Ex wants joint custody of a child he has only willingly seen twice?

[stealth2]

I did make it a point on the parenting plan to talk about changes.
Where it asks what circumstances would cause a visitation to be missed or whatnot..
I.E Death in family, etc.

I made sure to put that following the event, the visitation schedule would resume normally. Hopefully that will help, also. I am trying to avoid the whole "I didn't get him last week because such and such happened.. so I want him this weekend" thing.

I think if it is YOUR event that causes him to miss a weekend, then the "right" thing to do is give him a make-up weekend.

As for his wife being more interested... Women are more likely to take to babies than men are. Many men (note, not ALL) tend to be more comfortable with a child who is more responsive and active than a newborn. So what you saw with them is really pretty normal, and not indicative of a lack of interest on his part... or an over-interest on hers.

 

[Just Blue]

For ideas and examples of types of phased in parenting plans. Are you saying that people should not draw ideas from multiple sources?

No. I think that people should draw ideas from the state source that is relevant. Why did you suggest two states(not Georgia) that are particularly restrictive?

 

[Zigner]

Many men

Heyyyy...

(note, not ALL)

Oh, ok then.

 

[stealth2]

No. I think that people should draw ideas from the state source that is relevant. Why did you suggest two states(not Georgia) that are particularly restrictive?

I've seen quite a few other posters do the same thing, not just LDi. (And no, I am not going to go find examples.) Not all states have guidelines, for one. For another, there may be something in another state's that works well for the parents involved - why not find out about it and suggests it, even if it veers somewhat from one's own state guidelines?

 

[single317dad]

I think if it is YOUR event that causes him to miss a weekend, then the "right" thing to do is give him a make-up weekend.

And it's quite likely a judge would agree with you.

 

[stealth2]

And it's quite likely a judge would agree with you.

A smart judge would! Since I am the Wise and Powerful Oz.... eeerrr.... stealth.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
The wonderful state of GA

I have a beautiful 18 month old son that I have raised completely alone since birth (and if you consider pregnancy raising.. then that too). I left my ex because he is very controlling and verbally abusive and had a bad case of stalking. The baby mattered so much (and I am not saying this because I am bitter or anything- I really don't care what he does... but I DO care that everything else is more important than his son. ) that a week after I left, he had a new girl.. and then a month after my son was born, she became his wife. While I was pregnant, his wife had said several things (hateful things) to me- along with him threatening to take the baby away. They waited a month after all the threats and decided to start asking for ultrasounds and saying they were so happy to be able to raise my son with me. I have learned not to trust just about anything he says... so I told them (in not so nice words) to go away. I didn't talk to them for a long time since. My pregnancy being healthy and successful was more important than the drama they wanted. Although... mutual friends heard a lot from him. Saying a bunch of hateful things- like I got an abortion, I cheated and the child obviously wasn't his, etc.
That being said... I had a healthy baby boy. I asked a mutual friend to tell him the baby was born.. they did. He didn't ask to see him or anything. Seven months later I finally asked if he wanted to meet him. They said ok. We met twice. After the second visit, I received a message asking me what I wanted him to be to my son. I told him that I can't TELL him what to be. There was no contact after. I did send some pictures, but no response.
My son has a half brother who is a year and two days younger. They didn't want me or my son to know anything about the child, so he wasn't involved. They have never met.
I filed for child support after my sons first birthday. Which the father forgot- but the stepmother didn't.
He filed for legitimation with a lawyer and wants joint custody. He wants my son EVERY thursday to sunday. He also sent his list of finances. He makes a very decent living, lives for free in a basement, and yet says he uses all of his money in bills. Ok. Sure.
What do you think my chances are? I can't afford a lawyer and GA legal aid helps abuse cases.. I am having a hard time finding a lawyer to help me. I've done several consultations.
No child support order has been given and they want mediation. I'm not sure what to expect... or what the possible outcomes are.
I might come off as bitter, like I said.. but in person, I have a really good poker face I can smile through anything.

Why are you putting all the blame on dad for not seeing his child when you did a bunch of stuff to discourage him? I think it is possible that he will receive joint decision making and not as much time as he wants. And if you are having a hard time finding an attorney to help you, it could be because they are detecting something that they are unwilling to work with in your attitude.

 

[mayuriinabox]

Why are you putting all the blame on dad for not seeing his child when you did a bunch of stuff to discourage him? I think it is possible that he will receive joint decision making and not as much time as he wants. And if you are having a hard time finding an attorney to help you, it could be because they are detecting something that they are unwilling to work with in your attitude.

How have I discouraged him? If you read anything else I said, you would see why I wanted him to leave me alone ESPECIALLY during my pregnancy. As for finding an attorney.. I am not rich- I pay for everything in my household, so it leaves no money to play with. I can't afford an attorney and the state only offers help for abuse cases.

I offered him visitation without a court order, he was more than welcome to ask for visits, and I wasn't even asking for child support back then. I filed because circumstances change and I would like to see my son continue daycare and whatnot.

I find it rather interesting that he would not want anything to do with his son when visitation was without child support.. and then BOOM! He wants him half the week every week when I do file.

They attacked me first during my pregnancy and I told them to go away. They were notified when my son was born and it was completely up to them to contact me.

Edit:
Also, if he had taken any amount of time to see my son- period- while my son was at daycare, or even sent a message to ASK how he was doing, I wouldn't be quite so defensive about the joint custody mess, I would most likely encourage it. My point is that visits were open to him- although I didn't want them near me in my pregnancy and that was MY choice. There was harassment, he threatened my friends and myself, etc. I did what I needed to.
If he asked about or visited his son at all, this would be a completely different situation.

 

[Ohiogal]

How have I discouraged him? If you read anything else I said, you would see why I wanted him to leave me alone ESPECIALLY during my pregnancy. As for finding an attorney.. I am not rich- I pay for everything in my household, so it leaves no money to play with. I can't afford an attorney and the state only offers help for abuse cases.

YOu did discourage him from being involved. He could be involved with YOUR son (not both of yours because you are possessive of the baby) on your terms.

I offered him visitation without a court order, he was more than welcome to ask for visits, and I wasn't even asking for child support back then. I filed because circumstances change and I would like to see my son continue daycare and whatnot.

And until paternity is established he didn't have a child.

I find it rather interesting that he would not want anything to do with his son when visitation was without child support.. and then BOOM! He wants him half the week every week when I do file.

Ummm, he now has a legal in to get partial custody to his child.

They attacked me first during my pregnancy and I told them to go away. They were notified when my son was born and it was completely up to them to contact me.

Wrong. It not up to them.

Edit:
Also, if he had taken any amount of time to see my son- period- while my son was at daycare, or even sent a message to ASK how he was doing, I wouldn't be quite so defensive about the joint custody mess, I would most likely encourage it. My point is that visits were open to him- although I didn't want them near me in my pregnancy and that was MY choice. There was harassment, he threatened my friends and myself, etc. I did what I needed to.
If he asked about or visited his son at all, this would be a completely different situation.

Or if he played by your rules it would be a different situation. He doesn't NEED to play by your rules if this is going to court. He should not play by your rules. You both should play by the court's rules. You also need to get over your possessiveness. My son was at daycare. My son -- period --. My son.... NO. This is not "my son". This child has TWO parents of which you are only one.

 

[Zigner]

YOu did discourage him from being involved. He could be involved with YOUR son (not both of yours because you are possessive of the baby) on your terms.

To be fair, she is right. Until paternity is established, it is her child, which you pointed out.

And until paternity is established he didn't have a child.

 

[mayuriinabox]

In the first post and I believe a few other posts- I did say HIS son.
I offered visitation or "my rules" because I knew how opposed to child support he was and thought that maybe he would like to be involved without taking it to court.
And after a year and a half- saying "MY" son comes more naturally, seeing as how it is just me and MY son.

After he threatened to take the baby away after a very bad relationship (which, thanks for placing the blame on me by saying *I* made it hard. I suppose I should not have omitted the multiple calls to the police and the reports where they had stalked me in my pregnancy until I finally moved. So yes, I offered him SUPERVISED visitation. So sue me. )

If you aren't willing to ask for the rest of the story or if there are any concerns that prevented full disclosure of the child (since saying "my" son seems to get negative result), then why respond at all?

But thanks to everyone else who is helping with actual advice and isn't criticizing me and making remarks on situations they don't FULLY know.
When I see a lawyer- I let them read the reports, they ask whatever they want to ask.. And I tell the truth. I told them to leave me alone when I was pregnant, I did tell them when "the child" was born.. I did leave myself open to communication and I did offer visitation. There was no interest until the child support papers were served.

 

[mayuriinabox]

To be fair, she is right. Until paternity is established, it is her child, which you pointed out.

Also, thank-you

 

[Ohiogal]

In the first post and I believe a few other posts- I did say HIS son.
I offered visitation or "my rules" because I knew how opposed to child support he was and thought that maybe he would like to be involved without taking it to court.
And after a year and a half- saying "MY" son comes more naturally, seeing as how it is just me and MY son.

After he threatened to take the baby away after a very bad relationship (which, thanks for placing the blame on me by saying *I* made it hard. I suppose I should not have omitted the multiple calls to the police and the reports where they had stalked me in my pregnancy until I finally moved. So yes, I offered him SUPERVISED visitation. So sue me. )

If you aren't willing to ask for the rest of the story or if there are any concerns that prevented full disclosure of the child (since saying "my" son seems to get negative result), then why respond at all?

But thanks to everyone else who is helping with actual advice and isn't criticizing me and making remarks on situations they don't FULLY know.
When I see a lawyer- I let them read the reports, they ask whatever they want to ask.. And I tell the truth. I told them to leave me alone when I was pregnant, I did tell them when "the child" was born.. I did leave myself open to communication and I did offer visitation. There was no interest until the child support papers were served.

I respond to what you post, nothing more and nothing less. If you want me to consider other things then you had to have disclosed them. And now there is interest. He will get visitation. And it won't be on your terms. It will be on the court's terms but continue on with yourself.How did he threaten to take the baby away? By suing for custody? He has that right and quite frankly, that is NOT a threat. That is something he could do is sue for custody.

 

[Zigner]

Also, thank-you

To be fair in the other direction - Ohiogal is a highly respected family law attorney. She is very blunt and these are things you can expect will be brought up in court. Listen to her, she knows of what she speaks.

 

[mayuriinabox]

I respond to what you post, nothing more and nothing less. If you want me to consider other things then you had to have disclosed them. And now there is interest. He will get visitation. And it won't be on your terms. It will be on the court's terms but continue on with yourself.How did he threaten to take the baby away? By suing for custody? He has that right and quite frankly, that is NOT a threat. That is something he could do is sue for custody.

When we got the gender results in an ultrasound, they saw that there was a blip (to which they thought the baby might have had a hole in his spine.. which was later resolved because there was nothing there two weeks later.). We were still dating and talking about the baby at that point and I told him because I was worried. A week later we had the falling out when he found out that medicaid in GA asks the father to pay half of hospital costs, etc. He had his new girlfriend a few days after that and had started sending more messages threatening to take the baby away because I was already a horrible mother. (I guess because I left.)

And yes, I am very aware he can sue for custody.. which he is asking for joint custody. My main concern is the amount of shuffling he is wanting done (he wants him thurs to sun every week.) when he hasn't seen him in months. I'm asking what the chances are that he will get thursday to sunday without having spent any time previously with the child. The child goes to daycare- and they do have a curriculum (the bright start program) and it gives him the social interaction that I would really like him to have (with other children his age). He goes mon-fri and when the child is three, I would really like him to be enrolled in a head start program that is available where I live. In the parenting plan I submitted in response, I agreed that I would like to make joint decisions on all of these things WITH the father- so I am not with-holding it.
My concerns lie in the fact that the child does not know the father and overnight for so long right off the bat could hurt the child. I put into the parenting plan that I would like him to have every other weekend, friday night to sunday night and one night during the weekday. The one night during the weekday might not be a great idea because we live almost two hours apart. He and I both work mon-fri full time and I know we both have family events on some weekends so I would like to allow for the child to be able to see everyone at some point.