting them from their home, friends & community will help this improve...how?

They have been constantly uprooted from their homes, schools and friends for 4 years. They have been in 2 different towns, 4 different neighborhoods, 4 different schools. Their mother says she is going to move again while they are here.

It is only with me that they have constancy, the same friends every summer. I have friends who pick them up and take them swimming, shopping, or whatever they and their children are doing when I am at work.

 

[stealth2]

She's just finished her freshman year, right? It's not really unusual for there to be an issue with homework, grades, etc. I went through it with both of mine. I've always been very hands off wrt homework/studying - I've made them own their work and the results thereof, while making sure that they understood the natural consequences of not doing well. One semester isn't going to do much in terms of changing custody.

If they're going to be with you this summer, have a serious talk with each of them about how important it is to do well, and how dropping the ball will affect their future opportunities.

 

[Ohiogal]

You state you have a bad coparenting relationship with their mother. That could be contributing to the stress level. Have you tried talking to your children about why they are stressed -- it could be friends, boys/girls, or you.

Try improving your relationship with their mother and talking to her civilly. It takes work but attempt to do so and you may find that the best help for your children.

 

[mistoffolees]

Yes, but from an A to an F? And yes, High School grades are important for college. They are both smart but it looks like they could use some extra guidance.

Stop. Take a deep breath. Ask yourself "what's best for the kids"?

Now, let's look at the facts. There's only one course for the two students which is a serious enough drop to be very concerned about - Econ for the girl which dropped to an F and English which went from B to C. All the rest are still B or better - and some didn't change at all (one went up).

Besides, there are lots of other reasons why there might be a drop in one course. Maybe she hates the teacher. Maybe she's simply having trouble with the concepts and would benefit from a tutor.

Why do you have 2 sets of grades for the daughter and 3 for your son? That sure makes it look like you're playing games.

She's stressed out? Too bad. You'd be doing her a lot more good if you teach her coping skills rather than uprooting her life. Looks like the boy is actually doing better now than before - maybe he's learned some coping skills.

I can't see that you're going to get away with arguing that it's a change in circumstances when the boy's grades are just fine and the girl is doing OK in most subjects. Get her some counseling or tutoring (or both) and teach her that life isn't always a bowl of cherries.

 

[backhoe]

She's just finished her freshman year, right? It's not really unusual for there to be an issue with homework, grades, etc. I went through it with both of mine. I've always been very hands off wrt homework/studying - I've made them own their work and the results thereof, while making sure that they understood the natural consequences of not doing well. One semester isn't going to do much in terms of changing custody.

If they're going to be with you this summer, have a serious talk with each of them about how important it is to do well, and how dropping the ball will affect their future opportunities.

I do have them this summer, I have talked to them. In both cases school personnel intervened and my daughter spent time talking to a counselor even though her mother has forbidden her to she felt desperate to talk to someone.

I don't know how I feel about this and I don't think I get any say in it but she was also counselling with her maternal great aunt who is a psychologist w/o her mother's knowledge or permission, over the phone. I don't know how ethical it is and I had nothing to do with it.

As I said in the beginning, it isn't just the grades, it is the whole lifestyle, the neglect, the emotional abuse, the neglect. The serial relationships, the moves.

I am not wanting to be punitive, I truly think that living with me and having stability and guidance is the best place for them. It is a big step to think of being the primary parent to 2 teenagers, I was one once. I don't approach it without trepidation.

Do you know how happy I would be if just once I talked to them and they weren't crying and telling me how unhappy they were? I hear them talk to their mother occasionally when they are with me and it is totally different. I would love to hear them tell me that they just didn't have time to call me because they were happily busy with their lives. It is unnatural to need to talk to your father for 2 hours 3 times a week and they don't do that when they are here and they don't call their mother at all, she calls them and they talk 3 minutes tops. I want them to be happy and healthy with their mother. I want them to love her. I just don't think they are getting what they need, not physically, emotionally, nutritionally, educationally, not in any area at all.

I don't want to spend time and money on a lawyer, I just truly think that I am the better parent at this time.

 

[stealth2]

The problem is - you don't have a change in circumstance. And besides the grades, you really can't prove anything. Even if she works until 11/12 at night, the 15yo is old enough to keep an eye on her brother until then.

One option, of course, would be for you to move closer to your kids, so they'd have the advantage of being close to both of their parents...

 

[backhoe]

You state you have a bad coparenting relationship with their mother. That could be contributing to the stress level. Have you tried talking to your children about why they are stressed -- it could be friends, boys/girls, or you.

Try improving your relationship with their mother and talking to her civilly. It takes work but attempt to do so and you may find that the best help for your children.

I have tried to have a better co-parenting relationship, all she does is yell at me if I ask questions even ordinary, non-accusatory questions.

I wish they had some friends, so yes, lack of friends and what you would call "a life" could certainly contribute to their stress. They sometimes become friendly with their mother's friends but soon they are out of their lives because their mother cannot sustain a relationship with anyone. Not in her family or her co-workers or friendships. It is why she has to move so often, she alienates everyone so she has to move to a new job, a new place and start again.

How would you feel if you had to come home from work or school and be stuck in the house until you left again for school in the morning? Day after day often without a phone. Thank goodness, she often sends them to stay with her mother on weekends but when she doesn't it is the whole weekend stuck indoors, together, by themselves.

They live in a high crime area and are afraid to go out and there is no outdoor space for them in the apartment complex. It has a pool and a gym but they can't use them unless they are with an adult.

 

[backhoe]

Stop. Take a deep breath. Ask yourself "what's best for the kids"?

Now, let's look at the facts. There's only one course for the two students which is a serious enough drop to be very concerned about - Econ for the girl which dropped to an F and English which went from B to C. All the rest are still B or better - and some didn't change at all (one went up).

Besides, there are lots of other reasons why there might be a drop in one course. Maybe she hates the teacher. Maybe she's simply having trouble with the concepts and would benefit from a tutor.

She hated the teacher in the beginning when she got the good grade and came to love her as the year progressed and got the bad grade. I have to agree with the majority of the grades being good and her algebra teacher kept asking if she had actually had the class before.

Why do you have 2 sets of grades for the daughter and 3 for your son? That sure makes it look like you're playing games.[/QUOTE]

My son had 3 Trimesters while my daughter had 2 Semesters.

She's stressed out? Too bad. You'd be doing her a lot more good if you teach her coping skills rather than uprooting her life. Looks like the boy is actually doing better now than before - maybe he's learned some coping skills.[/QUOTE]

I know it is coping skills that are holding her back, she's a teenage girl but she has no-one on a daily basis to guide her, teach her and console her. My mother used to tell us "There are a******** in this world, deal with it.", I understand and have tried to make her understand that dealing is life, it will never be perfect and adversity and learning to deal with it makes you stronger. I tell her to look at the bright side. I give her examples of what she can do.

I can't see that you're going to get away with arguing that it's a change in circumstances when the boy's grades are just fine and the girl is doing OK in most subjects. Get her some counseling or tutoring (or both) and teach her that life isn't always a bowl of cherries.[/QUOTE]

With my son's IQ and love of learning he should be getting better grades and if you see, his drop was in the 2nd Trimester and his teachers and a counselor intervened.

 

[backhoe]

The problem is - you don't have a change in circumstance. And besides the grades, you really can't prove anything. Even if she works until 11/12 at night, the 15yo is old enough to keep an eye on her brother until then.

One option, of course, would be for you to move closer to your kids, so they'd have the advantage of being close to both of their parents...

I would love to move closer to them but I have not been able to find a job where I can pay the amount of child support I pay and still afford to live.