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  1. #1
    nowinthemiddle Guest

    13 year old daughter refuses to visit

    What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? Florida

    My husband gets his kids (13 year old daughter and 11 year old son) every weekend (for 4&1/2 years now). His daughter now refuses to visit us. Approximately one year ago, she wanted to stay home one weekend a month so 'she could spend time with her friends.' We agreed. One week a month turned into every other weekend, two weekends in a row, etc. and now we are going on six weeks in a row if she doesn't visit this weekend. Her brother loves to visit us and can't wait until the weekends. She will come up with excuses and lies for why she doesn't want to visit. We believe that she does not want to visit because we are more strict with her than her mother is and can't get away with doing some things like she can in her mother's home.

    What can my husband do so that he can see his daughter? We do not want to force her. We have tried talking to her and to her mother and stepfather. Nothing. Can his support be lowered? We do not want to do this but maybe the 'threat' may help. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
  2. #2
    tigger2two Guest
    you are going to have to force her if she isn't willingfully coming to visit. If it is court ordered then your husband needs to explain to her mother that if she doesn't make her come for the visits that he will hold her in comtempt. If that is something that your husband isn't willing to do , then no there is nothing else that can be done. He can't lower his support. Visitation and support are totally different things.
  3. #3
    stealth2 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by nowinthemiddle
    What can my husband do so that he can see his daughter? We do not want to force her. We have tried talking to her and to her mother and stepfather. Nothing. Can his support be lowered? We do not want to do this but maybe the 'threat' may help. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
    If Dad wants to see the kid, he needs to enforce his visitation order. Which essentially means forcing the kid to go.

    Support and visitation are separate issues, and no, he cannot lower his support because he won't enforce his visitation orders.
  4. #4
    SkrewBall Guest

    Try a compromise with the kid

    My sister's oldest daughter started having problems with going to her dad's house too. He was ridiculously strict and refused to allow them to have any social life on his weekends. The problem is...they don't stop growing up and being teenagers just because their parents decided to get a divorce. Finally, he started letting her go to the birthday parties, school events, movies and shopping that are normal parts of being a teen when she was with him too. Now she doesn't have a problem with going. Seh gets to see her dad, and still be part of her group of friends. Let's face it...when you're a teenager, the only time you can do anything is on the weekends. because during the week you have school and homework. Ask her if it would make a difference if she could invite her friends over there or go out with them from there. Explain that you want to spend time with her too.
  5. #5
    tigger2two Guest
    The daughter is only 13. I wouldn't suggust letting her go out as a routine just to get her to come visit. SHE IS 13! Tell your husband this isn't your SD choice and to follow his court order.
  6. #6
    thebetterhalf Guest

    Your baby girl is growing up

    Oklahoma How far are you away from the daughters house? Would it be possible to let the daughter still be with her friends but leave from your house and come back to your house after her and her friends have spent time together? The same way it would have been done if she was in your home permantly. Or if she is to far away would it be possible if she brought one of her friends to your house so that you could get involved with your daughter and get to know her friends. If she sees that she is not having to miss out on every thing because of visitation she may not dread coming. And I asume you were joking when you want to lower CS because your daughter has a life besides for what you want. Your daughter still loves you but she is getting more independant. Pat your self on the back that you have helped raise children that relate well to others. Remember just because she doesn't come to your house, she still needs things in life that she could not get with out your help financially and emotionally. As a parent you should be looking at the over all picture and not the short term picture. One day she will have children of her own and she will be dragging those rugrats to grandpas house for a visit. Don't run her off because she is growing up.
  7. #7
    tigger2two Guest
    very nicely put BH!
  8. #8
    nowinthemiddle Guest
    She lives 1/2 hour drive away. I totally agree with thebetterhalf that is why we tried the one time per month. We have even let her bring a friend with her a few times. We have just about tried everything and now she is coming up with any excuse that she can and this past week when we had a mini vacation planned to go to TN to p/u my daughter who was visiting her grandparents, she made up a lie that I was speaking badly about her mother,
    (I haven't seen my husband's daughter in over a month. THe last time that she visitied, I was away for the weekend!!), she needed to get her hair high-lighted, buy school clothes, etc. The trip was only 3 days.

    I guess we are going to try to speak to the mother and stepfather AGAIN to get to the bottom of this. Wish us luck!!

    THanks for the advice everyone.
  9. #9
    nowinthemiddle Guest

    What does child support cover?

    Something else that we could use some advice for: Another thing that his daughter brought up last night when my husband spoke to her on the phone about visiting this weekend is "and you are not helping mom buy our school clothes and supplies." My husband pays over $900/month for two kids! She states that this money is for 'food and shelter and they are eating more and more as they get older.' My husband also provides health and dental insurance for the kids. He makes less money now then he did when they divorced. During the years, we have bought the kids shoes, socks, clothes, sometimes helped with school supplies etc. when they need them because when the kids ask mom to buy them, her comment is 'ask you father.' Isn't child support supposed to cover this? It is not our fault that she has four other children besides the two that she has with my husband. Her oldest two are out of the house (one keeps returning when she can't afford to live on her own) and her youngest in less than a year.
    Last edited by nowinthemiddle; 08-04-2004 at 06:09 AM.
  10. #10
    nowinthemiddle Guest

    Wink Phone call from stepfather

    Her stepfather called my husband this morning. He is having trouble with her. She is lying to them about things, etc. We are all going to meet Friday at 5pm to discuss her. The stepfather is in total agreement with us. Can't understand why she doesn't want to visit because my husband is doing what every father should do for his kids. He agrees that we have gone over and above to help with the kids. Now if only we can get her to agree......
  11. #11
    thebetterhalf Guest

    Try this

    Just a suggestion. You said that Dad is making less money but you are still paying $900 a month. What you can do is get the CS modified off of his new income. That will probably lower the CS due. Now here is the part you need to hear. Keep sending the $900 a month since it doesn't seem to hurt your house hold any. The money above CS will be seen as a gift for school supplies and what ever. The only thing that will change is the paper work. The mother won't be able to push here problems back at you. The daughter will have to realize that you are doing your fair share in sending money and if she still complains than do as suggested. Bring here butt to your house any way because you are the parent not her. If mom protests and takes you back to court to get visitation changed since your daughter will be old enough to request a change then you can push your new modified CS amount. See if mom would rather have the extra money or if she would rather help you keep your daughter in check.
    Last edited by thebetterhalf; 08-04-2004 at 06:20 AM.
  12. #12
    LdiJ is online now Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by nowinthemiddle
    What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? Florida

    My husband gets his kids (13 year old daughter and 11 year old son) every weekend (for 4&1/2 years now). His daughter now refuses to visit us. Approximately one year ago, she wanted to stay home one weekend a month so 'she could spend time with her friends.' We agreed. One week a month turned into every other weekend, two weekends in a row, etc. and now we are going on six weeks in a row if she doesn't visit this weekend. Her brother loves to visit us and can't wait until the weekends. She will come up with excuses and lies for why she doesn't want to visit. We believe that she does not want to visit because we are more strict with her than her mother is and can't get away with doing some things like she can in her mother's home.

    What can my husband do so that he can see his daughter? We do not want to force her. We have tried talking to her and to her mother and stepfather. Nothing. Can his support be lowered? We do not want to do this but maybe the 'threat' may help. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
    You got some great advice from the other posters..but I will add some more. My daughter is now 16, but it hasn't been that long since she was 13. I will tell you that 13 year old girls LIVE for their friends and social lives. NOTHING is more important to them. The best way to get her to visit is to allow her to live her life as normally as possible...but based at your house for the weekend. It would mean some annoying "transporting" but some of her friend's parents may be willing to share in that.

    You are really dealing with a very "classic" problem that most ncps have to deal with when their kids get to be teenagers. Your's is further compounded by the fact that you have been accustomed to an "every" weekend schedule instead of every other weekend. It really probably has little to do with how strict you are, or any brainwashing by her mother and stepfather. I am not saying that those can't be additional factors...but you would probably be having the problem even if those factors didn't exist.

    and wait until BOYFRIENDS get in the mix!

    I feel that the wise parent becomes very flexible with visitation during the teenage years. Its not that far off until the child turns 18...and the last thing that you want the child to see is age 18 as "freedom day" from visitation. We have many more years of an adult relationship with our children than we have of a childhood one.

    You and your husband could drive over once a week and take her out to dinner...or invite her and a friend on an outing somewhere...there are lots of ways you could spend time with her even if she doesn't come for the weekends.
  13. #13
    WyattJ is offline Member
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    Don't Stop visits

    My husband regrets not forcing his daughter and oldest son over for visits. They are now 15 and 16 yrs old. When they were 12/13 they wanted to stay home more for the weekends, hang with friends. Now I hear nothing but trouble. My husband wishes he would of been a little more forced on having the children here. His third child comes every other weekend and is doing really well socially and in education. He has set goals in his life. The other two ...well long story but they are not doing well. Trouble here and trouble there.
  14. #14
    splcstr2001 is offline Junior Member
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    C/S coverage

    Child support whatever she wants it to cover.
    C/S is to cover the basic needs of the child (food,clothing & shelter). States state this differently. I'd say that $225.00 per kid per week is very decent. It's not as if they need new clothes every week.
    Your hausband DOES NOT HAVE TO PROVIDE ANYTHING ELSE other than what is in his paperwork.
    If you two provide extra clothes, supplies, etc. It's a gift to the children.
    I have a friend that recently stopped all the "extra's".
    The CP was mad as hell. She was getting support, medical & dental (ordered) AND he was paying for 1/2 of all extra curricular activities, spending $500.00 at school time for clothes and an additional $600.00 at Christmas time for more clothes******************************************...the CP had it made because she used the kids to manipulate him.
    the NCP (your husband) does not have to do this.
    Besides**************..didn't she have to pay her rent, car, lights,etc before she had kids????
    I mean, how much water, electricity and food can 2 pre teens use, certainly not $225.00 weekly.
    Good Luck!
  15. #15
    blackberry1411 Guest
    Georgia. My husband pays 800.00 a month for one child, + 1/2 of all medical,dental,pharmacy bills and occasionally shares in buying his daughter things her mother says she can't "afford". It is still not enough. She told him recently that she had no choice but to take him back because now she wants him to pay for 1/2 of all "extra's" such as trips, activities,etc. Because of Georgia law my husband got screwed but keep in mind that since 1992 she has withheld visitation almost completely until the last two years. The courts have done nothing to her. The mother also works full time but she feels it is my husbands job to fully give his daughter ANYTHING she wants. Does anyone else know if she can take him back for the "extra's"?

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