Wrong Address

[summerdawn]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ca

I found out last week that the address dad and stepmom gave me for the last 6 months was not theirs. They moved to a completely different place. My 8 year old memorized their address and gave it to me. I thought something was weird when the kids were coming home describing a house that was different from the one I knew they lived in previously. Well, just to be sure, after wondering for several months if they [stepmom and dad] were lying, and the kids coming home describing completely different surroundings, I drove by the address the kids gave me one evening after work hours and there was stepmom's car in front of the house. The kids were in the car and they confirmed that this was, indeed, dad's house. Then they went to visit today and told her that they had given me the real address. According to them, she got really upset with my 8 year old, and told her that it is none of my business where they live, and that they are never to tell me about their home life again. Now they are telling the children that they are moving again.

For those of you who don't remember, there is a history of abuse and dad is a registered sex offender, so I really feel uncomfortable with the idea that they have been taking my children to an undisclosed address for a half a year. I KNOW that if I had pulled something like this they would be livid and serving me with papers left and right. I'm really, really angry not only at the way dad and stepmom lied to me, but at the way that stepmom told the girls to lie to me as well.

Is there anything I can do about this? I am looking at our court order and it doesn't say anything about notifying the other parent of a move. I stay in the same place for long periods of time so I never thought to add it. Is this something I should file about on its own, or something I should just wait until I file about other things and add it to? I don't want to do anything out of anger. I'm really trying to stop and think about this. There has been so much drama involved, and stepmom has really painted tot he courts that I harassed her. I don't want any more blow up incidents or anything like that so I would like to handle this properly so as to avoid incident. I just typed up an email to send off and totally erased it and came here instead. *help* please.

I have had no contact whatsoever with ad since last September, so I can't try to talk it out with him.

 

[CourtClerk]

it doesn't say anything about notifying the other parent of a move.

Then he doesn't have to tell you where he lives....

they have been taking my children to an undisclosed address for a half a year.

Yes, I cut up your sentence... but my point is:
and nothing has happened. Absolutely nothing.

 

[summerdawn]

Point taken.

I'm still not too comfortable with them moving and not telling me, but that helped a lot to ease my mind about it, CC, thank you.

 

[CJane]

I must admit that I'm a bit concerned that the children are "describing their environment" to you, to such a degree that you'd realize they were visiting at a different address... or that the 8 year old would - all on his/her own - memorize the address and give it to you.

I'm even more concerned that you'd drive by the house, with the kids in the car, so that they could "confirm" for you that Dad lives there.

That IS borderline creepy.

Yes, I get being hyper-vigilant when the situation with dad and step-mom is so ... weird. Totally. But it certainly sounds like you're looking for something to be upset about, and that you've involved the children in that seeking behavior.

 

[CourtClerk]

I'm still not too comfortable with them moving and not telling me,

Well, then I'll give you something else to chew on:

What makes you think you have the right to every nuance of their life? There is no order that says he has to notify you of a change of address (which is stupid), so he doesn't have to tell you WHERE he lives. Maybe.... he doesn't want you to know.

 

[CourtClerk]

I must admit that I'm a bit concerned that the children are "describing their environment" to you, to such a degree that you'd realize they were visiting at a different address... or that the 8 year old would - all on his/her own - memorize the address and give it to you.

I'm even more concerned that you'd drive by the house, with the kids in the car, so that they could "confirm" for you that Dad lives there.

That IS borderline creepy.

Yes, I get being hyper-vigilant when the situation with dad and step-mom is so ... weird. Totally. But it certainly sounds like you're looking for something to be upset about, and that you've involved the children in that seeking behavior.

I absolutely have to agree.

 

[summerdawn]

It wasn't that hard to tell that they were describing a different place. The place he lived in before was a 1 story with no pool. The place they kept describing was a large several story apartment complex with a pool. They talk a lot about their dad's house when they come home. Their visits seem pretty miserable since dad and stepmom have moved out on their own and they are not with grandma anymore.

I figured it might sound awkward for me to drive by, and that was why I waited for several months before I actually did it. I wanted to be sure that I thought the address they gave was inaccurate. I thought that it was pretty standard for one parent to know the others' address. I thought I might have a right to know his address, but apparently I don't.

Gwennie is 8 and she has been taught the importance of memorizing her home address and phone number for safety purposes. I guess she figured since that is her second home, she should memorize it too. I was surprised that she knew it.

I could care less about every nuance of their life, but it is not uncommon for one parent to know where the other lives since their CHILD is residing there during visits. I'm sorry, but I have seen him like probably no one else on this earth has, and the thought of him going off God knows where with the kids makes me want to puke.

I know that with my posting history and behavior in this situation, things are probably going to get turned back on me pretty much whenever I post-but I have been disengaging for months now and I really have changed my attitude about their involvement immensely.

 

[CJane]

I thought that it was pretty standard for one parent to know the others' address. I thought I might have a right to know his address, but apparently I don't.

It's also pretty standard for it to be in the order though. And in your case it's not. Which is ridiculous, in my opinion, but if it's not there, you have no recourse.

the thought of him going off God knows where with the kids makes me want to puke.

But here's the deal. EVEN IF you know his address - the RIGHT address - you still have no idea if he's "going off God knows where with the kids", yanno?

And KNOWING where they are? It doesn't PREVENT anything that you're afraid of from happening.

This honestly is about you making a CHOICE to be (overly) concerned and letting things eat at you - or not.

 

[summerdawn]

I have let so much go over the last few years. When the kids first started visiting I was a total wreck. I see what you are saying though. I'm sure even if I know where they live they don't stay in thier house constantly and my kids probably go a lot of places that I don't know about, lol.

I see that you are right-I can't prevent that stuff from happening whether I know their address or not. I'll leave it alone for now. Since I have been entertaining thoughts of moving, myself, lately, I will make sure to request that the address changes be made known to the other parent next time we go to court for whatever issue we go to court for. I know they have wanted full weekends for a while so it's probably only a matter of time until they file for them. If I wait until I am close to moving maybe they will see it is not an attacking issue, but a mutual communication issue.